I had a lovely afternoon post Doctor's appointment (more on the dr's appt during another post) when I made my way to a local restaurant and had my usual lunch/dinner alone. I really like it there, and have come to really like the owner. He usually stops by and we have a chat for a while. I took my family there not that long ago and my 2 1/2 yr old niece had blast enjoying her time and we were chatting about that today.
While chatting about our families and our niece's and nephew's, I commented that I really enjoyed being an aunt and how much he enjoyed being an uncle. What I neglected to mention, is that I will not be happy only being an aunt. I'm terrified of only being an aunt. Don't get me wrong, I love being an aunt to my niece more than anything right now. It is keeping me alive on some fronts, but, I will not be happy if I do not have children of my own.
What if being an aunt is the only way that I will have access to gorgeous, happy, children who are related to me? At this point I am not ready to give up hope of having my own children. I'm only in my mid 30's. There is still time, and a family of my own is really the only thing that I know for sure that I want.
Why I couldn't come clean while we were chatting? I'm not sure. I think that it is too difficult to admit. It is too scary. It is too raw and open to admit what I really want in life.
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