Thanking my friends

When I was at a wedding last weekend, 4 of my friends were lifesavers in making me feel comfortable and making sure that I was ok.  I realized today, after struggling with how I would thank them for this, that just writting how I felt, might be the best course of action.  I sent them this e-mail, and I am copying it here so that I never forget how important it is to take a second and just say "thank you":


Dear -,-,- and -.

I don't know how else to say thank you, than just to say "thank you" like this. I am not sure than any of you are aware how wonderful you are to me and how much I appreciate it. Events, like the wedding this past weekend, are incredibly hard for me right now. Yes, part of it is because I am alone, but mostly it is because I am sick. They take a huge amount of effort for me to just go, but to be "on" for everyone, to talk to everyone, to not be in tears, to just manage. Having you around is unbelievably supportive and wonderful. I really would not have been able to do it with out you. I feel blessed to have each of you in my life and a weekend like this past one reinforces how lucky i really am.Thank you again and please now that the hugs, the "how are you doing?", the worrying that i was not going to be stranded, were all so appreciated on so many levels that i don't think I will ever be able to repay you. (I will try, however! Just let me get a little bit better and then its game on.)
Hugs to you all.
Steph

An update on moi, an apology for a 6 month hiatus and mental illness

So, it has officially been 6 months since i have written on my blog, and the reasons are complicated and difficult, but it is time for me to face them and also write about them. 

One of the major reasons that I have not written for a while is that I was alerted to the fact that my anonymity was broken.  In the spring, my best friend from high school called and informed me that she had had an intervention for me performed on her.  Apparently, some girls from my high school had been reading my twitter updates and my blog.  It took me a while to come to terms with this new reality.  I was angry and hurt that they had not come forward themselves and spoken to me or at least identified themselves.  They have not done that yet and I doubt that they will.  I find that sad, and I am disappointed in myself for taking it so personally.  I was worried that things that I was so easily prepared to talk about behind the veil of "Stephintornto" were now in the true voice of me.

I also was confronted by #spoiledsis, who I have now started calling #torontosis, that she has read every word of my blog and my twitter account and I had hurt her immensely.  She has been such a wonderful support over the last 6 months, and for that I felt horrible that I had not written about her recent kindness.  I also was taken aback that she had done this.  This is such a personal space for me.  I never wrote a diary as a child, I never had the little sister reading my thoughts.  It was never an issue.  Now it has become one.  I have subsequently disconnected my blog from my twitter account, much to my dismay after my sister said "what if mom and dad read it? Would you want them to?" Oy vey, the drama.  I will write about this in a later post.  It was a fascinating experience for me.

The main reason I have not written in the last 6 months is that I haven't been capable of doing so.  I have been sick.  Not the kind of I have the stomach flu sick, but mentally ill.  The kind of sick that you can't see unless you look really closely and you notice that I am not myself.  That my eyes are dull. That I am not moving quickly. That I do not have make up on.  That I am not taking part in the conversation.  That I am not coming out to the party again.  That I have not gotten out of my pj's again. That I have not called you in a year. That I have not smiled in days.  That I have not written on my Facebook wall in a year.  That I am living in an episode of Hoarders.  That I am not myself

That I am fighting for my life everyday, you just can't see it easily.  This is mental illness.  This is my battle.

Ten things that suck for You about not dating Me

I recently went through an experience of meeting someone through Twitter that I was really looking forward to meeting in person and potentially having more than a friendship with. (For more information on the “gentleman” please see posts such as “Regretting recent decisions about my blog and a New Disclaimer” and “Maybe he’s scared”.) When the “gentleman” put a stop to things a few weeks ago, for whatever reason (I wrote about him on my blog, I think he needed another excuse), I have realized that I had a lot of plans in the works for us (or any boy really) that I would date that make me fabulous. Now particular for you “gentleman” I have tailored the list of “Ten things that suck for You about not Dating Me”:



1) I am a pretty friggin cool girl. I love to have fun. I am caring and nice and empathetic and wonderful. You, my friend, are missing out.


2) Knowing your obsession with stockings, fabulous garters and spectacular lingerie etc. I had spoiled myself (and you) at Secrets and Lace. www.secretsandlace.com The stuff has arrived, it is gorgeous, and I feel fabulous and sexy in it.


3) I love to cook for people. It is one of my favourite things. Too bad so sad. I had a cocktail hour planned for our first meeting. Champers, lovely appetizers, you already told me what you were going to wear and I knew what I was going to wear. It is so sad. The Foie Gras terrine is going to have to be used on another boy…..


4) I am smart. Not as smart as you in some areas, but smart. I could keep you busy and entertained. Plus, little did you know that we share many of the same political views. Just saying.


