Mental Health Twitteratti

One of the most wonderful things about twitter has been that I know that I am not alone in my struggle against Mental Illness.  There are hundred`s of us, fighting everyday, to reduce the stigma of mental illness, educate others and find strength in numbers.  This group of fabulous men and woman have saved my life.  They are there when I am scared, when I am alone, when I need help and when I feel that there is no hope.

I have a list on twitter of all of my Mental Health Tweeples.  They are a great group and I thought that I would list them here, so if you haven't followed them you can!  My fabulous Mental Health Tweeples are:

• @inspire_USA
• @simplee_serene
• @motherUnadorned
• @elledud_1920
• @_jennhicks
• @alison_Bergblom
• @icantican
• @wegohealth
• @mykinark
• @strongia
• @omararshad
• @APAHelpCenter
• @nytimeshealth
• @EatsShootsEdits
• @frelle
• @Kendra_Fisher30
• @johnalchin
• @PsychToday
• @stevenpage
• @vetsPrevail
• @twitterbo
• @nowbie
• @CAMHnews
• @farahng
• @MadPsych
• @danigray
• @soul_whispers
• @bipolarxplorer
• @moodlandUSA
• @meplusbipolar
• @chrisa_Hickey
• @A_s_hoa
• @webmiss007
• @CMHA_VA
• @sanaquijadamd
• @BCMentalHealth
• @KathyKastner
• @ReachOutInUSA
• @mrchriswagner
• @HealthWorksBC
• @walkforwarriors
• @valcasselton
• @CreativeFusion
• @KristinJarvis
• @bluefinch604
• @SuperADDMom
• @natasha_tracy
• @DoctorGoofy416
• @HappyKelley
• @comingoutofdark
• @GermanInAlabama
• @concentratenow
• @brookskent
• @Abeeliever
• @endstigma
• @onetosix
• @AnxietyRelief
• @EndTheStigma
• @ImpassionedCat
• @MIAWCanada
• @depression_news
• @docJohnG
• @ridedonthide
• @RecoveryRabbi
• @duskwynd
• @moritherapy
• @benpolar
• @bipolarsis
• @psychcentral
• @Sucoreeway
• @blackdogride
• @perthtones
• @voiceInRecovery
• @jscreeb
• @BipolarLine
• @BiPolarMomma
• @silver_ribbon
• @unsuicide
• @bipolarette
• @MHSMchat
• @susanmees
• @pmerric
• @stales
• @NAMIMass
• @petequily
• @vivianb53
• @Nannidale
• @PsychBrownBag
• @PsychDigest
• @WEGOAmy
• @DepressionSolut
• @Mindful_Living

If I forgot you from my list, or you would like to be added, please let me know.

We meet as a group on Tuesday nights at 9 EST for Mental Health Social Media Chat.  If you would like to follow us, its easy to do so here www.tweetchat.com/room/mhsm Every week is a different topic, so feel free to read aloung or be an active participant.  Everyone is welcome.

Writing and not writing

I am desperate to write about my emotions these days but I cannot.  They are tied up in work, in people that I interact with on twitter, in things that are going on with my family, with my friends, with my life in general.  Many of which would hurt or expose me in a way that would not be good to write about here either by hurting the individual who is causing me turmoil, exposing some emotions that would be raw and come back and stab me in the back, and by talking about a workplace in an unfair way.  So what am I to do??

So, I have decided to write the posts.  There are 3 of them and just the process of writing the three of them and leaving them in my "drafts" inbox has made me feel a bit better.  I have written about some of the challenges at work, that has helped.  I have written about some of the feelings that I am feeling around some things that are going on with my family.  I have written about some of the issues surrounding seclusion.  What I have not written about and I know I have to, are the feelings of loneliness and attraction.  These are too sensitive and difficult.  I will get there, maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow, maybe in a month, but soon I will write about them and leave them in my drafts box and leave them there to be released potentially never.   No one will get hurt, none of my emotions will be exposed to people that are part of the posts and most importantly everyone will be safe from my words, except me.

