It has not been easy to do anything lately. If you have read my little "diary" before you know that I have suffered from chronic depression for a long time, probably 18 years and I am in one of the worst spaces I have been in a long time. It is not easy to be in this place. You find that you are trying to be a normal human being for those around you, yet the feeling of wanting to just stay in my apartment behind my door in my bed is overwhelming. I find a lot of time is now being spent trying to justify my lack of activity and ability to do anything. The fact that I just cant do anything somedays should be ok, shouldn't it??? Apparently not for some people.
Over the last 4-6 months my mental health has changed. I have had episodes of mania. Times when for 3-4 days I am so hyper that I dont sleep, I can't seem to get enought work done, I am uber productive, I cant seem to get enough done, I dont sleep etc. I haven't' had a time like this in a while and think that I may be going crazy. My anxiety/panic attacks have also increased. I have general anxiety all the time but have had a series of panic attacks. I am just such a tragic mess. I have been so down lately, that it in not good. Luckily I have found some good friends online through twitter, but have cut myself off from all of my friends in person. I just can't deal with face to face with face to face interactions.
I have also become acutely aware of the fact that the drugs are not working well. I have been taking cipralex for depression (30 mg) which is right at the perscription range and have started taking clonazepam for anxiety. Waiting for a psychology consultation has been the hardest thing that I am doing. I can't seem to get anyone to see me in a reasonable amount of time. There just does not seem to be an answer to this. Here I am going crazy and the first available appointment is June. So here I sit, waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Lucky to have many friends that i know are out there, and are ok with me not calling them or being there right now.
Thanks for visiting my little blog, Please note that this is my online diary, thoughts & feelings expressed on this blog are mine & mine alone. I hope that you will take the time to comment & tell me what you think about the things that I write. If you do not wish to know what I am thinking in my tiny little head then please do not read on, but I will not apoloize for my spelling (although I'm trying to be better!) or my posts!
Thanks for stopping by,