The abyss of loneliness

courtesy of http://www.someecards.com/



This weekend, it became evidently clear again that I am alone and it sucks.

When receiving some bad family news on Friday over champagne, #londonsis had her fiance and #torontosis had her husband and baby, to hold on too, as we absorbed the information that we were being told.  I had no one.  No one to get home and cry to on the sofa, to cuddle up to in their arms just for some comfort, to hold their hand so that i didn't feel like I was going to fall off the deep end of the ocean into an abyss of fear, sadness and depression.  All of my emotions were mine alone, to process and manage the feelings on my own.  It was horrible.  It was even more horrible because I have really secluded myself from any friends that I had, and don't feel that I'm able to reach out to them now when I am back in crisis.

I so rarely feel like being single is awful.  I do single well.  I am confident in doing things on my own and I am usually perfectly OK with it.  Except that I know that this life is meant to be shared with another human being and that I do not want to be on my own forever.  On Friday and throughout the weekend, I was reminded that it is truly awful going through this life on one's own and this is not the life that I want to lead. 

But I am a lot to take on.  I know that the hope of finding a partner is even smaller given my mental illness.  Before I was sick and diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, I was just the girl with Migraines that battles chronic depression, but was still fun when needed.  Now I am the girl who is crazy, needs 10 pills a day to keep some form of sanity and has gained another 25 pounds because of the drugs that I am taking.  What man/boy wants to take that on? Not very many.

I rarely find men attractive anymore.  I think that it is a defence mechanism.  Don't worry, if you don't find anyone attractive, you will never put yourself out there, you will never get rejected, you will never have to face the fact that you are, as you believed, a lot to take on, too much for most people.  When I do find someone attractive, I am so eager for them to like me that I am destine to be over eager on all angles.  I am a relationship mess.  Sabotaging my own happiness, before it has a second to establish itself.

So here I am.  Me.  Myself.  I.  Alone. I wish I could change it, but apparently this is not going to be easy.  I sit at my desk, tears running down my cheeks, thinking that I may be stuck in this abyss of loneliness forever.

For the first time: A desire not to take my meds

I have read about and often hear about people who suffer from "Bipolar Disorder" and other mental illnesses (primarily schizophrenia) not wanting to take their meds and the problems that it causes.  Until yesterday, not one day of the last 10+ years that I have taken drugs to help with mental illness, be it depression or bipolar disorder, have i ever contemplated not taking my meds religiously.  Yesterday was different and it was terrifying....

I take a ton of meds.  9 pills daily just to make it through the day and deal with proactive care of migraines and dealing with depression/bipolar disorder/social anxiety.  I also have 10+ prescriptions for reactive treatments for migraines and anxiety/panic attacks.  I feel on most days when I look in my medicine bags (I keep them in large freezer size Ziploc) that I am an 80 year old grandmother dealing with heart disease!

For some reason, yesterday, as I stared at the pile of pills that I had to take in the morning, I just did not want to.  I did not want to pull one pill out of all of the containers, each one reminding me of how un-normal I am, how fucked up my brain is, how sick I am  I did not want to take the 10 minutes it takes to swallow all of the pills in the morning so that I don't throw up.  I did not want to deal with the side effects.  I just for one day, DID NOT WANT TO.

I have come to hate the side effects on one level and accept them on another.  The side effects range from my needing to sleep 12 hours a night, being incredibly slow (both physically and mentally), housing a dumb blond in my head that makes me very stupid, craving carbs 24 hours a day, losing confidence in all that i do, gaining weight ......  I understand that I need to take the drugs so I accept them, but I can still not like the "side effect me".  I know on a very basic level that the "side effect me" disappears when I don't take my drugs.  Wouldn't it be nice to just get rid of all of those things, even for a day?

From the research that I have done, and the understanding that I have of mental illness, the other reason that so many people go off of their meds is that they "feel well" and believe that they don't need their meds anymore to be well.  This is not me.  I firmly believe that I will always need drugs to function.  As someone who has a mental illness, I know that as someone with bipolar disorder I have a chemical imbalance in my head and I need the drugs to help balance that out.  I also know that they are not the "golden ticket" of feeling better, but are the most important tool in my treasure chest of leading a well adjusted, healthy life.