5) I am currently embarking on 15 days at the Ritz Carlton in Jamaica, boyfriends, husbands included and paid for ……


6) I am the perfect gift giver. I had purchased you lovely cobalt and platinum montblanc cufflinks (which I have now returned) and a pair of silver inukshuk cufflinks (which I am keeping) Your fave colour and a bit of Canadian to make you feel a bit special in the middle of winter. By-the-by they were both fab.


7) I have access to Superbowl Tickets and I know how much you love football. Not that it matters, but I also have access to condos in Miami on the beach. Sounds like the perfect Feb long weekend no??


8) I love to spoil boys, by buying them things, but especially in bed. It makes me happy when they are happy.


9) I really love to explore life and want to find someone to do that with.  Whether that be, eating, drinking, theater, shopping, new art exhibits, walking around a new city or the city where I live, these are things that excite me and that i want to share with someone else.


10) I am awesome!

At the end of this list I find myself sad that I am not sharing myself with someone.  I find myself sad that I am not sharing my plans with "gentleman" as I was really excited to do that.  I also realize that he is missing a lot too.  I am a great person.  I deserve a lot.  I deserve someone who wants to spend time with me.  Who wants me to spoil them.  Who wants me to share things with them.  #thatisall.

Regretting recent decisions and apologies about my blog and blog enteries

Recently I was pressured to remove a blog post entitled “ “It’s not a date, until I call it a date” - expectations” that I had written about an online conversation that I had had with a gentleman by said gentleman. The post was not about the gentleman directly, his identity, his profession, did not link to his blog, his name, his twitter id, as a matter of fact nothing linked him to the post. What I did do in the post was cut and paste certain parts of the conversation that we were having and reflect on my feelings about him, the post, the relationship online.

I have never apologized for my writings. I have never removed a blog post. I have never ever said that I am sorry for what I feel until now – and I feel sick about doing it this time.

I would like to state that I have re-read the blog post a hundred times and have come to the conclusion that it is lovely and sweet. It is heartfelt and touching and raw emotion of someone aka me, that is nervous about the fact that they have vested a lot of themselves into someone that they are not sure about. I am sad that he found it offensive. I was overly sad that he has decided that because of what I wrote he does not want to see me, I am overly mad that because of what I wrote and because he needed an excuse he used what I wrote to get out of what we had.

The interaction has made me really think about what my blog is about:

My blog is a diary of sorts. It is an online accounting of how I feel about life; my migraines, my mental health, my style, my heart. There is a reason that I do not share this space with my family and friends, because it is an open door to my soul. It is some of my deepest, most raw thoughts. If you do not want to know what those thoughts are, please do not read it. I do not want to be criticized for my thoughts and feelings.

As a friend and “blogger” I will not expose my friends openly in my blog. I will not post pictures on my blog of friends and family as I do not post pictures of myself ensuring their anonymity and my own. I will use false names and nicknames to ensure that they are kept secret. I promise you that. I cherish anonymity in this forum.

As a conclusion to my final interaction with the gentleman, I was too quick to respond. I wrote him this e-mail after taking down the post about our chats and recieving his ranting e-mail at me:

i am so sorry. i am glad that you are feeling better. i published anonymously and published under something that i assumed would not be attributed back to you. how it could be i am not sure. i have removed the post. i feel horrible. please accept my sincerist apologies. i litterally feel sick that you are upset. I write a diary online. Everything is personal on there. I write about the drugs i take, my family, my sisters, my firends, ecetera. I never intended it to be hurtful.

I have deleted the post and did post it anonymously with no link to your handle. i hope you can appreciate that. i looked through it to make sure. I can't believe i fucked up this royally. i feel like an idiot. a royal friggin idiot. i never ever in a million years thought that i would hurt you. i actually don't think that anyone reads my blog. maybe this is a lesson that i should just write it and make it private.


irronically i miss you. i was thinking about you today. i miss our chats and i feel like an idiot. you are a kind person and how anyone could attribut the post to you i am not sure. if you feel like chatting, let me know. I would love to meet. Let me know if you get this. i was so ill and it has been such a difficult time this fall in winnipeg that you have truly been a great relief from it. Thank you.

i feel sick to my stomach about it and apologize. sorry that you have been so ill.