The Evolution of The Princess's Daily Rants

I have been thinking about it for a long time and have wanted to split my blog.  One of the things that I love the most about this blog is that I have connected with so many people about migraines, mental health, fashion, food and just life.

What has happened over the last year or so, is that I have found I am writing more and more about mental health and general health here, and I am happy about that.  Mental health, bipolar disorder, social anxiety, migraines and chronic illness are my life now.  Everyday these are the things that I deal with and have to manage to be able to function and so I write about them and the struggles that they bring to my life.


On the other hand, I have other interests, primarily food and fashion.  I find it difficult that there are so many "food blogs" out there.  It feels like everyone of my friends is writing a food blog.  Every meal that I go to has people who have cameras taking pictures of every single thing that goes into every one's mouth, tweets about everything that is on every ones plate, writes a review about what is on every ones fork.......quite frankly it is starting to make me a bit crazy, but still I feel like I want to write and share some of my own experiences about food.


So, I would like to introduce you to "We like to eat and drink".  The core of the blog will be a place where "writing and musings by me, about myself, my friends and family, as we celebrate life through eating cooking and being together".  Food is at the core of my family and friends, or social time together and the experiences that we share.  So far I see the blog being divided into 4 different areas:

• "1001 Foods You Must Taste Before You Die Challenge" - A few years ago, before I got sick, I started a challenge to "eat my way through this book".  I will be re-posting and re-attacking this book and its challenge on this blog.  More details to come!!
• Princess Bistro - I like to cook, a lot.  I hope to share some of my adventures in the kitchen, both successful and not, here.  I love having real people over, cooking real food, sharing their experiences.  I hope I can do the same.
• We Like to Eat and Drink - As the title of this blog, I am fortunate to share a love of food and eating with so many friends and family.  I hope to share experiences of how we celebrate events and friendships with food.
• The Cookbook Obsession - I collect cookbooks.  I love them.  I hope to be able to share some reviews of the ones that are on my night table for reading and marking up for future recipes.  
• Culinary Adventures in food - Food has always played a role in my travels and I plan on documenting some of that here.  I feel fortunate to have had so many fabulous experiences abroad, most of them involving food at some point.

I do hope that you will join me on this adventure at http://weliketoeatanddrink.blogspot.com/ My plan is to continue writing here about health and my life, so don't leave me, but I would love your thoughts on food, friends and community at "We Like to Eat and Drink".  You can also follow some of my food tweets @welike2eatdrink.  happy eating and good health!

Tarot Card Reading

Thanks to my friend @alexconde on Twitter, I had my Tarot cards read tonight in 280 characters (2 tweets!):


@stephintoronto The past was unjust, but you fight stronger for yourself today. The journey continues, but you will not be alone on it.
@stephintoronto Last card was interesting. The support will definitely be positive and with love. (yes I cheated, 280 characters)


Well, scarily true on some fronts and let's hope that "not be alone" is a family of my own one day.  Thanks Alex!

A challenging month - the cipralex adventure continues

It has not been easy to do anything lately. If you have read my little "diary" before you know that I have suffered from chronic depression for a long time, probably 18 years and I am in one of the worst spaces I have been in a long time.  It is not easy to be in this place.  You find that you are trying to be a normal human being for those around you, yet the feeling of wanting to just stay in my apartment behind my door in my bed is overwhelming.  I find a lot of time is now being spent trying to justify my lack of activity and ability to do anything.  The fact that I just cant do anything somedays should be ok, shouldn't it???  Apparently not for some people.

