Exposing my broken brain on the radio

This evening I am exposing myself and my broken brain once again, but this time on the radio.  I have been asked to be interviewed by the HealthyPlace Radio Show.  At first I was very hesitant to open up myself up to a radio interview and discuss my mental health; it is very raw, there is no do-overs, what I say is what you get, I had no idea what the topic would be, I was nervous about hearing my own voice talking about the hardships of mental illness...

My twitter friend, Amy, asked me to do the interview a month ago.  It took me that long to say yes.  I really had to think about it.  When I agreed to it, we talked about potential topics, everything from stress and its impact on bipolar, social life and the affect of mental illness on it, drugs and their side effects, working and bipolar..... Amy decided that i will be discussing how social relationships are affected by living with Bipolar 2 and social anxiety.

I have been thinking a lot about the topic and realize that what is most prevalent is that not only are my relationships affected by my mental illness, but they have pretty much disappeared because of my mental illness.  I am trying to think of why? what did I do to make that happen? how i am adapting to the new reality?  I expect to talk about all of that this evening.

Anyway I can be listened to here at 7pm Central 8pm Eastern if you care to join me.  I'm nervous, so wish me luck.

Mental Health Month Blog Party

So today is Blogging for Mental Health day and here I am, blogging and thinking about mental health, not only mine but mental health in general.  I have been thinking lately that if I believed in destiny or fate than I would think that I was going through the struggle of Bipolar Disorder and Chronic Depression for some greater good.  But I do not believe in either of those things.

I do think that part of my management of my own Mental Illness (I don't believe in recovery, if you've read my blog you'll know that I am all about the management of my Mental Health) is to talk about it with others.  I have found outlets through twitter, my blog, I have a bunch of people that I "mentor" or help on with their own mental health struggles,support groups, by doing this I have been able others, but also my self.  I've all of a sudden become an advocate for the mentally ill.  I am slowly but surely helping to end stigma with those around me, my friends, colleagues and online community.  I have, without my own permission, become a role model for others.  I work hard and I try and manage my own illness with dignity, some anger, the right drugs, frustration, exercise, sleep and always some tears.

Today I join others in this fight of mental illness.  Each of us, in our own way, talking, writing, somehow finding strength through our illnesses to find a voice.  These voices loud, quiet, painful, mad, annoyed, content, frustrated..... all joining together to speak for those that don't have a voice or haven't found the strength to speak yet, but more importantly to end the stigma of mental health, provide strength for others, to tell others about our experiences so that hopefully they will know they are not alone.

I am so proud to be one of the ones that is fighting this fight.  I vow to continue to find the strength, somewhere/somehow, to speak for those that cannot speak for themselves about mental illness/health, if not for them, then for myself.

A challenging month - the cipralex adventure continues

It has not been easy to do anything lately. If you have read my little "diary" before you know that I have suffered from chronic depression for a long time, probably 18 years and I am in one of the worst spaces I have been in a long time.  It is not easy to be in this place.  You find that you are trying to be a normal human being for those around you, yet the feeling of wanting to just stay in my apartment behind my door in my bed is overwhelming.  I find a lot of time is now being spent trying to justify my lack of activity and ability to do anything.  The fact that I just cant do anything somedays should be ok, shouldn't it???  Apparently not for some people.

Over the last 4-6 months my mental health has changed.  I have had episodes of mania.  Times when for 3-4 days I am so hyper that I dont sleep, I can't seem to get enought work done, I am uber productive, I cant seem to get enough done, I dont sleep etc.  I haven't' had a time like this in a while and think that I may be going crazy.  My anxiety/panic attacks have also increased.  I have general anxiety all the time but have had a series of panic attacks.  I am just such a tragic mess.  I have been so down lately, that it in not good.  Luckily I have found some good friends online through twitter, but have cut myself off from all of my friends in person.  I just can't deal with face to face with face to face interactions.

I have also become acutely aware of the fact that the drugs are not working well.  I have been taking cipralex for depression (30 mg) which is right at the perscription range and have started taking clonazepam for anxiety.  Waiting for a psychology consultation has been the hardest thing that I am doing.  I can't seem to get anyone to see me in a reasonable amount of time.  There just does not seem to be an answer to this.  Here I am going crazy and the first available appointment is June.  So here I sit, waiting.  Waiting. Waiting.   Lucky to have many friends that i know are out there, and are ok with me not calling them or being there right now.