Steph

I was quick to apologize and own the error. I hate that I did that. It was not my mistake. I wrote what I felt. It was a lovely, wonderful, heartfelt post. I am sorry that you read it the wrong way and that you are out of my life. For that I am sorry. I am also sorry that you didn’t have enough balls to write me back after I apologized even to say you recieved it. The lesson that I have learnt from this whole sordid mess, is that:

a. I will never apologize for my writing on my blog. Please read at your own risk. If you read it, please comment and tell me what you do and don’t like about my writing, but I will not be removing posts. These are my thoughts.

b. I had really on some level liked this boy and grown to like our chats and I hate myself for it. Amazing that you can become so vested in an online relationship friendship so easily. Yuck.

c. I will be putting a disclaimer on my blog. As this used to be so anonymous, no one I knew ever read it. Now that I am having the privilege of meeting so many of my twitter friends, many of them are linking to my blog through here. It is the first time that my blog is being read by people I actually know. Eek!!!

"So you're the Unsuccessful One"

It is a small world.  I recently realized that one of the new volunteers that I have been working with at the Winnie Client is the brother of a good family friend, Mrs. S.  The S's are very good family friends of my parents and I grew up with them in the summers.  As children, we spent the summer weekends on a 40 foot boat crusing the waterways of Ontario with them.  They know myself and my family very well.

My volunteer spent an hour on the phone with his sister getting all the gossip on my family and me today and when I saw him this afternoon, the first comment out of his mouth was "So you're the unsuccessful one".  It took every bone in my body not to burst into tears once I absorbed what he had actually said.

I have two very successful sisters; one is an investment banker and at 25 is gorgeous, brilliant, seriously dating a private equity guru and is slowly taking over the world; the other is 30, a stay at home mother, but a corporate lawyer has 6 degrees including an MBA and JD, is skinny and a marathon runner, married to an investment banker who makes a fortune, and has a baby. 

I can never measure up to them.  I am not married or dating anyone seriously, I am not skinny, I am not an investment banker or a corporate lawyer or gorgeous, I do not run marathons, I will never be those things.

What was most upsetting about this comment though, was that it came from the grapevine.  Not only did it come from the opinions of Mrs and Mr S over the years of spending time with my family and my sibilings, but it came from the information that they were being fed from my parents.  Just what do they tell their friends about "the Unsuccessful One"?  What do they really think?

It has made the day very hard to swallow.

Lots of love,
The Unsuccessful One

Managing Excpectations

I started with a new client 3 weeks ago and part of the initial interactions for me around any clients is managing their expectations and being able to meet them.  I have also realized that this has become a big part of my core recently.  Everyone wants something from me and managing how I can interact successfully, provide them with what they want and exceed the excpectations are part of the challenge.  What has been fascinating is that I have noticed that this has fallen into the aspects of not only my work life, but my personal life too.

I no longer have the inner strength, be it physical or mental, to do everything for everyone.  I cannot be the person who will not only bring the cookies to the volunteer board meeting, but bake them myself, chair the meeting, make sure that everyone is called before the meeting, send out the notes, call the individual who is sick, send them flowers etc. 

I don't have it in me.  On one side my chronic migraines take it out of me.  Chronic Pain is exhausting.  it is constant and it is draiing.  They completely deplete me, just to make it through the day on most days.  My body, like today, hurts some days to the point that i sit at my office in birkenstocks with my full formal work wear in hopes of it helping.

On the other side I have my own mental health.  I cannot be exhausted, stressed to the max, not looking after myself and anxiety ridden constantly.  I then spiral into a very bad place of depression and a constant panic attack sitting on my chest waiting to burst out.  I also understand quite clearly that a lot of this is because i am not happy in my life. 

So how does managing excpectations play out for the areas in my life that are important???

• For work, it is about being able to say no (which I cant do well) and also being able to undersatnd that a. not everything has to be perfect b. there are people who can help c. i have to use my assistant more effectively.
• For friends, it is about them being understanding that I don't live in Toronto anymore, that putting aside a night to be with them is a big deal when I am in town, and that I cannot be the "best" friend that I have been in the past.  I hope that they understand.  I also am relying on them to do help with this endeavour.  i cannot be the one to constantly call, to make th edates, to book the dinners, to send the flowers, to buy the gifts etc.  i just can't.  So far "they" have not stepped up to the plate.  i hope that having some comversations with them over the december holidays will help.
• For my personal stuff, it is all about me being ok with doing less and accepting that as a reality. If I cannot do it, it is ok to say no and just hold my ground.  This also involves exploring further things that I enjoy, spoiling myself from time to time and making sure that I am remembering at the end of the day, this life for me is about more than just work.  It is about finding a husband/partner, having my own children, being healthy, enjoying the days when I can.

So there we are.  I will try and manage excpectations all over the place and hope that it helps me to feel that my life is more under control and working better for me and those around me.

hugs princess,
you deserve it!

