Trying to keep it together while dealing w Seroquel & Weight Gain

I've written  before about the side effects of some of the drugs that I take and especially the dreaded Seroquel.  Recently it has become too much.  I can't seem to get it under control.

I have been monitoring how much I have been eating with Weight Watchers, where I successfully have been gaining weight nearly every week.  I have recently returned to Pilate's, 5 times a week, after not feeling like doing any physical activity at all, other than walking too and from work.  The drugs that I take make lethargy a huge reality.  They help me sleep, but stay in my system, suppressing mania through out the day, until I take them again at night.

I tried on all my jeans last night and none of them fit except the jeans that I recently bought by accident that were too big. Fucking fantastic. I was in tears.  The dress that I was so excited to wear too my sisters wedding looks terrible.  I just feel miserable.  I look awful.  I feel awful.

When I started taking all these mental health drugs I was aware that one of the side effects was weight gain and I was prepared for some weight gain, but not like this.  I believe and understand that I have to take them, but I am starting to resent every night when I drop two little white pills on my tongue.

I have never been skinny.  My weight had been high but steady for a number of years and I was fine with that.  I was comfortable at my weight and was ok not being skinny.  I dressed to suit my size and had people who found me attractive.  Now I am fatter and uglier and just feel disgusting.  It makes taking the drugs so much harder.  It is a battle everyday.

One of the worst things is that I don't know when it will stop.  Is the weight gain going to keep going and going as long as I keep taking these drugs???  Am I going to be 700 pounds one day and someone is going to have to remove me from my apartment with a fork lift??  Is the trajectory that I am just going to get fatter and fatter??  No one can answer me.

For now I am going to keep taking the Seroquel, keep taking the other drugs, keep going to Weight Watchers, keep going to Pilate's, keep walking to work and keep hoping that it gets better everyday, it's all I can do.

Exposing my broken brain on the radio

This evening I am exposing myself and my broken brain once again, but this time on the radio.  I have been asked to be interviewed by the HealthyPlace Radio Show.  At first I was very hesitant to open up myself up to a radio interview and discuss my mental health; it is very raw, there is no do-overs, what I say is what you get, I had no idea what the topic would be, I was nervous about hearing my own voice talking about the hardships of mental illness...

My twitter friend, Amy, asked me to do the interview a month ago.  It took me that long to say yes.  I really had to think about it.  When I agreed to it, we talked about potential topics, everything from stress and its impact on bipolar, social life and the affect of mental illness on it, drugs and their side effects, working and bipolar..... Amy decided that i will be discussing how social relationships are affected by living with Bipolar 2 and social anxiety.

I have been thinking a lot about the topic and realize that what is most prevalent is that not only are my relationships affected by my mental illness, but they have pretty much disappeared because of my mental illness.  I am trying to think of why? what did I do to make that happen? how i am adapting to the new reality?  I expect to talk about all of that this evening.

Anyway I can be listened to here at 7pm Central 8pm Eastern if you care to join me.  I'm nervous, so wish me luck.

Battling the dark room of depression

I wonder sometimes about how much I can take on before I break? Before i find myself unable to function again?  Before I become hypomanic again?  Before I am so depressed that I cannot get out of bed for days?  Where is the line and how much can I push it until it gives way.again?

I wonder if these are thoughts that other people who suffer from bipolar illness/chronic depression feel?  I think that on some level I have lived with this fear since I was 16 years old, when I first recognized that walking around in a fog of sadness and hopelessness was not normal.

Trying to stay away from that place that is cold and dark and sad and lonely and evil and where no hope exists is exhausting.  It's a battle everyday.  That place is constantly there in the back of my thoughts, hanging out like a secret room waiting for me to visit.  I take antidepressants/drugs, I go to therapy, I try and look after myself, I do Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, I go to support groups..... all of this is bolting the door to that cold, dark place closed.

Still, the darkness creeps out from under the door and it is a tempting mistress.  I know what life is like in that room.  I know that there is some comfort in the dark sadness.  I can hide there as I have before, and not have to struggle against it's constant pull.  Maybe I am more comfortable in sadness than in happiness?  