Friends that I didn't know I had and a new Fibro/Migraine/Health Blog to read

I read a number of blogs and find support and love online from a variety of friends. My twitterati, as I call my online twitter friends, have been invaluable to my time in Winnipeg and this move. They remind me that although I am here I am not alone. It is wonderful. I am very blessed.

What always is a blessing is to find a friend that mentions my blog on their blog. I actually don't think that anyone really read's this little diary of mine, but I was reading some Migraine blogs today to see the links between migraine and gluten and came across Taming the Wolf.  I feel honored to be included in her list of Fibro/Lupus/Migaine/Health Blogs with list of fabulous people. 

Taming the Wolf does not blog often, but her posts are honest, touching and lovely.  They make you feel like you are not alone in your struggle of dealing with an "invisible illness".  I feel truely honored to be included in her list.  Thank you.

The lonely view from here

I think that today, I have come to realize that I am truly alone.  It is amazing that I feel this way, but I have the stomach flu today and I am stuck in a hotel in Winnipeg and all I wanted today is a hot water bottle and a can of gingerale and no one to get it.  I often feel that if I were to die in my apartment, or in my hotel room, or anywhere really, no one would know until the smell of dead body wafted into the hallway.  I have no pets to eat me and I don't think that anyone would notice.  This is not a pity party it is just the reality of being alone.  If you live alone and don't have a partner, who is going to check on you?

Right now i'm dieing of stomach cramps, a fever, lonliness and the chills.  What I wouldn't give for a hot water bottle or a warm body to crawl into bed with me....

Mental Health, Migraines and the Workplace

i have had a bitch of a morning. a total bitch of a morning. i was called into my firms office to discuss my new assignment that starts on Monday half way across the country. i was not expecting to have a deep discussion about a bad review that i had received from a past client, but so it was to be.


i had received a "scathing" review from a client that i worked with for a whole year. the vp that i worked with was very disappointed in the work that i did with them, not in the strategy, not in my ability, not in my "smarts", not in what i brought to the table, but apparently in my reliability and the fact that i was ill a lot.

these are two very different issues in my life, and i feel like i need to deal with them both separately and independently. i also feel that the only way that i can thoroughly think about this is to write about it here. I also revealed today to both of my sr. vp's that i was taking drugs daily not only for my migraines, but also for my chronic anxiety and depression. i think that it was surprising to them and also made them realize that these issues are sometimes bigger than the person as a whole (me) and not as clear as they seem.

when we spoke about the reliability issue, i was very honest with them and spoke to them about the fact that this was the first that i had heard about this. also it was the first that they had heard about it. they agreed whole heartedly. I also talked to them about some of the struggles that i have with perfectionism and the need for my documents and client work to be perfect before i present it and how this is such a difficult thing for me that i am working through. this, i admitted does cause things to be late some times. we chatted about my current state of being frozen with stress and anxiety. i was of course in tears by now, because it was too much. i have not slept in ages and i am so stressed out about everything. it was not good.

what was wonderful is that both of the Sr VP's, a man and a woman, were totally supportive and understanding. the man was particularly compassionate and empathetic saying that he often was "paralyzed" with stress and hours would go by with out him being able to function. it was nice to have them understand and not only empathize but be supportive and offer to help. they also were wonderful in offering to be on the other end of the phone if i ever need them just to chat. i feel very lucky.

this is when i told them about the drugs. i told them that i take them for chronic anxiety and depression. they were shocked. i explained that it was a learning process, but i am in that process and trying to figure it out. i also explained that instead of being on a total manic roller coaster, i am trying to be on a lovely wavy pool of life. neither of them had noticed that i was "crazy manic". i told them it was because i was always "on" with them. they seemed to understand and it brought us onto a better level. I am glad i shared this information with them.

I was struck by the comment on illness. i think the struggle with migraines for me is that there is no hiding them. i look ill when I have a migraine. I am greeny-grey and lethargic. apparently you can tell in the middle of a conversation that i am getting one from my eyes. i cannot hide them.

the irony of how i view my chronic migraines is that i do not see that i am ill. i do not consider myself ill. i actually consider myself a very healthy person. i have my first cold now in 18 months. i do not really get sick. i do however have a chronic pain illness. i have chronic migraines. i can do nothing about it. i take drugs for it. lots of drugs for it, with lots of side effects, but i am doing what i can. this is not easy.

what is also not easy, is that i have also, always been very open about my migraines and mental health. i think that it is an important part of the process. it is important for me and it is important for other sufferers. it is one of the main reasons that i am so open about mental health and migraines and mental health on this blog. it helps me and it helps others.

