It's been a bit of a difficult month...

It has been a difficult month.  I just looked at my  poor, little, neglected blog, and realize that I have not written since July 20th and even then that was not a good post.  So in the last month things have gone hay-wire. 

One of my father's closest friends, who was also a friend of mine, committed suicide on the 19th of July.  It really hit me very hard and you would have thought that I would have gone to writing to express what I am feeling, but it has made me face my own thoughts of suicide.  I have written a post or two about this, but they are still too painful to post.  My father has also been diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer.  I know that it is 100% treatable (God willing) and that he will have the surgery to remove the thyroid at the end of August, but it sent me for a loop.  I'm also coming to terms with my own case of Hoarding (more in a blog post later) and how that is affecting my life and how I just can't seem to fix it.  My sister (#torontosis) just had a second baby and with that comes many of the emotions that I try and suppress...envy, jealousy.... you get the picture. 

So that is the tip of the iceberg.  All in all a bit of a crazy month, and I promise to continue writing.  Now that things aren't so raw, it will be easier, but still not easy.  I know that writing helps me get things out in the open and start to deal with them.  Fingers crossed as time goes on things will flow from my soul to my fingers to a keyboard...

The abyss of loneliness

courtesy of http://www.someecards.com/



This weekend, it became evidently clear again that I am alone and it sucks.

When receiving some bad family news on Friday over champagne, #londonsis had her fiance and #torontosis had her husband and baby, to hold on too, as we absorbed the information that we were being told.  I had no one.  No one to get home and cry to on the sofa, to cuddle up to in their arms just for some comfort, to hold their hand so that i didn't feel like I was going to fall off the deep end of the ocean into an abyss of fear, sadness and depression.  All of my emotions were mine alone, to process and manage the feelings on my own.  It was horrible.  It was even more horrible because I have really secluded myself from any friends that I had, and don't feel that I'm able to reach out to them now when I am back in crisis.

I so rarely feel like being single is awful.  I do single well.  I am confident in doing things on my own and I am usually perfectly OK with it.  Except that I know that this life is meant to be shared with another human being and that I do not want to be on my own forever.  On Friday and throughout the weekend, I was reminded that it is truly awful going through this life on one's own and this is not the life that I want to lead. 

But I am a lot to take on.  I know that the hope of finding a partner is even smaller given my mental illness.  Before I was sick and diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, I was just the girl with Migraines that battles chronic depression, but was still fun when needed.  Now I am the girl who is crazy, needs 10 pills a day to keep some form of sanity and has gained another 25 pounds because of the drugs that I am taking.  What man/boy wants to take that on? Not very many.

I rarely find men attractive anymore.  I think that it is a defence mechanism.  Don't worry, if you don't find anyone attractive, you will never put yourself out there, you will never get rejected, you will never have to face the fact that you are, as you believed, a lot to take on, too much for most people.  When I do find someone attractive, I am so eager for them to like me that I am destine to be over eager on all angles.  I am a relationship mess.  Sabotaging my own happiness, before it has a second to establish itself.

So here I am.  Me.  Myself.  I.  Alone. I wish I could change it, but apparently this is not going to be easy.  I sit at my desk, tears running down my cheeks, thinking that I may be stuck in this abyss of loneliness forever.

Creating a "chosen family."

In 59 minutes, I turn 35. I have no family of my own. Yes I have parents, two sisters, a brother in law, a soon to be brother in law, a niece and a soon to be born niece. I am blessed many times over in that regard. What I don't have, and want more than anything, is a family of my own. A husband, his family, our children, my own life. I have been freaking out a bit over the last little while that I don't have any of this and not only that, I am no where close to it. I have also become aware that there are people in my life who are craving family and acceptance as well.

I think that I will start to build my own family. I'm not talking, husband etc., but a group of people who are not necessarily my closest friends, some I anticipate I will only have met through twitter, others will just need to know that I am here and they are there. Sometimes knowing that is enough to feel wanted and loved and valued.

So this little project begins. My friend Steven is the first one that's getting a message asking him if be will join my chosen family. No expectations. No judgement. Just love and acceptance when and where you need it.