Yesterday, I did not take my meds.  Instead, this morning I woke up and I had to have a very stern talk with myself about what I needed to do to be a healthy person.  That healthy person needs to take all of her drugs, not just the ones she wants, or when she wants to.  I took them all this morning and I will take them all tomorrow, and the day after that.  I sense that this is going to be an ongoing battle of my rational self versus the mentally ill voice in my head, who just does not want to be stupid, slow, fat and hindered by side effects anymore, but would prefer to be manic, funny, witty, quick and her old self again....the one with out all the drugs.

Friends that I didn't know I had and a new Fibro/Migraine/Health Blog to read

I read a number of blogs and find support and love online from a variety of friends. My twitterati, as I call my online twitter friends, have been invaluable to my time in Winnipeg and this move. They remind me that although I am here I am not alone. It is wonderful. I am very blessed.

What always is a blessing is to find a friend that mentions my blog on their blog. I actually don't think that anyone really read's this little diary of mine, but I was reading some Migraine blogs today to see the links between migraine and gluten and came across Taming the Wolf.  I feel honored to be included in her list of Fibro/Lupus/Migaine/Health Blogs with list of fabulous people. 

Taming the Wolf does not blog often, but her posts are honest, touching and lovely.  They make you feel like you are not alone in your struggle of dealing with an "invisible illness".  I feel truely honored to be included in her list.  Thank you.

images of a migraine in the morning

a couple of self portraits of me with a migraine in the morning. it is not pretty. this is on a good day too....

Managing Excpectations

I started with a new client 3 weeks ago and part of the initial interactions for me around any clients is managing their expectations and being able to meet them.  I have also realized that this has become a big part of my core recently.  Everyone wants something from me and managing how I can interact successfully, provide them with what they want and exceed the excpectations are part of the challenge.  What has been fascinating is that I have noticed that this has fallen into the aspects of not only my work life, but my personal life too.

I no longer have the inner strength, be it physical or mental, to do everything for everyone.  I cannot be the person who will not only bring the cookies to the volunteer board meeting, but bake them myself, chair the meeting, make sure that everyone is called before the meeting, send out the notes, call the individual who is sick, send them flowers etc. 

I don't have it in me.  On one side my chronic migraines take it out of me.  Chronic Pain is exhausting.  it is constant and it is draiing.  They completely deplete me, just to make it through the day on most days.  My body, like today, hurts some days to the point that i sit at my office in birkenstocks with my full formal work wear in hopes of it helping.

On the other side I have my own mental health.  I cannot be exhausted, stressed to the max, not looking after myself and anxiety ridden constantly.  I then spiral into a very bad place of depression and a constant panic attack sitting on my chest waiting to burst out.  I also understand quite clearly that a lot of this is because i am not happy in my life. 

So how does managing excpectations play out for the areas in my life that are important???

• For work, it is about being able to say no (which I cant do well) and also being able to undersatnd that a. not everything has to be perfect b. there are people who can help c. i have to use my assistant more effectively.
• For friends, it is about them being understanding that I don't live in Toronto anymore, that putting aside a night to be with them is a big deal when I am in town, and that I cannot be the "best" friend that I have been in the past.  I hope that they understand.  I also am relying on them to do help with this endeavour.  i cannot be the one to constantly call, to make th edates, to book the dinners, to send the flowers, to buy the gifts etc.  i just can't.  So far "they" have not stepped up to the plate.  i hope that having some comversations with them over the december holidays will help.
• For my personal stuff, it is all about me being ok with doing less and accepting that as a reality. If I cannot do it, it is ok to say no and just hold my ground.  This also involves exploring further things that I enjoy, spoiling myself from time to time and making sure that I am remembering at the end of the day, this life for me is about more than just work.  It is about finding a husband/partner, having my own children, being healthy, enjoying the days when I can.

So there we are.  I will try and manage excpectations all over the place and hope that it helps me to feel that my life is more under control and working better for me and those around me.

hugs princess,
you deserve it!