From this comment, i have to rethink how i talk about myself. do i know take the view that: i will not tell my clients that i have a migraine, i will not comment when i have a headache, i will not say yes i do have a headache when asked. sorry i cannot remember a name, it's the topomax. this is all a mind shift for me, but i think that it is the answer.

so today started with a conversation that i never thought that i would have on any front. i hope that it has calmed some nerves on my end and theirs. here's to a new client and new opportunities. i also now must figure out what to do about this lovely client that i worked with and what to do about him. i really liked him and thought that he liked me. should i call him, e-mail him, or leave it. i'm at a loss. need to fix it. the world's too small for him to be defaming my integrity all over the place.....

The Performance Review Conundrum

I am having my performance review tomorrow. It has been a tough year for me this year. I have struggled. I am well liked by my firm, but in the last 6-8 months, as anyone who reads my blog knows, I have been struggling with rather severe depression. Prior to that it was moderate depression. I am not proud of my mental state of affairs, but I am also not one to hide it. I have been quite open with friends about the fact that I have a quite fragile mental state and that I am currently taking something everyday to make sure that I can wake up and function everyday.

Anyway, package my slightly fragile mental health with my migraine issues and it has been a bit of a mess, not to mention the major side effect of the drugs that I am taking being the lethargy, lack of concentration and inability to function some days and I have not been functioning at 100%. In the last 2 weeks, as Murphy's Law would predict, I have had a few missteps that have been taken note of. I have missed a couple of deadlines, I have submitted a substandard report, shit that is so not like me, but has happened. As I say, just so not like me. I am usually the one going above and beyond the call of my client.

So what to do. Do I come out with what has been going on in the last little while with me??? Do I admit to my Sr. VP and VP what is going on with my mental health? I am inclined to do that. I think that my best approach is to be honest with them. This downward spiral really cracked downward at Christmas but was in play for 6 months before that. I am just trying to manage functioning at this point and I think I need to share that I am doing my best and working with a Therapist to best manage the things in my life so that I can be a contributing member of society.

I have my performance review tomorrow, so I don't have a lot of time for thoughts, but any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Dr. M update

She was GREAT! I just got back and she (Dr. M) was really nice. She totally understands. She thinks that things will get better when my sister moves across the pond. I totally agree. I also am going to go on 20 mg Cipralex. I think that that will be a good move. Get things a bit more even keeled shall we say......

Cipralax - 20mg????

I am going to move my prescription today from 15mg to 20 mg today if I can. I think that I need to. I need just a bit more help I think. I just called the Dr's office and they can see me in 45 minutes. I am going to ask her. I am not happy that my original Dr., Dr. M, is back from maternity leave. I used to really like her, and I still do. She is young and hip and fun, but she is not keen on prescribing the meds. I don't think that she would have prescribed these to me if she had seen me a 8 weeks ago. I also saw this awesome Dr., Dr. C., while Dr. M. was on maternity leave. Dr. C and I clicked. We really got along well. I really liked her. She was sympathetic and nice and was open to chatting about anything. Dr. M. not so much. Anyway we shall see what happens today. I shall let you know.

wish me luck.

Topamax = lethargy

The biggest side effect of the Topamax to date is the lethargy. Lethargy unlike no other that I have ever felt. I really find it hard to do anything. It is unbelievable. On the weekends, it can be mid day and I can find it hard to leave my apartment. I don't feel bed about it, I just don't feel anything. I just feel kind of blahhhh about it. I wonder if the cipralex influences the blahh feeling. When I looked up lethargy on dictionary.com this is what comes up:

leth·ar·gy

Audio Help /ˈlɛθərdʒi/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[leth-er-jee] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun, plural -gies.
1.
the quality or state of being drowsy and dull, listless and unenergetic, or indifferent and lazy; apathetic or sluggish inactivity.
2.
Pathology. an abnormal state or disorder characterized by overpowering drowsiness or sleep.