Regardless, today I choose the battle to fight against the dark and sadness.  I choose to give it 110% of my efforts to stay out of that room, away from that mistress, although it firmly has a hold on me these days.  I will try with everything that I have to stay on this side of the line.  I think its better here.

Side Effects - The evil friend of all these drugs

I have been feeling over the last few weeks that the side effects from some of the drugs are starting to catch up with me.  One of the drugs that I have talked about here is Seroquel and its side effect friend the #SeroquelCarbsMonster.  I have met people who take Seroquel who have gained 50-100lbs on this drug and are still standing, although fatter and not so happy, but with their mood stabilized.  I actually decided this month to not eat wheat, drink alcohol or caffeine, in the hopes of feeling better, but also so that I could see about taming the "Monster".  It has not happened.  If anything I feel like I have gained weight on this little adventure and I hate it.  I hate feeling like I am not eating any wheat, bread, pasta...... and still I am holding onto all sorts of weight that I feel should have disappeared this month.  (FYI, I know that I have also been eating potatoes and other starches in all their forms, but not everyday and not all the time.)  I have tried.  Maybe next month, I'll be off the wheat also.  Who knows.  The #SeroquelCarbsMonster is always there, he is always in my ear, always telling me to eat more and more carbs.  It's hard to get him to "Shut the Hell up".

I have also lost so much of my memory to both Topomax and Seroquel.  It is one of those things that I have learnt to live with, but with starting a new job it is ever present that I have a memory issue.  It got me into trouble in my last job and I am trying to not let that happen here.  I write everything down that I have to do and hope that that will help me.  We shall see.  Sometimes I forget what I have done the day before :)

The third thing that I am going to whine about today is the effect of all the drugs generally on my body.  Everything that I take is effecting every part of my body.  I think that my nails are weaker, I have "dry mouth" (now doesn't that sound sexy?), my eyes are dry, my bones ache, the lethargy in my muscles, my digestion is off, every little piece of my body feels wrong by the manipulation of so many drugs.

At the end of the day, the drugs are trying to make my mind feel better first, my body second.  I am trying to accept that, and accept the side effects.  I know that they are just part of the "gig" and I hope that they will eventually calm down, or that I will just be "one" with them.  The weight is the thing that is frustrating me the most right now, so I will continue to battle it, bit by bit, and telling the Monster to "go away!".

Challenges of the new job and not advocating for myself

I've been back at work now for two weeks and I find that I am struggling a bit, well maybe more than a bit.  I like the work that I am doing and I think that I am good at it, however it is stressful and anxiety ridden.  I thought that after I had spent a year off that I would go back to to work and be a barrista.  I always thought that I would be a good Starbucks employee.  I knew that working in that sort of environment would have been a perfect segway into actually working in a high stress, high anxiety environment.  It also would have allowed me to give some more thought into what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.  Instead I am back at what I was doing before, in a stressful, full time job.

Anyway, I have felt over the last 2 weeks that a couple of things have happened in the last two weeks with my mood.  One is that my anxiety has grown quite high and I don't like going to work.  Once I am there I am ok once I get there, but it's the getting out of the house and getting into work that is difficult.  Most days I end up in a state of panic in the early hours of the morning.  The second thing that is happening is that I am not sleeping.  I am worried about the not sleeping because I know that the not sleeping is a key to my balance of mental health.  It is one aspect that has to be in balance, so that my mind stays sane and I am able to stay healthy.

I met with my psychiatrist today and was hoping that she was going to help me with the sleep by prescribing some sleeping drugs.  I was clear with her about how i was feeling and she was unwilling to help me on any front with my meds.  I find it difficult some times with my psychiatrist, who I like very much as a person, to express how I am feeling and ask for what I want.  I was unable to ask her today for different drugs. I know that it is my own health and I should be in control of my own health, but for some reason I cannot speak up to her.  I should have said to her "I would like to try a sleeping agent to help with the sleep.  I can't cope like this", but i did not.  I did not speak up for myself.  Now I am no further ahead.  I am exactly where I was before this appointment except that I am mad at myself for not being assertive and an advocate for myself.  i seem to be able to be an advocate for every one else.

I see her in two weeks again.  Hopefully i will gain the strength to speak up for myself by then.

Self care = Being a friend to yourself

Self care is personal health maintenance. It is any activity of an individual, family or community, with the intention of improving or restoring health, or treating or preventing disease.

