Sex, Dating and Relationships at a support group

Last Thursday I spent 2 hours in a group therapy session with 9 other woman, all of us have some level of crazy - bipolar, severe depression, anxiety - of course we don't call it crazy, we say "living with Bipolar Disorder/depression/social anxiety etc".  Anyway every week tends to  have its own flavour.  Some weeks everyone just talks about what is going on in their own lives, other days we help someone who needs to be more social and then all of a sudden we are all admitting that we are hermits.  Last week we talked about sex, dating and relationships.  Now before I go any further, I should let you know that many of these women I see every week and have been going to for months, some of them for years, so we tend to know each other well.

So how did the topic of "Sex, Dating and Relationships" come up?  It was all really very innocent.  One of the woman asked if anyone would be offended if we talked about sex and the flood gates opened.  She in particular wanted to talk about the fact that she had no sex drive.  The drugs, her mood and the weather had sucked all thoughts of sex out of her.  So many people agreed and sympathized.  The discussion lead to the fact that drugs have taken so much from so many of us and feeling attractive (the weight gain of some of the drugs being only one part of feeling so unattractive even to ourselves) and having a sex drive is just one more thing.  The next woman to speak, spoke about being manic and not getting enough sex.  We all laughed at the fact that mental illness certainly led so many of us on different paths and polar opposites of the spectrum.

When it came my time to speak, I was amazed at how open I was with this group of woman about the pain of being lonely, and the challenges that mental illness brings to bear on being social, dating and relationships.  I have avoided socializing for months (ok, maybe it is now over a year, close to two), let alone dating.  I have a couple of male friends who I see occasionally, but we do not date.  I am just too closed emotionally to date.  The idea is slightly terrifying.  I fear the rejection might throw me over an edge that I don`t wish to go over.  Closed emotionally might not be the best description, but emotionally fragile might be better.  This of course does nothing for the feelings of being lonely.  I also believe that the longer that I am anti-social, the lonelier I get, the scarier it becomes to be social, the more anti-social I become, the lonelier I get......and the circle goes on and on and grows bigger and bigger.

I was not surprised to hear that I was not the only one.  So many of the women in the group were in the same boat.  I was at this point crying.  I had opened a part of my emotional self to these women that was very sensitive and very raw.  It is not easy to admit that you are very lonely and that you are in this evil cycle.

I also admitted that part of the challenge was that I had not found anyone attractive in ages.  It has been a very long time that I have had butterflies in my stomach when a boy/man is around that I like.  I wonder if my mind has done this on purpose so that I will not be distracted from getting better?  I have in recent months found some people attractive (previous posts have expressed this - baby fluttering butterflies) and I think that this might be a good sign that I am ready to begin to be more social, still beyond terrified though, so who knows.

What was amazing is that, when I admitted this, so many of the women then started to prop me up.  They helped to build my self esteem.  I was told that I was worthy of love.  I was a wonderful person.  That I was supporting this group of women every Thursday afternoon, no matter how sick I was, rather than them supporting me.  That at some point, someone fabulous would notice this.  Who knew that I would find a number of cheerleaders in this group of crazy ladies???

By the end of the session we had covered the difficulties of loneliness, drugs and sex drive, bipolar mania and sex, dating and mental health, mental health and discloser while dating, casual relationships and their impact on our mental health, long term relationships and mental health, "am I worthy of love, even with our mental illnesses??", letting go of toxic relationships.......

Who knew that this support group would end up being so focused on Sex, Dating and Relationships, but it was needed.  I needed the support of the group to know that I was not alone.  I also needed to know that it was OK to put myself out there and try.  Everyone faces rejection and I would be OK on the other side, I just had to go for it.  Easier said than done, I say.  Maybe after this Thursday, I will have a little more courage and a little more cheerleading to push me to go and find someone who makes butterflies fly in my stomach...

A new view of body image - the mirror at the end of my shower

I have been away in South America for a week now and yesterday I changed rooms in our apartment from a lovely Argentinian Blue Room that looked out onto the street with a fantastic en suite bathroom with a walk in shower, to an interior bedroom, that has an ensuite bathroom with a bathtub.  I hadn't used the shower yet in the bathroom until this afternoon.  I was taken completely aback when I turned around and there was a floor to ceiling mirror at the end of the tub.  I don't know about you, but it is a cold day in hell when I actually look at myself naked in a mirror.  I was shocked that there in my shower I am going to have to face myself everyday. 

