I am trying to manage my own expectations for myself and for my weekend. I have a lot going on this weekend and I am tired and excited and happy that I have pushed myself to be social. My life lately has not been social and so I am trying to push myself to go out. It is an interesting process to go from the person who knows everyone to the person who knows everyone yet wants to do nothing. I find it very difficult. So I am setting small goals.
This weekend I am subdividing my weekend into bits and pieces. Smaller goals, rather than one big goal of JUST BEING MORE SOCIAL! Things like I will go out on Saturday night. I will have coffee with someone other than myself this weekend. I will go for a walk with friends. Baby steps towards happiness....Baby steps towards not being so devastatingly lonely....
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
Friday, March 11, 2011
Friday, December 31, 2010
#NextYearIWill
Huffington Post did a who article on resolutions called "Next Year I Will". I ended up writing a bunch of my own tweet that went with the theme. Here is the list for 2011:
- #nextyeariwill pack a lunch for work the majority of days in a week #2011
- #nextyeariwill force myself to be more social, even when i don't feel up to it #2011
- #nextyeariwill remember that my illness is not who i am, does not define what i do and is not a label that i wear #mhsm #bipolar
- #nextyeariwill define my boundaries so that i can lead a healthy and successful life under my own rules #mhsm #2011
- #nextyeariwill be a contributing member of society #2011 #mhsm
- #nextyeariwill lead a life of integrity (professionally, physically/health, socially and personally) #2011
- #nextyeariwill not be so hard on myself #2011
- #nextyeariwill go to spend time w #londonsis in London #2011
- #nextyeariwill eat breakfast every week day #2011
- #nextyeariwill be happier #2011
- #nextyeariwill focus on self-care (thanks @johnlepp ) #2011
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Bipolar Disorder Monster taking one more thing - Babies
As anyone who has read my blog, follows me on Twitter, knows me in person or knows anyone of my family or friends, knows that I have an instant connection to children. I have since I was a child myself. The 4 yr old that would "babysit" the babies in the room, the one girl/woman that was always asking to hold the babies when they were/are around and someone who has always wanted more than anything to be a mother. One of my closest friends RT used to call me MIT "Mother in Training" in highschool, a clear indication of what was to come for me, or so I thought.
So here I am. 34 yrs old. Single. Sick. Diagnosed bipolar aka crazy. Unemployed. All forcing a re-evaluation on life. One think that this year has taught me is that there is likely no way that I will be able to have a child on my own. I always said that if I was 35 and alone, I would have a baby on my own. It is not, and has never been the ideal option, but it was a viable option. I was a responsible and good person who could have managed a child on my own. I have friends who have had babies on their own. It was not easy, but they have managed and are so thankful for the experience. They did not plan their lives in the hopes of doing it on their own, but they come to an age where they had no one in their lives and realized it was a now or never time for having a baby. Something they always wanted, much like myself.
I believe and think that I am know not able to handle the responsibility and the pressure of a child on my own while managing a bipolar disorder. The stress and responsibility will likely be too much for me to handle on my own while managing my disease and not doing harm to myself and others.
I have also read and learnt that many mental health illnesses including bipolar disorder are passed down from generation to generation. I wonder if past generations of my family had experience with mental illness? I know that there has been some talk of relitves being "crazy" or having addictions, both signs of mental health issues. Do I want to pass down this disease to another generation?? Is it fair to do that?? Would I want anyone to go through this?? I know that some of my friends who are dealing with bipolar disorder have decided that they are not having children because of the fact that they risk passing it down to the next generation. What to do? What to do?
I realize that this declaration of my not being able to have a child on my own means that I will only have to find someone stable enough to want to have a child with me. Well it sounds easy enough, but who wants to be with the person who is certifably crazy, unemployed, fat, did I mention crazy??? And that that person will want to put at risk their offspring with my genetic pool of Russian Roulette for mental illness. I had a hard enough time finding men who wanted to date me when i wasn't crazy.
Maybe this is the universes way of telling me that the one thing that I want more than anything is something that I just won't be good at, or can't handle - being a mother. Goodness knows that apparently if you are a teenager you can have a baby, but not if you are me. Not if you have played by the rules, been safe, waited until you tried to find someone so that you could make a stable family, with a mother and a father who are good role models. Nope, I had to get sick and everything had to fall apart. Yet another thing that the bipolar disorder monster has robbed me off. This stupid, infuriating disease has taken so much and now it looks like it is taking the one thing that I want more than anything, a child.