Self care includes all health decisions people (as individuals or consumers) make for themselves and their families to get and stay physically and mentally fit.

- Self care, Wikipedia, January 6, 2011. 

A big word or notion in the mental health community is "self care".  Essentially self care, is being a very good friend to yourself.  It is making sure that you are looking out for yourself, so that you stay physically and mentally healthy and happy while going through your daily life.  I think that it is one of the hardest things for some people to do, to put yourself first, above others, in the line up for care and love, it certainly is for me.

I see self care as a combination of many things for me, to make sure that the delicate balance is achieved so that I stay physically and mentally healthy is achieved.  It includes, but is not limited to:

• Physical Activity - I learnt while I was away in South America that physical activity/exercise is an important part of my self care program.  I need to get exercise on a regular basis so that I can feel healthy or at least like I am doing everything in my power to try and be healthy.
• Medication - I have written before on this blog about not wanting to take my meds.  I need to take them everyday to ensure that I am both physically healthy and that my neurons in my mind fire in the right direction and the chemicals are somewhat balanced.  I am not mentally ill, because I choose to think that way.  There is actually something wrong in my head, and the drugs help both my mental illness and my chronic migraines, among other things.
• Food and eating - I am trying to eat better and nourish my body so that I can be healthier, loss weight and also have the energy to work for the whole day, manage the stress of both work and mental health and be prepared physically to fight any illnesses that come my way.
• Sleep  - Probably one of the biggest parts of self care for me right now is sleep.  I need it.  I used to think that I could sleep for 4 hours and be ok.  I know now that the realistic time frame is 10-12 hours a night and I need to take medication for that to happen.  If I do not get that, I am not mentally well and physically my body hates me.
• Therapy/Group Sessions/CBT - Managing stress, mental health, bipolar disorder and all sorts of other things can be aided by going to therapy, whether it be in a group or one on one.  I also find that learning tools like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is helping me to take tools and tricks that I learn in therapy and integrate them into my everyday life.

Making all of these bits and pieces fit and work together feels like a full time job most days, but I know that this is important to keep me healthy.  I find it hard to put myself first.  It is much easier to think or write about.  I would much rather look after others, work hard, forget that i have to take drugs, not get much sleep and pretend that i don't need to care for myself, but then I would be very sick and not able to be a member of society.  So for the time being I will focus on being a friend to myself and focusing on self care.

For the first time: A desire not to take my meds

I have read about and often hear about people who suffer from "Bipolar Disorder" and other mental illnesses (primarily schizophrenia) not wanting to take their meds and the problems that it causes.  Until yesterday, not one day of the last 10+ years that I have taken drugs to help with mental illness, be it depression or bipolar disorder, have i ever contemplated not taking my meds religiously.  Yesterday was different and it was terrifying....

I take a ton of meds.  9 pills daily just to make it through the day and deal with proactive care of migraines and dealing with depression/bipolar disorder/social anxiety.  I also have 10+ prescriptions for reactive treatments for migraines and anxiety/panic attacks.  I feel on most days when I look in my medicine bags (I keep them in large freezer size Ziploc) that I am an 80 year old grandmother dealing with heart disease!

For some reason, yesterday, as I stared at the pile of pills that I had to take in the morning, I just did not want to.  I did not want to pull one pill out of all of the containers, each one reminding me of how un-normal I am, how fucked up my brain is, how sick I am  I did not want to take the 10 minutes it takes to swallow all of the pills in the morning so that I don't throw up.  I did not want to deal with the side effects.  I just for one day, DID NOT WANT TO.

I have come to hate the side effects on one level and accept them on another.  The side effects range from my needing to sleep 12 hours a night, being incredibly slow (both physically and mentally), housing a dumb blond in my head that makes me very stupid, craving carbs 24 hours a day, losing confidence in all that i do, gaining weight ......  I understand that I need to take the drugs so I accept them, but I can still not like the "side effect me".  I know on a very basic level that the "side effect me" disappears when I don't take my drugs.  Wouldn't it be nice to just get rid of all of those things, even for a day?

