The abyss of loneliness

courtesy of http://www.someecards.com/



This weekend, it became evidently clear again that I am alone and it sucks.

When receiving some bad family news on Friday over champagne, #londonsis had her fiance and #torontosis had her husband and baby, to hold on too, as we absorbed the information that we were being told.  I had no one.  No one to get home and cry to on the sofa, to cuddle up to in their arms just for some comfort, to hold their hand so that i didn't feel like I was going to fall off the deep end of the ocean into an abyss of fear, sadness and depression.  All of my emotions were mine alone, to process and manage the feelings on my own.  It was horrible.  It was even more horrible because I have really secluded myself from any friends that I had, and don't feel that I'm able to reach out to them now when I am back in crisis.

I so rarely feel like being single is awful.  I do single well.  I am confident in doing things on my own and I am usually perfectly OK with it.  Except that I know that this life is meant to be shared with another human being and that I do not want to be on my own forever.  On Friday and throughout the weekend, I was reminded that it is truly awful going through this life on one's own and this is not the life that I want to lead. 

But I am a lot to take on.  I know that the hope of finding a partner is even smaller given my mental illness.  Before I was sick and diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, I was just the girl with Migraines that battles chronic depression, but was still fun when needed.  Now I am the girl who is crazy, needs 10 pills a day to keep some form of sanity and has gained another 25 pounds because of the drugs that I am taking.  What man/boy wants to take that on? Not very many.

I rarely find men attractive anymore.  I think that it is a defence mechanism.  Don't worry, if you don't find anyone attractive, you will never put yourself out there, you will never get rejected, you will never have to face the fact that you are, as you believed, a lot to take on, too much for most people.  When I do find someone attractive, I am so eager for them to like me that I am destine to be over eager on all angles.  I am a relationship mess.  Sabotaging my own happiness, before it has a second to establish itself.

So here I am.  Me.  Myself.  I.  Alone. I wish I could change it, but apparently this is not going to be easy.  I sit at my desk, tears running down my cheeks, thinking that I may be stuck in this abyss of loneliness forever.

Raw & Honest Take on Relationships & Mental Health-An Interview

I had the wonderful and rare experience tonight of being interviewed on "Blog Radio" for HealthyPlace Radio.  It was a provocative and interesting experience.  I was very nervous to have a conversation about how mental illness has affected my social life, but I just listened to the 15 minute interview and I am quite proud of it.  It is a true, raw, honest accounting of how I feel.  I am surprised at how negative and sad it is, but then I realize that the situation is depressing.  The interviewer was great.  He asked some great questions.  One of the best was: "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"  I haven't thought about it and the scariest part of it is, if I don't change my path it won't be much different from where I am now.  

I have attached the interview below if you would like to listen to it.  I would be interested to know what you think and if you feel the same way.  Please let me know.

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Exposing my broken brain on the radio

This evening I am exposing myself and my broken brain once again, but this time on the radio.  I have been asked to be interviewed by the HealthyPlace Radio Show.  At first I was very hesitant to open up myself up to a radio interview and discuss my mental health; it is very raw, there is no do-overs, what I say is what you get, I had no idea what the topic would be, I was nervous about hearing my own voice talking about the hardships of mental illness...

My twitter friend, Amy, asked me to do the interview a month ago.  It took me that long to say yes.  I really had to think about it.  When I agreed to it, we talked about potential topics, everything from stress and its impact on bipolar, social life and the affect of mental illness on it, drugs and their side effects, working and bipolar..... Amy decided that i will be discussing how social relationships are affected by living with Bipolar 2 and social anxiety.

I have been thinking a lot about the topic and realize that what is most prevalent is that not only are my relationships affected by my mental illness, but they have pretty much disappeared because of my mental illness.  I am trying to think of why? what did I do to make that happen? how i am adapting to the new reality?  I expect to talk about all of that this evening.

Anyway I can be listened to here at 7pm Central 8pm Eastern if you care to join me.  I'm nervous, so wish me luck.

Law & Order:Criminal Intent deals with Mental Health

I have always found that there is one TV show that deals with Mental Health relatively well and that is Law & Order: Criminal Intent, particularly the character Detective Robert Goren played by Vincent d'Onofrio.  Now it is widely known that I have a 'made for tv' crush on that particular character, but what has really caught my attention recently is his time spent in therapy.   In the show they portray his mother as a schizophrenic and the Detective deals with depression/anger issues and the fears of the  being alone/not able to manage a relationship.

