so i was just awarded a number of awards at my firm this week. it was really nice to win all of the loot, but i also feel guilty. first of all, i do not think that i deserve all of them. two of the awards were for the success of two projects i was on, but it was really others that made them successful not me. one of the projects i really messed up and the other i am not proud of the work that i did.
anyway, i am just feeling like i don't deserve it. i can't explain it. i just feel like i don't deserve it. it feels like they are false recognition for the work that others did. maybe this all goes back to my lack of ability to accept praise - its easier to be a failure for me. people expect less of me. its easier when they are angry or disappointed in me.
i meet with my psychoanalyst tonight and today, maybe that is the topic for the that session. I always feel like I need to have a topic, an idea, something to talk about. I know that this is not the point to therapy and that you are supposed to just go in and speak about whatever, or apparently not speak. I guess that I am just used to the coaching relationship that we used to have. I used to have to pay for her to talk to me about what I needed help with and now we speak about what is deep in my mind......blah, blah, blah..... i think that it will take some time to come to terms with. i'm working on it though. at least i know i have something to talk about today.............
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