Thanks for visiting my little blog, Please note that this is my online diary, thoughts & feelings expressed on this blog are mine & mine alone. I hope that you will take the time to comment & tell me what you think about the things that I write. If you do not wish to know what I am thinking in my tiny little head then please do not read on, but I will not apoloize for my spelling (although I'm trying to be better!) or my posts!

Thanks for stopping by,
Princess Steph

Saturday, March 6, 2010

A challenging month - the cipralex adventure continues

It has not been easy to do anything lately. If you have read my little "diary" before you know that I have suffered from chronic depression for a long time, probably 18 years and I am in one of the worst spaces I have been in a long time.  It is not easy to be in this place.  You find that you are trying to be a normal human being for those around you, yet the feeling of wanting to just stay in my apartment behind my door in my bed is overwhelming.  I find a lot of time is now being spent trying to justify my lack of activity and ability to do anything.  The fact that I just cant do anything somedays should be ok, shouldn't it???  Apparently not for some people.

Over the last 4-6 months my mental health has changed.  I have had episodes of mania.  Times when for 3-4 days I am so hyper that I dont sleep, I can't seem to get enought work done, I am uber productive, I cant seem to get enough done, I dont sleep etc.  I haven't' had a time like this in a while and think that I may be going crazy.  My anxiety/panic attacks have also increased.  I have general anxiety all the time but have had a series of panic attacks.  I am just such a tragic mess.  I have been so down lately, that it in not good.  Luckily I have found some good friends online through twitter, but have cut myself off from all of my friends in person.  I just can't deal with face to face with face to face interactions.

I have also become acutely aware of the fact that the drugs are not working well.  I have been taking cipralex for depression (30 mg) which is right at the perscription range and have started taking clonazepam for anxiety.  Waiting for a psychology consultation has been the hardest thing that I am doing.  I can't seem to get anyone to see me in a reasonable amount of time.  There just does not seem to be an answer to this.  Here I am going crazy and the first available appointment is June.  So here I sit, waiting.  Waiting. Waiting.   Lucky to have many friends that i know are out there, and are ok with me not calling them or being there right now.

1 comment:

Emily said...

Sounds like you may be showing signs of bi-polar. If so, you would be amazed how a mood stabilizer can change things for you. Once you get in for your appt, let your Dr know about the mania cycles.

Hang in there!

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