Well, another Monday morning and another day of rain and grossness outside. I have let my mind wander this morning on my commute to a client which takes an hour and a half and now i am in a right old bitchy mood. I can't control it. I am sick of not having anyone to do anything with. Not having anyone to just say once "Let's go to brunch today at -------. And no you do not have to eat alone, and no you do not have to initiate the outing and no you do not have to plan a thing. Let's just do something as two people who love (or even just like) each other."
I am sick of having to plan everything and plan everything on my own. I would love for someone to take me to dinner, to book the reservation, to have someone to talk to on a regular basis.
I realized on Sunday that I didn't physically speak until well past 2pm in the afternoon and that was only when I went to the Starbuck's down the road and ordered my Venti, non-fat, no-foam, extra hot latte. The boy behind the counter had to talk to me. Had to ask me for $4.68. Had to say thank you when I handed him it all in change. But does this count as human interaction??
I also realized this weekend that it has been a long time since anyone touched me. Not "Touched" me (get your mind out of the gutter), but just physically put a hand on my arm, or grabbed my hand, or even touched me. I now dream of, not passionately hot love making ( I hate that expression, but far less crude than "Sex"), but of waking up next to someone and grabbing his hand on the covers, just to know that he is there. Is this why I have been randomly bumping into people lately? Is that how I am trying to fill this void? How long can one survive without meaningful human touch?
Am I also at the point of resigning myself to a world of singleness? Am I always going to be planning my own Birthday dinners? (every year I hate it. I just want someone to say "I have it all planned out"). Am I never going to feel another humans hand in mine, who I like, who is a man and who I am not related to???
This is not good, not good at all. I am in a terrible state today. Sorry.
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