Over the last 4-6 months my mental health has changed.  I have had episodes of mania.  Times when for 3-4 days I am so hyper that I dont sleep, I can't seem to get enought work done, I am uber productive, I cant seem to get enough done, I dont sleep etc.  I haven't' had a time like this in a while and think that I may be going crazy.  My anxiety/panic attacks have also increased.  I have general anxiety all the time but have had a series of panic attacks.  I am just such a tragic mess.  I have been so down lately, that it in not good.  Luckily I have found some good friends online through twitter, but have cut myself off from all of my friends in person.  I just can't deal with face to face with face to face interactions.

I have also become acutely aware of the fact that the drugs are not working well.  I have been taking cipralex for depression (30 mg) which is right at the perscription range and have started taking clonazepam for anxiety.  Waiting for a psychology consultation has been the hardest thing that I am doing.  I can't seem to get anyone to see me in a reasonable amount of time.  There just does not seem to be an answer to this.  Here I am going crazy and the first available appointment is June.  So here I sit, waiting.  Waiting. Waiting.   Lucky to have many friends that i know are out there, and are ok with me not calling them or being there right now.

Twitter Friends

I have found recently that twitter has proven to be a remarkable thing for me and I do not know what I do with out it. It has been an incredibly long fall for me being in Winnipeg and I have found that the greatest source of support and friendship has come from my friends on Twitter. I know that that sounds odd and ridiculous, but at the end of the day, when I go back to my empty hotel room and it is just me, the friends that have been there are the ones that are at the end of a key board, not the ones that are at the end of a phone. Shockingly the ones at the end of a phone have been non-existent. I think that it is partially my fault. I am more honest on twitter. I say what is on my mind, I communicate more freely, and I enjoy chatting more easily. I also use twitter all the time now – when I am walking around, when I see something funny, when I write anything – it is the first place I go. I think that this is my main outlet for communications. I treasure my twitter friendships dearly and have never had friends like this before. I need to make sure I tell them more often.

Thoughts on being anonymous and this little blog

my blog and my twitter account are linked.  i have spoken about this before and how as i meet people on twitter i worry more and more about this link.  i write on this blog about very intimate and personal things, including, my health, thoughts on future family and goals, my mental health, my family, my issues, things that i encounter everyday and ways that i (usually don't) deal with them well.

my blog is me exposed. it is my inner most thoughts, my inner most feelings, my heart.  i wonder what people think?  when i am about to go and meet someone, even a new girlfriend for coffee that i've met on twitter, i check out their blog, i see what they're saying.  heck, if i like people that i am following then i go and see what their blog is all about. it is an important part of twitter for me.

so i have know written about some recent interactions with twitter individuals that i have had and i worry that i have fucked it up.  i worry that the linking of the blog and twitter has now buggered up a good friendship that i made on twitter.  should i un-link this from my twitter account? any thoughts are greatly appreciated.

thanks.

A little to close for comfort

I have not shared my blog with anyone that i actually know before. It is very personal. I write about family, mental health (aka my mental health), migraines, struggles etc. I do not write about the happy go lucky side of me.


What happened today is huge in the evolution in my blog and in my life. I have started to meet people through twitter and i made the evolution today of posting my ridiculous Polish Festival pictures and then posting them to my twitter account. This was done without thinking through the fact that I actually knew people who I communicate with on Twitter in person.


Fast forward a few hours and a number of people had commented on the photos and were laughing at them. I had thought nothing of it until a friend who i had written about on my blog, that I met through twitter, messages me and says "I didn't know you had a blog". Well yes, you didn't because I don't tell people. it is linked to my twitter account, but if you had chosen not to go and look at it, i did not have to tell you, did i?


What is worrying is the idea that now my head, heart, mind and psycho thoughts are open to people that I actually know. Do they care? likely not and if they are my friends they will be open and willing to accept me for who I am. I think where there is a scary opening is where it becomes an opening to people that know more about me before i want them to.


I cannot worry about this anymore. I have sent him a DM back and haven't heard back. I have chosen to meet friends on twitter and to link my blog for now to my twitter account. I am not sure how this will all play out. We shall see.