I would have to agree with this definition. "A state of being drowsy and dull, listless and unenergetic, or indifferent and lazy, apathetic or sluggish inactivity" is my new state of being. Is this my new forever state, on my just for now state??? I just upped my does to 100mg of Topamax a day yesterday so hopefully this will even out and my body will start to manage it better......we shall see. My new mantra I guess....we shall see.....

Strip Generator

I thought that I would try and play with Strip Generator today. I don't think that I have enough of a sense of humor to do it, but I might give it a go a few times and see where it leads. This was todays thoughts.....Do you think that I might have a migraine????

The Cipralex and Topamax Adventure Continues

I thought that this evening would be a good night to perhaps update on the Cipralex and Topamax adventure. As I started the two drugs together I thought that I would speak to some of the side effects that I was experiencing together in one space, as I am not sure what is related to what drug. As of this week I am taking 15 mg of Cipralex a day and 75 mg of Topamax a day. I take it all at once in the evenings.

So, on to some of the side effects that have over taken my life these days:

• Sleep - I am tired all the time. It is the oddest thing. I can have a serious nap, not a cat nap, but a serious 2 hour nap, any time of day. All I have to do is put on my eye mask and lie down and I am out. It is the kind of sleep that you have in the middle of the night. Its crazy.
• Concentration - My concentration is off, by a lot. This is quite difficult to deal with. I have been learning to deal with it. Things like changing my work location, working deadlines etc. So far so good.
• Periods - My period has really increased in intensity. I went off the pill about a year ago with these migraines as I thought there might be some correlation to them and thought that this might be my imagination, until I read that one of the side effects of the Topomax could be this. Makes perfect sense.
• Appetite and thirst - It is the oddest thing, but I am not thirsty. I used to drink 6-7 litres of water a day and now I am finding it hard to remember to drink any. I find it really interesting. I also find that my appetite, is terribly weird in that I am hungry, but I never really know what I want to eat and I never really want to eat a lot. No complaints here. My stomach also never seems to be very happy.
• Nauseous - I feel in general in the mornings like I am very nauseous. I have always felt slightly off in the morning, but this is worse. Eating a banana or a Luna bar and lots of water has been helping to quell it.
• Tingling - I have had some random tingling, very rarely, in my fingers and toes. Probably once a week for a few minutes do I notice that they feel a bit tingly.
• Headaches/Migraines - A couple of the migraines that I have had in the last month have been particularly violent and intense. Very painful and a new type of painful. I wonder if it is a new type of super migraine as I am not getting all of the other daily ones that I used to get all the time. Not sure. I'm seeing the neurologist in 6 weeks so we will see what he has to say.

Not so bad for feeling better, I would say. I have to up my Topamax again once again to 100 mg, and then hopefully it will start to even out a bit much.....

It's like I cursed it....

not 4 hours after I wrote my last post about my happiness with Topamax, I was out with a migraine from hell. What the hell???? I was truly out like a light. This was not even funny. It was like I bloody well predicted it. Anyway it was particularly bad. The kind of garbage can by the bed, ice pack on the eyes, neck and forehead kind of headache. How pathetic. The joys. I am glad its over......

Topamax Update

It shockingly may be working. I have updated my dosage to 75 mg a day this week and I think that it is helping. We had a classic brutal migraine day yesterday for me - wet, humid as heck, rainy, barometic pressure going crazy, grey skies, I hadn't eaten in hours and I was not in bed. Did I feel off? yes, was I dieing? no!!!! I was not in bed, crying with an icepack on my head praying for death!!!! Could it be the Topamax??? Time will tell, but I think that this is a good first sign!!!!

The Ankle

Meet my new little friend: Yes, I will be wearing this beauty for a month at least. That puts me a few days before the departure to the lovely trip to the wedding down south. It puts me a long way away from my fab shoes and fun. I broke my ankle. Who knew??? Not me. It has been sore for a while and I have been sort of cautious about it for a while. I have also been telling the stupid dr's that something is not right. I had my bone scan a couple of weeks ago and there you go, broken. The doctor and I are not even sure when I did it, which is the funniest part. I think that it was in November. We will see how the healing goes. For now I am thinking about ways that I can make this things more attractive. I am thinking some sort of cover in pink sequins??? Any ideas? It is limiting my dress options for the wedding. If I have to wear the beast the length of the gown is changing as we speak......

