The Princess's Daily Life with some Rants & Raves

2012 is a Time for change

2012-01-03T17:50:00.000-05:00

Thank you so much for reading my blog. I have moved locations to www.stephintoronto.com I hope that you will join me there. It will take a little while to fully populate everything, but I'm working on it!

What I had forgotten about depression

2011-11-01T22:54:00.000-04:00

I have been battling the strong force of depression over the last month or so. It is related to a whole bunch of issues, losing my job, weight gain from meds, loneliness, my hoarding problem, unhappiness, desire to be doing other things in my life, not achieving things that I want and much more.

It has been a while since I have battled the ugly pit that is depression. I think that some of my meds have been working well. I'm actually taking them everyday. I'm working out nearly everyday. I was working at a job that was challenging and keeping me busy. I was attending CBT regularly.Everything was sort of together. If anything I was on the high side of bipolar.

Over the last month not so much.

I had forgotten how exhausting fighting depression is. Every limb feels like it has a concrete block attached to it. I can barely keep my eyes open for 12 hours straight. Lack of sleep, yet no desire to sleep. A desire to be alone and on my own. No desire to write, speak or express myself. I've also noticed that I have been thinking about suicide in weird ways. Not in the way of wanting to commit suicide, but just thinking about death. It is odd.

I don't know where i picked up this quote, but it sums up how i feel perfectly:
I'm tired of trying, sick of crying, I know I've been smiling, but inside I'm dying.

For now, I will continue to fight as hard as I can against depression and see how things go. Even finding some creative juices to pull out a couple of paragraphs today was difficult.

Potential outfit for #londonsis's Wedding 2.0

2011-10-07T23:01:00.002-04:00

I bought this dress earlier this summer as an alternative for #londonsis's wedding. I had thought that I would wear it with silver or gold accessories, but when I started to play with it, I thought that red, or a strong pink would be equally as fabulous. I love the idea of pairing an Hermes scarf with the simple dress and the strong earrings that match the dress. I'm glad that I took some time to think about this dress in a different way. It is making me feel more comfortable about this being a viable option!

Potential outfit for #londonsis's Wedding 2.0 by princesssteph featuring face watches

Donna Morgan a line dress
$158 - nordstrom.com

Stella McCartney high heel shoes
$675 - kirnazabete.com

Alexander McQueen clutch handbag
$1,995 - ssense.com

Fine jewelry
$27,300 - solomonbrothers.com

Rolex face watch
bagborroworsteal.com

Diamond jewelry
harrywinston.com

Hermes summer shawl
$760 - usa.hermes.com

the envious side of suicide

2011-09-23T22:27:00.000-04:00

I have found myself over the last little while quite envious of a friend of ours that recently committed suicide. I know, I know, you think I am crazy. You are wondering what on earth has gotten into her head now.

I am not envious of the pain that she has caused any of the people around him, that I am angry about. I want to scream and kick and shout at him about that. I want to have the opportunity to get in his face one last time at my parents breakfast table. Tell him that i love him and that I know that life sucks, but his wife loves him, his children love him, his grand children love him and there are things to live for outside of his depression. I want to scream it so loud that he cannot stand to do anything else but sit there and listen to it ringing in his ears over the depression, screaming louder than anything else in his life.

But then, in the depths of my soul, behind anything that I choose to admit or feel, is envy. Envy that Michael had the courage to actually stop fighting. Stop feeling like crap everyday. Stop putting on this face that says "I'm OK" on the outside, and is screaming "I hate life" on the inside. He doesn't have to fight anymore. He doesn't have to feel like a burden anymore. He is free from the illness. He does not have to go to bed tonight and wish that he could not wake up tomorrow just so he could find peace in sleep.

I will continue to fight the good fight everyday. I have seen the pain that suicide causes through Michael. It is not the answer. I must remind myself that it is not about me, it is about the people that are around me. The pain that I feel, that I see the family and friends of Michael in reminds me that one's choice to take their own life is not about the relief of their own pain. It is about the pain and loss of those around them when they are gone. I think that this is what Michael has left me with. His legacy for me and my ability to impact the mental health community is to talk openly about how I feel, envy and all, with others.

6 word mental health memoir

2011-09-21T11:21:00.000-04:00

This Tuesday on Mental Health Social Media Chat on Twitter, we all did 6 word descriptions of our struggle with metal health. I really liked describing some of my struggles with mental health in a short spurt. I thought that I would list some of the ones I wrote here:

I don't like my new normal
only I like the manic me
this new me is not me
Trying to like the new me
my history does not define me
nothing i do is good enough
illness is not who i am
may look strong, but i'm weak
another day, another day in bed
i present better than i am
there is so much of my illness i don't let ppl see
I'm alone in real life (by @beckami)

"Contemplating the Future" - A Self Portrait

2011-09-17T20:41:00.000-04:00

Trying to keep it together while dealing w Seroquel & Weight Gain

2011-09-17T19:28:00.000-04:00

I've written before about the side effects of some of the drugs that I take and especially the dreaded Seroquel. Recently it has become too much. I can't seem to get it under control.

I have been monitoring how much I have been eating with Weight Watchers, where I successfully have been gaining weight nearly every week. I have recently returned to Pilate's, 5 times a week, after not feeling like doing any physical activity at all, other than walking too and from work. The drugs that I take make lethargy a huge reality. They help me sleep, but stay in my system, suppressing mania through out the day, until I take them again at night.

I tried on all my jeans last night and none of them fit except the jeans that I recently bought by accident that were too big. Fucking fantastic. I was in tears. The dress that I was so excited to wear too my sisters wedding looks terrible. I just feel miserable. I look awful. I feel awful.

When I started taking all these mental health drugs I was aware that one of the side effects was weight gain and I was prepared for some weight gain, but not like this. I believe and understand that I have to take them, but I am starting to resent every night when I drop two little white pills on my tongue.

I have never been skinny. My weight had been high but steady for a number of years and I was fine with that. I was comfortable at my weight and was ok not being skinny. I dressed to suit my size and had people who found me attractive. Now I am fatter and uglier and just feel disgusting. It makes taking the drugs so much harder. It is a battle everyday.

One of the worst things is that I don't know when it will stop. Is the weight gain going to keep going and going as long as I keep taking these drugs??? Am I going to be 700 pounds one day and someone is going to have to remove me from my apartment with a fork lift?? Is the trajectory that I am just going to get fatter and fatter?? No one can answer me.

For now I am going to keep taking the Seroquel, keep taking the other drugs, keep going to Weight Watchers, keep going to Pilate's, keep walking to work and keep hoping that it gets better everyday, it's all I can do.

Mental Health Twitteratti

2011-09-09T19:42:00.000-04:00

One of the most wonderful things about twitter has been that I know that I am not alone in my struggle against Mental Illness. There are hundred`s of us, fighting everyday, to reduce the stigma of mental illness, educate others and find strength in numbers. This group of fabulous men and woman have saved my life. They are there when I am scared, when I am alone, when I need help and when I feel that there is no hope.

I have a list on twitter of all of my Mental Health Tweeples. They are a great group and I thought that I would list them here, so if you haven't followed them you can! My fabulous Mental Health Tweeples are:

@inspire_USA
@simplee_serene
@motherUnadorned
@elledud_1920
@_jennhicks
@alison_Bergblom
@icantican
@wegohealth
@mykinark
@strongia
@omararshad
@APAHelpCenter
@nytimeshealth
@EatsShootsEdits
@frelle
@Kendra_Fisher30
@johnalchin
@PsychToday
@stevenpage
@vetsPrevail
@twitterbo
@nowbie
@CAMHnews
@farahng
@MadPsych
@danigray
@soul_whispers
@bipolarxplorer
@moodlandUSA
@meplusbipolar
@chrisa_Hickey
@A_s_hoa
@webmiss007
@CMHA_VA
@sanaquijadamd
@BCMentalHealth
@KathyKastner
@ReachOutInUSA
@mrchriswagner
@HealthWorksBC
@walkforwarriors
@valcasselton
@CreativeFusion
@KristinJarvis
@bluefinch604
@SuperADDMom
@natasha_tracy
@DoctorGoofy416
@HappyKelley
@comingoutofdark
@GermanInAlabama
@concentratenow
@brookskent
@Abeeliever
@endstigma
@onetosix
@AnxietyRelief
@EndTheStigma
@ImpassionedCat
@MIAWCanada
@depression_news
@docJohnG
@ridedonthide
@RecoveryRabbi
@duskwynd
@moritherapy
@benpolar
@bipolarsis
@psychcentral
@Sucoreeway
@blackdogride
@perthtones
@voiceInRecovery
@jscreeb
@BipolarLine
@BiPolarMomma
@silver_ribbon
@unsuicide
@bipolarette
@MHSMchat
@susanmees
@pmerric
@stales
@NAMIMass
@petequily
@vivianb53
@Nannidale
@PsychBrownBag
@PsychDigest
@WEGOAmy
@DepressionSolut
@Mindful_Living

If I forgot you from my list, or you would like to be added, please let me know.