Thanks for listening/reading. I appreciate it more than you know.

Steph

4 words, 22 characters, and a life changing tweet

"you and your meetings"

one direct message from one follower that I have been communicating with for a while has changed my life. I have loved following and chatting with this individual on twitter, in this random alternative universe, and am impressed by the information that he posts and the website that he writes. He is doing some really neat stuff. Now back to me and my story.....

We had been writing back and forth for a while and at the end of June I had shared that there was now a West Elm in Toronto and on June 29th this lovely message came through on my twitter "K if you live in the area I propose lunch/coffee and a walk around the store". But of course I thought. What a lovely invite. We are now the 20th of July and through no ones fault but my own, we have yet to find a time, and then the message. The message that said "you and your meetings".

It wasn't meant to be mean, it wasn't meant to be evil, it wasn't meant to be anything, but truthful and it was. it knocked the crap out of me. Those 4 words, those 22 characters, have changed my life in 5 days. i am too busy. it is appalling that i have not had one free day in a month. who is this person that i am living in??? i do not know. I have to figure it out and fix it.

i am starting by meeting with a head hunter this week and figuring out my job. I cannot do the commute anymore. Being in a car 3 days a week and having 15-16 hour days on those days plus non-profit commitments in the evenings is not serving me well. I am also saying no to more things. I have to make it work.

My life is not working, and those 4 words have helped me to see it. Thank you so much my new twitter friend. You are a good friend. One of the few who has been so honest with me. I can't tell you without seeming like a stalker how much I appreciate it. One day maybe i will, but if you read it here, just know that i am more thankful than i can ever say.

big hugs and thanks, stephintoronto

The Oddity of Twitter - a follow up

It has been a week since that evening at Starbucks and i wanted to thank many of you for asking me how my meeting went with my "twitter friend". Your support and questions of what actually happened, as well as admitting that you have wanted to meet your "twitter friends" has made me feel not so stupid about my little escapade!

What I learnt is that it is not easy, but I am happy that I did it. The evening went ok. We met at the Starbucks as planned and before he arrived, we spent the whole time exchanging text messages and having a good chat as per normal. I felt like it was going to be fine and was comforted by that. When we met, I think that he was likely disappointed and I should preface this with the fact that it was 11pm at night and I had had nothing to drink other than a glass of wine earlier in the evening, he had not (more on this later!).

We walked to the casual pub after having a discussion over where to go and sat outside. I then came out that we were both exhausted and he had been out on the town since 3pm. Was i the intended Bootie Call that was now letting him down? He also, although not showing any signs of it, admitted that he had been drinking since then. I was supposed to have had a much busier evening running around for dinner and drinks with friends so I understood. But as you can see, it was not set up for success from the start.

It started off well and we had a lot to chat about, but we were both exhausted. I also think that at some point, I began to bore him and he lost interest in the conversation and the evening. I feel that the stars were not aligned. He ended up being very distracted about half way through the hour and a half that we spent together. I don't know if it was aligned even to keep up a friendship as we had before we met, which has saddened me slightly.

I was quite upset after we met, and because a. I am clueless and b. I don't play by the rules and c. I don't think that I ever intended this meeting to move to anything other than a friendship, I of course e-mailed him, as I had when I got home a "Bonne Nuit" e-mail. I had done this for the last 10 days or so. Nothing. I responded to tweets the next day. Nothing. I asked how his wedding plans that I knew he was taking part in were going. Nothing.

Then I clued in. i was the weird, overly eager, girl who had just met this boy, who happens to be a very popular boy (more on that later) who was stalking him. This was not my intent. i am a loving, caring person, who goes out of my way with my friends. Once I understood that he was not going to ever think of this as more than a friendship, then I treated him like a friend. I don't think that he understands that.

