It has not been easy to do anything lately. If you have read my little "diary" before you know that I have suffered from chronic depression for a long time, probably 18 years and I am in one of the worst spaces I have been in a long time. It is not easy to be in this place. You find that you are trying to be a normal human being for those around you, yet the feeling of wanting to just stay in my apartment behind my door in my bed is overwhelming. I find a lot of time is now being spent trying to justify my lack of activity and ability to do anything. The fact that I just cant do anything somedays should be ok, shouldn't it??? Apparently not for some people.
Over the last 4-6 months my mental health has changed. I have had episodes of mania. Times when for 3-4 days I am so hyper that I dont sleep, I can't seem to get enought work done, I am uber productive, I cant seem to get enough done, I dont sleep etc. I haven't' had a time like this in a while and think that I may be going crazy. My anxiety/panic attacks have also increased. I have general anxiety all the time but have had a series of panic attacks. I am just such a tragic mess. I have been so down lately, that it in not good. Luckily I have found some good friends online through twitter, but have cut myself off from all of my friends in person. I just can't deal with face to face with face to face interactions.
I have also become acutely aware of the fact that the drugs are not working well. I have been taking cipralex for depression (30 mg) which is right at the perscription range and have started taking clonazepam for anxiety. Waiting for a psychology consultation has been the hardest thing that I am doing. I can't seem to get anyone to see me in a reasonable amount of time. There just does not seem to be an answer to this. Here I am going crazy and the first available appointment is June. So here I sit, waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Lucky to have many friends that i know are out there, and are ok with me not calling them or being there right now.
1 comment:
Sounds like you may be showing signs of bi-polar. If so, you would be amazed how a mood stabilizer can change things for you. Once you get in for your appt, let your Dr know about the mania cycles.
Hang in there!
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