So here I am. 34 yrs old. Single. Sick. Diagnosed bipolar aka crazy. Unemployed. All forcing a re-evaluation on life. One think that this year has taught me is that there is likely no way that I will be able to have a child on my own. I always said that if I was 35 and alone, I would have a baby on my own. It is not, and has never been the ideal option, but it was a viable option. I was a responsible and good person who could have managed a child on my own. I have friends who have had babies on their own. It was not easy, but they have managed and are so thankful for the experience. They did not plan their lives in the hopes of doing it on their own, but they come to an age where they had no one in their lives and realized it was a now or never time for having a baby. Something they always wanted, much like myself.
I believe and think that I am know not able to handle the responsibility and the pressure of a child on my own while managing a bipolar disorder. The stress and responsibility will likely be too much for me to handle on my own while managing my disease and not doing harm to myself and others.
I have also read and learnt that many mental health illnesses including bipolar disorder are passed down from generation to generation. I wonder if past generations of my family had experience with mental illness? I know that there has been some talk of relitves being "crazy" or having addictions, both signs of mental health issues. Do I want to pass down this disease to another generation?? Is it fair to do that?? Would I want anyone to go through this?? I know that some of my friends who are dealing with bipolar disorder have decided that they are not having children because of the fact that they risk passing it down to the next generation. What to do? What to do?
I realize that this declaration of my not being able to have a child on my own means that I will only have to find someone stable enough to want to have a child with me. Well it sounds easy enough, but who wants to be with the person who is certifably crazy, unemployed, fat, did I mention crazy??? And that that person will want to put at risk their offspring with my genetic pool of Russian Roulette for mental illness. I had a hard enough time finding men who wanted to date me when i wasn't crazy.
Maybe this is the universes way of telling me that the one thing that I want more than anything is something that I just won't be good at, or can't handle - being a mother. Goodness knows that apparently if you are a teenager you can have a baby, but not if you are me. Not if you have played by the rules, been safe, waited until you tried to find someone so that you could make a stable family, with a mother and a father who are good role models. Nope, I had to get sick and everything had to fall apart. Yet another thing that the bipolar disorder monster has robbed me off. This stupid, infuriating disease has taken so much and now it looks like it is taking the one thing that I want more than anything, a child.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Updating "101 things about me" and thoughts on goals
I just updated my "101 things about me". I had written the list probably 2 years ago and I hadn't realized how out of date it had gotten. Not many changes, but some key ones, mainly surrounding family and goals. Recently it has become clearer and clearer to me that as I approach 35 in a year and a half and the ominous "I will have a baby on my own" is out there, I really want a family, not just a baby. I want a husband/partner, I want children with that person who loves me and who will love "OUR" children. I find it so sad that I have not been able to accomplish this. This is truly the one thing that I want more than anything. This is such an open sore in my life. It is there everyday. Every child I see, every family I see, every pregnant woman I see walking down the street is like pouring salt in the wound. It is unfair for me to feel this way towards these people and their happiness, but it is the way I feel. I wish it was different, but it is not. So 35 is approaching. 18 months away. I have a lot to do in 18 months before the ominous "I will have a baby on my own" option B rears its ugly head as a harsh reality.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
key steps to having a successful wedding experience this summer
there are some key things that i have to do to ensure that i am in top form for the wedding this summer of Mr. PFM to Mrs. PFHim. So far on the agenda:
- Lose some weight. yes this is at the top of the list. no carbs, no salt, no sugar routine. i need to be in relatively good form
- some salsa lessons. i found some in TO that are for singles and start in March. sign me up baby. this couple loves to salsa, and the wedding is in salsa country, so i will be needing to find some rythym prior to departure
- check dress situation (i should be fine, but need to, closer to the date, evaluate the chlothing situation)
- Full leg and bik wax the few days before departure
- haircut and highlights the few days before departure
- mani and pedi morning of flight out to wedding (good topcoat for touch ups on route)
i need to do these things for a few reasons:
- to be ready to be an active participant in all things wedding
- to be open and willing to meet a whole new group of people who i have never met before
- to be comfortable on the beach with others from the wedding without feeling like an idiot
i think that this will bring good things to many aspects of my life. can't wait
Monday, January 7, 2008
"Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make me a match....
find me a find,
catch me a catch,
and make me a perfect match."
