I wonder sometimes about how much I can take on before I break? Before i find myself unable to function again? Before I become hypomanic again? Before I am so depressed that I cannot get out of bed for days? Where is the line and how much can I push it until it gives way.again?
I wonder if these are thoughts that other people who suffer from bipolar illness/chronic depression feel? I think that on some level I have lived with this fear since I was 16 years old, when I first recognized that walking around in a fog of sadness and hopelessness was not normal.
Trying to stay away from that place that is cold and dark and sad and lonely and evil and where no hope exists is exhausting. It's a battle everyday. That place is constantly there in the back of my thoughts, hanging out like a secret room waiting for me to visit. I take antidepressants/drugs, I go to therapy, I try and look after myself, I do Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, I go to support groups..... all of this is bolting the door to that cold, dark place closed.
Still, the darkness creeps out from under the door and it is a tempting mistress. I know what life is like in that room. I know that there is some comfort in the dark sadness. I can hide there as I have before, and not have to struggle against it's constant pull. Maybe I am more comfortable in sadness than in happiness?
Regardless, today I choose the battle to fight against the dark and sadness. I choose to give it 110% of my efforts to stay out of that room, away from that mistress, although it firmly has a hold on me these days. I will try with everything that I have to stay on this side of the line. I think its better here.
1 comment:
It is not easy, but it is worth staying out of that place. Thanks so much for sharing.
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