We meet as a group on Tuesday nights at 9 EST for Mental Health Social Media Chat. If you would like to follow us, its easy to do so here www.tweetchat.com/room/mhsm Every week is a different topic, so feel free to read aloung or be an active participant. Everyone is welcome.

talking openly about Social Anxiety

2011-08-28T20:06:00.001-04:00

3 years ago, I would have been the last person that anyone who I encountered would guess that I had any problems being the Life of the Party" or for that matter, organizing a million social events so that friends and family would be constantly socializing. Life is so different now that I suffer from one of the least talked about, and one of the most difficult things to deal with....Social Anxiety

My social anxiety came into full ugly force in December of 2009 when i had a melt down in Jamaica which i have talked about openly here. It has taken a lot from me and because you rarely hear people talking about their social anxiety, it is something that I have been dealing with quietly. It has affected my social life, friends, attitude towards life and how I manage everything.

It is hard to explain what social anxiety/phobia is. Everyone feels anxiety around certain social situations; first date, large presentations, work meetings....Social Anxiety/Phobia is greater than that. It is a fear of social interactions, irrational fear, self consciousness,.....basically I feel very scared of all sorts of social situations.

I hide it well. I can function at work, play nice with my family and attend group therapy, but all of that is a lot for me to do. When my day is over at work, it has usually taken me enough energy to make it thorough the day that I just don't want to do anything with anyone. Leading to a lot of seclusion and no social life. I even find asking people/some of whom are my closest friends, to do things with me in the evening brings on huge anxiety. It has started to impact every aspect of my life.

I think that one of the most difficult things abut social anxiety is that when you do make an outreach, it is often difficult for others to understand that, that request is tied into a fear of the unknown. I am usually asking lots of questions about who will be there, is it OK that I attend?, where will we be? can i leave early if its too much? All of this comes out of the an overwhelming fear of any social situation.

The Mayo Clinic has some great info on Social Anxiety here. It lists some of the signs and symptoms of social anxiety as:

Intense fear of interacting with strangers
Fear of situations in which you may be judged
Worrying about embarrassing or humiliating yourself
Fear that others will notice that you look anxious
Anxiety that disrupts your daily routine, work, school or other activities
Avoiding doing things or speaking to people out of fear of embarrassment
Avoiding situations where you might be the center of attention
Difficulty making eye contact
Difficulty talking

I count 8 of these as regular occurrences in my daily life. It is a constant struggle. I do know that I am being irrational in my fear. It is ridiculous, but unfortunately it is always there.

One of the best, most irrational incidences occurred recently (about 3 months ago) when I fucked up another friendship. A friend had put out an invitation on Twitter to go for sushi with him and his girlfriend. As part of my social anxiety, I sent him a couple of tweets that for any normal person would be considered completely abnormal and for me were a normal course of thought. I think that they resembled the following, "Is it ok if I join you for sushi?" with it being an open invitation, the response read "Are you f---ing serious? It's an open invitation." Little did he know that I was trying to know that i wouldn't be a social burden for him. Social Anxiety makes one worry constantly that they are not invited, even in an open invitation. I worry that I will be "too much" for others in a casual situation. I think that he had likely had enough of my feeling and acting like I was "special" or not normal. I understand, I just wish that I could have explained to him that these interactions were not me, they were the illness. I do know that 30seconds after that interaction I was "Unfollowed" by him. I wonder how many others I have managed to successfully piss off to the point that they can no longer stand being my friends?

So what am I doing to help get rid of, or minimize my social anxiety?? I'm doing psychotherapy, I take my meds, I am implementing my CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and I'm trying to not be the one "CRAZY Lady" that I know I can be.

This is just one more hurdle to jump up and over. I think that I might send this post to the friend that I once had. I certainly cannot explain it well, but I think this may help. Mental Illness is just difficult on all fronts. You can't see that I'm sick, I can't explain it well and it manifests itself in odd and awful ways. It is one more thing that I have to try and manage.

My only question is "Where is my old, social party going self?" I am scared I have lost her forever.

A dirty little secret....

2011-08-18T12:17:00.000-04:00

I have written before how my apartment is a mess. It is a defence mechanism against me ever having to have anyone over and a bunch of other things that I could list off, but I am now looking at it in a new light....

This weekend my mother and I watched a 20/20 about children of Hoarders.

I found that as we were watching I couldn't breath, my anxiety was elevated, I was feeling clammy and gross, and I had no idea why. I was scared. It wasn't until I got back to my apartment on Sunday night from the cottage that I realized that I have an apartment that is at the early stages of a serious Hoarding problem. (I would like to make clear that all my clothes are clean and I can still find my bathroom, living room and dining room, but what I can't see is my floor, my coffee table and a good deal of my dining room.)

I feel so ashamed that I live like this and I don't know why I can't deal with it. I have a senior level job that is stressful and I manage to do well. I am acting like a functioning human being on the outside, but on the inside I am a mess.

I think that this started in December of 2009. I had had a breakdown while we were away in Jamaica before the holidays and when we got back I hosted a Christmas Party in honor of my youngest sister (#londonsis) in my apartment. My tinsel, sparkly, large 8 foot silver Christmas tree is still standing, as are the 3 littler pink trees surrounding it from that night, December 23, 2009 - still decorated, still standing, like a big trophy for my inability to manage the life that I have behind my apartment door.

There are 3-4 piles of cookbooks, which I seem to have an absolute obsession with purchasing whenever I see one I like, a number of piles that represent past clients that I worked with in 2009 that I haven't been able to deal with given the way that that my work suffered when I was really ill in the fall of 2009, a pile of ironing waiting to be tackled on top of my ironing board that has not been put away in months, a huge pile of laundry that needs to be done, my shoes are in a big pile on my bedroom floor and things like my handbags surrounding me at my front door everyday....

How did this happen? I think I just became unable to deal with life in December 2009 and this is the long term effect of that. I don't share my space with anyone on a regular basis, so it has been easy to shut them all out and not have anyone see what a state my internal life is.

The challenge is now what am I going to do? I have written this very open post because I think that it will help a bit to release some of the guilt and shame I am feeling. I also hope that it will allow me to think about how I am going to manage my "mess". It is no easy task and I'm not sure what the next step is, but I am meeting with my psychiatrist on Wednesday and I am going to try and be honest with her about the situation. Maybe she has some ideas, or can help point me in the right direction. Who knows? I just feel like this is one more thing that I am hiding from the world that is impacting every aspect of my life that I can't seem to deal with.

5 am in the morning at le cottage

2011-08-17T15:58:00.000-04:00

Some days I'm really envious of...

2011-08-17T15:52:00.000-04:00

The ability to feel envy is such an ugly trait that humans have. I am amazed by its power. I really try not to feel envious of things but some days I can't help it. It creeps up on me when I least expect it and it is always about children and babies.

I have never been envious of peoples lives, there relationships, money, stature etc. I was brought up believing that "there is always someone with a bigger house, better job, more money than me". What that didn't include were people, children, family and love. Those are where the evil envy comes to the surface and always relatively out of the blue.

TOday was one of those days. I found myself shocked this afternoon to be in tears at a major intersection filled with strollers. I just couldn't deal. All of these people and couples with babies and children and at the end of the day families. I am not proud of how i felt, nor am I proud to be writing about it here, but it was and is a raw and real emotion.

To read an excellent view point on Envy, please visit the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy's article on Envy.

It's been a bit of a difficult month...

2011-08-16T14:48:00.000-04:00

It has been a difficult month. I just looked at my poor, little, neglected blog, and realize that I have not written since July 20th and even then that was not a good post. So in the last month things have gone hay-wire.

One of my father's closest friends, who was also a friend of mine, committed suicide on the 19th of July. It really hit me very hard and you would have thought that I would have gone to writing to express what I am feeling, but it has made me face my own thoughts of suicide. I have written a post or two about this, but they are still too painful to post. My father has also been diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer. I know that it is 100% treatable (God willing) and that he will have the surgery to remove the thyroid at the end of August, but it sent me for a loop. I'm also coming to terms with my own case of Hoarding (more in a blog post later) and how that is affecting my life and how I just can't seem to fix it. My sister (#torontosis) just had a second baby and with that comes many of the emotions that I try and suppress...envy, jealousy.... you get the picture.

So that is the tip of the iceberg. All in all a bit of a crazy month, and I promise to continue writing. Now that things aren't so raw, it will be easier, but still not easy. I know that writing helps me get things out in the open and start to deal with them. Fingers crossed as time goes on things will flow from my soul to my fingers to a keyboard...

Advice from a Bear....

2011-07-20T13:34:00.000-04:00

(image from http://bibliodyssey.blogspot.com/2008/11/original-winnie-pooh-drawings.html )

If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you. - Winnie the Pooh

If there ever comes a day when we can't be together keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever - Winnie the Pooh

Promise me you'll never forget me because if I thought you would I'd never leave. - Winnie the Pooh

Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day. - Winnie the Pooh

Some people care too much, I think it's called love. - Winnie the Poohmomtossm

"After their Death", a poem on suicide by Judith Pordon

2011-07-20T13:20:00.000-04:00

AFTER THEIR DEATH

You might be covered
by eyelids closed
over your whole being,

or reach with desperation
for something alive
to hold onto.

Your fingertips will hide
in a fist. No more palms
open to life.

Humbled, the very ground
will seem so large. Someday
the earth will own you.

Or you see theres no time
to waste, and plow
into previously feared goals.

Try to be patient
if it takes you years
to return.

This is the exit from Eden,
when you have chosen life
while wanting to die.

This is the fall that gives
wisdom, perspective, gratefulness.
It is worth the crawl, back to life.

-Judith Pordon

The abyss of loneliness

2011-07-19T15:09:00.000-04:00

courtesy of http://www.someecards.com/

This weekend, it became evidently clear again that I am alone and it sucks.

