Law & Order:Criminal Intent deals with Mental Health

I have always found that there is one TV show that deals with Mental Health relatively well and that is Law & Order: Criminal Intent, particularly the character Detective Robert Goren played by Vincent d'Onofrio.  Now it is widely known that I have a 'made for tv' crush on that particular character, but what has really caught my attention recently is his time spent in therapy.   In the show they portray his mother as a schizophrenic and the Detective deals with depression/anger issues and the fears of the  being alone/not able to manage a relationship.

Today I was watching a taped episode and at the end of the hour, Detective Goren meets with his therapist.  The clip above is perfect and I feel like I could be in his chair, asking the same questions of my therapist "Am I capable of a relationship?? A family?"  The therapist's response is classic therapy "Well, we could work towards that goal."  I'm sorry, but not only is that an infuriating response, but WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT MEAN????  How does that help?  It does not advance the therapy session at all.  It is one of those moments in any type of therapist, patient relationships where you just want to scream at the top of your lungs.  I am glad I was able to capture it, even badly with my iPhone.  I am also glad that a tv show is demonstrating some of the frustrations of mental health in an honest way.

A challenging month - the cipralex adventure continues

It has not been easy to do anything lately. If you have read my little "diary" before you know that I have suffered from chronic depression for a long time, probably 18 years and I am in one of the worst spaces I have been in a long time.  It is not easy to be in this place.  You find that you are trying to be a normal human being for those around you, yet the feeling of wanting to just stay in my apartment behind my door in my bed is overwhelming.  I find a lot of time is now being spent trying to justify my lack of activity and ability to do anything.  The fact that I just cant do anything somedays should be ok, shouldn't it???  Apparently not for some people.

Over the last 4-6 months my mental health has changed.  I have had episodes of mania.  Times when for 3-4 days I am so hyper that I dont sleep, I can't seem to get enought work done, I am uber productive, I cant seem to get enough done, I dont sleep etc.  I haven't' had a time like this in a while and think that I may be going crazy.  My anxiety/panic attacks have also increased.  I have general anxiety all the time but have had a series of panic attacks.  I am just such a tragic mess.  I have been so down lately, that it in not good.  Luckily I have found some good friends online through twitter, but have cut myself off from all of my friends in person.  I just can't deal with face to face with face to face interactions.

I have also become acutely aware of the fact that the drugs are not working well.  I have been taking cipralex for depression (30 mg) which is right at the perscription range and have started taking clonazepam for anxiety.  Waiting for a psychology consultation has been the hardest thing that I am doing.  I can't seem to get anyone to see me in a reasonable amount of time.  There just does not seem to be an answer to this.  Here I am going crazy and the first available appointment is June.  So here I sit, waiting.  Waiting. Waiting.   Lucky to have many friends that i know are out there, and are ok with me not calling them or being there right now.

If you really knew me...

Earlier this summer I watched a fascinating episode of Oprah (let me just be clear that I never watch Oprah, but I PVRed this one) on obese teenagers called "An Intervention for Obese Children". The teens were brought together with their parents/caregivers and 2 psychologists/social workers who helped them work through some of their issues. Why did I tape the episode you wonder? Because when I saw the preview a few days before hand, I was struck by similar feelings that I had had and have in my own life. Oprah had brought together 16 teens and it was a gut wrenching hour. You can read about the hour here on Oprah's website. It is worth the read, to see what these poor kids and teens are going through and what their families are going through.

As they were going through this process, I felt such a connection to so many of the things that they were saying. I am not 300 pounds, but I am overweight and have been for many years. Many of the issues that these teenagers face are the same ones that I have been facing for 20 years. How sad is that? I was so happy to see them starting to deal with them and at least talking about them.

One exercises that they did at the end of of the hour was an "If you really knew me..." exercises where parents and teenagers completed the sentence. They have documented the exercises here and I was in tears. There is so much about me that I have never documented out loud to anyone, especially my family. I started to make my "If you really knew me...." list. The safest place I know where to share it is here to start. I believe that by at least sharing it here, I will begin to process it slowly. Many of these things I have said before, but have not vocalized in a list. Some are petty, some are big, some are personal, some are ridiculous. What it is, is my list of things. They cannot be criticized, no one can say that they are not true. They are how I feel. Right or Wrong.