From the research that I have done, and the understanding that I have of mental illness, the other reason that so many people go off of their meds is that they "feel well" and believe that they don't need their meds anymore to be well.  This is not me.  I firmly believe that I will always need drugs to function.  As someone who has a mental illness, I know that as someone with bipolar disorder I have a chemical imbalance in my head and I need the drugs to help balance that out.  I also know that they are not the "golden ticket" of feeling better, but are the most important tool in my treasure chest of leading a well adjusted, healthy life.

Yesterday, I did not take my meds.  Instead, this morning I woke up and I had to have a very stern talk with myself about what I needed to do to be a healthy person.  That healthy person needs to take all of her drugs, not just the ones she wants, or when she wants to.  I took them all this morning and I will take them all tomorrow, and the day after that.  I sense that this is going to be an ongoing battle of my rational self versus the mentally ill voice in my head, who just does not want to be stupid, slow, fat and hindered by side effects anymore, but would prefer to be manic, funny, witty, quick and her old self again....the one with out all the drugs.

Learning the effects of Stress on managing my Bipolar Disorder

I have been away for 5 weeks now. Away from my life in Toronto, my family, my friends, my therapists, my doctors, away from everything. Essentially away from stress. What I have come to understand is that the lack of stress in my life has meant that I have felt better. I have slept better. I have been more calm. I have had less anxiety. I have been happier. As the time ticks down to my return to Toronto, I am starting to freak out. My mood is a wonky. I am depressed again. I am not sleeping. I am anxious. I am a mess
A week ago I couldn’t figure out what was happening. I started to not want to leave the apartment. I did not want to go out and meet new people without the security of someone else. I started to eat more. I was scared to go out in Buenos Aires on my own, unless I knew exactly where I was going and had been there before. I was sad all the time. For the first time in a while I was weepy. I found myself crying at an episode of “Criminal Minds” on tv. I was at a loss for what was happening. My drugs were the same. The same amount of mood altering and anti depressant drugs that I had been taking for the last few months cursing through my veins, so WTF???
Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was coming home soon. My body was beginning the process of acquiring and processing stress again. The mitigating factor in this whole thing, the thing that changed, that made my mood, my body, my mind change, was the thought of stress when I went home and then build up of stress to that return.
This is not a good result of a test for my big return in January to work and to “real life”. I am supposed to get a job, be better, be a “normal” member of society, return to be an active friend in the relationships that I have let fall this year, be a member of my family who is happy and active in that unit and please do that all with a smile, I’ve had a year off, haven’t I???

I know that there are a lot of “should’s” in that paragraph, but that is how I feel. It is my truth. It is what I feel the expectations are for me and they are slowly making me sick again.

Mental Health, Migraines and the Workplace

i have had a bitch of a morning. a total bitch of a morning. i was called into my firms office to discuss my new assignment that starts on Monday half way across the country. i was not expecting to have a deep discussion about a bad review that i had received from a past client, but so it was to be.


i had received a "scathing" review from a client that i worked with for a whole year. the vp that i worked with was very disappointed in the work that i did with them, not in the strategy, not in my ability, not in my "smarts", not in what i brought to the table, but apparently in my reliability and the fact that i was ill a lot.

these are two very different issues in my life, and i feel like i need to deal with them both separately and independently. i also feel that the only way that i can thoroughly think about this is to write about it here. I also revealed today to both of my sr. vp's that i was taking drugs daily not only for my migraines, but also for my chronic anxiety and depression. i think that it was surprising to them and also made them realize that these issues are sometimes bigger than the person as a whole (me) and not as clear as they seem.

when we spoke about the reliability issue, i was very honest with them and spoke to them about the fact that this was the first that i had heard about this. also it was the first that they had heard about it. they agreed whole heartedly. I also talked to them about some of the struggles that i have with perfectionism and the need for my documents and client work to be perfect before i present it and how this is such a difficult thing for me that i am working through. this, i admitted does cause things to be late some times. we chatted about my current state of being frozen with stress and anxiety. i was of course in tears by now, because it was too much. i have not slept in ages and i am so stressed out about everything. it was not good.

what was wonderful is that both of the Sr VP's, a man and a woman, were totally supportive and understanding. the man was particularly compassionate and empathetic saying that he often was "paralyzed" with stress and hours would go by with out him being able to function. it was nice to have them understand and not only empathize but be supportive and offer to help. they also were wonderful in offering to be on the other end of the phone if i ever need them just to chat. i feel very lucky.

this is when i told them about the drugs. i told them that i take them for chronic anxiety and depression. they were shocked. i explained that it was a learning process, but i am in that process and trying to figure it out. i also explained that instead of being on a total manic roller coaster, i am trying to be on a lovely wavy pool of life. neither of them had noticed that i was "crazy manic". i told them it was because i was always "on" with them. they seemed to understand and it brought us onto a better level. I am glad i shared this information with them.