When receiving some bad family news on Friday over champagne, #londonsis had her fiance and #torontosis had her husband and baby, to hold on too, as we absorbed the information that we were being told. I had no one. No one to get home and cry to on the sofa, to cuddle up to in their arms just for some comfort, to hold their hand so that i didn't feel like I was going to fall off the deep end of the ocean into an abyss of fear, sadness and depression. All of my emotions were mine alone, to process and manage the feelings on my own. It was horrible. It was even more horrible because I have really secluded myself from any friends that I had, and don't feel that I'm able to reach out to them now when I am back in crisis.

I so rarely feel like being single is awful. I do single well. I am confident in doing things on my own and I am usually perfectly OK with it. Except that I know that this life is meant to be shared with another human being and that I do not want to be on my own forever. On Friday and throughout the weekend, I was reminded that it is truly awful going through this life on one's own and this is not the life that I want to lead.

But I am a lot to take on. I know that the hope of finding a partner is even smaller given my mental illness. Before I was sick and diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, I was just the girl with Migraines that battles chronic depression, but was still fun when needed. Now I am the girl who is crazy, needs 10 pills a day to keep some form of sanity and has gained another 25 pounds because of the drugs that I am taking. What man/boy wants to take that on? Not very many.

I rarely find men attractive anymore. I think that it is a defence mechanism. Don't worry, if you don't find anyone attractive, you will never put yourself out there, you will never get rejected, you will never have to face the fact that you are, as you believed, a lot to take on, too much for most people. When I do find someone attractive, I am so eager for them to like me that I am destine to be over eager on all angles. I am a relationship mess. Sabotaging my own happiness, before it has a second to establish itself.

So here I am. Me. Myself. I. Alone. I wish I could change it, but apparently this is not going to be easy. I sit at my desk, tears running down my cheeks, thinking that I may be stuck in this abyss of loneliness forever.

From Life of the Party to Get a Life

2011-07-19T13:41:00.001-04:00

A couple of weeks ago, I was asked to take part in a radio show and discuss the impact of mental illness on my social life. That radio podcast as well as a lovely blog post written by my friend Amy can be found here: From Life of the Party to Get a Life

I am glad that I did it and proud that I spent the time exposing this very difficult aspect of mental illness. I am still a recluse, but I am working towards not being so isolating. I try and book time with friends and this is helping a bit. All in all, this is a long lonely path that I am on, and that is terrifying.

Creating a "chosen family."

2011-07-05T23:14:00.000-04:00

In 59 minutes, I turn 35. I have no family of my own. Yes I have parents, two sisters, a brother in law, a soon to be brother in law, a niece and a soon to be born niece. I am blessed many times over in that regard. What I don't have, and want more than anything, is a family of my own. A husband, his family, our children, my own life. I have been freaking out a bit over the last little while that I don't have any of this and not only that, I am no where close to it. I have also become aware that there are people in my life who are craving family and acceptance as well.

I think that I will start to build my own family. I'm not talking, husband etc., but a group of people who are not necessarily my closest friends, some I anticipate I will only have met through twitter, others will just need to know that I am here and they are there. Sometimes knowing that is enough to feel wanted and loved and valued.

So this little project begins. My friend Steven is the first one that's getting a message asking him if be will join my chosen family. No expectations. No judgement. Just love and acceptance when and where you need it.

Raw & Honest Take on Relationships & Mental Health-An Interview

2011-06-28T22:21:00.000-04:00

I had the wonderful and rare experience tonight of being interviewed on "Blog Radio" for HealthyPlace Radio. It was a provocative and interesting experience. I was very nervous to have a conversation about how mental illness has affected my social life, but I just listened to the 15 minute interview and I am quite proud of it. It is a true, raw, honest accounting of how I feel. I am surprised at how negative and sad it is, but then I realize that the situation is depressing. The interviewer was great. He asked some great questions. One of the best was: "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" I haven't thought about it and the scariest part of it is, if I don't change my path it won't be much different from where I am now.

I have attached the interview below if you would like to listen to it. I would be interested to know what you think and if you feel the same way. Please let me know.

Listen to internet radio with HealthyPlace Radio on

Blog Talk Radio

Exposing my broken brain on the radio

2011-06-28T17:01:00.000-04:00

This evening I am exposing myself and my broken brain once again, but this time on the radio. I have been asked to be interviewed by the HealthyPlace Radio Show. At first I was very hesitant to open up myself up to a radio interview and discuss my mental health; it is very raw, there is no do-overs, what I say is what you get, I had no idea what the topic would be, I was nervous about hearing my own voice talking about the hardships of mental illness...

My twitter friend, Amy, asked me to do the interview a month ago. It took me that long to say yes. I really had to think about it. When I agreed to it, we talked about potential topics, everything from stress and its impact on bipolar, social life and the affect of mental illness on it, drugs and their side effects, working and bipolar..... Amy decided that i will be discussing how social relationships are affected by living with Bipolar 2 and social anxiety.

I have been thinking a lot about the topic and realize that what is most prevalent is that not only are my relationships affected by my mental illness, but they have pretty much disappeared because of my mental illness. I am trying to think of why? what did I do to make that happen? how i am adapting to the new reality? I expect to talk about all of that this evening.

Anyway I can be listened to here at 7pm Central 8pm Eastern if you care to join me. I'm nervous, so wish me luck.

Sister's Wedding

2011-06-28T16:35:00.001-04:00

Sister's Wedding by PrincessSteph featuring high heel shoes

David Meister one shoulder evening dress
$810 - neimanmarcus.com

Manolo Blahnik high heel shoes
$715 - barneys.com

Alexander McQueen clutch handbag
£1,275 - net-a-porter.com

Diamond jewelry
jewelry.1stdibs.com

Cartier bangle
fashion.1stdibs.com

Cartier bangle bracelet
$3,499 - westonjewelry.com

Earrings
harrywinston.com

Erickson Beamon hair bands accessory
$425 - shopbop.com

Law & Order:Criminal Intent deals with Mental Health

2011-06-25T18:57:00.000-04:00

I have always found that there is one TV show that deals with Mental Health relatively well and that is Law & Order: Criminal Intent, particularly the character Detective Robert Goren played by Vincent d'Onofrio. Now it is widely known that I have a 'made for tv' crush on that particular character, but what has really caught my attention recently is his time spent in therapy. In the show they portray his mother as a schizophrenic and the Detective deals with depression/anger issues and the fears of the being alone/not able to manage a relationship.

Today I was watching a taped episode and at the end of the hour, Detective Goren meets with his therapist. The clip above is perfect and I feel like I could be in his chair, asking the same questions of my therapist "Am I capable of a relationship?? A family?" The therapist's response is classic therapy "Well, we could work towards that goal." I'm sorry, but not only is that an infuriating response, but WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT MEAN???? How does that help? It does not advance the therapy session at all. It is one of those moments in any type of therapist, patient relationships where you just want to scream at the top of your lungs. I am glad I was able to capture it, even badly with my iPhone. I am also glad that a tv show is demonstrating some of the frustrations of mental health in an honest way.

2011-06-21T16:28:00.000-04:00

Brilliant, thanks to http://www.someecards.com/

A silent rally for no more smartphones on the table

2011-06-21T16:21:00.001-04:00

I used to be one of those cell phone/smartphone/iphone/blackberry person who had their phone on the table at every meal, it glowing/buzzing/vibrating as friends checked in with me/posted pictures/sent me messages/updated their status, then I went to Argentina.

In Buenos Aires, no one has cell phones out in a public space and especially not sitting out on a table ready to be snatched. It is also a different society. More European. Meals are truly there to enjoy the food being served and the company that you are sharing it with. People engaged with conversation, were never looking at their 5th appendage (smartphone) as if to see if there might be something better going on or what the friends they weren't dining with were doing. There was a sense that a camera, or using my iPhone was ok, if I wanted to snap a pic or two of who was at the table or what we were eating.

Fast forward to June 2011. I've been home for 6 months now and I still find it weird to sit down at a table of 3 human and 3 smartphones, our "uninvited guests". I know that one day I will be more comfortable with them again, and yes my iPhone and iPad will be my date for the night, but for now I am flying solo. I leave the phone in my handbag, only checking it if necessary. It is like I am silently protesting this activity at the table by sitting quietly when others are using their phones, waiting to speak until they put the phones down and not pulling out my phone every other minute.

I challenge others too, for one meal with friends, leave your phone in your pocket/bag. See what happens when others at the table realize that you are focused on their company 120%. I'm by no means asking for an abolition of the smartphone (Lord knows I would die without mine), but I am asking you to try leaving your uninvited quest off the table and just being in the moment with good friends, good food and wine..... (Pictures of food, of course, are totally acceptable :-) )

Happy Father's Day

2011-06-19T10:53:00.003-04:00

care of http://www.someecards.com/

Mental Health Month Blog Party

2011-05-18T20:45:00.000-04:00

So today is Blogging for Mental Health day and here I am, blogging and thinking about mental health, not only mine but mental health in general. I have been thinking lately that if I believed in destiny or fate than I would think that I was going through the struggle of Bipolar Disorder and Chronic Depression for some greater good. But I do not believe in either of those things.

I do think that part of my management of my own Mental Illness (I don't believe in recovery, if you've read my blog you'll know that I am all about the management of my Mental Health) is to talk about it with others. I have found outlets through twitter, my blog, I have a bunch of people that I "mentor" or help on with their own mental health struggles,support groups, by doing this I have been able others, but also my self. I've all of a sudden become an advocate for the mentally ill. I am slowly but surely helping to end stigma with those around me, my friends, colleagues and online community. I have, without my own permission, become a role model for others. I work hard and I try and manage my own illness with dignity, some anger, the right drugs, frustration, exercise, sleep and always some tears.