"If you really knew me, you would know that:

• i cannot budget
• i cannot look at myself naked in the mirror
• i love my sisters, but sometimes i am so jealous of one of them, i just want to hit her
• being told constantly that you are fat, will make you fat
• i have a shopping problem, because it fills a void
• i do not believe that i am worthy of being loved by a man
• i was not fat when my father started telling me i was when i was 4 yrs old
• i eat to rebel
• i need to buy people gifts and other things to ensure that they will like me
• i am more comfortable hanging around gay men, at least i am sure they won't be sexually attracted to me
• i really want a baby and a husband and a family of my own, more than anything
• i would do anything for my friends
• I will never be as smart, as successful, as pretty, as skinny, as perfect as my middle sister and she knows it, so does my father and my mother. they let me know it too.
• i will never be as smart, as successful, as pretty, as skinny, as perfect as my baby sister and she never makes me feel it. not once. she loves me unconditionally. she is the only one.
• i am really ashamed of myself
• i hate to look at myself in pictures, it captures how horrid i look
• most days, its easier to be funny Stephanie than serious Stephanie, people don't get too close that way
• i can't handle life without two little white pills a day apparently
• i used to think about taking my life often without these little white pills, it would have relieved a lot of shame and stress on a lot of people
• i used to eat in private in my bedroom in high school, forget drugs, food was more painful rebellion tool for my parents. You can't hide weight in public.
• I have been sad for a very long time. as long as i can remember.
• i think that buying great clothes, shoes, handbags, having awesome hair etc. will hide the fact that i am fat. it hasn't worked so far
• my parents are ashamed of me. i think that it would be easier if i was a drug addict. at least they could hide that. ship me off somewhere to deal with it. This is always out there. I am always fat, it is always when we are in photos, when we are out as a family. It make my mother nauseous and my father angry. They do not really love me unconditionally.
• i have not really dated in a long time. i do not think that men will find this attractive and what would i do if they did? be happy?
• i am happier being miserable than happy i think. it is what i am used to.
• i am very angry about so many things but can't express it. i worry what will happen if i open that can of anger.
• i will deal with mental illness for my whole life, just as generations of my family has before me. i will be aware of it and manage it to the best of my ability

Unfortunately, this is the list as it stands. I know that it will grow, but I feel good about this start. It is negative, but that is the point i think in my thinking. If I had meant it to be positive, it would have been a different list. Many of them are weight related, but this is where my head was given the topic and the thoughts around it. Anyway there it is.

Happy Father's Day

As it is Father's day today, I thought that it would only be appropriate to write a little something about my own father. It is such a tough relationship for daughters, at least i find it tough. I live in the shadow of the father-daughter relationship. I am spending many hours in therapy working through the relationship I have with him. I wanted to spend some time looking at the things that I am thankful for from him and also some of the things that I am struggling with.

For starters, Pops, some of the things that I will forever be grateful for:

• For teaching me that family is number one.
• For being overly generous with his family
• For being loyal to a fault with friends and family
• For spoiling me with travel,
• For imparting an excellent sense of style and fashion
• For making me a shopaholic (maybe this is a negative)
• For sharing a similar sense of humour as me
• For being the most honest person I know

Now to the list that I am working through, the things that I wish you had never taught me, or made me believe:

• Men will never love a girl who does not have a perfect size 8, or a smaller, models body.
• The only kind of work to be valued is the work that you are paid for.
• That it is more important to be skinny than to be happy
• For being so selfish to my mother and my family at times
• For not understanding mental health and thinking that it is not a real disease
• For not following the cardinal father rule of loving your children unconditionally
• For being so openly proud of my sisters and not feeling the same way about me
• For being so controlling, in the past and even today of my life

At the end of the day, I know that he loves me and that he would do anything for me. My parents are wonderful and they have tried their best to raise the best children possible. I have also come to accept that with all their good intentions, they have fucked up on a bunch of fronts. As the eldest, it appears that I am the one that is having to work through these issues. I understand that it is bigger than me and it is bigger than something that I can handle on my own. I also understand that it is hindering me meeting some of my core long term goals, most importantly having a family of my own. For that reason I am working with a psychotherapist to work through these and break away from them.