I was struck by the comment on illness. i think the struggle with migraines for me is that there is no hiding them. i look ill when I have a migraine. I am greeny-grey and lethargic. apparently you can tell in the middle of a conversation that i am getting one from my eyes. i cannot hide them.

the irony of how i view my chronic migraines is that i do not see that i am ill. i do not consider myself ill. i actually consider myself a very healthy person. i have my first cold now in 18 months. i do not really get sick. i do however have a chronic pain illness. i have chronic migraines. i can do nothing about it. i take drugs for it. lots of drugs for it, with lots of side effects, but i am doing what i can. this is not easy.

what is also not easy, is that i have also, always been very open about my migraines and mental health. i think that it is an important part of the process. it is important for me and it is important for other sufferers. it is one of the main reasons that i am so open about mental health and migraines and mental health on this blog. it helps me and it helps others.

From this comment, i have to rethink how i talk about myself. do i know take the view that: i will not tell my clients that i have a migraine, i will not comment when i have a headache, i will not say yes i do have a headache when asked. sorry i cannot remember a name, it's the topomax. this is all a mind shift for me, but i think that it is the answer.

so today started with a conversation that i never thought that i would have on any front. i hope that it has calmed some nerves on my end and theirs. here's to a new client and new opportunities. i also now must figure out what to do about this lovely client that i worked with and what to do about him. i really liked him and thought that he liked me. should i call him, e-mail him, or leave it. i'm at a loss. need to fix it. the world's too small for him to be defaming my integrity all over the place.....

The CIpralex Adventure Continues

I have not written recently on my little blog as I have had some major changes occurring in my life and have nor known quite how to express how I feel about them. One of the major things that has happened is that I have decided that I am not dealing well with my current mental health and anxiety. It is not serious, but enough that the last time that I was at my doctor I spoke to her about it and I have had my Cipralex prescription increased to 30mg. I am now outside of the script for this drug as the max is 20mg, but for the first time in a long time, I am feeling a bit better.

Not normal, or happy, or regular, but better. I feel more even keeled. It is like I have just a bit more patience, a bit more time and can take a bit of a deeper breath. It is not that I have found happiness in these little white pills, but I have found something that is helping me to find some time to think about happiness and how that can happen. I am happy for that.

For now I wonder if I will take these little pills forever or not? Is this what it will be like for the rest of my life? Only time will tell.

lonliness

"Despite the fact that there are over eight million people on the island of Manhattan, there are times you still feel shipwrecked and alone. Times even the most resourceful survivor would feel the need to put a message in a bottle, or on an answering machine."

- Carrie, Sex and the City

I think that recently I have become more and more aware of the enormity of a hole in my life that is not being filled. I am lonely. It is not the desperate need for a "man" as some woman feel and portray so evidently in their outward displays, but it is the part of me that is alone.

Yes I am the girl that "knows everyone". I had some friends over for dinner on Saturday to le cottage and they were asking me all the news on everyone, because they knew that I would knew what Andrea, Alan, Michael, Jamie, Jennifer ectetera were up to, and I did. I am the girl with 800 friends and acquaintances on Facebook, I sit on 2 non-profit boards, I cannot find a free night for months, yet at the core of it all - I think that I am desperately lonely.

It comes out and nips me in the butt in the weirdest ways. Loneliness attacks me when I want to grab a coffee on a week night that has suddenly come free, it is there when I am having to make my own plans again for my weekend, it is there when I eat alone or order a meal for one. As I am commuting so much these days, I wonder if it is heightened even more by the fact that I spend so much time in my car alone on the highway. 4 hours a day has not helped my mental space.