Today I join others in this fight of mental illness. Each of us, in our own way, talking, writing, somehow finding strength through our illnesses to find a voice. These voices loud, quiet, painful, mad, annoyed, content, frustrated..... all joining together to speak for those that don't have a voice or haven't found the strength to speak yet, but more importantly to end the stigma of mental health, provide strength for others, to tell others about our experiences so that hopefully they will know they are not alone.

I am so proud to be one of the ones that is fighting this fight. I vow to continue to find the strength, somewhere/somehow, to speak for those that cannot speak for themselves about mental illness/health, if not for them, then for myself.

Battling the dark room of depression

2011-04-26T22:39:00.000-04:00

I wonder sometimes about how much I can take on before I break? Before i find myself unable to function again? Before I become hypomanic again? Before I am so depressed that I cannot get out of bed for days? Where is the line and how much can I push it until it gives way.again?

I wonder if these are thoughts that other people who suffer from bipolar illness/chronic depression feel? I think that on some level I have lived with this fear since I was 16 years old, when I first recognized that walking around in a fog of sadness and hopelessness was not normal.

Trying to stay away from that place that is cold and dark and sad and lonely and evil and where no hope exists is exhausting. It's a battle everyday. That place is constantly there in the back of my thoughts, hanging out like a secret room waiting for me to visit. I take antidepressants/drugs, I go to therapy, I try and look after myself, I do Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, I go to support groups..... all of this is bolting the door to that cold, dark place closed.

Still, the darkness creeps out from under the door and it is a tempting mistress. I know what life is like in that room. I know that there is some comfort in the dark sadness. I can hide there as I have before, and not have to struggle against it's constant pull. Maybe I am more comfortable in sadness than in happiness?

Regardless, today I choose the battle to fight against the dark and sadness. I choose to give it 110% of my efforts to stay out of that room, away from that mistress, although it firmly has a hold on me these days. I will try with everything that I have to stay on this side of the line. I think its better here.

The Wellness Wheel

2011-04-23T22:09:00.001-04:00

I found this "Wellness Wheel" on the The Cutting Veg and I have fallen in love with it. It alligns very well with my view of overall health. I thought that visually it was worth sharing. I think the thing that is important here is that each of the 6 sections are equally represented. They all balance each other out. I have included the notes from the website on each section below. Please let me know your thoughts?

Professional

Job seeking skills (resume, interviews, etc.)
Having a dream and goal setting
Financial planning

Mental

Literacy
Mental health and illness
Lifelong learning

Social

Family and friendships
Communication and conflict
Oppression and privilege

Emotional

Anger/stress management
Sexuality
Supporting and being supported

Spiritual

Creativity and self-expression
Cross-cultural practices and disciplines
Community involvement–making a difference

Physical

Nutrition
Body image
Exercise

Trying not to be an island of one:My Social Life & Mental Health

2011-04-23T21:54:00.001-04:00

Depression and mental illness are a bitch. Not only does it rob you of your life for so long, all the happiness, all the feelings, all the desire to do something, anything, and then as if to kick you when you are down, it takes your friends.

I have been ill for so long that I now am at a stage where people have stopped asking how I am, they don't invite me out and I have fallen off the radar. I understand. I'm not fun to be around these days. I'm unconsciously passive aggressive in some of my communication, I am crusty on the best of days, and forget my smiling or joining in on conversation sometimes, but I would still like the invitation. I find it hard to be social, but the only way it is going to get better, is if I start to go out

How do you tell people that? That you don't want to be left off the invitation list? That you are sick of hearing how much fun everyone else is having when you are at home. I have tried to hint that I would like the invitations extended, but it does not work. I can't invite myself to everything and i won't. I feel like I have lost all my friends. To be fair there are a few who are still reach out, but I can't keep creating the opportunities to socialize by being the one organizing meals, events etc.

I used to be fun. I wonder if the fun me is the hypomanic me, but regardless, people used to want to spend time with me. I added value to their lives. I was a part of a lively social network. People wanted to be around me. Now I am a social network of one most of the time, struggling to remind people that I am still here, I still want friendship, I still am worthy of a "hello" or a "how are you" on occasion. It is amazing how quickly we fall of the radar when we are ill.

Perscription for Living

2011-03-30T18:18:00.000-04:00

I love the Mood Disorders Association of Ontario. They are a wonderful organization that does wonderful work. I saw this fantastic perscription pad on the table last week when I was there for my support group meeting and loved it. You can check out the good work that they do here.

Battling the Monster: Anger and action of dealing with weight gain as a side effects of drugs

2011-03-29T17:10:00.001-04:00

I have always struggled with my weight. When I was younger I used to dream that one day I would wake up and want to be skinny and then I would lose weight. Somehow there would be a switch in my head that would just go on and I would have a desire to lose weight. I have written before on this little blog about my weight, issues with my weight and a lot of insight that I have on why I struggle with my weight, and all of that is relevant and important as I look out to my current situation, but I want to leave it behind. I want to focus today on the fact that I am angry, and upset, and disappointed in myself, for falling pray to the #seroquelcarbsmonster.

For anyone that deals with schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, sever depression or a host of other mood disorders, has heard of the drug, Seroquel and its lovely side effect, The Carbs Monster. Since I started taking this drug last April, so a year ago, I have put on 20lbs. This is not 20lbs that I have to gain. I had far more than 20 to lose.

I am angry. I am angry that I let this happen. I am angry that I fell down to the feet of the "Monster" and did so with such vigor. I apparently have taken the monster as a lover. I feed him, he comforts me, we are good friends when I am so lonely. What is so shocking is it is not like I am eating a hell of a lot. I feel like eating a piece of bread just attaches itself to my hip and won't let go. I didn't eat wheat, didn't drink caffeine or alcohol, in January, do you think I lost a pound??? Not a one. On a diet of veggies, water and legumes, the Monster still won.

So what am I to do?? Well I joined Weight Watchers yesterday. I just woke up last week and had had enough of these fucking side effects and decided to take some action. I was so depressed when I was weighed and then after the meeting was told that my weight loss will be twice as slow given the drugs that I am taking. Well that is just fucking wonderful. One more great thing to add to the list of "Why I hate taking 14 pills a day". I will battle the monster and hope that I win. Everyday is a struggle to stay on track anyway, why wouldn't I add slaying the #seroquelCarbsMonster to the list???

My Theory on living a healthy life with Bipolar Disorder

2011-03-17T20:50:00.000-04:00

I have developed a bit of a theory about bipolar disorder and what I think is the "cure" to managing my illness so that I at least feel healthy and can live day to day. It involves primarily the reduction of stress, to as low as possible, but then five key factors/pillars:

sleep - Get enough sleep every night
eat - Eat a balanced diet
exercise - Exercise everyday or at least try and get some time outside walking everyday
medication - Take my meds everyday, no excuses
socialize - Talk to other people, see other people, do anything with other people

Seems simple enough, but they all have to work together to make it work. I've talked about my "theory" in my group sessions and we all seem to be on the same page, it's just the execution of the whole thing. The hardest is the over arching of the reduction of stress. The second thing that is that if one of the 5 things starts to slip, then all of them start to fall apart. If I don't get enough sleep, then I don't exercise, I don't feel like socializing, I don't eat well.......Trying to keep everything working is really the challenge to my managing my mental illness.

Currently I'm not doing well, but even writing this post is reminding me that 2 handfuls of almonds and a non-fat venti latte does not a breakfast and lunch make. I can't remember the last time I had a hard workout, and even though I had a really social weekend last weekend, I haven't done anything social this week. The pillars are crumbling around me, and I am not doing well. What I do know is that I will try and build them back up bit by bit and bit by bit I will start to feel better. At least that is the theory....

Sex, Dating and Relationships at a support group

2011-03-15T16:26:00.000-04:00

Last Thursday I spent 2 hours in a group therapy session with 9 other woman, all of us have some level of crazy - bipolar, severe depression, anxiety - of course we don't call it crazy, we say "living with Bipolar Disorder/depression/social anxiety etc". Anyway every week tends to have its own flavour. Some weeks everyone just talks about what is going on in their own lives, other days we help someone who needs to be more social and then all of a sudden we are all admitting that we are hermits. Last week we talked about sex, dating and relationships. Now before I go any further, I should let you know that many of these women I see every week and have been going to for months, some of them for years, so we tend to know each other well.

So how did the topic of "Sex, Dating and Relationships" come up? It was all really very innocent. One of the woman asked if anyone would be offended if we talked about sex and the flood gates opened. She in particular wanted to talk about the fact that she had no sex drive. The drugs, her mood and the weather had sucked all thoughts of sex out of her. So many people agreed and sympathized. The discussion lead to the fact that drugs have taken so much from so many of us and feeling attractive (the weight gain of some of the drugs being only one part of feeling so unattractive even to ourselves) and having a sex drive is just one more thing. The next woman to speak, spoke about being manic and not getting enough sex. We all laughed at the fact that mental illness certainly led so many of us on different paths and polar opposites of the spectrum.