I love you dad. You were a wonderful father! I have some issues to work through, but at the end of the day, I know that you were doing what you thought was best. Too bad, it wasn't what was best for me.

The dilema of making my life work

i was on twitter this week "tweeting" with a fellow migraine/depression sufferer and she was indicating that she was frustrated with the state of her apartment and the mess that it was in. I sympathize greatly with her. Between the migraines, the drugs, the depression, work and life, I cannot do it all. I realized this week that my apartment is a mess. It is a bloody mess. It is the kind of mess that I don't want to have people over kind of mess.

I am used to being cluttered. I am a pack rat you see. I hoard lots of things. I like stuff. I like chatchkas. i would love to live a minimalist life in a loft with nothing but white furniture and a pendant lamp of fabulousness, but that is not going to happen. I collect things - hats, shoes, costume jewellery, handbags, etc. These things take up space, hence I have shit.

One thing I have never been is dirty. I am not dirty. I am OCD clean. My floors you could eat off, my counters you could lick, you could walk around in white socks and they would stay white! What has happened with my latest round of depression and migraines is that I haven't been able to keep it up. It is disgusting. I can't even stand my own mess. I noticed when I got home from Miami that my bathroom floor was dirty. It was not that I did not want to clean it up, or did not want a clean floor, or desire it more than anything, but where was the energy to do it going to come from. Who was going to get me to do it and why??? I have no one to clean for except myself and that is not really high on the priority list right now. I noticed that my carpet needs a good vacuum, my kitchen floor needs a good scrub, were those dust bunnies in the corners of my hallway?? yes, for the first time in my life they are. I just don't have the energy to do it all. how and when is this going to get done? it is an interesting question when all i really want to do is crawl up in front of the t.v. or in bed and hide from the world or from myself.

I once told a friend of mine who was looking particularly ragged and like she had given up on her appearance that maybe it was a sign that she was just giving up on her own happiness. I wonder if my apartment being in total disarray means that my life is really in total disarray? it does feel like I am spinning out of control a bit to much lately. Avoiding everything a bit too much for everyones goods really - my weight, my health, my finances, my work, my life - maybe it's all manifesting visually in my apartment.

To work, to volunteer, to manage my life, to play well with others, to put on the brave face of survival, is a lot right now. I wonder if I will be able to wash a floor or pull out the vacuum this weekend. Here's hoping.

A break through or Education of a Therapist?

As any of you know who have been following my much neglected blog, you know two things about me a. I have chronic migraines, b. I work with a psychotherapist, E, to help with a bunch of issues and chronic depression.

Recently I have been working with E on a number of issues dealing with my parents, as you do when you are in therapy. The joys of psychotherapists is that they do force you to deal with all sorts of things that you really don't want to deal with and this manifests with you not liking to go to see them even though you now it will help you. I have found that through out the years that I have been working with E, both of these things have happened. E tells me my avoidance of the issues has come out through me being late for appointments, rescheduling, missing (only happened twice) and having migraines on the days when we are supposed to meet.

Now let me be clear, I agree that I do not like facing issues head on, I hate it. I hate confrontation. I hate the fact that I know in my head that my parents did some things that were so wrong when I was growing up that has seriously affected me and who I am, but in my heart I know that they did it because they thought it was best for me and came from a place of love. This, as I have recently come to accept does not excuse the behaviour and I have to learn to get angry at them for this to start to heal.

