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Thanks for stopping by,
Princess Steph

Friday, June 19, 2009

The dilema of making my life work

i was on twitter this week "tweeting" with a fellow migraine/depression sufferer and she was indicating that she was frustrated with the state of her apartment and the mess that it was in. I sympathize greatly with her. Between the migraines, the drugs, the depression, work and life, I cannot do it all. I realized this week that my apartment is a mess. It is a bloody mess. It is the kind of mess that I don't want to have people over kind of mess.

I am used to being cluttered. I am a pack rat you see. I hoard lots of things. I like stuff. I like chatchkas. i would love to live a minimalist life in a loft with nothing but white furniture and a pendant lamp of fabulousness, but that is not going to happen. I collect things - hats, shoes, costume jewellery, handbags, etc. These things take up space, hence I have shit.

One thing I have never been is dirty. I am not dirty. I am OCD clean. My floors you could eat off, my counters you could lick, you could walk around in white socks and they would stay white! What has happened with my latest round of depression and migraines is that I haven't been able to keep it up. It is disgusting. I can't even stand my own mess. I noticed when I got home from Miami that my bathroom floor was dirty. It was not that I did not want to clean it up, or did not want a clean floor, or desire it more than anything, but where was the energy to do it going to come from. Who was going to get me to do it and why??? I have no one to clean for except myself and that is not really high on the priority list right now. I noticed that my carpet needs a good vacuum, my kitchen floor needs a good scrub, were those dust bunnies in the corners of my hallway?? yes, for the first time in my life they are. I just don't have the energy to do it all. how and when is this going to get done? it is an interesting question when all i really want to do is crawl up in front of the t.v. or in bed and hide from the world or from myself.

I once told a friend of mine who was looking particularly ragged and like she had given up on her appearance that maybe it was a sign that she was just giving up on her own happiness. I wonder if my apartment being in total disarray means that my life is really in total disarray? it does feel like I am spinning out of control a bit to much lately. Avoiding everything a bit too much for everyones goods really - my weight, my health, my finances, my work, my life - maybe it's all manifesting visually in my apartment.

To work, to volunteer, to manage my life, to play well with others, to put on the brave face of survival, is a lot right now. I wonder if I will be able to wash a floor or pull out the vacuum this weekend. Here's hoping.


Clare said...

I remember reading somewhere that the actual act of cleaning and tidying has some anti-depressive effects not to mention the psychological boost you get from having a tidy living space. I know it works for me if I'm feeling down:)

Simone Grant said...

I just spent the last hour cleaning my apartment because a friend emailed this morning to say he might stop by this afternoon take a look at some consulting/web stuff I'm doing for him. His email sent me into a panic because my place was a complete mess. Clothes everywhere. Stacks of paper on every surface.

I've just stopped taking care of things for myself. It's too much. Just too much.

But I'm grateful that my friend said he was dropping by. It gave me a reason to tidy up. It really was getting gross.

I guess this is all to say that it's not just you.

Migraine Chick said...

I'm totally having the same problem with keeping up with housecleaning, etc...It's such a struggle to get things done.


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