The weekend was difficult, because I was digesting what had gone on, I was struggling with having put myself out there, I was coming to terms with not being the person that someone had wanted me to be again physically that matches my personality and I was struggling with the change in twitter boy and my change in our online banter and quite frankly my anonymity.(I wonder if he has read my blog, its linked to my twitter account. Who knows?)

So what did I learn:

• Twitter is a weird communication forum where you can communicate openly and easily with people
• i think a sense of informality arises with Twitter rather quickly and you become very familiar with people very quickly
• i am now communicating with people more on Twitter than I do with my "non-twitter" friends, which is weird
• I am more open about my life, my trials, my tribulations on Twitter than I am in "real" life

Would I do it again? Yes. As a matter of fact, I am doing it again on Wednesday, and guess what? He asked me why there were no pics of me on my blog? He also harassed me for being so busy and over committed, which is what I need. I just think that I need to meet some new friends and some new people in the city.

I am seeing this as just another way to meet people. I was tweeting with another online friend about this same issue and she simply replied that "I meet people in all sorts of ways and this is just one of those ways". What a healthy way to look at it.

I'd love to hear your stories of meeting people from Twitter. I know that its happening. Let me know. This may be the version of online dating for those of us who hate online dating!

Follow me at @stephintoronto if you would like to or if you think you aren't totally petrified of meeting me? Again it is only one night.

I'll report on Wednesday soon enough!

The Oddity of Twitter

It is 10:45 at night on a Friday, I'm sitting alone in a Starbucks patio that is closed for the night and I am waiting for a friend. Not a friend that I have ever met in person, but a friend that knows me oddly very well. Shockingly I am not even sure how to pronounce his name.

I have been on twitter for a number of months now and I really enjoy the vehicle for communications. I did not know what it was going to be like. I went into it with low, low expectations in terms of what I would do with it, how I would use it etc, and I am addicted.

Anyway, back to me sitting in an empty patio. I started following said boy 2 months ago maybe, when the national newspaper in Canada listed the Top 10 Twitterers in Toronto to follow. He was on the list and so bing, bang, boom - we are communicating on Twitter. our joking tweets and messages back and forth daily to thinks that we both post, migrated to discussions about meeting for a drink, to e-mails, to him wishing me a good night and vice versa every night for the last two wks etc to tonight. I also should come clean about the fact that I had a total and utter melt down on the poor boy on Monday and he was wonderful. He made the awful mistake of asking me how I was? The nerve. Total meltdown over my spoiled sister, my life not working, commuting, migraines etc. All topped off with the fact the it was my birthday and I was alone. It is a wonder that he did not block me from twitter right then and there. It is so weird. I feel like I know him.

I am terrified that whatever friendship we have in this false universe is about to die, when we meet in person. I'm also terrified that I weirdly and randomly like this boy on the other end of my bberry when I crawl into bed at night, wishing me good night. I like that it is all based on intellect our friendship and has nothing to do with us meeting in person. This friendship has no pretences on who we are in person. But now it does and I am scared.

I am scared that I am fat. I am scared that I misrepresented myself. I am scared that I am not the person that anyone would ever want to like in person as a friend or in any other way. I am scared that I am a great girl if you don't have to look at me. I am scared that even as a friend I would not be acceptable in person.

I wonder if he has googled me? I would certainly think that he has. He would know what I looked like. Should I take solace in that. There are pics of me all over the bloody Internet in all my awful glory.

I'm in the same dress that I've worn all day, my black rachel pally maxi dress and black patent birkenstocks. I had my hair highlighted today so that has made me feel a bit better about myself and I don't look like a complete tragic mess, only a slight tragic mess!

On the other hand I am proud of myself for putting myself out there. It will be one night. What is the worst that can happen? I promise to report later. If you feel like following me on twitter, my twitter name is stephintoronto. I'd love to meet up some day, I think!

Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

The dilema of making my life work

i was on twitter this week "tweeting" with a fellow migraine/depression sufferer and she was indicating that she was frustrated with the state of her apartment and the mess that it was in. I sympathize greatly with her. Between the migraines, the drugs, the depression, work and life, I cannot do it all. I realized this week that my apartment is a mess. It is a bloody mess. It is the kind of mess that I don't want to have people over kind of mess.

I am used to being cluttered. I am a pack rat you see. I hoard lots of things. I like stuff. I like chatchkas. i would love to live a minimalist life in a loft with nothing but white furniture and a pendant lamp of fabulousness, but that is not going to happen. I collect things - hats, shoes, costume jewellery, handbags, etc. These things take up space, hence I have shit.

One thing I have never been is dirty. I am not dirty. I am OCD clean. My floors you could eat off, my counters you could lick, you could walk around in white socks and they would stay white! What has happened with my latest round of depression and migraines is that I haven't been able to keep it up. It is disgusting. I can't even stand my own mess. I noticed when I got home from Miami that my bathroom floor was dirty. It was not that I did not want to clean it up, or did not want a clean floor, or desire it more than anything, but where was the energy to do it going to come from. Who was going to get me to do it and why??? I have no one to clean for except myself and that is not really high on the priority list right now. I noticed that my carpet needs a good vacuum, my kitchen floor needs a good scrub, were those dust bunnies in the corners of my hallway?? yes, for the first time in my life they are. I just don't have the energy to do it all. how and when is this going to get done? it is an interesting question when all i really want to do is crawl up in front of the t.v. or in bed and hide from the world or from myself.

I once told a friend of mine who was looking particularly ragged and like she had given up on her appearance that maybe it was a sign that she was just giving up on her own happiness. I wonder if my apartment being in total disarray means that my life is really in total disarray? it does feel like I am spinning out of control a bit to much lately. Avoiding everything a bit too much for everyones goods really - my weight, my health, my finances, my work, my life - maybe it's all manifesting visually in my apartment.

To work, to volunteer, to manage my life, to play well with others, to put on the brave face of survival, is a lot right now. I wonder if I will be able to wash a floor or pull out the vacuum this weekend. Here's hoping.

Thoughts on Twitter as a support group for migraines or is it becoming a migraine trigger

I have finally become addicted to Twitter. (You can find me at user name Stephintoronto). We all knew that it would happen, especially me, as I have been addicted to updating my status on Fbook and it was inevitable. I am anonymous on twitter as I am here, accumulating a dear and wonderful group of friends that I cherish. What is so interesting about twitter is that it is direct and immediate communication if you are online. Unlike a blog or an e-mail you are chatting with someone directly if you choose. I have communicated with many of the individuals that I communicate with through my blog like Liberty London Girl, Migraine Chick, Coco at Coco's Tea Party, but I also have had conversations with John Mayer, Ashton Kutcher, Perez Hilton, George Stroumboulopoulos and lots and lots of perfect strangers, many of whom have migraines just like me.


What I have been pondering lately, is the use of Twitter as a support network, but also as a trigger or permission to "give in" to a migraine. I love that when I am feeling crummy there is always someone to say that it is OK and alright to crawl into bed and say f.u. to the world. They also provide suggestions for dealing with pain and ideas for managing with the day to day life. I really do love them. They also all understand.

On the flip side though..... I am sensing that Twitter is empowering me to give into more migraines and the ability to admit that I am feeling awful. Earlier in the week, as an example, I had a mediocre migraine, that I would have usually struggled through. I wonder if admitting and twittering about it, made it more in the forefront of my activities and that made it harder to deal with. If there was some way of measuring that, I am sure that thinking and writing about the fact that I had a headache enabled me to embrace it, for better or for worse. Give into the pain more readily. Does that even make sense?

Anyway, I am curious about others thoughts on this and would be open to others comments. Let me know how you feel about this if you are on twitter and are using this as a way to cope with chronic pain or illness. I know that I will be writing about this more as I use twitter more.

I look forward to following more people and getting to know more people on twitter in the mean time.