When it came my time to speak, I was amazed at how open I was with this group of woman about the pain of being lonely, and the challenges that mental illness brings to bear on being social, dating and relationships. I have avoided socializing for months (ok, maybe it is now over a year, close to two), let alone dating. I have a couple of male friends who I see occasionally, but we do not date.  I am just too closed emotionally to date. The idea is slightly terrifying. I fear the rejection might throw me over an edge that I don`t wish to go over. Closed emotionally might not be the best description, but emotionally fragile might be better. This of course does nothing for the feelings of being lonely. I also believe that the longer that I am anti-social, the lonelier I get, the scarier it becomes to be social, the more anti-social I become, the lonelier I get......and the circle goes on and on and grows bigger and bigger.

I was not surprised to hear that I was not the only one. So many of the women in the group were in the same boat. I was at this point crying. I had opened a part of my emotional self to these women that was very sensitive and very raw. It is not easy to admit that you are very lonely and that you are in this evil cycle.

I also admitted that part of the challenge was that I had not found anyone attractive in ages. It has been a very long time that I have had butterflies in my stomach when a boy/man is around that I like. I wonder if my mind has done this on purpose so that I will not be distracted from getting better? I have in recent months found some people attractive (previous posts have expressed this - baby fluttering butterflies) and I think that this might be a good sign that I am ready to begin to be more social, still beyond terrified though, so who knows.

What was amazing is that, when I admitted this, so many of the women then started to prop me up. They helped to build my self esteem. I was told that I was worthy of love. I was a wonderful person. That I was supporting this group of women every Thursday afternoon, no matter how sick I was, rather than them supporting me.  That at some point, someone fabulous would notice this. Who knew that I would find a number of cheerleaders in this group of crazy ladies???

By the end of the session we had covered the difficulties of loneliness, drugs and sex drive, bipolar mania and sex, dating and mental health, mental health and discloser while dating, casual relationships and their impact on our mental health, long term relationships and mental health, "am I worthy of love, even with our mental illnesses??", letting go of toxic relationships.......

Who knew that this support group would end up being so focused on Sex, Dating and Relationships, but it was needed. I needed the support of the group to know that I was not alone. I also needed to know that it was OK to put myself out there and try. Everyone faces rejection and I would be OK on the other side, I just had to go for it. Easier said than done, I say.  Maybe after this Thursday, I will have a little more courage and a little more cheerleading to push me to go and find someone who makes butterflies fly in my stomach...

Baby steps towards happiness

2011-03-11T13:18:00.000-05:00

I am trying to manage my own expectations for myself and for my weekend. I have a lot going on this weekend and I am tired and excited and happy that I have pushed myself to be social. My life lately has not been social and so I am trying to push myself to go out. It is an interesting process to go from the person who knows everyone to the person who knows everyone yet wants to do nothing. I find it very difficult. So I am setting small goals.

This weekend I am subdividing my weekend into bits and pieces. Smaller goals, rather than one big goal of JUST BEING MORE SOCIAL! Things like I will go out on Saturday night. I will have coffee with someone other than myself this weekend. I will go for a walk with friends. Baby steps towards happiness....Baby steps towards not being so devastatingly lonely....

I am not only my illness - Conversation with a mentor after 16 months

2011-03-10T19:59:00.001-05:00

Today I spoke to someone that I have known for 13 years and was for all intensive purposes my business mentor and one of my closest friends for most of that time. I have not spoken to her since October 4th, 2009, the moment that I left Toronto and went to Winnipeg to work with a different client. It was also the time that I started to spiral from being sick to being extremely sick over the next three months. We had worked together on a project and I had not been well on that project and I think that I had not treated her well and I was and am embarrassed about the way that I left the client.

Anyway, today I received this e-mail in my inbox at work:

OMG YOU are a hard girl to track down. I can’t believe you are back to the -----. Must be a story there. Hope you are well. Would like to catch up some time. T

I have wanted to write her a letter for the last 6 months to explain what had happened. I knew that she would understand. Her spouse is Bipolar and used to be a very successful lawyer and now does not work, but I still felt that excusing my behaviour when I was sick and letting her down at work was not going to be easy.

I called her right away when I got the e-mail and the sound of her voice made me cry right away. Having not spoken to her in so long, it was so comforting to hear an old friend. I explained what had happened quite quickly over the last year and a half. In essence she said in the most lovely way "what happened at work, happened. I knew you were sick, I couldn't help you, but I wanted to. I saw you spiraling downwards. You are a dear friend and I am so sorry you were sick. I love you."

We ended up chatting for 20 minutes. I felt like I had just seen her a week ago. Why had i been so stupid and not called her earlier??? I do not know. I was scared. I was sick. I was embarrassed. I am lucky to have these people in my life.

I realized again in this conversation that I am worthy of love. I can be a wonderful person. I can be a good friend. I can be someone who is a valuable partner in a relationship, be it a friendship or a romantic relationship. I can be relied on. I am not only my illness.

Why I have feared reaching out to any of my friends after not speaking to them for so long? I am not sure, but after today, it will be easier.

Writing and not writing

2011-03-08T20:53:00.000-05:00

I am desperate to write about my emotions these days but I cannot. They are tied up in work, in people that I interact with on twitter, in things that are going on with my family, with my friends, with my life in general. Many of which would hurt or expose me in a way that would not be good to write about here either by hurting the individual who is causing me turmoil, exposing some emotions that would be raw and come back and stab me in the back, and by talking about a workplace in an unfair way. So what am I to do??

So, I have decided to write the posts. There are 3 of them and just the process of writing the three of them and leaving them in my "drafts" inbox has made me feel a bit better. I have written about some of the challenges at work, that has helped. I have written about some of the feelings that I am feeling around some things that are going on with my family. I have written about some of the issues surrounding seclusion. What I have not written about and I know I have to, are the feelings of loneliness and attraction. These are too sensitive and difficult. I will get there, maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow, maybe in a month, but soon I will write about them and leave them in my drafts box and leave them there to be released potentially never. No one will get hurt, none of my emotions will be exposed to people that are part of the posts and most importantly everyone will be safe from my words, except me.

Reading someone else's blog, from Start to Finish

2011-03-06T20:04:00.000-05:00

I have found myself in a rather odd situation. I know that other's must do this, but I never have, or at least, I never have admitted it, am reading someones blog from the first blog post to the present. Why? I like the person who writes it. I want to know more about them. I want to find out about what is going on in their brain, who they hang out with, what makes them tick.....So far i am finding it very interesting. It also makes me wonder if anyone has done this with my blog? Should I do this with my blog just so that I can see what they would find out? I think that might be a good idea. I know that they are going to find a whole lot of crazy, but what else? Maybe it's time to have a read, that is, after I'm done reading this other blog, I'm only at March 2009.....

The Evolution of The Princess's Daily Rants

2011-03-05T22:03:00.001-05:00

I have been thinking about it for a long time and have wanted to split my blog. One of the things that I love the most about this blog is that I have connected with so many people about migraines, mental health, fashion, food and just life.

What has happened over the last year or so, is that I have found I am writing more and more about mental health and general health here, and I am happy about that. Mental health, bipolar disorder, social anxiety, migraines and chronic illness are my life now. Everyday these are the things that I deal with and have to manage to be able to function and so I write about them and the struggles that they bring to my life.

On the other hand, I have other interests, primarily food and fashion. I find it difficult that there are so many "food blogs" out there. It feels like everyone of my friends is writing a food blog. Every meal that I go to has people who have cameras taking pictures of every single thing that goes into every one's mouth, tweets about everything that is on every ones plate, writes a review about what is on every ones fork.......quite frankly it is starting to make me a bit crazy, but still I feel like I want to write and share some of my own experiences about food.

So, I would like to introduce you to "We like to eat and drink". The core of the blog will be a place where "writing and musings by me, about myself, my friends and family, as we celebrate life through eating cooking and being together". Food is at the core of my family and friends, or social time together and the experiences that we share. So far I see the blog being divided into 4 different areas:

"1001 Foods You Must Taste Before You Die Challenge" - A few years ago, before I got sick, I started a challenge to "eat my way through this book". I will be re-posting and re-attacking this book and its challenge on this blog. More details to come!!
Princess Bistro - I like to cook, a lot. I hope to share some of my adventures in the kitchen, both successful and not, here. I love having real people over, cooking real food, sharing their experiences. I hope I can do the same.
We Like to Eat and Drink - As the title of this blog, I am fortunate to share a love of food and eating with so many friends and family. I hope to share experiences of how we celebrate events and friendships with food.
The Cookbook Obsession - I collect cookbooks. I love them. I hope to be able to share some reviews of the ones that are on my night table for reading and marking up for future recipes.
Culinary Adventures in food - Food has always played a role in my travels and I plan on documenting some of that here. I feel fortunate to have had so many fabulous experiences abroad, most of them involving food at some point.

I do hope that you will join me on this adventure at http://weliketoeatanddrink.blogspot.com/ My plan is to continue writing here about health and my life, so don't leave me, but I would love your thoughts on food, friends and community at "We Like to Eat and Drink". You can also follow some of my food tweets @welike2eatdrink. happy eating and good health!

