New Year's Resolutions

I hate resolutions. When I was a child (up until very recently actually!) my father, about a week ago at this time of year, would get this twinkle in his eye. Usually when we were cornered at the dinner table and not able to escape. He would pull out the file folder with all of our past resolutions. We would look at the ones from years past and reflect on how many of them we had not met and how many were repeated.

Imagine being 8 years old and seeing that on your list for the last 3 years had been to loose weight and he (my father) didn't feel that the 8 year old in front of him had done that well. "Why not??" he would ask. What I should have answered was "Because I am FUCKING 8 YEARS OLD, THAT'S WHY FUCKING NOT!!!!!!" But no, it would be added onto the next years list only to be revisited the next year and the next year and the next year and the next..........................

nightmare.

did he really think that this was good for me??? He must have. He is so focused on self improvement. "YOU ARE NEVER GOOD ENOUGH. YOU CAN ALWAYS IMPROVE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS BE STRIVING TO DO BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" WTF???? No wonder I have so many issues with being happy with myself on a day to day basis. I was a child. A child who was not fat, who was smart, who was a kind and nice child, but that was not good enough. never good enough.

this is why I hate resolutions. He had the Gaul to ask me at dinner on Saturday if I had "thought about my New Year's Resolutions this year. It is that time of year you know?" I wanted to reply "No I had no FUCKING idea that it is the end of 2007 and that my life is a bloody mess and yes it needs to change and that would be a good start making a list." Instead a calmly said "I am 31 years old, I do not need to tell you what I am doing with my resolutions. Did you bring your stupid folder so that we can reflect on how badly I have done in the last year?" That shut him up pretty quickly.

I hate this time of year for that reason. Reflection and planning. Hate it. That being said. I may have a list of resolutions. Just maybe. I will not however force anyone to revisit my failures next year and every year after......Actually, my first resolution may be to learn to be happy with who I am everyday. That might be a good place to start.............