The time unfortunately that is the loneliest is at night. It has nothing at all to do with sex (physical touch, yes (more on that later)) but it has to do with the not having anyone to decompress with. No one to talk to. No one to say "I had a shitty day, and I just want you to listen for 2 minutes so that I can move on". That is when I am lonely. My bed for the first time in a long time feels huge and alone. There is no one to share it with. I don't have a anyone to feel a part of the space with.

The other time that is excruciatingly lonely for me is when I realize how much I have to share with someone and how much I would like to care and give to someone. I see it when I cook dinner at le cottage for friends, when I spoil a girlfriend with a present, when I find the perfect thing to do for my niece. All of these things could be shared with someone.

I mentioned physical touch and I think that this is a huge problem for a number of single woman. I also have a theory that it is fueling the pedicure/manicure industry in North America. Gone are the days that we hug each other, heaven forbid I hold someones hand during the day, and god please do not even think of brushing by me on the street stranger, but we all crave human touch. i can't remember the last time I was purposefully touched, unless it was by a child, or by a person that I pay to touch me (get your mind out of the gutter ie. estetician, hair dresser, etc). Is part of the reason that I find the interaction that I have with my manicurist/masseuses/acupuncturist so important in my life the human touch that is part of the experience? I'm not sure, but I am sure that it is part of the relationship and when I see the other women sitting in their perched pedicure chairs in the Korean nail bar, I know that I am not the only one.

This loneliness feels a bit like a blanket that I can't kick off right now. It is always there. I want to get rid of it, I want to be the happier, less-lonely me, but this heavy blanket is on top of me. I wonder when it will lift and how. Not really sure. Visiting doc this week. Maybe I need a little tweak in the meds to help. I certainly feel like this has been here for the long haul, but I also know that I am not the only one. I am just lonely.

Hugs, friends and suggestions welcome!

The dilema of making my life work

i was on twitter this week "tweeting" with a fellow migraine/depression sufferer and she was indicating that she was frustrated with the state of her apartment and the mess that it was in. I sympathize greatly with her. Between the migraines, the drugs, the depression, work and life, I cannot do it all. I realized this week that my apartment is a mess. It is a bloody mess. It is the kind of mess that I don't want to have people over kind of mess.

I am used to being cluttered. I am a pack rat you see. I hoard lots of things. I like stuff. I like chatchkas. i would love to live a minimalist life in a loft with nothing but white furniture and a pendant lamp of fabulousness, but that is not going to happen. I collect things - hats, shoes, costume jewellery, handbags, etc. These things take up space, hence I have shit.

One thing I have never been is dirty. I am not dirty. I am OCD clean. My floors you could eat off, my counters you could lick, you could walk around in white socks and they would stay white! What has happened with my latest round of depression and migraines is that I haven't been able to keep it up. It is disgusting. I can't even stand my own mess. I noticed when I got home from Miami that my bathroom floor was dirty. It was not that I did not want to clean it up, or did not want a clean floor, or desire it more than anything, but where was the energy to do it going to come from. Who was going to get me to do it and why??? I have no one to clean for except myself and that is not really high on the priority list right now. I noticed that my carpet needs a good vacuum, my kitchen floor needs a good scrub, were those dust bunnies in the corners of my hallway?? yes, for the first time in my life they are. I just don't have the energy to do it all. how and when is this going to get done? it is an interesting question when all i really want to do is crawl up in front of the t.v. or in bed and hide from the world or from myself.

I once told a friend of mine who was looking particularly ragged and like she had given up on her appearance that maybe it was a sign that she was just giving up on her own happiness. I wonder if my apartment being in total disarray means that my life is really in total disarray? it does feel like I am spinning out of control a bit to much lately. Avoiding everything a bit too much for everyones goods really - my weight, my health, my finances, my work, my life - maybe it's all manifesting visually in my apartment.

To work, to volunteer, to manage my life, to play well with others, to put on the brave face of survival, is a lot right now. I wonder if I will be able to wash a floor or pull out the vacuum this weekend. Here's hoping.

wondering about my mental state - thoughts on Cipralex

I am really concerned about my mental state these days. My lack of ability to do anything is not good. I just can't function. I am not moving on any front. My headaches are bad, my motivation is negligible and I can't move on any front. I don't want to leave my apt and I just can't function. I wonder if the Cipralex is is not working any more? does that happen? does it just stop working? I have not idea. I am scared though. I can't work. I am not going to work, but working at home in my pj's or yoga pants. This is not good. Not good at all.