I was recently told by a very sweet and kind boy, who had seen me in my most vulnerable state, that I was "gorgeous".  He told me that I "should tell the negative voices in my head to be quiet, because they were wrong", that "men should be lucky to be with me" and "that I should cherish how wonderful I made him feel".  I don't see what he sees in the mirror.  I see someone who is unattractive.  Who is not happy.  Who is fat.  Who has such negative voices screeming at me so strongly that I can't hear anything else but hatred and disgust at the way I look.  But somewhere in there is the reminder of that tiny voice of a man who appreciated my body for what it is, took pleasure in what it is, found it beautiful and critisized me for the negativity that I felt.  There have been others, but none who called me so clearly on the negative voice in my head. 

I feel as if the mirror at the end of the tub will be a chance to look at myself for what I am.  A chance to try and find beauty where I have not found beauty ever before.  To look at myself in a new light.  To go from not wanting to look at myself ever, to having to face myself everyday at the end of my shower.  There is no choice.  The mirror is not going away.

What to do next?

I am a terrible flirter, not only that but I find myself stuck in a situations like yesterday that drive me insane.  I was out with a friend of mine shopping.  We went into a store and had a lovely time trying on accessories.  As we were there, I struck up a lovely conversation and unintentionally flirted with the owner of the store and really felt like it was a mutual attraction.  So here is the question, and the challenge that I often have, how to move from there to the next level of actually exchaning phone numbers/taking it to the next level?  Maybe I missed a whole level of matturity/growing up.  I just don't seem to have picked up that skill.  It just sucks.  He was adorable, i know that there was a little bit of a spark I just wish that I could have capitalized on it more.  Another opportunity lost, unless I go back there again to look at accessories....

Ten things that suck for You about not dating Me

I recently went through an experience of meeting someone through Twitter that I was really looking forward to meeting in person and potentially having more than a friendship with. (For more information on the “gentleman” please see posts such as “Regretting recent decisions about my blog and a New Disclaimer” and “Maybe he’s scared”.) When the “gentleman” put a stop to things a few weeks ago, for whatever reason (I wrote about him on my blog, I think he needed another excuse), I have realized that I had a lot of plans in the works for us (or any boy really) that I would date that make me fabulous. Now particular for you “gentleman” I have tailored the list of “Ten things that suck for You about not Dating Me”:



1) I am a pretty friggin cool girl. I love to have fun. I am caring and nice and empathetic and wonderful. You, my friend, are missing out.


2) Knowing your obsession with stockings, fabulous garters and spectacular lingerie etc. I had spoiled myself (and you) at Secrets and Lace. www.secretsandlace.com The stuff has arrived, it is gorgeous, and I feel fabulous and sexy in it.


3) I love to cook for people. It is one of my favourite things. Too bad so sad. I had a cocktail hour planned for our first meeting. Champers, lovely appetizers, you already told me what you were going to wear and I knew what I was going to wear. It is so sad. The Foie Gras terrine is going to have to be used on another boy…..


4) I am smart. Not as smart as you in some areas, but smart. I could keep you busy and entertained. Plus, little did you know that we share many of the same political views. Just saying.


5) I am currently embarking on 15 days at the Ritz Carlton in Jamaica, boyfriends, husbands included and paid for ……


6) I am the perfect gift giver. I had purchased you lovely cobalt and platinum montblanc cufflinks (which I have now returned) and a pair of silver inukshuk cufflinks (which I am keeping) Your fave colour and a bit of Canadian to make you feel a bit special in the middle of winter. By-the-by they were both fab.


7) I have access to Superbowl Tickets and I know how much you love football. Not that it matters, but I also have access to condos in Miami on the beach. Sounds like the perfect Feb long weekend no??


8) I love to spoil boys, by buying them things, but especially in bed. It makes me happy when they are happy.


9) I really love to explore life and want to find someone to do that with.  Whether that be, eating, drinking, theater, shopping, new art exhibits, walking around a new city or the city where I live, these are things that excite me and that i want to share with someone else.


10) I am awesome!

