Self-Sabotage - Keeping the friends and relationships away

I think that those of us with mental illness tend to do things to self sabotage ourselves more than others, or maybe it is just me.  Every group meeting that I go to and most of the individuals that i know who are dealing with mental illness all have stories about how we self sabotage different areas of our life.  For many it surrounds family relationships, friendships and self care.

Currently, the most outwardly visible area of self sabotage that exists in my life is with friends and family.  I have successfully built a physical wall around my life by making my apartment unvisitable.  I haven't had one visitor into my apartment (other than myself of course) since December 23, 2009.  I have done this by keeping my apartment a disaster zone.  Part of this has been that bipolar disorder has made it hard for me to care about anything, and to focus on any to-do's that have to get done.  This has made cleaning my apartment something that has not been happening.  It has also created the perfect opportunity for me never to have anyone over because my apartment is a mess. It is a clear and physical example of self sabotage if there ever was one.

My messy apartment also falls under the category of sabotaging any sort of relationship I could possibly have.  But it goes deeper than that also.  I don't work on my self-esteem.  I don't go online to date.  I don't tell people that I'm looking to meet someone.  I don't work on the fact that I don't think anyone will ever love me.   I don't lose weight.  I don't put myself out there.  When this is the one thing in the world that I want more than anything in the world.......How can I not do anything to make it possible for me to meet someone to be happy with?  Is my own self hatred so deep that I can self-sabotage my biggest hopes and dreams?