Potential outfit for #londonsis's Wedding

2011-03-05T18:28:00.001-05:00

#londonsis Wedding by PrincessSteph on Polyvore.com

Tadashi Shoji Salon Z satin cocktail dress
$440 - saksfifthavenue.com

Christian louboutin pumps
$3,295 - net-a-porter.com

Alexander McQueen crystal clutch
1,345 GBP - matchesfashion.com

Leaf necklace
$155,000 - tiffany.com

Louis Vuitton diamond earring
$26,400 - louisvuitton.com

Admitting what I really want in life

2011-03-04T20:05:00.000-05:00

I had a lovely afternoon post Doctor's appointment (more on the dr's appt during another post) when I made my way to a local restaurant and had my usual lunch/dinner alone. I really like it there, and have come to really like the owner. He usually stops by and we have a chat for a while. I took my family there not that long ago and my 2 1/2 yr old niece had blast enjoying her time and we were chatting about that today.

While chatting about our families and our niece's and nephew's, I commented that I really enjoyed being an aunt and how much he enjoyed being an uncle. What I neglected to mention, is that I will not be happy only being an aunt. I'm terrified of only being an aunt. Don't get me wrong, I love being an aunt to my niece more than anything right now. It is keeping me alive on some fronts, but, I will not be happy if I do not have children of my own.

What if being an aunt is the only way that I will have access to gorgeous, happy, children who are related to me? At this point I am not ready to give up hope of having my own children. I'm only in my mid 30's. There is still time, and a family of my own is really the only thing that I know for sure that I want.

Why I couldn't come clean while we were chatting? I'm not sure. I think that it is too difficult to admit. It is too scary. It is too raw and open to admit what I really want in life.

Tarot Card Reading

2011-02-26T23:02:00.001-05:00

Thanks to my friend @alexconde on Twitter, I had my Tarot cards read tonight in 280 characters (2 tweets!):

@stephintoronto The past was unjust, but you fight stronger for yourself today. The journey continues, but you will not be alone on it.
@stephintoronto Last card was interesting. The support will definitely be positive and with love. (yes I cheated, 280 characters)

Well, scarily true on some fronts and let's hope that "not be alone" is a family of my own one day. Thanks Alex!

A First Date Wardrobe

2011-02-20T00:23:00.000-05:00

I recently had a friend ask me what to wear on a date that they were going on. Why they felt I would know I am not sure. But I felt that good undergarments, a great handbag, minimal but statement jewellery, and kick ass shoes are a must. When playing on Polyvore.com today I put together a set that would be great for a first date. Now, if only my bank account could include a black 35cm Birkin and a that fab Agent Provocateur black dress. Nothing like a little black dress to be a good staple in your closet!

My perfect date wardrobe by PrincessSteph featuring a satin dress

Agent Provocateur Zelma satin contour dress
$825 - net-a-porter.com
Satin dress »

Balmain Embellished wool-blend blazer
$4,065 - net-a-porter.com
Pinstripe blazer »

Agent Provocateur Classic satin corset
$370 - net-a-porter.com
Agent Provocateur »

Bordelle Satin Cut Out Suspender
$196 - journelle.com
Bordelle »

Lascivious Seamed stockings
$36 - journelle.com
Lascivious »

Christian Louboutin Pigalle 120 patent pumps
$595 - net-a-porter.com
Patent high heels »

Hermes silver rings, Hermes fine jewelry
$690 - usa.hermes.com
Fine silver jewelry »

Hermes silk twill scarves
$385 - usa.hermes.com
Hermes scarves »

Hermes Birkin Bag in Black : Star Style
starstyleinc.com
Star handbags »

Being strong for those who need you,While still needing strength yourself

2011-02-19T21:44:00.000-05:00

Being strong for those who need you, while still needing strength for yourself is one of the challenges of acting as a peer support for those around you. I have found through twitter, this blog and the support groups that i go to, that I have a following of about 8-10 people who have come to rely on me for help and support.

I know that I am strong, that I "present well" as they say. I don't look sick anymore. 6 months ago I looked terrible, these days I look fatter with side effects and sad, but not really sick. I also have always had a knack for helping people out of difficult situations, giving advice, figuring out what they are going to do with the rest of their lives, in relationships, in their careers. I have always liked playing this role. I take after my father in that respect, though he is the one that my friends go to for advice!

Taking on the role of "mental health advocate" has meant that my role as supporter within the mental health community has expanded. I seem to be a cheerleader for some, a sounding board for others, someone that they can whine or vent to when they are in a bad/sad mood, general pillar of strength for others, it feels like.

What this role does not allow, is for me to be weak, for me to need help, for me to have a bad day, for me to be depressed, for me to need someone with strength to support me. I do get strength from helping others, or else I would not do it. I enjoy being able to help people. This does make me feel better, but it is not supportive of my battle with mental health. I have found strength in some of the support groups that I attend, but even there, I have found that I have people who "look up to me as an example of strength". Does this role allow for me to be the weak one sometimes? It certainly doesn't feel like it.

Who am I? Defined by my job

2011-02-19T18:29:00.001-05:00

I was reminded this week, that when I was out of work, I worried about the fact that I "was defined by my job" when I was working. When asked who I was, I replied that "I was a management consultant", not that I was an intelligent woman who had a number of things going for her. I vowed that my job when I returned to work in 2011 would not define who I was again.

I believed at that time, that a job serving coffee or working in a book store, would have meant that I would not have had the same stresses and all consuming feeling of my job as a Mgmt Consultant did. That was the plan anyway. To find a job that was easy, fun and something that was not going to be so stressful. Oh how things change when you start to feel better and are away from the stresses of everyday work.

While I was away in Argentina I was offered a job, with a past client that I had worked with. I was feeling great that particular week and felt like I could do anything. Being on holidays for 6 weeks, not having any stress, and working out regularly, can do that to a girl. So I took the job in a moment of weakness, health and being swayed by the salary that it offered. I started on January 4th.

So here I am. 6 weeks in and if asked who I am right at this moment, I fear the answer would be the response to the question "What do you do?" I am more than the work that I do. I know that. But when I have little else besides the job that I do, it is difficult.

I have managed to ruin nearly all the relationships in my life because of my mental illness and the inability for me to be a reliable friend to people these days. I choose solitary activities that do not involve interaction with others, so that my social anxiety stays at bay. I would rather be on my own than with others. Social activities these days, involve attending peer support groups for people who are suffering from mood disorders like myself. These things all make it easy for one to be defined by the job that they do.

I know I am good at my job, if not great, but I also know that in order to be happy, I have to have other things in my life. I must start to build a life outside of my work that involves people. I must start to interact with friends again. I must start to build a life that involves me, not just the work that I do.

So, what is the answer that I want to be able to give the next time someone asks "Who are you?" That my friends is the million dollar question.

The Second Day of Character

2011-02-02T21:47:00.000-05:00

I am still struggling with the theme of "character" for the month, and so I spent some time today online looking for deifnitions of "character". I found the best one was on Dictionary.com. 27 different ways to think of Character.

–noun

the aggregate of features and traits that form the individualnature of some person or thing.

one such feature or trait; characteristic.

moral or ethical quality: a man of fine, honorable character.

qualities of honesty, courage, or the like; integrity: It takescharacter to face up to a bully.

reputation: a stain on one's character.

good repute.

an account of the qualities or peculiarities of a person orthing.

a person, esp. with reference to behavior or personality: asuspicious character.

Informal . an odd, eccentric, or unusual person.

10.

a person represented in a drama, story, etc.

11.

a part or role, as in a play or film.

12.

a symbol as used in a writing system, as a letter of thealphabet.

13.

the symbols of a writing system collectively.

14.

a significant visual mark or symbol.

15.

status or capacity: the character of a justice of the peace.

16.

a written statement from an employer concerning thequalities of a former employee.

17.

Literature . (esp. in 17th- and 18th-century England) aformal character sketch or descriptive analysis of a particularhuman virtue or vice as represented in a person or type.Compare character sketch.

18.

Genetics . any trait, function, structure, or substance of anorganism resulting from the effect of one or more genes asmodified by the environment.

19.

Computers .

any symbol, as a number, letter, punctuation mark, etc.,that represents data and that, when encoded, is usableby a machine.

one of a set of basic symbols that singly or in a series oftwo or more represents data and, when encoded, isusable in a computer.

20.

a style of writing or printing.

21.

Roman Catholic Theology . the ineffaceable imprint receivedon the soul through the sacraments of baptism, confirmation,and ordination.

22.

(formerly) a cipher or cipher message.

–adjective

23.

Theater .

(of a part or role) representing a personality type, esp.by emphasizing distinctive traits, as language,mannerisms, physical makeup, etc.

(of an actor or actress) acting or specializing in suchroles.

–verb (used with object) Archaic .

24.

to portray; describe.

25.

to engrave; inscribe.

—Idioms

26.

in character,

in harmony with one's personal character or disposition:Such behavior is not in character for him.

in accordance with the role or personality assumed in aperformance: an actor in character.

27.

out of character,

out of harmony with one's personal character ordisposition: Her remarks were out of character.

away from the role or personality assumed in aperformance: The actor stepped out of character.

Sometimes you just have to have Hope

2011-02-02T18:49:00.002-05:00

As it stands, I am not married. I have not dated anyone seriously in ages. I appear to be eternally single, and this is only getting worse as I am now burdened with new realities of a mental illness. However tonight I was confronted again with the question "Are you going to get married? Will you ever find that person to marry?" This question must be all over the thoughts of my family right now. My littlest sister, #londonsis, is getting married in December, and as she is 9 years younger than me, I know that I am on their mind. There appears to be no hope for this girl in her mid 30s who is alone.

My parents have made comments in the past, I know not intentionally, about my not ever getting married and them not having hope, but hope is all that i have. (My mother casually offering to buy me the whole Le Crueset line if I ever do get married, does not instill in her daughter that she has any hope that I will ever get married.) I want more than anything to have a partner/husband and a family of my own, but sometimes wanting something is not enough.