Today I was watching a taped episode and at the end of the hour, Detective Goren meets with his therapist.  The clip above is perfect and I feel like I could be in his chair, asking the same questions of my therapist "Am I capable of a relationship?? A family?"  The therapist's response is classic therapy "Well, we could work towards that goal."  I'm sorry, but not only is that an infuriating response, but WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT MEAN????  How does that help?  It does not advance the therapy session at all.  It is one of those moments in any type of therapist, patient relationships where you just want to scream at the top of your lungs.  I am glad I was able to capture it, even badly with my iPhone.  I am also glad that a tv show is demonstrating some of the frustrations of mental health in an honest way.

Sex, Dating and Relationships at a support group

Last Thursday I spent 2 hours in a group therapy session with 9 other woman, all of us have some level of crazy - bipolar, severe depression, anxiety - of course we don't call it crazy, we say "living with Bipolar Disorder/depression/social anxiety etc".  Anyway every week tends to  have its own flavour.  Some weeks everyone just talks about what is going on in their own lives, other days we help someone who needs to be more social and then all of a sudden we are all admitting that we are hermits.  Last week we talked about sex, dating and relationships.  Now before I go any further, I should let you know that many of these women I see every week and have been going to for months, some of them for years, so we tend to know each other well.

So how did the topic of "Sex, Dating and Relationships" come up?  It was all really very innocent.  One of the woman asked if anyone would be offended if we talked about sex and the flood gates opened.  She in particular wanted to talk about the fact that she had no sex drive.  The drugs, her mood and the weather had sucked all thoughts of sex out of her.  So many people agreed and sympathized.  The discussion lead to the fact that drugs have taken so much from so many of us and feeling attractive (the weight gain of some of the drugs being only one part of feeling so unattractive even to ourselves) and having a sex drive is just one more thing.  The next woman to speak, spoke about being manic and not getting enough sex.  We all laughed at the fact that mental illness certainly led so many of us on different paths and polar opposites of the spectrum.

When it came my time to speak, I was amazed at how open I was with this group of woman about the pain of being lonely, and the challenges that mental illness brings to bear on being social, dating and relationships.  I have avoided socializing for months (ok, maybe it is now over a year, close to two), let alone dating.  I have a couple of male friends who I see occasionally, but we do not date.  I am just too closed emotionally to date.  The idea is slightly terrifying.  I fear the rejection might throw me over an edge that I don`t wish to go over.  Closed emotionally might not be the best description, but emotionally fragile might be better.  This of course does nothing for the feelings of being lonely.  I also believe that the longer that I am anti-social, the lonelier I get, the scarier it becomes to be social, the more anti-social I become, the lonelier I get......and the circle goes on and on and grows bigger and bigger.

I was not surprised to hear that I was not the only one.  So many of the women in the group were in the same boat.  I was at this point crying.  I had opened a part of my emotional self to these women that was very sensitive and very raw.  It is not easy to admit that you are very lonely and that you are in this evil cycle.

I also admitted that part of the challenge was that I had not found anyone attractive in ages.  It has been a very long time that I have had butterflies in my stomach when a boy/man is around that I like.  I wonder if my mind has done this on purpose so that I will not be distracted from getting better?  I have in recent months found some people attractive (previous posts have expressed this - baby fluttering butterflies) and I think that this might be a good sign that I am ready to begin to be more social, still beyond terrified though, so who knows.

What was amazing is that, when I admitted this, so many of the women then started to prop me up.  They helped to build my self esteem.  I was told that I was worthy of love.  I was a wonderful person.  That I was supporting this group of women every Thursday afternoon, no matter how sick I was, rather than them supporting me.  That at some point, someone fabulous would notice this.  Who knew that I would find a number of cheerleaders in this group of crazy ladies???

By the end of the session we had covered the difficulties of loneliness, drugs and sex drive, bipolar mania and sex, dating and mental health, mental health and discloser while dating, casual relationships and their impact on our mental health, long term relationships and mental health, "am I worthy of love, even with our mental illnesses??", letting go of toxic relationships.......

