Regretting recent decisions and apologies about my blog and blog enteries

Recently I was pressured to remove a blog post entitled “ “It’s not a date, until I call it a date” - expectations” that I had written about an online conversation that I had had with a gentleman by said gentleman. The post was not about the gentleman directly, his identity, his profession, did not link to his blog, his name, his twitter id, as a matter of fact nothing linked him to the post. What I did do in the post was cut and paste certain parts of the conversation that we were having and reflect on my feelings about him, the post, the relationship online.

I have never apologized for my writings. I have never removed a blog post. I have never ever said that I am sorry for what I feel until now – and I feel sick about doing it this time.

I would like to state that I have re-read the blog post a hundred times and have come to the conclusion that it is lovely and sweet. It is heartfelt and touching and raw emotion of someone aka me, that is nervous about the fact that they have vested a lot of themselves into someone that they are not sure about. I am sad that he found it offensive. I was overly sad that he has decided that because of what I wrote he does not want to see me, I am overly mad that because of what I wrote and because he needed an excuse he used what I wrote to get out of what we had.

The interaction has made me really think about what my blog is about:

My blog is a diary of sorts. It is an online accounting of how I feel about life; my migraines, my mental health, my style, my heart. There is a reason that I do not share this space with my family and friends, because it is an open door to my soul. It is some of my deepest, most raw thoughts. If you do not want to know what those thoughts are, please do not read it. I do not want to be criticized for my thoughts and feelings.

As a friend and “blogger” I will not expose my friends openly in my blog. I will not post pictures on my blog of friends and family as I do not post pictures of myself ensuring their anonymity and my own. I will use false names and nicknames to ensure that they are kept secret. I promise you that. I cherish anonymity in this forum.

As a conclusion to my final interaction with the gentleman, I was too quick to respond. I wrote him this e-mail after taking down the post about our chats and recieving his ranting e-mail at me:

i am so sorry. i am glad that you are feeling better. i published anonymously and published under something that i assumed would not be attributed back to you. how it could be i am not sure. i have removed the post. i feel horrible. please accept my sincerist apologies. i litterally feel sick that you are upset. I write a diary online. Everything is personal on there. I write about the drugs i take, my family, my sisters, my firends, ecetera. I never intended it to be hurtful.

I have deleted the post and did post it anonymously with no link to your handle. i hope you can appreciate that. i looked through it to make sure. I can't believe i fucked up this royally. i feel like an idiot. a royal friggin idiot. i never ever in a million years thought that i would hurt you. i actually don't think that anyone reads my blog. maybe this is a lesson that i should just write it and make it private.


irronically i miss you. i was thinking about you today. i miss our chats and i feel like an idiot. you are a kind person and how anyone could attribut the post to you i am not sure. if you feel like chatting, let me know. I would love to meet. Let me know if you get this. i was so ill and it has been such a difficult time this fall in winnipeg that you have truly been a great relief from it. Thank you.

i feel sick to my stomach about it and apologize. sorry that you have been so ill.

Steph

I was quick to apologize and own the error. I hate that I did that. It was not my mistake. I wrote what I felt. It was a lovely, wonderful, heartfelt post. I am sorry that you read it the wrong way and that you are out of my life. For that I am sorry. I am also sorry that you didn’t have enough balls to write me back after I apologized even to say you recieved it. The lesson that I have learnt from this whole sordid mess, is that:

a. I will never apologize for my writing on my blog. Please read at your own risk. If you read it, please comment and tell me what you do and don’t like about my writing, but I will not be removing posts. These are my thoughts.

b. I had really on some level liked this boy and grown to like our chats and I hate myself for it. Amazing that you can become so vested in an online relationship friendship so easily. Yuck.

c. I will be putting a disclaimer on my blog. As this used to be so anonymous, no one I knew ever read it. Now that I am having the privilege of meeting so many of my twitter friends, many of them are linking to my blog through here. It is the first time that my blog is being read by people I actually know. Eek!!!