Happy Father's Day

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"So you're the Unsuccessful One"

It is a small world.  I recently realized that one of the new volunteers that I have been working with at the Winnie Client is the brother of a good family friend, Mrs. S.  The S's are very good family friends of my parents and I grew up with them in the summers.  As children, we spent the summer weekends on a 40 foot boat crusing the waterways of Ontario with them.  They know myself and my family very well.

My volunteer spent an hour on the phone with his sister getting all the gossip on my family and me today and when I saw him this afternoon, the first comment out of his mouth was "So you're the unsuccessful one".  It took every bone in my body not to burst into tears once I absorbed what he had actually said.

I have two very successful sisters; one is an investment banker and at 25 is gorgeous, brilliant, seriously dating a private equity guru and is slowly taking over the world; the other is 30, a stay at home mother, but a corporate lawyer has 6 degrees including an MBA and JD, is skinny and a marathon runner, married to an investment banker who makes a fortune, and has a baby. 

I can never measure up to them.  I am not married or dating anyone seriously, I am not skinny, I am not an investment banker or a corporate lawyer or gorgeous, I do not run marathons, I will never be those things.

What was most upsetting about this comment though, was that it came from the grapevine.  Not only did it come from the opinions of Mrs and Mr S over the years of spending time with my family and my sibilings, but it came from the information that they were being fed from my parents.  Just what do they tell their friends about "the Unsuccessful One"?  What do they really think?

It has made the day very hard to swallow.

Lots of love,
The Unsuccessful One

Happy Father's Day

As it is Father's day today, I thought that it would only be appropriate to write a little something about my own father. It is such a tough relationship for daughters, at least i find it tough. I live in the shadow of the father-daughter relationship. I am spending many hours in therapy working through the relationship I have with him. I wanted to spend some time looking at the things that I am thankful for from him and also some of the things that I am struggling with.

For starters, Pops, some of the things that I will forever be grateful for:

• For teaching me that family is number one.
• For being overly generous with his family
• For being loyal to a fault with friends and family
• For spoiling me with travel,
• For imparting an excellent sense of style and fashion
• For making me a shopaholic (maybe this is a negative)
• For sharing a similar sense of humour as me
• For being the most honest person I know

Now to the list that I am working through, the things that I wish you had never taught me, or made me believe:

• Men will never love a girl who does not have a perfect size 8, or a smaller, models body.
• The only kind of work to be valued is the work that you are paid for.
• That it is more important to be skinny than to be happy
• For being so selfish to my mother and my family at times
• For not understanding mental health and thinking that it is not a real disease
• For not following the cardinal father rule of loving your children unconditionally
• For being so openly proud of my sisters and not feeling the same way about me
• For being so controlling, in the past and even today of my life

At the end of the day, I know that he loves me and that he would do anything for me. My parents are wonderful and they have tried their best to raise the best children possible. I have also come to accept that with all their good intentions, they have fucked up on a bunch of fronts. As the eldest, it appears that I am the one that is having to work through these issues. I understand that it is bigger than me and it is bigger than something that I can handle on my own. I also understand that it is hindering me meeting some of my core long term goals, most importantly having a family of my own. For that reason I am working with a psychotherapist to work through these and break away from them.

I love you dad. You were a wonderful father! I have some issues to work through, but at the end of the day, I know that you were doing what you thought was best. Too bad, it wasn't what was best for me.

New Year's Resolutions

I hate resolutions. When I was a child (up until very recently actually!) my father, about a week ago at this time of year, would get this twinkle in his eye. Usually when we were cornered at the dinner table and not able to escape. He would pull out the file folder with all of our past resolutions. We would look at the ones from years past and reflect on how many of them we had not met and how many were repeated.

Imagine being 8 years old and seeing that on your list for the last 3 years had been to loose weight and he (my father) didn't feel that the 8 year old in front of him had done that well. "Why not??" he would ask. What I should have answered was "Because I am FUCKING 8 YEARS OLD, THAT'S WHY FUCKING NOT!!!!!!" But no, it would be added onto the next years list only to be revisited the next year and the next year and the next year and the next..........................

nightmare.

did he really think that this was good for me??? He must have. He is so focused on self improvement. "YOU ARE NEVER GOOD ENOUGH. YOU CAN ALWAYS IMPROVE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS BE STRIVING TO DO BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" WTF???? No wonder I have so many issues with being happy with myself on a day to day basis. I was a child. A child who was not fat, who was smart, who was a kind and nice child, but that was not good enough. never good enough.

this is why I hate resolutions. He had the Gaul to ask me at dinner on Saturday if I had "thought about my New Year's Resolutions this year. It is that time of year you know?" I wanted to reply "No I had no FUCKING idea that it is the end of 2007 and that my life is a bloody mess and yes it needs to change and that would be a good start making a list." Instead a calmly said "I am 31 years old, I do not need to tell you what I am doing with my resolutions. Did you bring your stupid folder so that we can reflect on how badly I have done in the last year?" That shut him up pretty quickly.

I hate this time of year for that reason. Reflection and planning. Hate it. That being said. I may have a list of resolutions. Just maybe. I will not however force anyone to revisit my failures next year and every year after......Actually, my first resolution may be to learn to be happy with who I am everyday. That might be a good place to start.............