It is not ok Mother and Father, that I believe that I will never be loved and am not deserving of love by anyone, and that I will never be good enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, or smart enough because I am FAT, no matter how skinny I am. No one could ever love me, because of who I am. I should just accept that I am the daughter that is excellent with children, but will never have any, the one that will have many friends, but never anyone to truly love her and marry her, the one that can do all the volunteer work and excel at her "own work", but just remember that it is never as good or as valued as the work of the other sisters, and please continue to do the sports that we don't do, swim, walk, be creative, but let us remember that there is fault in the fact that you are not competitive and do not want to be number 1, that you cannot hit a baseball, do not want to run a marathon, do not want to kick a soccer ball and do not want to throw yourself down a hill on a bike in a race all makes you less than the rest of us and not worthy of praise or value. And please remember that I am the one that is the disappointment for you and that my flaws for you are not things that you can hide. I am not an alcoholic that you can ship to Betty Ford for an "extended vacay" and i would be fixed, but rather you have to look at me, your friends have to see the failure that is your eldest, fat, single, unwed, daughter. For all these things I should be angry with you and I am trying.

One of the interesting things that happens with therapy is transference of emotion. I found myself last after our last session getting very very angry with E. I really like E and want to have an excellent relationship with E. I have had such a rough time with my migraines over the last few months and was so angry that E kept dismissing them as a reason that I was avoiding coming to see E. E was acting like I had control over them and that I could tell my body and my head when and where to attack. That I had control over this evil beast. I do not. For anyone that suffers from migraines or a chronic condition such as IBS, Crones, Colitis etc. they know that although stress can trigger an attack, it cannot cause a chronic condition. I do believe that they can help contribute to more migraines and more intense attacks, but I do not believe that i have it within me to decide when and where my migraines come on.

When we met on Thursday last week, I was irate by the time I got there. I had let myself get into such a state. I was near tears. Here was an individual that I trusted and was working with, who dismissed my health in such a way that was so disrespectful and plain mean. I let it all out. I told her how I felt. I let it all out. Some of the main points that I made were:

• explained that these migraines were a huge part of my existence and I needed E to be on the same page as me, so that we could continue our work together
• told E that I felt devalued in my health and as a human when she dismissed them as a "reason" not to see her
• expressed that I was so angry that she did not treat them as a real illness, and if I'd come in with a visible illness I'd have gotten more respect
• told E that I only wish that I had the control that she thinks that I have over the control of my migraines

By this time of course I was in tears, and very worked up. I already had a migraine (shocking, I know) and was exhausted, so I was just happy to get it out. I was also happy to take the opportunity to educate her a bit on how I felt. I don't know if she really understands, but I know that she will be speaking to her therapist and others about chronic illness affecting her patients.

I also felt like our relationship went to the next level. I trusted her to have this conversation and she is still there and not abandoning me. I think that one a deeper level this was a good learning as I start to explore being angry with others in my life and what that is like. As one who is very controlled and hates confrontation, this is a big step. I don't remember the last time I was angry like this.

To anyone that's made me angry, be forewarned.....

Can I just stay under the covers?

It's been a rough month. I don't know how to say it any other way. I feel like crawling under the covers and not coming out. I am not sure what to do about it. I have not felt this down in a really long time. I am not happy. This is not good. Yes, its partially the weather, but as my psychotherapist has been working with me to understand is that I have to not focus on the outside, but focus on the internal. So yes the weather is crappy, cold, awfulness, but this should not make me so miserable, should it??? No, there are other factors in play. When I start to list them I realize that many of them are on the external:

- hard economic times - external
- weather - external
- recluses - internal, but why?

and so what is causing this? I'm on the hunt. I'll let you know as soon as I find out. Anyone have any thoughts???

A bit out of touch lately.....

I am sorry little blog that I have been a bit out of touch lately. I have been having a bit of the winter blues. I am so sick of the cold and the snow and did I mention the cold? I have been hibernating indoors, not talking to anyone, crawling under the covers and not wanting to get out. I am Debbie Downer these days. I think also the fact that I work in an office alone is not helping. This is not good, not good at all. No amount of Cipralex is going to help right around now. Maybe I need some sun and a beach? I could also use some serious motivation.