Lonely Rant

Here I am, approximately 2225 miles from my home, living in a hotel and completely alone.  Yes, the client is lovely and nice and they are making me feel welcome and warm and fuzzy, but at the end of the day, I return to an empty hotel room where it is me, myself and I.  It feels like I am just at my wits end.  I knew that it would be like this.  That I would be alone, on my own, no one here.  But I had forgotten that it was truly lonely.  That it was about having no one to talk to.  No one to brush up against as you walk down the street.  No friend to give a hug to on the occasional encounter.  No kiss on the cheek hello. 

I am truly lacking human interaction.  I am craving it.  I found myself yesterday at a client event, craving the touch of someone else yesterday.  Not in a sexual way, get your mind out of the gutter! But in a touch my arm in conversation, kind of way, so much so that I was over compensating for it.  I lead one of the leading business men in the country to his seat, who is the same age as my father, by taking his arm!  This is not an old man.  This is a man of 60.  But I think that I was craving some interaction to just touch someone. 

I really miss having someone to talk to, but i miss even more having someone to sleep with.  Not sex, but to have in my bed.  Not even cuddle, but just to have in my bed.  My hotel room is lovely and it would be lovely to have someone to share part of this or that with.  I feel that I am missing out, by not sharing that with someone.  Who that is, i am not sure.  How I am going to meet them in Winnipeg, I am not sure.  Why I am spewing this verbal diaherria, I am not sure. 

I am just lonely and you poor blog are getting the blow of my feelings.  I am sorry.  Well it is back to my work and then off to my empty hotel room and if I am good, maybe I will treat myself to a decent meal on my own with a glass of wine for one.

The Effects of Hard Economic Times on me

i am totally paralized by the what has happened in the last month. it has all piled up on me this week and i cannot move.  i cannot do anything.  i know that i have not been blogging lately, and the reason is that I have had a number of things changing and fluxuating and causing my life to go into turmoil.

i know that i am so lucky to have a job still in these times, so many people have been laid off, fired without sererence, not treated well, ecetera and to just have a job in the industry that i work in is a big deal. 

3 weeks ago, i thought i was being fired.  i had had the initial conversation with the Senior VP at my firm and we had chatted about how i only wanted to work in the city in which i lived, and how this was important to me.  how i also understood that part of the understanding of not working in the ciry where we live is that if there is not work, then i would get severence.  i was sure of it.

10 days later the phone rang, it was my CEO.  The CEO of my firm is a good friend, a mentor and someone that i truly adore as a friend.  she asked me to go to winnipeg for a client. winnipeg is a 2 1/2 hour flight from where i live. it is a small city. it is far from friends and family. it is not my home.  but she asked me to go, she needed me to go. so i made the lists, the pro's and con's lists and here are the shortened biggest pro's and con's:

Pro's:

• it's employment: there are currently no senior level jobs in my field in Toronto. I have been watching
• it is only for 6-7 months over the winter
• it is working with an interesting client and with a senior level volunteers and a couple of very senior level canadians that will look excellent on my resumee

Con's:

• it is no where near where i live, where my friends and family are, where my life is.  need i say more?
• i don't deal well with change like this, especially not now. i can barely make my life work when i don't have significant change at the moment.
• i finally feel that i have been making some movement towards making parts of my life work. i've gone on a few dates, i've made a whole new group of friends, i am making steps forward to making changes

so here i am picking employment the biggest PRO in the list and so i am going. i am moving my whole life to Winnipeg.  it iwll not be easy and i am going.  it has frozen me in time.  i cannot appear to be capable of doing anything.  currently my apartment is a mess, my life is a mess, i have client projects up to my eyeballs that are piling up to the ceiling, i can't get a grib on anything.  what am i supposed to do? 

change and i are not friends and this is so evident in this move.  i need this to be easy.  i need this to work.  i need it to be a thing that works for me.  i just don't know how to take the first step.  i can't take the first step.  i am frozen 100 meters behind the starting blocks.....

4 words, 22 characters, and a life changing tweet

"you and your meetings"

one direct message from one follower that I have been communicating with for a while has changed my life. I have loved following and chatting with this individual on twitter, in this random alternative universe, and am impressed by the information that he posts and the website that he writes. He is doing some really neat stuff. Now back to me and my story.....

We had been writing back and forth for a while and at the end of June I had shared that there was now a West Elm in Toronto and on June 29th this lovely message came through on my twitter "K if you live in the area I propose lunch/coffee and a walk around the store". But of course I thought. What a lovely invite. We are now the 20th of July and through no ones fault but my own, we have yet to find a time, and then the message. The message that said "you and your meetings".

