So, it has officially been 6 months since i have written on my blog, and the reasons are complicated and difficult, but it is time for me to face them and also write about them.
One of the major reasons that I have not written for a while is that I was alerted to the fact that my anonymity was broken. In the spring, my best friend from high school called and informed me that she had had an intervention for me performed on her. Apparently, some girls from my high school had been reading my twitter updates and my blog. It took me a while to come to terms with this new reality. I was angry and hurt that they had not come forward themselves and spoken to me or at least identified themselves. They have not done that yet and I doubt that they will. I find that sad, and I am disappointed in myself for taking it so personally. I was worried that things that I was so easily prepared to talk about behind the veil of "Stephintornto" were now in the true voice of me.
I also was confronted by #spoiledsis, who I have now started calling #torontosis, that she has read every word of my blog and my twitter account and I had hurt her immensely. She has been such a wonderful support over the last 6 months, and for that I felt horrible that I had not written about her recent kindness. I also was taken aback that she had done this. This is such a personal space for me. I never wrote a diary as a child, I never had the little sister reading my thoughts. It was never an issue. Now it has become one. I have subsequently disconnected my blog from my twitter account, much to my dismay after my sister said "what if mom and dad read it? Would you want them to?" Oy vey, the drama. I will write about this in a later post. It was a fascinating experience for me.
The main reason I have not written in the last 6 months is that I haven't been capable of doing so. I have been sick. Not the kind of I have the stomach flu sick, but mentally ill. The kind of sick that you can't see unless you look really closely and you notice that I am not myself. That my eyes are dull. That I am not moving quickly. That I do not have make up on. That I am not taking part in the conversation. That I am not coming out to the party again. That I have not gotten out of my pj's again. That I have not called you in a year. That I have not smiled in days. That I have not written on my Facebook wall in a year. That I am living in an episode of Hoarders. That I am not myself
That I am fighting for my life everyday, you just can't see it easily. This is mental illness. This is my battle.
1 comment:
thanks for this post Steph. Certainly i can understand your frustrations of some people discovering your online diary, but i think to the rest of us, your sharing = our healing. you rage against your mental illness - you refuse to back down to it and let it take over - you acknowledge it and, god knows, intend on fighting it... but you also recognize it is a part of you - and like all of us - realize at some point - it exists for a reason. you are braver than I, to be open about it, you refuse to let the stigma - be a stigma... myself and others like me, watch your journey and learn from it, heal from it and support you in it. We go in life, where we go - but never make the mistake that you go alone. thank you for taking the time to write about this.
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