The Inheritance of Mental Health

I was watching Law and Order: Special Victims Unit and it has really brought home a lot very sad things for me and some things that have proven to be very hurtful. The whole episode was about on of the detectives dealing with their daughter having bi-polar and the issues that he faces around dealing with it after having grown up with a mother who is bi-polar and didn't deal with it.

What I have come to understand about my own chronic depression is that it is very isolating. I come from a family that does not speak about their feelings, does not share how they are truly doing, tries to portray the perfect image on the outside, while everything may be going crazy below the surface.

I do know that my paternal grandmother was not a well woman and from all the stories I hear about her, not only was she like me in so many ways, but she also had many of the similar "quirks" that I do. Heaven forbid anyone calls them mental illness, but my father does identify things sometimes like her not getting out of bed for long periods of time, her sadness, her anger, her general manic and depressive moods. Sound familiar??? How I wish that I had her to speak to now. It would be a confidant and someone that would actually understand.

On my maternal side, it's a whole lot of skeletons in closets. Maternal grandmother-alcoholic, uncle - alcoholic and drug addict as well as bipolar, aunt - manic depressive and just heard that she had a nervous breakdown. All in all a good well of potential gene hell. We don't talk to any of them either... so moving on.

I know that my youngest sister has not the most stable history. I don't think that she is considered anything other than a bad period of 6 months of depression a few years ago and has not had any other serious episodes. I think though that the few times we have chatted about it, she is aware that she doesn't want to feel that way again and is aware of that period in her life.

Anyway, it would be so great to be open with my family about the stuff that is going on with me, but it will never happen. They would be shocked to know that I take a little happy pill every day to be able to get up and function in the morning - Cipralex, and that I am in some serious psychotherapy. Not to mention a back up panic attack med. You'd think that it would be something that would be so easy to talk to people that are so close to you. Mental illness is a sign of weakness for my family. If only I wasn't so sure they would be so ashamed. One day, I am sure it will come out and they will be appalled.

The Cipralex Adventure Continues

ca continue....... I've upped the cipralex and still not feeling as good as I would like to. I want to feel better. I need to feel better. I have to feel better. I must get fixed. I am at 15 mg, but may up to 20mg in a month. I am going to give this a go at this level and then see what happens. I have to give it more of a chance really. We shall see. I'm hoping that the Cipralex Adventure has a good, fairytale, happy ending. Baby step stowards that, baby steps......

The sister saga and my mental health

This weekend was very difficult for this princess. I spent it up at my parents summer house and yes there was much talk about the baby. Actually all talk about the baby. I'm fed up with it. I know that I should be over the moon happy, but I am not. I am not over the moon happy. I am happy for her. I think that she is obscenely lucky and am extremely frustrated with her at times as she doesn't see it. Anyway, I don't want to talk about it all the time. The weekend was continuing on as they do when it is freezing cold and raining. Lots of movie watching, sleeping and Wii playing and everyone was relaxing. As this trolled along and we were thinking about leaving on Monday afternoon, my sister approached me in the sun room and the conversation ensued:

her: Why are you not happy about the baby?
me: I am happy about the baby
her: you are not, I know you and you are more happy for your friends having babies
me: I am happy for you X. what do you want me to do to show you that?
her: I think that intellectually you know that you should be happy about it, but your not
me: that's bullshit
her: it is not, your so angry.....

and on and on and on........

Basically some key finding came out from her about me:

• she thinks that she does not know me because I lie and I don't let her in (I told her that I think that she really does not want to know me and probably would not like the real me)
• she thinks that I am angry at everyone and that it is lieing right under the surface of everything and everyone just tip toes around me (bullshit, just angry myself)
• she thinks that I don't talk to anyone and that I bottle it all up and ignore it (true enough, but I am dealing with a psychotherapy, she doesn't know that, but I would consider that dealing with it head on)
• She thinks that I have been unhappy for her whole memory ( I would agree, its been about probably 18 - 20 years, she's about 28, that would be her known memories)
• she thinks that I think that none of them will understand, but that they really just want to help me, and do what they can so that I am happy ( I think that this is crap, they want to help me so that I am skinny and I fit into their perfect little family)
• the only thing she can see in me is my weight (I tried to explain to her that I am so much more than that, she just says that that is all that she sees and it is the symptom of my unhappiness.)
• she thinks that if I lost weight I would be happier ( I would like to state that I am not an elephant. I am bigger than the average woman, but I wear a size 16-18 not 28)
• she thinks that I think her life is easy ( I explained that I did not think that. I thought that she worked harder than any of us, but that she was also blessed with a lot of luck and every time that she says that she works hard, I feel like it is like I do not deserve anything, because I do not work hard.)
• she harked on about me not being excited, not asking her about the pregnancy, not being excited for her etc. ( I told her that just wasn't true, but could she not see that this might be hard for me???? Could she not find some empathy in herself to understand that???? Does she not get it?????)

It is quite obvious that she just doesn't f+++ing get my life. I also am acutely aware that I have a life also that I need to figure out. I cannot allow myself to be fully consumed with this baby. I need to figure out how I am going to have my own baby, how I am going to find my own prince charming, how this is all going to work out. I am terrified.

Anyway, I have been crying since yesterday afternoon. With my other sister and one of my closest friends living across the pond and also my best friend I feel very alone. I don't really have anyone here. I could not get out of bed this morning until about 11 am this morning. Thank god I had my client out at a golf tournament today. I am scared for my mental state.........

Apologies

It has been a long time since I have been here and written and much to my surprise I miss it. I have been having a rough couple of weeks with having finally committed to taking an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety drug - Cipralex. I have found that my body and mind feels slightly out of wack. I know that it will take a while for it to really start working. I have found so far that my major side effect is that I have been overheating a bit too much which has lead to a lot of sweating. Its a bit gross and I am not enjoying the sweating, but am committed to making it work. I can't wait to start feeling a bit better. As I understand it, I will not feel "up" all the time, but rather the ups and downs will even out a bit. The other thing that I am counting on is that I start to feel less anxious and that I start sleeping a bit more. Here's hoping........

Cipralex - an aid perhaps????

i did it. after many years of being an on again, off again, state of depression, i met with my doctor today, and under the advice of my therapist and the doctor, i am going to go on an anit-depressant - Cipralex.

cipralex is an anti-anxiety, anti-depression, anti-OCD drug. how fantastic. it fits all my three areas of issue - most importantly the depression and anxiety. it also can be taken safely with Topamax, which i think that i will start taking after my next visit with the neurologist. Topamax is a proactive drug used to treat migraines. i have decided to go on it also. i can't wait to get all this under control.

apparently it takes 2-4 weeks for the cipralex to start working, so i looking forward to it. side effects are apparently the worst at the beginning. i'll let you know how it goes.

only down side that i know of currently is that can't take my reactionary migraine meds for now - axert, without a slew of weird side effects. the pharmacist recommended that i make sure that i am at home if i have a migraine where i need to take it. i am going to try and avoid it if i can. the thought of muscle spasm, quivering etc. makes me nervous......

"In Treatment"

I have been watching "In Treatment" this morning. for those of you who don't know, "in treatment" is a fantastic show about therapy. premise of the show is that there is a therapist who treats, I think 5, patients. I have only watched 3 episodes and so far we have one woman who has transference of love to the therapist and is cheating on her fiance, one man who is a marine -on leave- after killing a school full of Iranian children on a mission and one girl who is probably supposed to be 15 and is a gymnast who is trying to kill herself.

It is shockingly realistic. The sessions and the interaction of the therapist and the patients is remarkably familiar to me and reminds me of my own experiences in psychoanalysis/therapy. Just as I get frustrated with my therapist when she stares at me and won't say anything, so to do the patients on the t.v., they all struggle with his role and their role and how it all melds together, the expectations that they place on themselves and on the therapist to get the most bang for their buck, the uncomfortableness of the whole experience, the resistance to wanting to go into the depths of your inner self and face the things that are painful and difficult and that you don't want to face yourself...... so familiar its scary.