I told my father tonight. as he casually said that he had in the past thought that the money that they would have spent on a wedding for me I could use to buy a house potentially, that I had not lost hope and I needed him to not loose hope either. It would mean the end of everything. Hope is all that I have on this matter. I have to have hope that one day I will meet someone that I love, who will love me, who wants to have children, who wants to be with me, illnesses and all. For now I grasp on tiny strands of hope that are growing fainter as the days go by....

The NaBloPoMo for February - Character

2011-02-01T17:09:00.000-05:00

I was very proud of myself that I blogged everyday in January, but it was a bit of an easy challenge with the topic being "friends". This months topic is "Character". It is a fascinating topic because it could be taken in so many directions and it also could be used in so many interesting ways as it relates to Mental Health. Some thoughts that I have had are:

using each post of the 28 to examine aspects of my own character
to write different posts in the voice of different characters
to examine the use of characters affected by mental illness in media and how they impact societies view of mental illness
use different fonts for different posts (lame, I know)
to do a photo a day with different characters as the subjects

Those have been some of my ideas. So far, nothing confirmed, but that is the start of my thinking. More to come of course and maybe I won't even write everyday. I do not like the theme, but I like the challenge :)

31 days of blogging! I did it!

2011-01-31T21:26:00.000-05:00

A reminder of why I write this little blog

2011-01-31T20:16:00.000-05:00

There are times when I wonder why I write. I am not a great writer, I was never seen in my family as the writer. #torontosis was always the one that had the "knack for writing". I was the one that made do with scrawling a few lines in a notebook in creative writing class and hoping that it somehow related to the theme assigned. But here I am writing a lot.

I do know that writing has become therapeutic. I go to a lot of therapy in different forms. I see a psychiatrist, a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist, a psychotherapist, a regular therapist and I go to a ton of support groups, on top of all that I write. It fits in as one of these therapists in its own way and quite frankly is a hell of a lot cheaper. I've never been able to keep a diary, but for some reason writing a blog is different. It helps me to talk about things in an open forum that makes me accountable to a larger community. But I still wonder if anyone reads what I write or even cares. I find the therapeutic results that I get, do not require anyone read what I write, and i find it interesting that anyone would even care.

Today I received a direct message on twitter from a woman, who reminded me that my writing has started to matter for more than just me. Apparently she has started to share my blog with her "Parent's of Adult Children with Mental Illness" at the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health. I am now on one of their recommended reading lists, apparently as a good source for parents. I have rarely felt so good about something that I am doing, and am so proud that I am happy to be helping this wonderful support group of parents.

Over the last year, I had hope that my label of a "person with a mental illness" had started to changed to a "person with at metal illness advocating for herself and those who can't, while educating those around her". I am not a person who believes in things happening for a reason, but I do believe that I have to find some part of this illness that I can build on. That is the role of advocate, educator, peer supporter, and woman successful living with rapid cycling bipolar disorder and social anxiety. I think that this blog has become a key tool in that mission. Here I can address all of those roles, and advance my mission on all of them, while still venting, finding therapy and just writing what I need to write to make it to tomorrow.

So readers, thank you for taking the time to read some of my thoughts. Please know that I appreciate it and you are part of my coping with a mental illness. I promise to write open and honestly about myself, mental health and the ups and downs, rants and raves of a self proclaimed princess.

2011-01-30T20:51:00.000-05:00

sometimes i'm barely strong enough for myself, yet others need things from me that i don't have to give.somehow there is strength

Lack of the phone ringing

2011-01-29T16:35:00.000-05:00

One thing about going into seclusion and not keeping in contact with friends is that your phone doesn't ring. It is odd. My phone no longer rings. I can't remember the last time I talked on it to a friend. It hit me today that I can't remember the last time it rang from a friend, not a creditor, not a doctor, not a family member, but a friend. I wonder if the lonelier someone gets the less things like phones ring, doors knock, e-mails are sent, facebook wall posts are recieved......Maybe this lack of communication in my life is just part of my becoming a secluded mess......

What if your psychiatrist doesn't want to change your meds??

2011-01-28T16:53:00.001-05:00

I had my second appointment this month today with my psychiatrist where I left frustrated, angry and quite frankly mad. I went to the appointment with a laundry list of issues in my life, primarily that I am not sleeping, anxious all the time and quite down. The worst part is that it is a circle that spirals downwards and I know it. I am not sleeping, I get crusty, I worry about work, my anxiety sky rockets, I start to shut down, the work piles up, i worry more, I lose more sleep, blah blah blah.....

So for the second time this month i met with my psychiatrist, who i really like, I explained what was going on, including the fact that I had an anxiety attack on Wednesday, and no offer of a change on any of my meds. I know that meds are not the answer, and that there are many things that I can do to help me to feel better, and I am trying to do those things, but I do believe that a change in my meds would likely help. If nothing else, than at least a sleeping pill to conk me out at night would be greatly appreciated, please and thank you.

I am just frustrated with not being able to express my feeling of need and "distress" to my psychiatrist. Does she think that I am making it up? Does she think that I am just trying to get some sleeping pills? I just don't know, but I feel like an idiot as this being the second time that I have had the exact same appointment and left with the exact same outcome.

So what is a girl to do???? I rely on my psychiatrist for meds. Right now I am self medicating with some Clomazepan that I have and I take when I really can't sleep or I am just too anxious. I am not drinking this month, so thinking of having a couple of glasses of wine, as a self medicating measure, is not in the cards (on that note, i also know that I am not being affected by caffeine either as I gave that up also). I am lucky that I have a second psychiatrist that I can go to, and i have called to ask and go and see him. I hope that when I meet with him he will be able to give some clarity on meds and maybe help me go in a bit of a different direction. I would appreciate a second opinion and hope to get it at least.

For now, I am trying to sleep when i can. Trying not to self medicate. Trying to get as much exercise as possible. Trying to work effectively. Hoping that this next appointment w Psych #2 will provide some answers.

Some days, this is just says it all

2011-01-27T17:01:00.001-05:00

Someecards nails it

2011-01-26T21:50:00.004-05:00

Unopened Mail - A Secret Friend of Mental Illness

2011-01-25T21:15:00.020-05:00

This week has been hell. One of the reasons it has been so difficult is purely my own fault and all because I don't open my mail. I thought it was just me being immature and not being a grown up. I have never wanted to face things that I don't like, whether it be school, family issues, tough issues with friends, bills... and I thought that the mail was all part of that, and I am sure that it is, but I have also unearthed a deep dark shameful secret of mental illness.....I am not the only one.

When I started to talk to some of my "mental health" friends about my whole debacle and shamefully admitting that I had not been opening my mail and that is how I ended up in this situation, I started to be told stories of others who have piles of mail in their homes also. Whether they suffer from depression, bipolar, social anxiety, OCD etc.many people just like me, do not open their mail. I was amazed and comforted in my shame, knowing that others had this horrid little secret.

So the question arises, why do we do it???? Why is it so difficult to open envelopes and deal with life like an adult?? For me, I think it means that I have to deal with the unknown and undoubtedly the following up on what is in the envelope. I can't explain it, but it all feels so overwhelming. I just can't do it.

I have aspirations that I am one of those people who comes home, sorts her mail everyday into "bills", junk", "need response", etc. but it is never going to happen. Visions of pretty little Martha Stewart mail organizers are in my dreams, but there is no way that it is going to happen. For now the mail sits in a huge paper Hermes bag by my front door. I had to sort through it and deal with the shame of what was in there this week, so I can report that at least it is sorted into types of mail, and some of it is opened.

Baby steps Stephanie, baby steps.

The shiksa mocking herself....

2011-01-24T11:00:00.000-05:00

Side Effects - The evil friend of all these drugs

2011-01-23T18:18:00.001-05:00

I have been feeling over the last few weeks that the side effects from some of the drugs are starting to catch up with me. One of the drugs that I have talked about here is Seroquel and its side effect friend the #SeroquelCarbsMonster. I have met people who take Seroquel who have gained 50-100lbs on this drug and are still standing, although fatter and not so happy, but with their mood stabilized. I actually decided this month to not eat wheat, drink alcohol or caffeine, in the hopes of feeling better, but also so that I could see about taming the "Monster". It has not happened. If anything I feel like I have gained weight on this little adventure and I hate it. I hate feeling like I am not eating any wheat, bread, pasta...... and still I am holding onto all sorts of weight that I feel should have disappeared this month. (FYI, I know that I have also been eating potatoes and other starches in all their forms, but not everyday and not all the time.) I have tried. Maybe next month, I'll be off the wheat also. Who knows. The #SeroquelCarbsMonster is always there, he is always in my ear, always telling me to eat more and more carbs. It's hard to get him to "Shut the Hell up".

I have also lost so much of my memory to both Topomax and Seroquel. It is one of those things that I have learnt to live with, but with starting a new job it is ever present that I have a memory issue. It got me into trouble in my last job and I am trying to not let that happen here. I write everything down that I have to do and hope that that will help me. We shall see. Sometimes I forget what I have done the day before :)

The third thing that I am going to whine about today is the effect of all the drugs generally on my body. Everything that I take is effecting every part of my body. I think that my nails are weaker, I have "dry mouth" (now doesn't that sound sexy?), my eyes are dry, my bones ache, the lethargy in my muscles, my digestion is off, every little piece of my body feels wrong by the manipulation of so many drugs.