Mental Health, Migraines and the Workplace

i have had a bitch of a morning. a total bitch of a morning. i was called into my firms office to discuss my new assignment that starts on Monday half way across the country. i was not expecting to have a deep discussion about a bad review that i had received from a past client, but so it was to be.


i had received a "scathing" review from a client that i worked with for a whole year. the vp that i worked with was very disappointed in the work that i did with them, not in the strategy, not in my ability, not in my "smarts", not in what i brought to the table, but apparently in my reliability and the fact that i was ill a lot.

these are two very different issues in my life, and i feel like i need to deal with them both separately and independently. i also feel that the only way that i can thoroughly think about this is to write about it here. I also revealed today to both of my sr. vp's that i was taking drugs daily not only for my migraines, but also for my chronic anxiety and depression. i think that it was surprising to them and also made them realize that these issues are sometimes bigger than the person as a whole (me) and not as clear as they seem.

when we spoke about the reliability issue, i was very honest with them and spoke to them about the fact that this was the first that i had heard about this. also it was the first that they had heard about it. they agreed whole heartedly. I also talked to them about some of the struggles that i have with perfectionism and the need for my documents and client work to be perfect before i present it and how this is such a difficult thing for me that i am working through. this, i admitted does cause things to be late some times. we chatted about my current state of being frozen with stress and anxiety. i was of course in tears by now, because it was too much. i have not slept in ages and i am so stressed out about everything. it was not good.

what was wonderful is that both of the Sr VP's, a man and a woman, were totally supportive and understanding. the man was particularly compassionate and empathetic saying that he often was "paralyzed" with stress and hours would go by with out him being able to function. it was nice to have them understand and not only empathize but be supportive and offer to help. they also were wonderful in offering to be on the other end of the phone if i ever need them just to chat. i feel very lucky.

this is when i told them about the drugs. i told them that i take them for chronic anxiety and depression. they were shocked. i explained that it was a learning process, but i am in that process and trying to figure it out. i also explained that instead of being on a total manic roller coaster, i am trying to be on a lovely wavy pool of life. neither of them had noticed that i was "crazy manic". i told them it was because i was always "on" with them. they seemed to understand and it brought us onto a better level. I am glad i shared this information with them.

I was struck by the comment on illness. i think the struggle with migraines for me is that there is no hiding them. i look ill when I have a migraine. I am greeny-grey and lethargic. apparently you can tell in the middle of a conversation that i am getting one from my eyes. i cannot hide them.

the irony of how i view my chronic migraines is that i do not see that i am ill. i do not consider myself ill. i actually consider myself a very healthy person. i have my first cold now in 18 months. i do not really get sick. i do however have a chronic pain illness. i have chronic migraines. i can do nothing about it. i take drugs for it. lots of drugs for it, with lots of side effects, but i am doing what i can. this is not easy.

what is also not easy, is that i have also, always been very open about my migraines and mental health. i think that it is an important part of the process. it is important for me and it is important for other sufferers. it is one of the main reasons that i am so open about mental health and migraines and mental health on this blog. it helps me and it helps others.

From this comment, i have to rethink how i talk about myself. do i know take the view that: i will not tell my clients that i have a migraine, i will not comment when i have a headache, i will not say yes i do have a headache when asked. sorry i cannot remember a name, it's the topomax. this is all a mind shift for me, but i think that it is the answer.

so today started with a conversation that i never thought that i would have on any front. i hope that it has calmed some nerves on my end and theirs. here's to a new client and new opportunities. i also now must figure out what to do about this lovely client that i worked with and what to do about him. i really liked him and thought that he liked me. should i call him, e-mail him, or leave it. i'm at a loss. need to fix it. the world's too small for him to be defaming my integrity all over the place.....

The dilema of making my life work

i was on twitter this week "tweeting" with a fellow migraine/depression sufferer and she was indicating that she was frustrated with the state of her apartment and the mess that it was in. I sympathize greatly with her. Between the migraines, the drugs, the depression, work and life, I cannot do it all. I realized this week that my apartment is a mess. It is a bloody mess. It is the kind of mess that I don't want to have people over kind of mess.

I am used to being cluttered. I am a pack rat you see. I hoard lots of things. I like stuff. I like chatchkas. i would love to live a minimalist life in a loft with nothing but white furniture and a pendant lamp of fabulousness, but that is not going to happen. I collect things - hats, shoes, costume jewellery, handbags, etc. These things take up space, hence I have shit.