Well I have done it. I have officially gone off the deep end. Yes, off the deep end of singledom. I have called a matchmaker. I saw her ad in a local fashion magazine (ironically called Fashion) and don't know what came over me, but I e-mailed her. The ad reads:
THE MATCHMAKER - Private Executive Search
Our company represents a handsome, intelligent, very successful, professional, athletic gentleman. He works hard and plays hard and is a high energy person. His many and varied interests include sports, working-out, walking his dogs, travelling, cottage life, reading, movies and the ballet. He also enjoys socializing with friends, enjoying good food and collecting wine. You will find him to be a very caring giving person and a good guy.
Our client is interested in meeting an attractive, intelligent, self assured, feminine, classy lady, perhaps Jewish. She should have similar interests, be positive, warm, adaptable, a good communicator and posses a good sense of humour.
Age early 30's.
So I e-mailed the matchmaker. I am meeting with her on Thursday. I am terrified. I don't know why. I am absolutely terrified. I guess I have nothing to loose. We will see. I am even stressing about what I wear to meet the matchmaker???? A black pant suit perhaps, Pearls, Tory Burch heels, tri-color Cartier ring, pale nail polish, straight hair, an LV or a Gucci purse (understated), maybe glasses if I feel it is one of those days. I am so nervous. What am I going to speak to her about?? I'll fill you in.
catch me a catch,
and make me a perfect match."
Well I have done it. I have officially gone off the deep end. Yes, off the deep end of singledom. I have called a matchmaker. I saw her ad in a local fashion magazine (ironically called Fashion) and don't know what came over me, but I e-mailed her. The ad reads:
THE MATCHMAKER - Private Executive Search
Our company represents a handsome, intelligent, very successful, professional, athletic gentleman. He works hard and plays hard and is a high energy person. His many and varied interests include sports, working-out, walking his dogs, travelling, cottage life, reading, movies and the ballet. He also enjoys socializing with friends, enjoying good food and collecting wine. You will find him to be a very caring giving person and a good guy.
Our client is interested in meeting an attractive, intelligent, self assured, feminine, classy lady, perhaps Jewish. She should have similar interests, be positive, warm, adaptable, a good communicator and posses a good sense of humour.
Age early 30's.
So I e-mailed the matchmaker. I am meeting with her on Thursday. I am terrified. I don't know why. I am absolutely terrified. I guess I have nothing to loose. We will see. I am even stressing about what I wear to meet the matchmaker???? A black pant suit perhaps, Pearls, Tory Burch heels, tri-color Cartier ring, pale nail polish, straight hair, an LV or a Gucci purse (understated), maybe glasses if I feel it is one of those days. I am so nervous. What am I going to speak to her about?? I'll fill you in.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Resolutions (AKA my to do list)
If you, little blog, took the time to read the post that I wrote on you yesterday, you will understand that I hate, hate, hate resolutions. So I shall call this list the "I don't want to be in the same place I am this January 1st, next January 1st" list. Here is what I am committing to (list to be edited later, this is the first version):
- To wear mascara on 75 % of days (generally if I am throwing on the mascara, I am also spending some time making myself look presentable!!!)
- To date (maybe "learn how to date" is better. I think I need to learn how to do it effectively before I do it......)
- To wear grown up shoes (aka. high heels) on the majority of days. (see #1)
- To get control of my finances and spending. (lets not get too carried away, like say "To start to use a budget", but not feeling anxious about money would be nice)
- To loose weight
- To find a swim team that I like to swim with again, and get back into it
- To be more happy with myself
- To like the person that I see in the mirror
- To cook for myself at home a bit
- To commit to being a better friend through being more social regularly
- To bring my lunch to work on occasion
- To continue with my psychoanalysis (it will help with #'s 5, 7, 8)
- To de-clutter my life and my apartment of stuff
- To be more organized
So that is a start. I will see where it takes me......
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
New Year's Resolutions
I hate resolutions. When I was a child (up until very recently actually!) my father, about a week ago at this time of year, would get this twinkle in his eye. Usually when we were cornered at the dinner table and not able to escape. He would pull out the file folder with all of our past resolutions. We would look at the ones from years past and reflect on how many of them we had not met and how many were repeated.