It is brilliantly written and so so so good. I am thoroughly enjoying that I get to see that the perception of someone else's view into the world of therapy is close to perfectly my own.

Feeling much much better about psychoanalysis

My last post about my "meetings" with my therapist was not, I'll be the first to admit, the most positive. I was angry and was not looking forward to going at all!!!! Anyway, I have had two more "sessions" since then and all is on the up swing. I had two quite lovely chats and I don't hate her anymore. I understand that she is just there to help me, although usually I don't want to have help and certainly don't want to talk about why I don't want help!

Today was terribly interesting as I slept horribly last night and so was in a rut this morning. Didn't feel like even being there, not to mention that when I did sleep I had very weird dreams.... the joys. I dreamt this morning that I had met a friend of mine J who was dating someone else at the time. I owned a huge mansion up north on a lake that had a bizarre staircase that was cut off in the middle of the great big entrance way. Literally there were 4-5 steps at the top, attached to the 2nd floor landing and then nothing, not even a ladder (I'm sure that staircases have some weird reference for those that analyse dreams. Will need to look it up.) Anyway, after J and I spent the afternoon together at this mansion, he left and returned to tell me that he had left his girlfriend and only wanted to be with me. We held hands forever and kissed and had a nap on the couch. Now get your mind out of the gutter, we did not have sex, at least it was not part of the dream, but I have to say I loved the physical contact part of the dream and ended up waking up craving it and feeling very alone. As I said to my therapist, it was the holding hands in the dream that made me loose my breath and even now makes me loose my breath. (As some background, J is a lovely, nice, fabulous boy who is married to A, neither of which I have seen in probably a year. Not to mention that she is expecting their first baby. I don't understand why he was in my dream. I think that he is lovely, but I would never call him, e-mail him or contact him. He is just a random friend that I know. Very very very weird)

I did spend the whole hour talking about this this morning and crying about the lack of physical contact in my life. Apparently "I am doing great and letting my emotions out in a "safe" place with her'. If she only knew that I could cry a million times more in her office if I really faced my emotions and didn't avoid them. Lord knows I have been on the verge every time I see her......

The trials and tribulations of therapy

I have been seeing a life coach for 2 years now and over the last two months,our relationship has changed and she is now my therapist. Long boring story how it all happened. Anyway, I am now going to her twice a week and I have found that I am not enjoying the visits. I don't want to talk about my feelings anymore. I don't want to have someone continually asking me "What do you mean by INTERESTING?" I mean that it is interesting. A whole half an hour yesterday talking about what the work interesting means to me. Give me a break. Yes I use it a lot with her. Usually to get her to leave me alone. I am really starting to resent this whole thing. Not to mention that I am paying for this torture!!!

I know that it is good for me and will help me with some of the things that I want to do with my life, but really, I don't want to tell her anymore anything. I don't want to see her. Its draining and exhausting and I am not liking it. Is that alright??? I wish I could cancel her forever. I am done with it. Done. I wonder if there is anyway to get out of it. Probably not. And in classic therapist language "Would that serve me well?" "NO, but I don't fucking care right now!"

Questioning recognition

so i was just awarded a number of awards at my firm this week. it was really nice to win all of the loot, but i also feel guilty. first of all, i do not think that i deserve all of them. two of the awards were for the success of two projects i was on, but it was really others that made them successful not me. one of the projects i really messed up and the other i am not proud of the work that i did.

anyway, i am just feeling like i don't deserve it. i can't explain it. i just feel like i don't deserve it. it feels like they are false recognition for the work that others did. maybe this all goes back to my lack of ability to accept praise - its easier to be a failure for me. people expect less of me. its easier when they are angry or disappointed in me.

i meet with my psychoanalyst tonight and today, maybe that is the topic for the that session. I always feel like I need to have a topic, an idea, something to talk about. I know that this is not the point to therapy and that you are supposed to just go in and speak about whatever, or apparently not speak. I guess that I am just used to the coaching relationship that we used to have. I used to have to pay for her to talk to me about what I needed help with and now we speak about what is deep in my mind......blah, blah, blah..... i think that it will take some time to come to terms with. i'm working on it though. at least i know i have something to talk about today.............