One thing I have never been is dirty. I am not dirty. I am OCD clean. My floors you could eat off, my counters you could lick, you could walk around in white socks and they would stay white! What has happened with my latest round of depression and migraines is that I haven't been able to keep it up. It is disgusting. I can't even stand my own mess. I noticed when I got home from Miami that my bathroom floor was dirty. It was not that I did not want to clean it up, or did not want a clean floor, or desire it more than anything, but where was the energy to do it going to come from. Who was going to get me to do it and why??? I have no one to clean for except myself and that is not really high on the priority list right now. I noticed that my carpet needs a good vacuum, my kitchen floor needs a good scrub, were those dust bunnies in the corners of my hallway?? yes, for the first time in my life they are. I just don't have the energy to do it all. how and when is this going to get done? it is an interesting question when all i really want to do is crawl up in front of the t.v. or in bed and hide from the world or from myself.

I once told a friend of mine who was looking particularly ragged and like she had given up on her appearance that maybe it was a sign that she was just giving up on her own happiness. I wonder if my apartment being in total disarray means that my life is really in total disarray? it does feel like I am spinning out of control a bit to much lately. Avoiding everything a bit too much for everyones goods really - my weight, my health, my finances, my work, my life - maybe it's all manifesting visually in my apartment.

To work, to volunteer, to manage my life, to play well with others, to put on the brave face of survival, is a lot right now. I wonder if I will be able to wash a floor or pull out the vacuum this weekend. Here's hoping.

A break through or Education of a Therapist?

As any of you know who have been following my much neglected blog, you know two things about me a. I have chronic migraines, b. I work with a psychotherapist, E, to help with a bunch of issues and chronic depression.

Recently I have been working with E on a number of issues dealing with my parents, as you do when you are in therapy. The joys of psychotherapists is that they do force you to deal with all sorts of things that you really don't want to deal with and this manifests with you not liking to go to see them even though you now it will help you. I have found that through out the years that I have been working with E, both of these things have happened. E tells me my avoidance of the issues has come out through me being late for appointments, rescheduling, missing (only happened twice) and having migraines on the days when we are supposed to meet.

Now let me be clear, I agree that I do not like facing issues head on, I hate it. I hate confrontation. I hate the fact that I know in my head that my parents did some things that were so wrong when I was growing up that has seriously affected me and who I am, but in my heart I know that they did it because they thought it was best for me and came from a place of love. This, as I have recently come to accept does not excuse the behaviour and I have to learn to get angry at them for this to start to heal.

It is not ok Mother and Father, that I believe that I will never be loved and am not deserving of love by anyone, and that I will never be good enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, or smart enough because I am FAT, no matter how skinny I am. No one could ever love me, because of who I am. I should just accept that I am the daughter that is excellent with children, but will never have any, the one that will have many friends, but never anyone to truly love her and marry her, the one that can do all the volunteer work and excel at her "own work", but just remember that it is never as good or as valued as the work of the other sisters, and please continue to do the sports that we don't do, swim, walk, be creative, but let us remember that there is fault in the fact that you are not competitive and do not want to be number 1, that you cannot hit a baseball, do not want to run a marathon, do not want to kick a soccer ball and do not want to throw yourself down a hill on a bike in a race all makes you less than the rest of us and not worthy of praise or value. And please remember that I am the one that is the disappointment for you and that my flaws for you are not things that you can hide. I am not an alcoholic that you can ship to Betty Ford for an "extended vacay" and i would be fixed, but rather you have to look at me, your friends have to see the failure that is your eldest, fat, single, unwed, daughter. For all these things I should be angry with you and I am trying.

One of the interesting things that happens with therapy is transference of emotion. I found myself last after our last session getting very very angry with E. I really like E and want to have an excellent relationship with E. I have had such a rough time with my migraines over the last few months and was so angry that E kept dismissing them as a reason that I was avoiding coming to see E. E was acting like I had control over them and that I could tell my body and my head when and where to attack. That I had control over this evil beast. I do not. For anyone that suffers from migraines or a chronic condition such as IBS, Crones, Colitis etc. they know that although stress can trigger an attack, it cannot cause a chronic condition. I do believe that they can help contribute to more migraines and more intense attacks, but I do not believe that i have it within me to decide when and where my migraines come on.

