What I had forgotten about depression

I have been battling the strong force of depression over the last month or so.  It is related to a whole bunch of issues, losing my job, weight gain from meds, loneliness, my hoarding problem, unhappiness, desire to be doing other things in my life, not achieving things that I want and much more.

It has been a while since I have battled the ugly pit that is depression.  I think that some of my meds have been working well.  I'm actually taking them everyday.  I'm working out nearly everyday.  I was working at a job that was challenging and keeping me busy. I was attending CBT regularly.Everything was sort of together. If anything I was on the high side of bipolar.

Over the last month not so much.

I had forgotten how exhausting fighting depression is.  Every limb feels like it has a concrete block attached to it.  I can barely keep my eyes open for 12 hours straight.  Lack of sleep, yet no desire to sleep.  A desire to be alone and on my own.  No desire to write, speak or express myself.  I've also noticed that I have been thinking about suicide in weird ways.  Not in the way of wanting to commit suicide, but just thinking about death.  It is odd.

I don't know where i picked up this quote, but it sums up how i feel perfectly:
I'm tired of trying, sick of crying, I know I've been smiling, but inside I'm dying.

For now, I will continue to fight as hard as I can against depression and see how things go.  Even finding some creative juices to pull out a couple of paragraphs today was difficult.  

The Second Day of Character

I am still struggling with the theme of "character" for the month, and so I spent some time today online looking for deifnitions of "character".  I found the best one was on Dictionary.com.  27 different ways to think of Character.

char·ac·ter

[kar-ik-ter]

–noun

1.

the aggregate of features and traits that form the individualnature of some person or thing.

2.

one such feature or trait; characteristic.

3.

moral or ethical quality: a man of fine, honorable character.

4.

qualities of honesty, courage, or the like; integrity: It takescharacter to face up to a bully.

5.

reputation: a stain on one's character.

6.

good repute.

7.

an account of the qualities or peculiarities of a person orthing.

8.

a person, esp. with reference to behavior or personality: asuspicious character.

9.

Informal . an odd, eccentric, or unusual person.

10.

a person represented in a drama, story, etc.

11.

a part or role, as in a play or film.

12.

a symbol as used in a writing system, as a letter of thealphabet.

13.

the symbols of a writing system collectively.

14.

a significant visual mark or symbol.

15.

status or capacity: the character of a justice of the peace.

16.

a written statement from an employer concerning thequalities of a former employee.

17.

Literature . (esp. in 17th- and 18th-century England) aformal character sketch or descriptive analysis of a particularhuman virtue or vice as represented in a person or type.Compare character sketch.

18.

Genetics . any trait, function, structure, or substance of anorganism resulting from the effect of one or more genes asmodified by the environment.

19.

Computers .

a.

any symbol, as a number, letter, punctuation mark, etc.,that represents data and that, when encoded, is usableby a machine.

b.

one of a set of basic symbols that singly or in a series oftwo or more represents data and, when encoded, isusable in a computer.

20.

a style of writing or printing.

21.

Roman Catholic Theology . the ineffaceable imprint receivedon the soul through the sacraments of baptism, confirmation,and ordination.

22.

(formerly) a cipher or cipher message.

–adjective

23.

Theater .

a.

(of a part or role) representing a personality type, esp.by emphasizing distinctive traits, as language,mannerisms, physical makeup, etc.

b.

(of an actor or actress) acting or specializing in suchroles.

–verb (used with object) Archaic .

24.

to portray; describe.

25.

to engrave; inscribe.

—Idioms

26.

in character,

a.

in harmony with one's personal character or disposition:Such behavior is not in character for him.

b.

in accordance with the role or personality assumed in aperformance: an actor in character.

27.

out of character,

a.

out of harmony with one's personal character ordisposition: Her remarks were out of character.

b.

away from the role or personality assumed in aperformance: The actor stepped out of character.