Imagine being 8 years old and seeing that on your list for the last 3 years had been to loose weight and he (my father) didn't feel that the 8 year old in front of him had done that well. "Why not??" he would ask. What I should have answered was "Because I am FUCKING 8 YEARS OLD, THAT'S WHY FUCKING NOT!!!!!!" But no, it would be added onto the next years list only to be revisited the next year and the next year and the next year and the next..........................
nightmare.
did he really think that this was good for me??? He must have. He is so focused on self improvement. "YOU ARE NEVER GOOD ENOUGH. YOU CAN ALWAYS IMPROVE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS BE STRIVING TO DO BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" WTF???? No wonder I have so many issues with being happy with myself on a day to day basis. I was a child. A child who was not fat, who was smart, who was a kind and nice child, but that was not good enough. never good enough.
this is why I hate resolutions. He had the Gaul to ask me at dinner on Saturday if I had "thought about my New Year's Resolutions this year. It is that time of year you know?" I wanted to reply "No I had no FUCKING idea that it is the end of 2007 and that my life is a bloody mess and yes it needs to change and that would be a good start making a list." Instead a calmly said "I am 31 years old, I do not need to tell you what I am doing with my resolutions. Did you bring your stupid folder so that we can reflect on how badly I have done in the last year?" That shut him up pretty quickly.
I hate this time of year for that reason. Reflection and planning. Hate it. That being said. I may have a list of resolutions. Just maybe. I will not however force anyone to revisit my failures next year and every year after......Actually, my first resolution may be to learn to be happy with who I am everyday. That might be a good place to start.............
Imagine being 8 years old and seeing that on your list for the last 3 years had been to loose weight and he (my father) didn't feel that the 8 year old in front of him had done that well. "Why not??" he would ask. What I should have answered was "Because I am FUCKING 8 YEARS OLD, THAT'S WHY FUCKING NOT!!!!!!" But no, it would be added onto the next years list only to be revisited the next year and the next year and the next year and the next..........................
nightmare.
did he really think that this was good for me??? He must have. He is so focused on self improvement. "YOU ARE NEVER GOOD ENOUGH. YOU CAN ALWAYS IMPROVE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS BE STRIVING TO DO BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" WTF???? No wonder I have so many issues with being happy with myself on a day to day basis. I was a child. A child who was not fat, who was smart, who was a kind and nice child, but that was not good enough. never good enough.
this is why I hate resolutions. He had the Gaul to ask me at dinner on Saturday if I had "thought about my New Year's Resolutions this year. It is that time of year you know?" I wanted to reply "No I had no FUCKING idea that it is the end of 2007 and that my life is a bloody mess and yes it needs to change and that would be a good start making a list." Instead a calmly said "I am 31 years old, I do not need to tell you what I am doing with my resolutions. Did you bring your stupid folder so that we can reflect on how badly I have done in the last year?" That shut him up pretty quickly.
I hate this time of year for that reason. Reflection and planning. Hate it. That being said. I may have a list of resolutions. Just maybe. I will not however force anyone to revisit my failures next year and every year after......Actually, my first resolution may be to learn to be happy with who I am everyday. That might be a good place to start.............
101 things in 1001 days
I just read about a program that is listed on live journal with people making a list of 101 things to do in 1001 days. http://community.livejournal.com/jan1_2008 I am so intrigued. I think that it might just be the perfect thing for my life right now. It could be as easy as making a list of all of my dreams and putting it out there. I think that I will start my list and build it until I am ready to post it. I have until September 28, 2010 to complete my list don't I??? I think that this might turn into a 101 things in 365 days, but let's not get over zealous shall we!!!
Monday, November 19, 2007
99 visitors!!!
I feel like I am on the edge of soemthing fabulous.....100 visitors to my little tiny about nothing blog. i am so excited. I can't believe how much this means to me.
On a totally unrelated note, I have to write tomorrow about my "Single and Fabulous" nightmare of a dinner at my parents last night. Nightmare is an understory. Tomorrow my 99 visitors, tomorrow.
Smoooches (I'm feeling particularly obnoxious today!!!)
HRH the Princess
On a totally unrelated note, I have to write tomorrow about my "Single and Fabulous" nightmare of a dinner at my parents last night. Nightmare is an understory. Tomorrow my 99 visitors, tomorrow.
Smoooches (I'm feeling particularly obnoxious today!!!)
