but it is the words that hurt me."
One thing that has been a part of going through this severe depression/mental illness has been the awareness of many of my relationships/friendships. It has not been easy on many fronts. I tend to recluse into myself when I am unhappy. I do not reach out. I do not call. I do not ask for help.
I have found that in this particular time, I have really pulled back. I can barely respond to e-mail, answer a phone call, reply to a text. I also have not been able to go out and socialize. The anxiety is overwhelming. I can barely stand being around people.
A number of things have truly amazed me about friends; the ones that have come out of the woodwork and been supportive, some new friends that have been wonderful, non-judgemental and supportive and shockingly the way that some of my friends have responded to my being ill.
Some of the most wonderful words that have been spoken to me are:
"please know I am here for you, no matter what you need"
"can I call, just to check in?"
"you are coming to dinner, weather you like it or not"
"I want to share my experience with mental health....."
"whatever insecurities you have, you are beautiful and should get over them"
"I love you, and just want you to be happy. Tell me how i can be a part of that for you."
What has been most devistating about this time in my life is the way that some ppl that i truly valued as friends and people in my life have been awful. I have had a number of friends not know how to reach out and say hello, or i am sure find my lack of communication rude, and for that i hope that they will be willing and able to be there when i am feeling up to being social again. What is incredibly difficult is that I have had some friends be blatenly mean and hurtful. I know that mental health is hard to understand and I don't expect people rally around me or even offer to help or be sympathetic, but i do not expect them to be mean. I recieved an e-mail from a friend that contained this in it:
"I am finding it very difficult to be supportive of you during your tough times"
This one quote has hurt me more than any other thing that has been said over the course of being sick. Is it for me to make it easy for you to be supportive of me??? I wonder if you would ask someone with cancer if they could be a little bit less sick, maybe be a little happier, make it a little easier for them to be liked??? So difficult.
1 comment:
I think the line that a "friend" had once used on me one time while going through a dark period was "why don't you get back to me when you become normal again"!
I say screw you! If you can't handle me at my worst then you certainly don't deserve me at my best...........
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