It wasn't meant to be mean, it wasn't meant to be evil, it wasn't meant to be anything, but truthful and it was. it knocked the crap out of me. Those 4 words, those 22 characters, have changed my life in 5 days. i am too busy. it is appalling that i have not had one free day in a month. who is this person that i am living in??? i do not know. I have to figure it out and fix it.

i am starting by meeting with a head hunter this week and figuring out my job. I cannot do the commute anymore. Being in a car 3 days a week and having 15-16 hour days on those days plus non-profit commitments in the evenings is not serving me well. I am also saying no to more things. I have to make it work.

My life is not working, and those 4 words have helped me to see it. Thank you so much my new twitter friend. You are a good friend. One of the few who has been so honest with me. I can't tell you without seeming like a stalker how much I appreciate it. One day maybe i will, but if you read it here, just know that i am more thankful than i can ever say.

big hugs and thanks, stephintoronto

lonliness

"Despite the fact that there are over eight million people on the island of Manhattan, there are times you still feel shipwrecked and alone. Times even the most resourceful survivor would feel the need to put a message in a bottle, or on an answering machine."

- Carrie, Sex and the City

I think that recently I have become more and more aware of the enormity of a hole in my life that is not being filled. I am lonely. It is not the desperate need for a "man" as some woman feel and portray so evidently in their outward displays, but it is the part of me that is alone.

Yes I am the girl that "knows everyone". I had some friends over for dinner on Saturday to le cottage and they were asking me all the news on everyone, because they knew that I would knew what Andrea, Alan, Michael, Jamie, Jennifer ectetera were up to, and I did. I am the girl with 800 friends and acquaintances on Facebook, I sit on 2 non-profit boards, I cannot find a free night for months, yet at the core of it all - I think that I am desperately lonely.

It comes out and nips me in the butt in the weirdest ways. Loneliness attacks me when I want to grab a coffee on a week night that has suddenly come free, it is there when I am having to make my own plans again for my weekend, it is there when I eat alone or order a meal for one. As I am commuting so much these days, I wonder if it is heightened even more by the fact that I spend so much time in my car alone on the highway. 4 hours a day has not helped my mental space.

The time unfortunately that is the loneliest is at night. It has nothing at all to do with sex (physical touch, yes (more on that later)) but it has to do with the not having anyone to decompress with. No one to talk to. No one to say "I had a shitty day, and I just want you to listen for 2 minutes so that I can move on". That is when I am lonely. My bed for the first time in a long time feels huge and alone. There is no one to share it with. I don't have a anyone to feel a part of the space with.

The other time that is excruciatingly lonely for me is when I realize how much I have to share with someone and how much I would like to care and give to someone. I see it when I cook dinner at le cottage for friends, when I spoil a girlfriend with a present, when I find the perfect thing to do for my niece. All of these things could be shared with someone.

I mentioned physical touch and I think that this is a huge problem for a number of single woman. I also have a theory that it is fueling the pedicure/manicure industry in North America. Gone are the days that we hug each other, heaven forbid I hold someones hand during the day, and god please do not even think of brushing by me on the street stranger, but we all crave human touch. i can't remember the last time I was purposefully touched, unless it was by a child, or by a person that I pay to touch me (get your mind out of the gutter ie. estetician, hair dresser, etc). Is part of the reason that I find the interaction that I have with my manicurist/masseuses/acupuncturist so important in my life the human touch that is part of the experience? I'm not sure, but I am sure that it is part of the relationship and when I see the other women sitting in their perched pedicure chairs in the Korean nail bar, I know that I am not the only one.

This loneliness feels a bit like a blanket that I can't kick off right now. It is always there. I want to get rid of it, I want to be the happier, less-lonely me, but this heavy blanket is on top of me. I wonder when it will lift and how. Not really sure. Visiting doc this week. Maybe I need a little tweak in the meds to help. I certainly feel like this has been here for the long haul, but I also know that I am not the only one. I am just lonely.

Hugs, friends and suggestions welcome!

The dilema of making my life work

i was on twitter this week "tweeting" with a fellow migraine/depression sufferer and she was indicating that she was frustrated with the state of her apartment and the mess that it was in. I sympathize greatly with her. Between the migraines, the drugs, the depression, work and life, I cannot do it all. I realized this week that my apartment is a mess. It is a bloody mess. It is the kind of mess that I don't want to have people over kind of mess.

I am used to being cluttered. I am a pack rat you see. I hoard lots of things. I like stuff. I like chatchkas. i would love to live a minimalist life in a loft with nothing but white furniture and a pendant lamp of fabulousness, but that is not going to happen. I collect things - hats, shoes, costume jewellery, handbags, etc. These things take up space, hence I have shit.

