Thanks for visiting my little blog, Please note that this is my online diary, thoughts & feelings expressed on this blog are mine & mine alone. I hope that you will take the time to comment & tell me what you think about the things that I write. If you do not wish to know what I am thinking in my tiny little head then please do not read on, but I will not apoloize for my spelling (although I'm trying to be better!) or my posts!

Thanks for stopping by,
Princess Steph

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Bipolar Disorder Monster taking one more thing - Babies

As anyone who has read my blog, follows me on Twitter, knows me in person or knows anyone of my family or friends, knows that I have an instant connection to children.  I have since I was a child myself.  The 4 yr old that would "babysit" the babies in the room, the one girl/woman that was always asking to hold the babies when they were/are around and someone who has always wanted more than anything to be a mother.  One of my closest friends RT used to call me MIT "Mother in Training" in highschool, a clear indication of what was to come for me, or so I thought.

So here I am.  34 yrs old.  Single.  Sick.  Diagnosed bipolar aka crazy.  Unemployed.  All forcing a re-evaluation on life.  One think that this year has taught me is that there is likely no way that I will be able to have a child on my own.  I always said that if I was 35 and alone, I would have a baby on my own.  It is not, and has never been the ideal option, but it was a viable option.  I was a responsible and good person who could have managed a child on my own.  I have friends who have had babies on their own.  It was not easy, but they have managed and are so thankful for the experience.  They did not plan their lives in the hopes of doing it on their own, but they come to an age where they had no one in their lives and realized it was a now or never time for having a baby.  Something they always wanted, much like myself. 

I believe and think that I am know not able to handle the responsibility and the pressure of a child on my own while managing a bipolar disorder.  The stress and responsibility will likely be too much for me to handle on my own while managing my disease and not doing harm to myself and others.

I have also read and learnt that many mental health illnesses including bipolar disorder are passed down from generation to generation.  I wonder if past generations of my family had experience with mental illness?  I know that there has been some talk of relitves being "crazy" or having addictions, both signs of mental health issues.  Do I want to pass down this disease to another generation??  Is it fair to do that??  Would I want anyone to go through this??  I know that some of my friends who are dealing with bipolar disorder have decided that they are not having children because of the fact that they risk passing it down to the next generation.  What to do?  What to do?

I realize that this declaration of my not being able to have a child on my own means that I will only have to find someone stable enough to want to have a child with me.  Well it sounds easy enough, but who wants to be with the person who is certifably crazy, unemployed, fat, did I mention crazy???  And that that person will want to put at risk their offspring with my genetic pool of Russian Roulette for mental illness.  I had a hard enough time finding men who wanted to date me when i wasn't crazy.

Maybe this is the universes way of telling me that the one thing that I want more than anything is something that I just won't be good at, or can't handle - being a mother.   Goodness knows that apparently if you are a teenager you can have a baby, but not if you are me.  Not if you have played by the rules, been safe, waited until you tried to find someone so that you could make a stable family, with a mother and a father who are good role models.  Nope, I had to get sick and everything had to fall apart.  Yet another thing that the bipolar disorder monster has robbed me off.  This stupid, infuriating disease has taken so much and now it looks like it is taking the one thing that I want more than anything, a child. 

7 comments:

Liana @ femme fraiche said...

It's so sad how people who deserve the best are usually the ones who recieve the least. Keep your head up, girl...things might not work out how you might have pictured them to, but I'm sure, in the end, you'll be rewarded;)

Elizabeth Laine said...

I was married to a doctor with bipolar disorder type II (severe)for 27 years. We were married for 10yrs. & already had 4 kids, when he was 1st diagnosed.
It was a cruel blow as we found out later, his dad had a precursor; personality disorder. My kids still paid the price; the emotional damage continues in broken relationships;with all my adult kids. There were other extenuating circumstances...read it if you wish in my book; A Butterfly Landed An Eagle available from amazon or directly from my publishers website posted on http://abutterflylandedaneagle.blogspot.com.
If you manage your disorder well,(unlike my late husband), have good family and friend networks, there's nothing to stop you having upto 2 kids. In my opinion, 2 is enough. I am a retired nurse (Dip.'77BASc.'98)remarried and moved on with my life. I am 53 and still learning...writing my sequel. All the best with your decision. Elizabeth Laine

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OpinionatedReader said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
OpinionatedReader said...

I just stumbled upon your blog and I am sad for you. But I think you should research it more, if your that determined to have a child then you will. Teens and Junkies have babies. And they don't sound as near SANE as you do. I think if you have a good support system in place and talk to your doctor get a feel for what he/she says. Why is it NOT possible for you. The possibility of passing it down I understand but even if you didn't have that behind you. You can still pass things down to your kids.. Me for example. My son is ADHD. My daughter is Asthmatic. Neither things I knew I could pass down and I have. I think that if there is Hope there is always a way.

Anonymous said...

We adopted our first and only awesome child in my 40s. Never say never. Everyone is worthy of love, and even the "craziest" people can make the most amazing parents because they are not in denail about how hard life can be. If you want to be a mom, you can be. It's never too late.

(@anxiousgurl on twitter)

Anonymous said...

Hey, I met my husband 1 year before depression hit me. And somehow he stayed and loved me, nomatter how bad I was, how useless and ugly etc. I felt. Granted he knew me before it happened, but it was still a very new relationship. I guess my point is: don't give up on love, men have an amazing ability to love us as we are. I am not saying it will be easy, it is always harder when you have any kind of sickness, but you are a person who should and can be loved, just like everyone else. As others have said, there are many ways to get kids, don't give up on any of it. /Ditte

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