Current State of Affairs - Adventures in Depression with Cipralex continues

It is bad. The current state of affairs is bad. I know that I have been joking that I am turning into an eccentric recluse, but I am. I am never leaving my apartment. I don't want to leave, I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to be spotted, I want to stay in my bed and hide under the covers. I know that this is not healthy, but this is really what I want to do. I do not want to do anything. This is bad, it is very bad.

I don't know how to say it any other way. What is scariest about this current state of depression is that I am on some serious anti-depressants. I have been taking cipralex for 6 months (i think) now and I thought that it was really working, but the last two weeks have been awful. I wonder if it is not just a passing phase that I need to get through. My body is going through a lot. I recently upped the Topamax and the Spironolactone that I have been taking. Both of these drugs effect your hormones. Maybe they have just thrown everything out of whack even more than normal. Who the hell knows, but it is getting to a relatively scary place.

I have a cocktail party that I am supposed to go to tonight that I am just about to bow out of. Pathetic. I can't even get my butt out of my apartment to go up the street to see good friends. This is very bad and very scary. I sat beside a friend of mine today at Starbucks today for half an hour and didn't even recognize or acknowledge her until I got up and finally got out of my own fucking bubble. What the hell is wrong with me??? I can't be this depressed. I'm taking things and taking to people so that I won't get this depressed.

Sorry for the rant. I guess this is what happens when your losing your mind.....

Self Medicating - Spironolactone, Topamax, Ciprolax Adventures on crack.....

I realize that I have suddenly self medicated myself. I visited the dermatologist the other day and my skin was so bad, and I was so upset that I just told him that I needed to take more of the meds of spironolactone. I had read online that some individuals take 200mg of it a day and had had results and I was only taking 100mg. He looked at me and said "but of course". Wham bam thank you mam. Had I known that it was going to be that easy, I would have started for asking for the drugs I wanted to have much earlier. Fast forward a week.......

I'm sitting in the neurologists office and i tell him that I am feeling so so, but I need more Topamax. We chat a bit about it. He asks me the usual questions and then started to write a script. Asked me how much Topamax I was taking a day and I said 2 and their you go. We've gone from 1.5 pills to 2 pills a day. I did my research, saw that the 200 mg would be better. He signed the script and there you go. I am no my way.

Both are certainly the right amount and I checked with the pharmacist, who is very good at all of the drug interactions and she was really helpful and assured me that it would remain the same.

What has been interesting on the side effects front, the effects of the Topamax with the memory loss and demotivation is back. Yuck! Hopefully the migraines are going farther away!!!!

Side affects

I just had a really funny experience today. I re-read the side effects of the new drug that I am taking and I had visions of a nauseous, clumsy, a-sexual, dizzy, sore breasted (thank god for the asexuality), hairy, sweaty, dry mouthed version of myself. Now doesn't that sound attractive......... Don't you just wish that you were me?

Terrible skin = new drug entering my life - Spironolactone

I have had enough of having terrible skin on my chin. I have been struggling with Rosacea for 10 years now and have tried all the usual suspects: tetracyclone, creams, facials, peels, lasers, homeopathic treatments, you name it I have tried it. I seem to have it under control over the last little while.

What has started over the last 2-3 years is terrible acne on my chin and very reactive skin. When I wash or apply cream to my face, or for that matter touch it, it goes bright red. It is so reactive. Just awful. No amount of foundation helps it from being red, but I can deal with it. What is so bad is the amount of hormonal acne that I have had lately. I don't know if it is because I am getting older or if it is because I am on all of these meds that are throwing things out of line. Who the hell knows.