One thing I have never been is dirty. I am not dirty. I am OCD clean. My floors you could eat off, my counters you could lick, you could walk around in white socks and they would stay white! What has happened with my latest round of depression and migraines is that I haven't been able to keep it up. It is disgusting. I can't even stand my own mess. I noticed when I got home from Miami that my bathroom floor was dirty. It was not that I did not want to clean it up, or did not want a clean floor, or desire it more than anything, but where was the energy to do it going to come from. Who was going to get me to do it and why??? I have no one to clean for except myself and that is not really high on the priority list right now. I noticed that my carpet needs a good vacuum, my kitchen floor needs a good scrub, were those dust bunnies in the corners of my hallway?? yes, for the first time in my life they are. I just don't have the energy to do it all. how and when is this going to get done? it is an interesting question when all i really want to do is crawl up in front of the t.v. or in bed and hide from the world or from myself.

I once told a friend of mine who was looking particularly ragged and like she had given up on her appearance that maybe it was a sign that she was just giving up on her own happiness. I wonder if my apartment being in total disarray means that my life is really in total disarray? it does feel like I am spinning out of control a bit to much lately. Avoiding everything a bit too much for everyones goods really - my weight, my health, my finances, my work, my life - maybe it's all manifesting visually in my apartment.

To work, to volunteer, to manage my life, to play well with others, to put on the brave face of survival, is a lot right now. I wonder if I will be able to wash a floor or pull out the vacuum this weekend. Here's hoping.

More attention for you little blog

I vow to give you more attention little blog. I commit to writing on you. I promise to not treating you like the big sibling to Twitter, which seems to have overtaken my thoughts. I will try and give you some love all the time. I have missed you. I think that you are good for me. I think that you are healthy for me. I think that writing on you, helps me to clear my thoughts and to express myself more eloquently in my daily life. I think that you are a silent friend for me, for my deepest thoughts. I promise, therefore, little blog, to show you the love.

A break through or Education of a Therapist?

As any of you know who have been following my much neglected blog, you know two things about me a. I have chronic migraines, b. I work with a psychotherapist, E, to help with a bunch of issues and chronic depression.

Recently I have been working with E on a number of issues dealing with my parents, as you do when you are in therapy. The joys of psychotherapists is that they do force you to deal with all sorts of things that you really don't want to deal with and this manifests with you not liking to go to see them even though you now it will help you. I have found that through out the years that I have been working with E, both of these things have happened. E tells me my avoidance of the issues has come out through me being late for appointments, rescheduling, missing (only happened twice) and having migraines on the days when we are supposed to meet.

Now let me be clear, I agree that I do not like facing issues head on, I hate it. I hate confrontation. I hate the fact that I know in my head that my parents did some things that were so wrong when I was growing up that has seriously affected me and who I am, but in my heart I know that they did it because they thought it was best for me and came from a place of love. This, as I have recently come to accept does not excuse the behaviour and I have to learn to get angry at them for this to start to heal.

It is not ok Mother and Father, that I believe that I will never be loved and am not deserving of love by anyone, and that I will never be good enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, or smart enough because I am FAT, no matter how skinny I am. No one could ever love me, because of who I am. I should just accept that I am the daughter that is excellent with children, but will never have any, the one that will have many friends, but never anyone to truly love her and marry her, the one that can do all the volunteer work and excel at her "own work", but just remember that it is never as good or as valued as the work of the other sisters, and please continue to do the sports that we don't do, swim, walk, be creative, but let us remember that there is fault in the fact that you are not competitive and do not want to be number 1, that you cannot hit a baseball, do not want to run a marathon, do not want to kick a soccer ball and do not want to throw yourself down a hill on a bike in a race all makes you less than the rest of us and not worthy of praise or value. And please remember that I am the one that is the disappointment for you and that my flaws for you are not things that you can hide. I am not an alcoholic that you can ship to Betty Ford for an "extended vacay" and i would be fixed, but rather you have to look at me, your friends have to see the failure that is your eldest, fat, single, unwed, daughter. For all these things I should be angry with you and I am trying.

One of the interesting things that happens with therapy is transference of emotion. I found myself last after our last session getting very very angry with E. I really like E and want to have an excellent relationship with E. I have had such a rough time with my migraines over the last few months and was so angry that E kept dismissing them as a reason that I was avoiding coming to see E. E was acting like I had control over them and that I could tell my body and my head when and where to attack. That I had control over this evil beast. I do not. For anyone that suffers from migraines or a chronic condition such as IBS, Crones, Colitis etc. they know that although stress can trigger an attack, it cannot cause a chronic condition. I do believe that they can help contribute to more migraines and more intense attacks, but I do not believe that i have it within me to decide when and where my migraines come on.