Flying solo - evaluating a night out

well i did it. i went to the event on Thursday on my own. It was a dinner in support of homeless youth. Three courses and each course we changed places so that you were sitting beside different people. It unfortunately took 4 hours for me to get home from my clients and I was an hour and 45 minutes late. It was fine. I survived. I more than survived. I did o.k. It was fine a couple of the men were total jerks and idiots, but all in all I am glad I did it. I met with my psychoanalyst/life coach today and we talked about that night. Some of the things that I garnered from that conversation and the evening were:

• I am out of practice. It has been a long time since I have been to something where I don't know anyone. It was good to be aware that I have to do this more often. This is the only way that I am going to meet anyone new.
• I found it slightly difficult to facilitate the conversation at times and I have to figure out what people want to talk about. I am a very well read, intelligent woman. I read two papers a day, have an exciting job, love the volunteer work that I do and am generally quite intelligent. I did find it hard to find things to say. There must be a list of conversation starters on the web somewhere. Must find it.
• I was quickly dismissive. It is not a great thing. I didn't give people a chance. I would meet them and quickly become disinterested. Why??? I am not anything great, why would I dismiss people so quickly. Do I think that I am better than anyone else???
• The men I met were fine. Maybe fine is fine. I am not sure.
• I was much more comfortable sitting in the back seat. My little sister and her beautiful friend joined us for a drink at the end of the night and they held court with the boys. I was happy to laugh at them and take on the usual role of supportive big sister.Attention was off of me and onto them. i would like to know why I don't have the ability to do that flirty thing that they do. I know that part of it is that I do not look like them and men don't find me attractive, but really. I am a smart, fabulous woman. In the words of someone who is so much younger than me WTF???
• I don't know how to flirt. Its true. Never have learnt. Need to take lessons. don't have the jean. Never have.
• There were two men that I thought were potentially interesting. One was a cutie and super nice but was quite obviously not interested in me. The other was a nice boy, and usually I would not be interested as I wasn't attracted to him. However as someone pointed out afterwards, he is 40, not married, no children, about to sell his company for multi millions (on a non-superficial level I know that this is not supposed to matter, but who are we kidding if it doesn't) and is actively trying to give back to the community. He also wants kiddies. I am all over that. However he was an appalling dresser, I was not attracted to him at all.....Maybe that grows on you and I just need to give him a chance. I think that I will consider e-mailing him.................who knows.

Anyway that is just the beginning of the analysis of the evening. I think that I will have to come up with the 5 things that I am going to do to help these situations. we'll see.

Psychoanalysis - The beginning of the begining

I've been working with a Life Coach for close to two years now and I love her. She has really helped me to focus on my life and goals and manage all of the difficult people in my life. We have spent some time looking at why I am the way that I am etc. but nothing too in-depth. I have always thought of it as different from therapy as it does not intend on focusing on the past, but rather acknowledges the past and focuses on moving on with the future.

Anyway, about 6 months ago, I slumped into a state of depression (I go in and out, have since I was 18 yrs old. Nothing too serious, however still not totally mentally healthy.). Life Coach of course noticed instantly when I was in a funk for a while and asked me if I was ok. I told her no and that I needed to do something about it (It always takes about 6 weeks of really being down for me to come to that realization. You think that I would know by now and recognize it earlier!!). So LC told me that she thought that I should go on some drugs (agreed) and that I should consider working with her for the next year as she works towards her Psychoanalyst designation. I really like her, we already have the trust and I think that this is her calling. After much deliberation and also understanding of how it would work. LC works with a mentor (one of the top Psychotherapists in Toronto) and we tape all of our sessions that LC's mentor then listens too for advice etc. I feel like I have 2 psychoanalysts now. I have agreed to work with her for a year and we shall see. I see her twice a week for 45 minutes a session. So far so good. More details as they become known to me. I think that once I've wrapped my head around my goals of this, it will serve me well to write them down here.