The Cipralex Adventure Continues

ca continue....... I've upped the cipralex and still not feeling as good as I would like to. I want to feel better. I need to feel better. I have to feel better. I must get fixed. I am at 15 mg, but may up to 20mg in a month. I am going to give this a go at this level and then see what happens. I have to give it more of a chance really. We shall see. I'm hoping that the Cipralex Adventure has a good, fairytale, happy ending. Baby step stowards that, baby steps......

No mal a tete

So I am really happy to report that my head did not pop off last night!!! YEAH!!!! Just had to let you know. So so so happy. Especially after I spoke to my father last night only to hear about a dear family friend who had a really bad headache 10 days ago, had a seizure, has a brain tumour and has been in the hospital since then. Just what this worrierer needed to hear, I tell ya. Anyway had a pain free night, however was up from 2 until 3 am. Not sure why, just was. I'll take it. Not head ache, just awake!!!

The Head - an update

Yesterday, I was overjoyed. It was rainy and drizzly and perfect migraine weather all afternoon and I did not have a headache! Not a one. Not even a little tinge of one to come. I was over the moon. I nearly pulled out the laptop at 10:30 pm to post that I was so happy! It was crazy. So I crawled into bed, as I still have this cold from hell I was exhausted. I was soon asleep.....dead asleep.

No sooner did I start to dream about having a severe headache. Not the normal kind, but a stabbing can't cure, never have felt that kind of pain before, kind of pain, headache. The kind that makes you not able to tell anyone where it hurts or what kind of hurt because it is so overwhelming. Then I woke up,......... and there it was. The headache from HELL. I was in a vice. This was such intense pain. Not like a migraine. Not nauseous, more pain like my brain was being twisted. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to take my Axert or Imitrex as I had never had a headache like this. Was Excedrin Migraine, Alleve Liquid Gels or Advil Liquid Gels the answer???? (It should scare me that I have this many options, no?) I went with the overwhelming 3 Alleve Liquid Gels and crawled into bed with two ice packs, not able to even lie still or move or on my back or side or anything to make it better. It was hell. I tried to lay perfectly still for as long as possible and then I seemed to drift into unconsciousness.

What made me anxious, are two things:

1. Is this some sort of side effect of the Cipralex or Topamax????
2. As I was contemplating the need to go to the Emergency Room if I was not either asleep or better in a half hour, was, who was going to take me there??? One of the joys of being single is, who is there to do these things for you? Would I take a cab? Could I drive? would my mother come and get me? What about my gay boyfriend? what was he up to at 4:30 am??? I also thought then that I probably had a brain tumour and my apartment was such a mess and then my mother would have to come and get my pj's and see that I live in a sty and I haven't filed my taxes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHH another joy of being single.

So this was last night. I am so tired. I really am exhausted and quite nervous about this awful headache and the potential that it is coming back tonight. Yuck. Wish me luck

The Cipralex Adventure

I think that the cipralex might actually be working a bit. i feel a bit "lighter" about life, a bit more even keeled, a bit more normal. Not close to normal but a bit more normal. I am currently taking 10 mg, and think that under the advise of my doctor, I am going to up it too 15mg and see. I will then maybe up it too 20 mg if I need to. Two side effects that I have had so far are: nausea in the mornings and also some sleep issues - tired at weird times and a bit of trouble falling asleep. i changed from taking it in the morning to taking it at night in hopes that the sleep stuff tries to figure itself out. The nausea is apparently going to go away too. I haven't had any in a while and want to give it a few more days before I try uping the amount.

It's interesting taking the Topamax at the same time, because I am not sure about the side effects and what is causing what. Right now I am blaming the concentration stuff on the Topamax and some of the sleep stuff. I think that all of of it will even out soon enough. I am currently on 25 mg of the Topamax for another week then I up it to 50 mg for two weeks, then 75 mg for two weeks, then 100 mg for ever. Hopefully it will all work out.

Headaches and sinuses - the evil nemississs

so here I am, a year after my four month crazy illness that ranged from colds to eye, ear, nose and throat infections, to strept to phemonia to broncitis.... and on and on.....and I have my first sinus cold in a year. Yuck.

I hate this feeling. It's not quite a migraine, quite different actually. A dull achy pain that has an accompaning fever and I look like shit. my nose is running, my eyes are read, and my voice is raw. I am a vision of beauty. With all the topamax and ciprolex I am taking, I am avoiding the Cold FX and my standard Advil Cold and Sinus Nighttime Relief......

This too shall pass and quite frankly it could have been a lot worse....