When we met on Thursday last week, I was irate by the time I got there. I had let myself get into such a state. I was near tears. Here was an individual that I trusted and was working with, who dismissed my health in such a way that was so disrespectful and plain mean. I let it all out. I told her how I felt. I let it all out. Some of the main points that I made were:

• explained that these migraines were a huge part of my existence and I needed E to be on the same page as me, so that we could continue our work together
• told E that I felt devalued in my health and as a human when she dismissed them as a "reason" not to see her
• expressed that I was so angry that she did not treat them as a real illness, and if I'd come in with a visible illness I'd have gotten more respect
• told E that I only wish that I had the control that she thinks that I have over the control of my migraines

By this time of course I was in tears, and very worked up. I already had a migraine (shocking, I know) and was exhausted, so I was just happy to get it out. I was also happy to take the opportunity to educate her a bit on how I felt. I don't know if she really understands, but I know that she will be speaking to her therapist and others about chronic illness affecting her patients.

I also felt like our relationship went to the next level. I trusted her to have this conversation and she is still there and not abandoning me. I think that one a deeper level this was a good learning as I start to explore being angry with others in my life and what that is like. As one who is very controlled and hates confrontation, this is a big step. I don't remember the last time I was angry like this.

To anyone that's made me angry, be forewarned.....

Thoughts on Twitter as a support group for migraines or is it becoming a migraine trigger

I have finally become addicted to Twitter. (You can find me at user name Stephintoronto). We all knew that it would happen, especially me, as I have been addicted to updating my status on Fbook and it was inevitable. I am anonymous on twitter as I am here, accumulating a dear and wonderful group of friends that I cherish. What is so interesting about twitter is that it is direct and immediate communication if you are online. Unlike a blog or an e-mail you are chatting with someone directly if you choose. I have communicated with many of the individuals that I communicate with through my blog like Liberty London Girl, Migraine Chick, Coco at Coco's Tea Party, but I also have had conversations with John Mayer, Ashton Kutcher, Perez Hilton, George Stroumboulopoulos and lots and lots of perfect strangers, many of whom have migraines just like me.


What I have been pondering lately, is the use of Twitter as a support network, but also as a trigger or permission to "give in" to a migraine. I love that when I am feeling crummy there is always someone to say that it is OK and alright to crawl into bed and say f.u. to the world. They also provide suggestions for dealing with pain and ideas for managing with the day to day life. I really do love them. They also all understand.

On the flip side though..... I am sensing that Twitter is empowering me to give into more migraines and the ability to admit that I am feeling awful. Earlier in the week, as an example, I had a mediocre migraine, that I would have usually struggled through. I wonder if admitting and twittering about it, made it more in the forefront of my activities and that made it harder to deal with. If there was some way of measuring that, I am sure that thinking and writing about the fact that I had a headache enabled me to embrace it, for better or for worse. Give into the pain more readily. Does that even make sense?

Anyway, I am curious about others thoughts on this and would be open to others comments. Let me know how you feel about this if you are on twitter and are using this as a way to cope with chronic pain or illness. I know that I will be writing about this more as I use twitter more.

I look forward to following more people and getting to know more people on twitter in the mean time.

Current State of Affairs - Adventures in Depression with Cipralex continues

It is bad. The current state of affairs is bad. I know that I have been joking that I am turning into an eccentric recluse, but I am. I am never leaving my apartment. I don't want to leave, I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to be spotted, I want to stay in my bed and hide under the covers. I know that this is not healthy, but this is really what I want to do. I do not want to do anything. This is bad, it is very bad.

I don't know how to say it any other way. What is scariest about this current state of depression is that I am on some serious anti-depressants. I have been taking cipralex for 6 months (i think) now and I thought that it was really working, but the last two weeks have been awful. I wonder if it is not just a passing phase that I need to get through. My body is going through a lot. I recently upped the Topamax and the Spironolactone that I have been taking. Both of these drugs effect your hormones. Maybe they have just thrown everything out of whack even more than normal. Who the hell knows, but it is getting to a relatively scary place.

I have a cocktail party that I am supposed to go to tonight that I am just about to bow out of. Pathetic. I can't even get my butt out of my apartment to go up the street to see good friends. This is very bad and very scary. I sat beside a friend of mine today at Starbucks today for half an hour and didn't even recognize or acknowledge her until I got up and finally got out of my own fucking bubble. What the hell is wrong with me??? I can't be this depressed. I'm taking things and taking to people so that I won't get this depressed.

Sorry for the rant. I guess this is what happens when your losing your mind.....