Who knew that this support group would end up being so focused on Sex, Dating and Relationships, but it was needed.  I needed the support of the group to know that I was not alone.  I also needed to know that it was OK to put myself out there and try.  Everyone faces rejection and I would be OK on the other side, I just had to go for it.  Easier said than done, I say.  Maybe after this Thursday, I will have a little more courage and a little more cheerleading to push me to go and find someone who makes butterflies fly in my stomach...

I am not only my illness - Conversation with a mentor after 16 months

Today I spoke to someone that I have known for 13 years and was for all intensive purposes my business mentor and one of my closest friends for most of that time.  I have not spoken to her since October 4th, 2009, the moment that I left Toronto and went to Winnipeg to work with a different client.  It was also the time that I started to spiral from being sick to being extremely sick over the next three months.  We had worked together on a project and I had not been well on that project and I think that I had not treated her well and I was and am embarrassed about the way that I left the client.  


Anyway, today I received this e-mail in my inbox at work:


OMG YOU are a hard girl to track down. I can’t believe you are back to the -----. Must be a story there. Hope you are well. Would like to catch up some time. T


I have wanted to write her a letter for the last 6 months to explain what had happened.  I knew that she would understand.  Her spouse is Bipolar and used to be a very successful lawyer and now does not work, but I still felt that excusing my behaviour when I was sick and letting her down at work was not going to be easy.


I called her right away when I got the e-mail and the sound of her voice made me cry right away.  Having not spoken to her in so long, it was so comforting to hear an old friend.  I explained what had happened quite quickly over the last year and a half.  In essence she said in the most lovely way "what happened at work, happened.  I knew you were sick, I couldn't help you, but I wanted to.  I saw you spiraling downwards.  You are a dear friend and I am so sorry you were sick.  I love you."  


We ended up chatting for 20 minutes.  I felt like I had just seen her a week ago.  Why had i been so stupid and not called her earlier???  I do not know.  I was scared.  I was sick.  I was embarrassed.  I am lucky to have these people in my life.  


I realized again in this conversation that I am worthy of love.  I can be a wonderful person.  I can be a good friend.  I can be someone who is a valuable partner in a relationship, be it a friendship or a romantic relationship.  I can be relied on.  I am not only my illness.


Why I have feared reaching out to any of my friends after not speaking to them for so long? I am not sure, but after today, it will be easier.

Writing and not writing

I am desperate to write about my emotions these days but I cannot.  They are tied up in work, in people that I interact with on twitter, in things that are going on with my family, with my friends, with my life in general.  Many of which would hurt or expose me in a way that would not be good to write about here either by hurting the individual who is causing me turmoil, exposing some emotions that would be raw and come back and stab me in the back, and by talking about a workplace in an unfair way.  So what am I to do??

So, I have decided to write the posts.  There are 3 of them and just the process of writing the three of them and leaving them in my "drafts" inbox has made me feel a bit better.  I have written about some of the challenges at work, that has helped.  I have written about some of the feelings that I am feeling around some things that are going on with my family.  I have written about some of the issues surrounding seclusion.  What I have not written about and I know I have to, are the feelings of loneliness and attraction.  These are too sensitive and difficult.  I will get there, maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow, maybe in a month, but soon I will write about them and leave them in my drafts box and leave them there to be released potentially never.   No one will get hurt, none of my emotions will be exposed to people that are part of the posts and most importantly everyone will be safe from my words, except me.

Who am I? Defined by my job

I was reminded this week, that when I was out of work, I worried about the fact that I "was defined by my job" when I was working.  When asked who I was, I replied that "I was a management consultant", not that I was an intelligent woman who had a number of things going for her.  I vowed that my job when I returned to work in 2011 would not define who I was again.

I believed at that time, that a job serving coffee or working in a book store, would have meant that I would not have had the same stresses and all consuming feeling of my job as a Mgmt Consultant did.  That was the plan anyway.  To find a job that was easy, fun and something that was not going to be so stressful.  Oh how things change when you start to feel better and are away from the stresses of everyday work.

While I was away in Argentina I was offered a job, with a past client that I had worked with.  I was feeling great that particular week and felt like I could do anything.  Being on holidays for 6 weeks, not having any stress, and working out regularly, can do that to a girl.  So I took the job in a moment of weakness, health and being swayed by the salary that it offered.  I started on January 4th.

