Admitting what I really want in life

I had a lovely afternoon post Doctor's appointment (more on the dr's appt during another post) when I made my way to a local restaurant and had my usual lunch/dinner alone.  I really like it there, and have come to really like the owner.  He usually stops by and we have a chat for a while.  I took my family there not that long ago and my 2 1/2 yr old niece had blast enjoying her time and we were chatting about that today.

While chatting about our families and our niece's and nephew's, I commented that I really enjoyed being an aunt and how much he enjoyed being an uncle.  What I neglected to mention, is that I will not be happy only being an aunt.  I'm terrified of only being an aunt.  Don't get me wrong, I love being an aunt to my niece more than anything right now.  It is keeping me alive on some fronts, but, I will not be happy if I do not have children of my own.

What if being an aunt is the only way that I will have access to gorgeous, happy, children who are related to me?  At this point I am not ready to give up hope of having my own children.  I'm only in my mid 30's.  There is still time, and a family of my own is really the only thing that I know for sure that I want.

Why I couldn't come clean while we were chatting?   I'm not sure.  I think that it is too difficult to admit.  It is too scary.  It is too raw and open to admit what I really want in life.

Tarot Card Reading

Thanks to my friend @alexconde on Twitter, I had my Tarot cards read tonight in 280 characters (2 tweets!):


@stephintoronto The past was unjust, but you fight stronger for yourself today. The journey continues, but you will not be alone on it.
@stephintoronto Last card was interesting. The support will definitely be positive and with love. (yes I cheated, 280 characters)


Well, scarily true on some fronts and let's hope that "not be alone" is a family of my own one day.  Thanks Alex!