The last year has been brutal for both mental health wise and physically. I felt like I am spending everyday at doctors or feeling like I am going crazy, not to mention experimenting with meds and the turmoil that that causes. It has been hell.
What has suffered immensely through this time are the personal relationships that I have and most poignantly the ones where I have held the majority of the relationship. I have felt like doing nothing. I do not call people, e-mail people, engage with anyone anymore. The true friends of mine have come to the surface and amazed me. They are not mad that I do not call or interact very much, and they continually seek out opportunities to interact with me, even though I have been a horrible friend. Some of these friends are new and have just come into my life, but accept my shortcomings and my mental illness, and still like me for who i am.
Where I am the most disappointed in human nature is how incapable even the closest friends are to ask me "How are you?" I wonder if it is because they are sick of hearing the response of "Not great". I chalk up some of my friends as finding the stigma of Mental Illness too much for them to handle. Some of them do not know that I have been ill and must think that I just have refused to call and interact because of something they did. Oh how i dread to think how many of these people just think I am a total bitch. Others have moved on to having a gaggle of children that occupy their time. Maybe I have just been sick for too long, people tend to forget, don't they??? The excuses that I have come up with in my head are endless for them not having the ability to type or say three words "How are you?"
Maybe I am out of the ordinary when i think that I have a list of people who are going through a tough time and I make sure to write or tweet once every week or two to check in on how their mother who lost her job is?, brother who is depressed is?, father who has cancer is doing?, or how they are feeling? It boggles my mind that on this list, rarely has one of them asked me the infamous "How are you?".
I am going to continue asking them how they are doing. I will bite my tongue and curl up my fingers to not say/type a snarky response like "just in case you were wondering, I am fine/not well/sad/crazy". I will not bring up how much I crave for one of them to ask me how i am just as I have made the time for them.
Maybe I expect too much from humanity. I expect friends to care how I am doing, just as I care about them. Maybe I have a huge ego to think that friends should care enough to ask. Those 3 little words encompass the world of thoughtfulness, caring and friendship. It isn't that I expect a check in every week, but sometimes it would be nice to hear.
By the by, "Today I am having a rough day, but you asking how I am doing has improved my day already."
1 comment:
Thanks for this post Steph. I don't ask enough how you, and others, are, but I hope my loved ones know that I do care (of course, am going though my own thing). But I do think about you and I hope you're okay. xoxox
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