So here I am.  6 weeks in and if asked who I am right at this moment, I fear the answer would be the response to the question "What do you do?"  I am more than the work that I do.  I know that.  But when I have little else besides the job that I do, it is difficult.

I have managed to ruin nearly all the relationships in my life because of my mental illness and the inability for me to be a reliable friend to people these days.  I choose solitary activities that do not involve interaction with others, so that my social anxiety stays at bay.  I would rather be on my own than with others.  Social activities these days, involve attending peer support groups for people who are suffering from mood disorders like myself.  These things all make it easy for one to be defined by the job that they do.

I know I am good at my job, if not great, but I also know that in order to be happy, I have to have other things in my life.  I must start to build a life outside of my work that involves people.  I must start to interact with friends again.  I must start to build a life that involves me, not just the work that I do.

So, what is the answer that I want to be able to give the next time someone asks "Who are you?"  That my friends is the million dollar question.

Sometimes you just have to have Hope

As it stands, I am not married.  I have not dated anyone seriously in ages.  I appear to be eternally single, and this is only getting worse as I am now burdened with new realities of a mental illness.  However tonight I was confronted again with the question "Are you going to get married? Will you ever find that person to marry?" This question must be all over the thoughts of my family right now.  My littlest sister, #londonsis, is getting married in December, and as she is 9 years younger than me, I know that I am on their mind.  There appears to  be no hope for this girl in her mid 30s who is alone.

My parents have made comments in the past, I know not intentionally, about my not ever getting married and them not having hope, but hope is all that i have.  (My mother casually offering to buy me the whole Le Crueset line if I ever do get married, does not instill in her daughter that she has any hope that I will ever get married.)  I want more than anything to have a partner/husband and a family of my own, but sometimes wanting something is not enough.

I told my father tonight. as he casually said that he had in the past thought that the money that they would have spent on a wedding for me I could use to buy a house potentially, that I had not lost hope and I needed him to not loose hope either.  It would mean the end of everything.  Hope is all that I have on this matter.  I have to have hope that one day I will meet someone that I love, who will love me, who wants to have children, who wants to be with me, illnesses and all.  For now I grasp on tiny strands of hope that are growing fainter as the days go by....

Friendships/Relationships and the Shiksa

My new job is at a Temple (synagogue) in Toronto.  I worked here previously when I was a management consultant and loved it.  I felt an kinship to the Jewish faith and discovered that I felt more at home in a sanctuary of a Shul than I have ever felt in a church.  I attend services when I am available on a Saturday morning and feel that I want to, and even par take in High Holy Day festivities including Rosh Hashanah and Yon Kippur. 

The running joke with my family and friends has been for a while, "so, when are you going to meet a nice Jewish boy and convert?" and that seems to be the question for me also.  Although I have made so many wonderful friends at the Temple, I have not met any single men. 

The question also probes the question of conversion: To convert or not? Especially if I feel so comfortable within the walls of the Jewish faith.  I was chatting with a friend about conversion yesterday and expressed that I felt conversion without a partner would be very lonely. I could not convert and have Christmas dinner with my family for instance.  I would feel like that would be disrespectful to a faith that I had chosen (Judaism).  But converting to Judaism for someone (a partner) would be a whole different kettle of fish.  There would be someone to walk through life with, celebrate life cycle events with, holidays etc.  I cannot explain it, but it would be an easier journey and not so alienating or lonely.

So yesterday, under the persuasion of my assistant and a new friend, I joined jDate, the online Jewish dating service.  I made it clear that I was not Jewish but willing and looking to convert.  We shall see.  I have never done any online dating and it was terrifying to hit "OK" when I was at the end of submitting my information, including a picture.  I don't know, maybe good things will come from this.  I am searching for my "bashert" or "perfect match" as they say in Yiddish.  Hopefully he is out there somewhere.

A Crush

It has been years since I've been attracted to anyone.  You know the feeling, the pit of the stomach when you really want to spend time with someone, the desire to find time near them, to figure out who they are, the need to google them, find out if they are dating someone.... all of those childish things that make us feel like we are back to being in grade 7!

