I know that I am late getting on the "What did 2009 mean to me? What I would like out of 2010?" train, but I have been ruminating about it. I feel that 2009 was such a bust of a year. In the grand scheme of things that I rate my life against, I was a list of tragic fails:
• I am still suffering from migraines and feel like this is no further ahead than it was a year ago.
• I am working in a job that I really do not love. I need a new career and am no sooner to figuring it out than I was a year ago, except that I know that the day will come in 2010 when I will have to find a new job.
• I did not have any successful physical relationships with men that were long term.
• I have not moved forward on any of the large goals that I have for myself
• I have been a lousy friend to many of my long standing friends.
• I am in a worse mental health place currently, than I have been ever before.
• I am not skinny
• I am not financially where I would like to be.
• I have not fostered better relationships with certain members of my family
So on the not so tragic things of 2009:
• I feel so blessed to have made so many fabulous new friends this year, primarily through twitter. What a blessing in my life this has been.
• I said yes to more things that I ever have before, friendships, boys, dates, jobs, opportunities, life....
• I have a job, no small feat in these hard economic times and given the industry that I am in.
• I am trying to deal with my mental health and speaking about it with friends and family more openly.
• I am proud that I am exploring and using social media, like twitter, my blog, facebook to enrich my life and to meet others who are friends and a support to me.
All in all I think that it was a pretty crappy year. One of the worst. I am 33 years old. I have no partner. I live in a rental apartment. I am lonely. I want someone to share things with. Everyday I am faced with experiences and opportunities that would be happier, better, more special if I was sharing them with someone.
I am watching my friends, sisters and enemies lives fill with children, happiness and families of their own and I am not making/having that happen for myself. Yes I have been so blessed with new friends this year. I would not give that up for anything except a family of my own. I am so upset with myself that I have found myself in this state. How, I ask myself, did I end up like this??? This is not where I was supposed to end up. I deserve to be happy, to share things with someone who loves me as I love him, to be able to buy him things, cook for him, share a bottle of wine.....
I deserve to be happy
LinkWithin
2 comments:
hey Steph my name is susan I follow your tweets. Thought I would drop by and read your blog I to suffer from severe depression and as I read your blog it is me to a tee. I take Celexa, have been for the last 4 years. I wish I would have started taking it earlier in my life but oh well. I just wanted you to know I know what you are going through and yeah its tough as hell ppl around you think your just a moody bitch and somedays I feel bad for the way I intereact with ppl. It's a fight everyday to put on a happy face and deal with the world. Sometimes it's too much energy. Unfortunately both my parents had severe depression as well, so I was cursed from the start you could say. Just know you are not alone. And it's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels like I'm loosing my mind and the more I talk to ppl the more I realize that mental illness, is not something that is kept in the closet. PPl talk about nowadays. Which makes it easier. I'm 43 and there are times that I wish I was a mother or had a partner but than I think who says that those ppl that have that are happy. Grass is not always greener on the other side. It's taken me awhile to accept that I will never have children and as far as a partner is concerned I'm not willing to settle for less than what I deserve ask me if I felt that way in my 30's Hell no! it's a process of course I want someone in my life, I get tired of doing this on my own but I've learned that even when you have someone your still doing it on your own. Stay strong Steph. thats all we can do.. Take Care
susan
My twitter name is Irish_beauty
Steph - if you don't take depression meds, don't start now.
It's impossible unhappy if you live in the present moment!
Post a Comment