I've been found out

I had one of the oddest experiences yesterday, but I guess that it was bound to happen, when I went to my dear friend, the King of Blond, Lois, to get my hair done and he greeted me as Princess Steph. He was so pleased that I had written about him and loved what I had said about him, which I meant, by the by, but I really couldn't focus on that as I was shocked that I had been found out. I expressed to him that I had been writing for 18 months and no one had associated me with the blog yet. He was surprised. I guess that I am too. It is so me. I am all over this little blog. You open it up and you see the pictures that I take, the comics that I write, the way that I communicate, all of which are on my Facebook profile and are a part of who I am. I wonder if any of my other readers know who I am? Let me know. I'm interested.

Thoughts on Consumption

At this time of year i always get anxious, no angry, about the amount of consumption occurring around me. Today is the biggest shopping day of the year in the states. Stores open in the middle of the night so that people can buy t.v.'s they can't afford, toys their kids don't need and shoes that they shouldn't be buying. I understand the need to shop. I love to shop, I love to spend money. I get it.

What I am having a hard time with is the equation of the spending and the state of the economy. Maybe everyone is just in denial. I don't know. Do they not get it? Do they not understand that they are walking a fine line to disaster? I don't know.

I also have a problem in my own family with Christmas morning. I have come to really loath it. We need nothing in my house. We have everything and more in my family. We all buy what we need when we need it or want it. If I want a sweater, I buy it, if I need socks I buy them. No longer do I need a new wool hat and underwear. It just seems like so much unnecessary purchasing and consuming. I wish that we would agree to not do it. I could really get into buying for another underprivileged family or something like that.

Those are just some of my thoughts on today, the biggest shopping day of the year in the United States of America.

Martha and the Crazy Scrapbookers

I am working from home today. One of the luxuries of working from home, is that I have the t.v. on in the morning, if I am just at answering e-mail. Martha just came on and she has on an audience of scrapbookers. They are insane. They have spent hours putting together their scrapbooks and cutting out little pictures and letters and stickers and all sorts of craziness. I am overwhelmed and wonder when these woman have the time and the energy. Also part of me is intrigued that they are all seemingly normal individuals who do this. Some of my friends do this and I wonder what their husbands think. So many hours that these individuals spend doing these books. I am all for printing out pictures and putting them in albums, maybe even writing the names of the individuals on the back, but this is insanity. these people need help.....Anyway, just some thoughts.

Catching yourself in the mirror

I really do not know what I really look like. I don't like looking at myself in the mirror and so I often don't truly look at myself in the mirror. I look at my face when I put on makeup, when I feel that I am breaking out, when I need to inspect something that is wrong with myself, but I never really look at myself. I don't think that I have a good sense of what I look like. If you were to ask me who I look like on the street, what size shape I was, what body I emulated, I would not be able to tell you. I know that I am fat. How fat, I am scared to look. I am scared to really look at myself in the mirror. I will sometimes catch myself in the mirror when I am walking into the shower and I quickly erase that from my mind. I try and forget that I have witnessed what I have seen. I think that maybe I think that I look better than I do, and that I should look in the mirror more. I hate pictures of myself. I hate them with a passion. They are usually awful. I often wonder who the fat, ugly blond is in the picture, who is always impeccably dressed with the perfect accessories, perfect handbag, perfect clothes, perfect highlights, perfect haircut, but not enough to hide the fat gross girl underneath. No amount of money on the right material things can hide that.

I wonder how one sees themselves for real??? Does everyone see themselves and understand themselves as others see them?? I have no idea. I caught myself in the reflection of a public transit bus today and I was shocked to see the woman in the glass. I did not know this person. Who was she? How do I get to know her? How can I see her for who she is? How can I see her for how others see her? I think that this will take a while to get too, but I need to get there. Maybe I need to just spend some time in front of the mirror and really look at myself, I just don't know if I can do it..........

I'm BACK

I'm back from South America and I had a wonderful time at the PFM wedding. I had such a fantastic time. I am sorry that I have been incognito for 2 weeks, but it was a long weekend here and then I was away at the wedding. it was amazing. The wedding, the trip - everything. I will write all about it later, but it was the most amazing wedding. I have been to wedding before where I really thought that there could not have been another cent spent on the wedding to make it any more special in Toronto and NYC and they paled in comparison to this one. There were so many roses and flowers everywhere. You just could not breath it was so breathtaking. The details were out of control - personalized handwritten notes on every place settings, luggage tags in every room with notes welcoming everyone, personalized "Zagat" guides for the wedding......it was unbloody believable. I will post more later, including some wedding details. so amazing. plus the whole PFM things went well - more on that later as well.