I certainly have not had a crush on anyone since I got sick last year and that has made it quite surprising that in the last week I have developed a crush on a man and I am not quite sure what to do?  I know that it sounds like I am acting like I am 5 years old, but I feel like I am 5 years old.  It has been so long since I have felt anything for anyone.  I also feel like I am at a loss as to what to do.  This boy/man is sweet, he loves children, he's not married, not sure if he's dating anyone, so far so good.  From there I have no idea where to go.

My low self esteem and constant anxiety has certainly played into how i have felt about approaching anyone that I might even be slightly attracted to.  I also constantly worry that I am a lot for someone to take on.  I do not mean that I am high maintenance by any senses of the word, but I am someone who has a chronic illness and is mentally ill forever.  I also thought earlier today that I have to start thinking  about some of the things that make me an ok catch.  Thinks like I am caring, I love to look after people, I'm excellent with children, I like to cook, I'm fun,..... even writing them down does not help me to believe them.

Maybe I'm just not ready to meet anyone, but in my heart, I know that I am desperate to meet someone.  I also know that as I get older it is so rare that I meet anyone that I could potentially like, let alone like.  This of course adds to the pressure of every attraction.  I am not 20 anymore and I think it adds so much pressure to every interaction that I have with someone that I could potentially like.

So here I am, wondering what to do??  I have no idea how to move this forward and I feel ridiculous.  If you have any ideas let me know.  I have fully reverted back to being in grade 3 and I feel just as awkward, except I really like this person and could see something really working out with him.  This is not just child's play anymore.

Loneliness - the secret friend of Mental Illness

I have written recently about friendships and the work that I have been, or need to do on the friendships that I have or had.  As I have been looking at my own life I realize that I am desperately lonely and I am not the only one.  Many of the people that I interact with who are mentally ill or dealing with mental health  issues are also lonely, both for friendships and intimate relationships.  I've been thinking a lot about the reasons that all of these wonderful people are not surrounded by caring and fabulous friends and lovers and I realize that many times we do it to ourselves.  3 of a number of theories that I have:

• The search for solitude - The vicious circle of mental illness and loneliness begins with the desire to be alone and alienate oneself from everyone else.  To be alone. To not burden family or friends with the illness or sadness.  To not e-mail, see, talk to or interact with even the closest of friends.  Unless your friends understand mental illness well, it is difficult for them to understand that "fall off the face of the earth".  I am finding that it is also difficult to rebuild these relationships.  No matter how sick you are or were, mental health is not easily explained.  I was able to e-mail, speak on the phone, go for coffee, walk to a movie etc. but I could not because I was ill, is a hard thing to understand, even for me and I am the one with the mental illness.
• Sabotaging current relationships - I have single handedly ruined a number of relationships, due in part to my mental illness and my personality.  I was very angry before I understood that I was bipolar, and I had medication that worked and helped me to be more level headed.  My father used to say that I "was so controlling and domineering in relationships, it was a wonder they continued to be my friends".  My sister in Toronto recently told me that I seem much less angry which is a great thing.  Beyond anger, the truth in the past, has been a very difficult thing for me.  I think I feel that perhaps people really aren't going to like the real me.  Surprisingly, after taking part in a number of Bipolar support groups and speaking to a number of people to have mental illnesses, I am not the only one who struggles with this.  I do not blame my un-integritous life as being because of my mental illness, but I do know that it has impacted some of my relationships.  I am working everyday on leading a life of integrity. 
• Challenges of Loving a Crazy Person -"I can barely stand to spend time with myself, how can I expect others to spend time with me" tends to be a common sentiment for me these days.  I wonder how anyone is going to be willing to take this on, this whole mess of a person.  Telling someone that you are mentally ill is not exactly an endearing trait.  That you are going to be mentally ill for the rest of your life does not help either.  I am a lot to take on.  Between the bipolar manic ups and chronic depression downs, the medication that makes me gain weight, not be myself, throws my sex drive up and down, makes my creativity disappear and ohh just in case that isn't fun enough I can be manic and depressed all in the span of 12 hours, just so that you can stay entertained.  I can understand how I might be lonely forever, can't you?

I know that there are other reasons and theories for loneliness, many of them that I have been bantering around, but I think that these three are a good start.  Being lonely both on a friendship and an intimate level is a horrible feeling.  It is something that sits with you like an anchor.  It plays into depression and mental illness like a drug forcing it to grow and flourish.  The feeling is awful and I am not sure how to make it better, but reaching out to friends bit by bit, will hopefully help.  