At the end of the day, the drugs are trying to make my mind feel better first, my body second. I am trying to accept that, and accept the side effects. I know that they are just part of the "gig" and I hope that they will eventually calm down, or that I will just be "one" with them. The weight is the thing that is frustrating me the most right now, so I will continue to battle it, bit by bit, and telling the Monster to "go away!".

Sloan Tanen - ohhhh how I love you

2011-01-22T10:42:00.001-05:00

Because only friends would understand how you ended up in such a mess.

Friendships/Relationships and the Shiksa

2011-01-21T10:53:00.000-05:00

My new job is at a Temple (synagogue) in Toronto. I worked here previously when I was a management consultant and loved it. I felt an kinship to the Jewish faith and discovered that I felt more at home in a sanctuary of a Shul than I have ever felt in a church. I attend services when I am available on a Saturday morning and feel that I want to, and even par take in High Holy Day festivities including Rosh Hashanah and Yon Kippur.

The running joke with my family and friends has been for a while, "so, when are you going to meet a nice Jewish boy and convert?" and that seems to be the question for me also. Although I have made so many wonderful friends at the Temple, I have not met any single men.

The question also probes the question of conversion: To convert or not? Especially if I feel so comfortable within the walls of the Jewish faith. I was chatting with a friend about conversion yesterday and expressed that I felt conversion without a partner would be very lonely. I could not convert and have Christmas dinner with my family for instance. I would feel like that would be disrespectful to a faith that I had chosen (Judaism). But converting to Judaism for someone (a partner) would be a whole different kettle of fish. There would be someone to walk through life with, celebrate life cycle events with, holidays etc. I cannot explain it, but it would be an easier journey and not so alienating or lonely.

So yesterday, under the persuasion of my assistant and a new friend, I joined jDate, the online Jewish dating service. I made it clear that I was not Jewish but willing and looking to convert. We shall see. I have never done any online dating and it was terrifying to hit "OK" when I was at the end of submitting my information, including a picture. I don't know, maybe good things will come from this. I am searching for my "bashert" or "perfect match" as they say in Yiddish. Hopefully he is out there somewhere.

The Philosophy of Friendship

2011-01-20T08:15:00.025-05:00

Writing everyday, for a whole month on the subject of friendship causes me to look to other outlets for their views on friendship and how they define friendship and its values. I was on the Stanford University site and ended up somehow arriving at the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy. I never studied Philosophy in school, but I do find some of the writings interesting and thought provoking. There is a whole article on "Friendship" that can be found here. The definition of friendship and the whole article on friendship is definitely worth the read. The definition reads:

Friendship, as understood here, is a distinctively personal relationship that is grounded in a concern on the part of each friend for the welfare of the other, for the other's sake, and that involves some degree of intimacy. As such, friendship is undoubtedly central to our lives, in part because the special concern we have for our friends must have a place within a broader set of concerns, including moral concerns, and in part because our friends can help shape who we are as persons. Given this centrality, important questions arise concerning the justification of friendship and, in this context, whether it is permissible to “trade up” when someone new comes along, as well as concerning the possibility of reconciling the demands of friendship with the demands of morality in cases in which the two seem to conflict.

The article builds on this general descriptor and the section on "values and the justification of friendship" is fascinating.

Desperado, You better let somebody love you....

2011-01-19T12:59:00.000-05:00

Eek!!! Xtreme Lashes Contact Update

2011-01-19T12:17:00.000-05:00

So I just saw that Blo Bar, where I had my Xtreme Lashes applied has changed it's name to the Jolie Beauty Bar. Much cuter and much more current than Blo Bar! I love it! I am assured that all of the wonderful ladies are the same, just the name has been changed.

So new contact info.
To visit the Jolie Beauty Bar online, please visit: http://www.joliebeautybar.com/index.html
To read about the amazing Kristin who put on my lashes at Jolie, please visit: http://www.joliebeautybar.com/kristen.html
To visit Kristin's personal webpage, please visit: http://www.kristenstgermain.com/index2.php?v=v1

So spoiled with Fabulous Lashes from Xtreme Lashes!

2011-01-18T22:19:00.000-05:00

This post is long overdue, but not long forgotten......

No eyelashes, pre-application

Before I left for Argentina I was in such a bad headspace, I had so much on the go, I was desperate to get out of the city.... and I had a million and two things to do that ranged from getting my teeth cleaned to getting a pedicure, to changing my anti psychotic drugs. In the mass of all this craziness came a lovely offer from @xtremelashes who I had become friends with on twitter to get a set of free Xtreme Eyelash Extensions. I was beyond excited. As you can see from my before photos:

I have no eyelashes. I never have. It doesn't matter how much mascara you wear, if you have no eyelashes you have no eyelashes, mascara or not!

No eyelashes - pre-aplication

I had also heard so many people rave about them on Twitter and how easy they were to upkeep and wear, not at all irritating and really easy to look after. My Twitter contact put me in contact with Kristen at BloBar. Could she have been a cuter, nice girl??? No. She was wonderful to deal with and as I lay on the table with my eye's closed it was intresting to hear from Kristen how intense her training had been to be able to actually be certified to apply the "Xtreme Lashes". She also was really knowledgable and causous about not putting on lashes that were too long for my current non-exsistent lashes. Apperantly if you do that they just fall off to easily. Exit stage left my dreams of Betty Davis eyes, enter in normal length eyelashes. I was amazed at how careful she was, treating each lash individually and really talking me through the whole process, as I lay on my back with my eyes closed!

After xTreme Lashes application

Kristen was not at all surprised when I whipped out my camera before our session and asked her to take some photos through the process and after. (Apparently they have to make before and after photos for there exams also.) She did a wonderful job.

Post eyelash application, my eyes felt slightly heavy, but they looked amazing. I loved them. At dinner than night with my parents, my father asked me if I had gotten more sleep than usual? When I showed him the eyelashes, even he loved them.

After xTreme Lashes application

Two days later I was off to Buenos Aires where I used eye makeup so sporaticly because I did not want to lose any of my lashes. I searched high and low for a salon that could fill them. In a country that has more salons per capita and people nearly I was shocked that I could not find one. So slowly but surely each of my lashes fell out. I felt like I died a little bit with each one. They made me so happy and I loved them. I miss them everytime i take my mascara wand out of its little jar promising "volume, length and happiness", I know its all lies compared to the happiness I found in my Xtreme Lashes. I would love to have them on again, but my wallet can't afford them right now, and this makes my eyes and eyelashes very sad :(

For more info on Xtreme Lashes follow @xtremelashes on Twitter, visit http://www.xtremelashes.com/, or go and see Krisitn at http://www.theblobar.com/kristen.html tell her Steph sent you, you won't be disappointed.

xTreme Lashes with no make up

The Muppets - Why Can't We be Friends?

2011-01-17T16:49:00.001-05:00

The Muppets - With a Little Help from my Friends

2011-01-17T16:45:00.001-05:00

The Princess's Daily Life with some Rants & Raves

2012 is a Time for change

What I had forgotten about depression

Potential outfit for #londonsis's Wedding 2.0

the envious side of suicide

6 word mental health memoir

"Contemplating the Future" - A Self Portrait

Trying to keep it together while dealing w Seroquel & Weight Gain

Mental Health Twitteratti

talking openly about Social Anxiety

A dirty little secret....

5 am in the morning at le cottage

Some days I'm really envious of...

It's been a bit of a difficult month...

Advice from a Bear....

"After their Death", a poem on suicide by Judith Pordon

The abyss of loneliness

From Life of the Party to Get a Life

Creating a "chosen family."

Raw & Honest Take on Relationships & Mental Health-An Interview

Exposing my broken brain on the radio

Sister's Wedding

Law & Order:Criminal Intent deals with Mental Health

A silent rally for no more smartphones on the table

Happy Father's Day

Mental Health Month Blog Party

Battling the dark room of depression

The Wellness Wheel

Professional

Mental

Social

Emotional

Spiritual

Physical

Trying not to be an island of one:My Social Life & Mental Health

Perscription for Living

Battling the Monster: Anger and action of dealing with weight gain as a side effects of drugs

My Theory on living a healthy life with Bipolar Disorder

Sex, Dating and Relationships at a support group

Baby steps towards happiness

I am not only my illness - Conversation with a mentor after 16 months

Writing and not writing

Reading someone else's blog, from Start to Finish

The Evolution of The Princess's Daily Rants

Potential outfit for #londonsis's Wedding

Admitting what I really want in life

Tarot Card Reading

A First Date Wardrobe

Being strong for those who need you,While still needing strength yourself

Who am I? Defined by my job

The Second Day of Character

char·ac·ter

Sometimes you just have to have Hope

The NaBloPoMo for February - Character

31 days of blogging! I did it!

A reminder of why I write this little blog

Lack of the phone ringing

What if your psychiatrist doesn't want to change your meds??

Some days, this is just says it all

Someecards nails it

Unopened Mail - A Secret Friend of Mental Illness

The shiksa mocking herself....

Side Effects - The evil friend of all these drugs

Sloan Tanen - ohhhh how I love you

Friendships/Relationships and the Shiksa

The Philosophy of Friendship

Desperado, You better let somebody love you....

Eek!!! Xtreme Lashes Contact Update

So spoiled with Fabulous Lashes from Xtreme Lashes!

The Muppets - Why Can't We be Friends?

The Muppets - With a Little Help from my Friends