At the end of this list I find myself sad that I am not sharing myself with someone.  I find myself sad that I am not sharing my plans with "gentleman" as I was really excited to do that.  I also realize that he is missing a lot too.  I am a great person.  I deserve a lot.  I deserve someone who wants to spend time with me.  Who wants me to spoil them.  Who wants me to share things with them.  #thatisall.

Regretting recent decisions and apologies about my blog and blog enteries

Recently I was pressured to remove a blog post entitled “ “It’s not a date, until I call it a date” - expectations” that I had written about an online conversation that I had had with a gentleman by said gentleman. The post was not about the gentleman directly, his identity, his profession, did not link to his blog, his name, his twitter id, as a matter of fact nothing linked him to the post. What I did do in the post was cut and paste certain parts of the conversation that we were having and reflect on my feelings about him, the post, the relationship online.

I have never apologized for my writings. I have never removed a blog post. I have never ever said that I am sorry for what I feel until now – and I feel sick about doing it this time.

I would like to state that I have re-read the blog post a hundred times and have come to the conclusion that it is lovely and sweet. It is heartfelt and touching and raw emotion of someone aka me, that is nervous about the fact that they have vested a lot of themselves into someone that they are not sure about. I am sad that he found it offensive. I was overly sad that he has decided that because of what I wrote he does not want to see me, I am overly mad that because of what I wrote and because he needed an excuse he used what I wrote to get out of what we had.

The interaction has made me really think about what my blog is about:

My blog is a diary of sorts. It is an online accounting of how I feel about life; my migraines, my mental health, my style, my heart. There is a reason that I do not share this space with my family and friends, because it is an open door to my soul. It is some of my deepest, most raw thoughts. If you do not want to know what those thoughts are, please do not read it. I do not want to be criticized for my thoughts and feelings.

As a friend and “blogger” I will not expose my friends openly in my blog. I will not post pictures on my blog of friends and family as I do not post pictures of myself ensuring their anonymity and my own. I will use false names and nicknames to ensure that they are kept secret. I promise you that. I cherish anonymity in this forum.

As a conclusion to my final interaction with the gentleman, I was too quick to respond. I wrote him this e-mail after taking down the post about our chats and recieving his ranting e-mail at me:

i am so sorry. i am glad that you are feeling better. i published anonymously and published under something that i assumed would not be attributed back to you. how it could be i am not sure. i have removed the post. i feel horrible. please accept my sincerist apologies. i litterally feel sick that you are upset. I write a diary online. Everything is personal on there. I write about the drugs i take, my family, my sisters, my firends, ecetera. I never intended it to be hurtful.

I have deleted the post and did post it anonymously with no link to your handle. i hope you can appreciate that. i looked through it to make sure. I can't believe i fucked up this royally. i feel like an idiot. a royal friggin idiot. i never ever in a million years thought that i would hurt you. i actually don't think that anyone reads my blog. maybe this is a lesson that i should just write it and make it private.


irronically i miss you. i was thinking about you today. i miss our chats and i feel like an idiot. you are a kind person and how anyone could attribut the post to you i am not sure. if you feel like chatting, let me know. I would love to meet. Let me know if you get this. i was so ill and it has been such a difficult time this fall in winnipeg that you have truly been a great relief from it. Thank you.

i feel sick to my stomach about it and apologize. sorry that you have been so ill.

Steph

I was quick to apologize and own the error. I hate that I did that. It was not my mistake. I wrote what I felt. It was a lovely, wonderful, heartfelt post. I am sorry that you read it the wrong way and that you are out of my life. For that I am sorry. I am also sorry that you didn’t have enough balls to write me back after I apologized even to say you recieved it. The lesson that I have learnt from this whole sordid mess, is that:

a. I will never apologize for my writing on my blog. Please read at your own risk. If you read it, please comment and tell me what you do and don’t like about my writing, but I will not be removing posts. These are my thoughts.

b. I had really on some level liked this boy and grown to like our chats and I hate myself for it. Amazing that you can become so vested in an online relationship friendship so easily. Yuck.

c. I will be putting a disclaimer on my blog. As this used to be so anonymous, no one I knew ever read it. Now that I am having the privilege of meeting so many of my twitter friends, many of them are linking to my blog through here. It is the first time that my blog is being read by people I actually know. Eek!!!