Anyway, I have an excellent dermatologist who has been encouraging me to go on Spironolactone. It is a secondary use for the drug that is usually used to treat high blood pressure and congestive heart failure. Apparently it is all about altering the hormones which is what I need. The thing that is scary is the list of side effects:

More common side effects:
nausea and vomiting
stomach cramps and diarrhea

Less common side effects:
breast tenderness (women)
clumsiness
decreased sexual ability
dizziness
deepening of voice (women)
enlargement of breasts (men)
headache
inability to have or keep an erection
increased hair growth (women)
irregular menstrual periods
sweating

Signs of too little sodium:
drowsiness
dry mouth
increased thirst
lack of energy

Lovely, just lovely. I have to do it. Acne/bad skin is an amazing thing. It affects everything about a person. I don't feel like leaving the house, my face is awful, no amount of makeup, product will help. Granted this is not even have as bad, or a tenth as bad as others that I have seen but currently the 3 large welts on my face are disgusting and enough to want to make me where a paper bag over my head!

The Office Pink Panther Strikes....

I work in an office on my own, which I lock the door to whenever I leave and I am vigilant about keeping it private. The work that I do is very confidential and important so it is crucial that it is not open to the bankers that surround my little office. Anyway, today I have a migraine from hell, and I went into my desk to grab a cocktail of soothing drugs - Alleeve, Pepto and Avert - and they were all gone. ALL OF THEM!!!! I saw them yesterday, and today they were gone. Not only that, but so were all of my Luna Bars (protein bars), my chocolates out of my advent calendar and my $40 Kiehl's Hand Cream. WTF???? Who are these people who have gone through my office and stole my migraine meds? Of all the low down, rotten things for someone to do. I just feel so violated. It's really horrible.

Anyway, today is terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, day and I hope that that individual gets very ill on Topamax.

FYI, it doesn't make you high. I've tried.......

The CIpralex Adventure Continues

I have been thinking a lot lately about the little white pills that help me get through the day. 20 mg a day of white miracle powder that compressed into a pill makes me feel like I am semi-normal, semi-balanced. I wonder if this little white pill is the future of my existence? Is this what it is going to be like forever? I guess that that would be OK, if it continued to work.

I had an interesting experience over the holidays, when I was alerted to the fact by my whole family that I was happier, less angry, more normal, more aware of who I was.....if only they knew that it was all because of a little white pill that kept me "normal" and "happy" and "balanced". What would they say if they only knew? The shame that keeps it a secret from them is my secret alone. I wonder if my thoughts on them being ashamed of me and thinking that I can't do it alone would be true? Likely. Would I care? Likely. Why? Who knows.

The Inheritance of Mental Health

I was watching Law and Order: Special Victims Unit and it has really brought home a lot very sad things for me and some things that have proven to be very hurtful. The whole episode was about on of the detectives dealing with their daughter having bi-polar and the issues that he faces around dealing with it after having grown up with a mother who is bi-polar and didn't deal with it.

What I have come to understand about my own chronic depression is that it is very isolating. I come from a family that does not speak about their feelings, does not share how they are truly doing, tries to portray the perfect image on the outside, while everything may be going crazy below the surface.

I do know that my paternal grandmother was not a well woman and from all the stories I hear about her, not only was she like me in so many ways, but she also had many of the similar "quirks" that I do. Heaven forbid anyone calls them mental illness, but my father does identify things sometimes like her not getting out of bed for long periods of time, her sadness, her anger, her general manic and depressive moods. Sound familiar??? How I wish that I had her to speak to now. It would be a confidant and someone that would actually understand.

On my maternal side, it's a whole lot of skeletons in closets. Maternal grandmother-alcoholic, uncle - alcoholic and drug addict as well as bipolar, aunt - manic depressive and just heard that she had a nervous breakdown. All in all a good well of potential gene hell. We don't talk to any of them either... so moving on.

I know that my youngest sister has not the most stable history. I don't think that she is considered anything other than a bad period of 6 months of depression a few years ago and has not had any other serious episodes. I think though that the few times we have chatted about it, she is aware that she doesn't want to feel that way again and is aware of that period in her life.

Anyway, it would be so great to be open with my family about the stuff that is going on with me, but it will never happen. They would be shocked to know that I take a little happy pill every day to be able to get up and function in the morning - Cipralex, and that I am in some serious psychotherapy. Not to mention a back up panic attack med. You'd think that it would be something that would be so easy to talk to people that are so close to you. Mental illness is a sign of weakness for my family. If only I wasn't so sure they would be so ashamed. One day, I am sure it will come out and they will be appalled.