Some days I feel like I will be alone forever, I know that this is a possibility and it brings tears to my eyes.  Other days I hope that I will find people who love me, sickness and all.  Realistically, I just hope to feel less lonely than I do today, and to be able to tell people who are lonely like me, it get's better, I promise.

Regretting recent decisions and apologies about my blog and blog enteries

Recently I was pressured to remove a blog post entitled “ “It’s not a date, until I call it a date” - expectations” that I had written about an online conversation that I had had with a gentleman by said gentleman. The post was not about the gentleman directly, his identity, his profession, did not link to his blog, his name, his twitter id, as a matter of fact nothing linked him to the post. What I did do in the post was cut and paste certain parts of the conversation that we were having and reflect on my feelings about him, the post, the relationship online.

I have never apologized for my writings. I have never removed a blog post. I have never ever said that I am sorry for what I feel until now – and I feel sick about doing it this time.

I would like to state that I have re-read the blog post a hundred times and have come to the conclusion that it is lovely and sweet. It is heartfelt and touching and raw emotion of someone aka me, that is nervous about the fact that they have vested a lot of themselves into someone that they are not sure about. I am sad that he found it offensive. I was overly sad that he has decided that because of what I wrote he does not want to see me, I am overly mad that because of what I wrote and because he needed an excuse he used what I wrote to get out of what we had.

The interaction has made me really think about what my blog is about:

My blog is a diary of sorts. It is an online accounting of how I feel about life; my migraines, my mental health, my style, my heart. There is a reason that I do not share this space with my family and friends, because it is an open door to my soul. It is some of my deepest, most raw thoughts. If you do not want to know what those thoughts are, please do not read it. I do not want to be criticized for my thoughts and feelings.

As a friend and “blogger” I will not expose my friends openly in my blog. I will not post pictures on my blog of friends and family as I do not post pictures of myself ensuring their anonymity and my own. I will use false names and nicknames to ensure that they are kept secret. I promise you that. I cherish anonymity in this forum.

As a conclusion to my final interaction with the gentleman, I was too quick to respond. I wrote him this e-mail after taking down the post about our chats and recieving his ranting e-mail at me:

i am so sorry. i am glad that you are feeling better. i published anonymously and published under something that i assumed would not be attributed back to you. how it could be i am not sure. i have removed the post. i feel horrible. please accept my sincerist apologies. i litterally feel sick that you are upset. I write a diary online. Everything is personal on there. I write about the drugs i take, my family, my sisters, my firends, ecetera. I never intended it to be hurtful.

I have deleted the post and did post it anonymously with no link to your handle. i hope you can appreciate that. i looked through it to make sure. I can't believe i fucked up this royally. i feel like an idiot. a royal friggin idiot. i never ever in a million years thought that i would hurt you. i actually don't think that anyone reads my blog. maybe this is a lesson that i should just write it and make it private.


irronically i miss you. i was thinking about you today. i miss our chats and i feel like an idiot. you are a kind person and how anyone could attribut the post to you i am not sure. if you feel like chatting, let me know. I would love to meet. Let me know if you get this. i was so ill and it has been such a difficult time this fall in winnipeg that you have truly been a great relief from it. Thank you.

i feel sick to my stomach about it and apologize. sorry that you have been so ill.

Steph

I was quick to apologize and own the error. I hate that I did that. It was not my mistake. I wrote what I felt. It was a lovely, wonderful, heartfelt post. I am sorry that you read it the wrong way and that you are out of my life. For that I am sorry. I am also sorry that you didn’t have enough balls to write me back after I apologized even to say you recieved it. The lesson that I have learnt from this whole sordid mess, is that:

a. I will never apologize for my writing on my blog. Please read at your own risk. If you read it, please comment and tell me what you do and don’t like about my writing, but I will not be removing posts. These are my thoughts.

b. I had really on some level liked this boy and grown to like our chats and I hate myself for it. Amazing that you can become so vested in an online relationship friendship so easily. Yuck.

c. I will be putting a disclaimer on my blog. As this used to be so anonymous, no one I knew ever read it. Now that I am having the privilege of meeting so many of my twitter friends, many of them are linking to my blog through here. It is the first time that my blog is being read by people I actually know. Eek!!!