When we met on Thursday last week, I was irate by the time I got there. I had let myself get into such a state. I was near tears. Here was an individual that I trusted and was working with, who dismissed my health in such a way that was so disrespectful and plain mean. I let it all out. I told her how I felt. I let it all out. Some of the main points that I made were:

• explained that these migraines were a huge part of my existence and I needed E to be on the same page as me, so that we could continue our work together
• told E that I felt devalued in my health and as a human when she dismissed them as a "reason" not to see her
• expressed that I was so angry that she did not treat them as a real illness, and if I'd come in with a visible illness I'd have gotten more respect
• told E that I only wish that I had the control that she thinks that I have over the control of my migraines

By this time of course I was in tears, and very worked up. I already had a migraine (shocking, I know) and was exhausted, so I was just happy to get it out. I was also happy to take the opportunity to educate her a bit on how I felt. I don't know if she really understands, but I know that she will be speaking to her therapist and others about chronic illness affecting her patients.

I also felt like our relationship went to the next level. I trusted her to have this conversation and she is still there and not abandoning me. I think that one a deeper level this was a good learning as I start to explore being angry with others in my life and what that is like. As one who is very controlled and hates confrontation, this is a big step. I don't remember the last time I was angry like this.

To anyone that's made me angry, be forewarned.....

wondering about my mental state - thoughts on Cipralex

I am really concerned about my mental state these days. My lack of ability to do anything is not good. I just can't function. I am not moving on any front. My headaches are bad, my motivation is negligible and I can't move on any front. I don't want to leave my apt and I just can't function. I wonder if the Cipralex is is not working any more? does that happen? does it just stop working? I have not idea. I am scared though. I can't work. I am not going to work, but working at home in my pj's or yoga pants. This is not good. Not good at all.

Thoughts on Twitter as a support group for migraines or is it becoming a migraine trigger

I have finally become addicted to Twitter. (You can find me at user name Stephintoronto). We all knew that it would happen, especially me, as I have been addicted to updating my status on Fbook and it was inevitable. I am anonymous on twitter as I am here, accumulating a dear and wonderful group of friends that I cherish. What is so interesting about twitter is that it is direct and immediate communication if you are online. Unlike a blog or an e-mail you are chatting with someone directly if you choose. I have communicated with many of the individuals that I communicate with through my blog like Liberty London Girl, Migraine Chick, Coco at Coco's Tea Party, but I also have had conversations with John Mayer, Ashton Kutcher, Perez Hilton, George Stroumboulopoulos and lots and lots of perfect strangers, many of whom have migraines just like me.


What I have been pondering lately, is the use of Twitter as a support network, but also as a trigger or permission to "give in" to a migraine. I love that when I am feeling crummy there is always someone to say that it is OK and alright to crawl into bed and say f.u. to the world. They also provide suggestions for dealing with pain and ideas for managing with the day to day life. I really do love them. They also all understand.

On the flip side though..... I am sensing that Twitter is empowering me to give into more migraines and the ability to admit that I am feeling awful. Earlier in the week, as an example, I had a mediocre migraine, that I would have usually struggled through. I wonder if admitting and twittering about it, made it more in the forefront of my activities and that made it harder to deal with. If there was some way of measuring that, I am sure that thinking and writing about the fact that I had a headache enabled me to embrace it, for better or for worse. Give into the pain more readily. Does that even make sense?

Anyway, I am curious about others thoughts on this and would be open to others comments. Let me know how you feel about this if you are on twitter and are using this as a way to cope with chronic pain or illness. I know that I will be writing about this more as I use twitter more.

I look forward to following more people and getting to know more people on twitter in the mean time.

Self Medicating - Spironolactone, Topamax, Ciprolax Adventures on crack.....

I realize that I have suddenly self medicated myself. I visited the dermatologist the other day and my skin was so bad, and I was so upset that I just told him that I needed to take more of the meds of spironolactone. I had read online that some individuals take 200mg of it a day and had had results and I was only taking 100mg. He looked at me and said "but of course". Wham bam thank you mam. Had I known that it was going to be that easy, I would have started for asking for the drugs I wanted to have much earlier. Fast forward a week.......

I'm sitting in the neurologists office and i tell him that I am feeling so so, but I need more Topamax. We chat a bit about it. He asks me the usual questions and then started to write a script. Asked me how much Topamax I was taking a day and I said 2 and their you go. We've gone from 1.5 pills to 2 pills a day. I did my research, saw that the 200 mg would be better. He signed the script and there you go. I am no my way.

Both are certainly the right amount and I checked with the pharmacist, who is very good at all of the drug interactions and she was really helpful and assured me that it would remain the same.

What has been interesting on the side effects front, the effects of the Topamax with the memory loss and demotivation is back. Yuck! Hopefully the migraines are going farther away!!!!