HRH the Princess
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Commitment to be a better friend
I am committed to be a better friend. I have been a terrible friend lately. With my commute recently to a client, spending 3 + hours in the car a day and all of my volunteer work has really infringed on my friend time. Plus I have not made it a requirement. It is pathetic how much I have let those relationships falter. I have personally committed to making sure that I have booked 3-5 dinner or drinks with girl friends in the next week. With my best friend having moved across the pond to the UK, it is really not great that I have lost a whole social life.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Pity Party - table for one
well, here I am. Tears in my throat, sitting in a box of an office, starring out onto a concrete courtyard where no human has ever stood, surrounded by hospital walls. I am sad. I am the kind of panicky anxious sad I get when I have really bad PMS. The kind of sad that turn my thoughts into a pity party .....how did I get here today-A day when I have so much "work" to do and can't afford the time for a pity party???
I spoke to a good friend. I was lamenting about an auction I am working on and how I had manged to have the chair crawl up my butt and die (literally of course). We spoke about our weekend and my fabulous dinner at One last week with my parents. How we had eaten with the most lovely Jewish man and his wife. How I had spoken to her about her conversion. How my friend T needed to find me a nice Jewish Man so I could convert also. How young my parents are 57 and 52 years old respectively.................and then it happened...................
Me: I loved having young parents. It is really great.
T: I always wanted young parents
Me: I have always wanted to be a young parent
T: I agree
Me:At 31, no husband, no man that I would want to have a baby with in my life, I guess that is not going to happen.
T: (silence)
Me: (sarcastically and laughing) I don't even think that I could have four kids, let alone one before I'm 40 even if I stepped out of my office right now and met Dr. Delirious at the Hospital who said 'let's get married tomorrow and have as many babies as you want'
T: Don't be silly princess
Me and T: (uncomfortable laughter)
T: Are you o.k.?
Me: Yup, don't worry about me. It'll all work out.
(click, hangup)
Will it be o.k.???? Will it all work out??? Today, I'm not so sure.
Why is this so difficult? The only thing I know I want for sure and I can't make it happen.
Pass the kleenex.
I spoke to a good friend. I was lamenting about an auction I am working on and how I had manged to have the chair crawl up my butt and die (literally of course). We spoke about our weekend and my fabulous dinner at One last week with my parents. How we had eaten with the most lovely Jewish man and his wife. How I had spoken to her about her conversion. How my friend T needed to find me a nice Jewish Man so I could convert also. How young my parents are 57 and 52 years old respectively.................and then it happened...................
Me: I loved having young parents. It is really great.
T: I always wanted young parents
Me: I have always wanted to be a young parent
T: I agree
Me:
T: (silence)
Me: (sarcastically and laughing) I don't even think that I could have four kids, let alone one before I'm 40 even if I stepped out of my office right now and met Dr. Delirious at the Hospital who said 'let's get married tomorrow and have as many babies as you want'
T: Don't be silly princess
Me and T: (uncomfortable laughter)
T: Are you o.k.?
Me: Yup, don't worry about me. It'll all work out.
Why is this so difficult? The only thing I know I want for sure and I can't make it happen.
Pass the kleenex.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Goals and Ambition
When a princess is in her 30's and sees no prince in sight to deliver a glass slipper; thoughts come to what does she want in life? what will she need in life to be happy? what are her goals? All this is a very weighty subject for me. What are the things that are going to make me happy? What are the things that I need to make choices now to make a reality? What can I do on my own? What do I need to ask for help on? Who can help? All questions that run through my head as I watch others move forward with their lives.
So as a start, I thought that I would make a list (surprising, I know):
So as a start, I thought that I would make a list (surprising, I know):
- I want to have a family - this used to read "I want to have at lease one baby", but then I was out with a fabulous male friend of mine (who is unfortunately gay) and we were talking about the exploding time bomb in my stomach and coursing through my veins, when a very happy couple, with a very cute blond child in between them was walking ahead of us. I of course commented on how cute and happy and perfect they looked and my friend said rather pointedly "you don't want a baby, you want a family!". Point taken. I will however take a baby if the family is not to be.
- I want to be skinnier - yes everyone has this on their list, or so it seems.
- I want to live in a fabulously chic city and do fabulously chic things - I once lived in Paris, and that is the type of chic I want again - London, New York, Paris - that type of fabulousness
- I want to be happier - sounds simple, No?????
The list will continue to grow, but this is a start. I assume that the next list might be a material list of things like "I want to own a Birkin" - is that wrong?????
Princess
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