Trying to keep it together while dealing w Seroquel & Weight Gain

I've written  before about the side effects of some of the drugs that I take and especially the dreaded Seroquel.  Recently it has become too much.  I can't seem to get it under control.

I have been monitoring how much I have been eating with Weight Watchers, where I successfully have been gaining weight nearly every week.  I have recently returned to Pilate's, 5 times a week, after not feeling like doing any physical activity at all, other than walking too and from work.  The drugs that I take make lethargy a huge reality.  They help me sleep, but stay in my system, suppressing mania through out the day, until I take them again at night.

I tried on all my jeans last night and none of them fit except the jeans that I recently bought by accident that were too big. Fucking fantastic. I was in tears.  The dress that I was so excited to wear too my sisters wedding looks terrible.  I just feel miserable.  I look awful.  I feel awful.

When I started taking all these mental health drugs I was aware that one of the side effects was weight gain and I was prepared for some weight gain, but not like this.  I believe and understand that I have to take them, but I am starting to resent every night when I drop two little white pills on my tongue.

I have never been skinny.  My weight had been high but steady for a number of years and I was fine with that.  I was comfortable at my weight and was ok not being skinny.  I dressed to suit my size and had people who found me attractive.  Now I am fatter and uglier and just feel disgusting.  It makes taking the drugs so much harder.  It is a battle everyday.

One of the worst things is that I don't know when it will stop.  Is the weight gain going to keep going and going as long as I keep taking these drugs???  Am I going to be 700 pounds one day and someone is going to have to remove me from my apartment with a fork lift??  Is the trajectory that I am just going to get fatter and fatter??  No one can answer me.

For now I am going to keep taking the Seroquel, keep taking the other drugs, keep going to Weight Watchers, keep going to Pilate's, keep walking to work and keep hoping that it gets better everyday, it's all I can do.

Battling the Monster: Anger and action of dealing with weight gain as a side effects of drugs

I have always struggled with my weight.  When I was younger I used to dream that one day I would wake up and want to be skinny and then I would lose weight.  Somehow there would be a switch in my head that would just go on and I would have a desire to lose weight.  I have written before on this little blog about my weight, issues with my weight and a lot of insight that I have on why I struggle with my weight, and all of that is relevant and important as I look out to my current situation, but I want to leave it behind.  I want to focus today on the fact that I am angry, and upset, and disappointed in myself, for falling pray to the #seroquelcarbsmonster.

For anyone that deals with schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, sever depression or a host of other mood disorders, has heard of the drug, Seroquel and its lovely side effect, The Carbs Monster.  Since I started taking this drug last April, so a year ago, I have put on 20lbs.  This is not 20lbs that I have to gain.  I had far more than 20 to lose. 

I am angry.  I am angry that I let this happen.  I am angry that I fell down to the feet of the "Monster" and did so with such vigor.  I apparently have taken the monster as a lover.  I feed him, he comforts me, we are good friends when I am so lonely.  What is so shocking is it is not like I am eating a hell of a lot.  I feel like eating a piece of bread just attaches itself to my hip and won't let go.  I didn't eat wheat, didn't drink caffeine or alcohol, in January, do you think I lost a pound??? Not a one.  On a diet of veggies, water and legumes, the Monster still won.

So what am I to do??  Well I joined Weight Watchers yesterday.  I just woke up last week and had had enough of these fucking side effects and decided to take some action.  I was so depressed when I was weighed and then after the meeting was told that my weight loss will be twice as slow given the drugs that I am taking.  Well that is just fucking wonderful.  One more great thing to add to the list of "Why I hate taking 14 pills a day".  I will battle the monster and hope that I win.  Everyday is a struggle to stay on track anyway, why wouldn't I add slaying the #seroquelCarbsMonster to the list???