I have been away in South America for a week now and yesterday I changed rooms in our apartment from a lovely Argentinian Blue Room that looked out onto the street with a fantastic en suite bathroom with a walk in shower, to an interior bedroom, that has an ensuite bathroom with a bathtub. I hadn't used the shower yet in the bathroom until this afternoon. I was taken completely aback when I turned around and there was a floor to ceiling mirror at the end of the tub. I don't know about you, but it is a cold day in hell when I actually look at myself naked in a mirror. I was shocked that there in my shower I am going to have to face myself everyday.
I was recently told by a very sweet and kind boy, who had seen me in my most vulnerable state, that I was "gorgeous". He told me that I "should tell the negative voices in my head to be quiet, because they were wrong", that "men should be lucky to be with me" and "that I should cherish how wonderful I made him feel". I don't see what he sees in the mirror. I see someone who is unattractive. Who is not happy. Who is fat. Who has such negative voices screeming at me so strongly that I can't hear anything else but hatred and disgust at the way I look. But somewhere in there is the reminder of that tiny voice of a man who appreciated my body for what it is, took pleasure in what it is, found it beautiful and critisized me for the negativity that I felt. There have been others, but none who called me so clearly on the negative voice in my head.
I feel as if the mirror at the end of the tub will be a chance to look at myself for what I am. A chance to try and find beauty where I have not found beauty ever before. To look at myself in a new light. To go from not wanting to look at myself ever, to having to face myself everyday at the end of my shower. There is no choice. The mirror is not going away.
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