An update on moi, an apology for a 6 month hiatus and mental illness

So, it has officially been 6 months since i have written on my blog, and the reasons are complicated and difficult, but it is time for me to face them and also write about them. 

One of the major reasons that I have not written for a while is that I was alerted to the fact that my anonymity was broken.  In the spring, my best friend from high school called and informed me that she had had an intervention for me performed on her.  Apparently, some girls from my high school had been reading my twitter updates and my blog.  It took me a while to come to terms with this new reality.  I was angry and hurt that they had not come forward themselves and spoken to me or at least identified themselves.  They have not done that yet and I doubt that they will.  I find that sad, and I am disappointed in myself for taking it so personally.  I was worried that things that I was so easily prepared to talk about behind the veil of "Stephintornto" were now in the true voice of me.

I also was confronted by #spoiledsis, who I have now started calling #torontosis, that she has read every word of my blog and my twitter account and I had hurt her immensely.  She has been such a wonderful support over the last 6 months, and for that I felt horrible that I had not written about her recent kindness.  I also was taken aback that she had done this.  This is such a personal space for me.  I never wrote a diary as a child, I never had the little sister reading my thoughts.  It was never an issue.  Now it has become one.  I have subsequently disconnected my blog from my twitter account, much to my dismay after my sister said "what if mom and dad read it? Would you want them to?" Oy vey, the drama.  I will write about this in a later post.  It was a fascinating experience for me.

The main reason I have not written in the last 6 months is that I haven't been capable of doing so.  I have been sick.  Not the kind of I have the stomach flu sick, but mentally ill.  The kind of sick that you can't see unless you look really closely and you notice that I am not myself.  That my eyes are dull. That I am not moving quickly. That I do not have make up on.  That I am not taking part in the conversation.  That I am not coming out to the party again.  That I have not gotten out of my pj's again. That I have not called you in a year. That I have not smiled in days.  That I have not written on my Facebook wall in a year.  That I am living in an episode of Hoarders.  That I am not myself

That I am fighting for my life everyday, you just can't see it easily.  This is mental illness.  This is my battle.

2010 so far

We are officially 3 weeks into the new decade and I find myself jobless, single, depressed and frozen.  10 days ago I lost my job.  I know that I have written earlier that I was not happy about my job and that I wished to find a new focus, career, employment, but I never thought that it would come in this form, this quickly.  I thought that I would have until the end of the spring, but somehow things turned out differently for me.

I had worked for the same firm for the last 9 years and have understood clearly that I am very strongly defined by my job.  More defined than I want to be.  It is difficult when you do not have a partner/spouse or children to find yourself not defined by your job.  When others are talking about their happiness at home, I have had my job to define me.  Now that is not there anymore I feel lost.

I am very sad today. I am not sure how this will play out.  Right now I take every day as it comes.  This will be an opportunity to work on my mental health, to work on my physical health and to figure out what I want to do with my life.