The abyss of loneliness

courtesy of http://www.someecards.com/



This weekend, it became evidently clear again that I am alone and it sucks.

When receiving some bad family news on Friday over champagne, #londonsis had her fiance and #torontosis had her husband and baby, to hold on too, as we absorbed the information that we were being told.  I had no one.  No one to get home and cry to on the sofa, to cuddle up to in their arms just for some comfort, to hold their hand so that i didn't feel like I was going to fall off the deep end of the ocean into an abyss of fear, sadness and depression.  All of my emotions were mine alone, to process and manage the feelings on my own.  It was horrible.  It was even more horrible because I have really secluded myself from any friends that I had, and don't feel that I'm able to reach out to them now when I am back in crisis.

I so rarely feel like being single is awful.  I do single well.  I am confident in doing things on my own and I am usually perfectly OK with it.  Except that I know that this life is meant to be shared with another human being and that I do not want to be on my own forever.  On Friday and throughout the weekend, I was reminded that it is truly awful going through this life on one's own and this is not the life that I want to lead. 

But I am a lot to take on.  I know that the hope of finding a partner is even smaller given my mental illness.  Before I was sick and diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, I was just the girl with Migraines that battles chronic depression, but was still fun when needed.  Now I am the girl who is crazy, needs 10 pills a day to keep some form of sanity and has gained another 25 pounds because of the drugs that I am taking.  What man/boy wants to take that on? Not very many.

I rarely find men attractive anymore.  I think that it is a defence mechanism.  Don't worry, if you don't find anyone attractive, you will never put yourself out there, you will never get rejected, you will never have to face the fact that you are, as you believed, a lot to take on, too much for most people.  When I do find someone attractive, I am so eager for them to like me that I am destine to be over eager on all angles.  I am a relationship mess.  Sabotaging my own happiness, before it has a second to establish itself.

So here I am.  Me.  Myself.  I.  Alone. I wish I could change it, but apparently this is not going to be easy.  I sit at my desk, tears running down my cheeks, thinking that I may be stuck in this abyss of loneliness forever.

Raw & Honest Take on Relationships & Mental Health-An Interview

I had the wonderful and rare experience tonight of being interviewed on "Blog Radio" for HealthyPlace Radio.  It was a provocative and interesting experience.  I was very nervous to have a conversation about how mental illness has affected my social life, but I just listened to the 15 minute interview and I am quite proud of it.  It is a true, raw, honest accounting of how I feel.  I am surprised at how negative and sad it is, but then I realize that the situation is depressing.  The interviewer was great.  He asked some great questions.  One of the best was: "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"  I haven't thought about it and the scariest part of it is, if I don't change my path it won't be much different from where I am now.  

I have attached the interview below if you would like to listen to it.  I would be interested to know what you think and if you feel the same way.  Please let me know.

Listen to internet radio with HealthyPlace Radio on 

Blog Talk Radio

Exposing my broken brain on the radio

This evening I am exposing myself and my broken brain once again, but this time on the radio.  I have been asked to be interviewed by the HealthyPlace Radio Show.  At first I was very hesitant to open up myself up to a radio interview and discuss my mental health; it is very raw, there is no do-overs, what I say is what you get, I had no idea what the topic would be, I was nervous about hearing my own voice talking about the hardships of mental illness...

My twitter friend, Amy, asked me to do the interview a month ago.  It took me that long to say yes.  I really had to think about it.  When I agreed to it, we talked about potential topics, everything from stress and its impact on bipolar, social life and the affect of mental illness on it, drugs and their side effects, working and bipolar..... Amy decided that i will be discussing how social relationships are affected by living with Bipolar 2 and social anxiety.

I have been thinking a lot about the topic and realize that what is most prevalent is that not only are my relationships affected by my mental illness, but they have pretty much disappeared because of my mental illness.  I am trying to think of why? what did I do to make that happen? how i am adapting to the new reality?  I expect to talk about all of that this evening.

Anyway I can be listened to here at 7pm Central 8pm Eastern if you care to join me.  I'm nervous, so wish me luck.

Law & Order:Criminal Intent deals with Mental Health

I have always found that there is one TV show that deals with Mental Health relatively well and that is Law & Order: Criminal Intent, particularly the character Detective Robert Goren played by Vincent d'Onofrio.  Now it is widely known that I have a 'made for tv' crush on that particular character, but what has really caught my attention recently is his time spent in therapy.   In the show they portray his mother as a schizophrenic and the Detective deals with depression/anger issues and the fears of the  being alone/not able to manage a relationship.

Today I was watching a taped episode and at the end of the hour, Detective Goren meets with his therapist.  The clip above is perfect and I feel like I could be in his chair, asking the same questions of my therapist "Am I capable of a relationship?? A family?"  The therapist's response is classic therapy "Well, we could work towards that goal."  I'm sorry, but not only is that an infuriating response, but WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT MEAN????  How does that help?  It does not advance the therapy session at all.  It is one of those moments in any type of therapist, patient relationships where you just want to scream at the top of your lungs.  I am glad I was able to capture it, even badly with my iPhone.  I am also glad that a tv show is demonstrating some of the frustrations of mental health in an honest way.

Sex, Dating and Relationships at a support group

Last Thursday I spent 2 hours in a group therapy session with 9 other woman, all of us have some level of crazy - bipolar, severe depression, anxiety - of course we don't call it crazy, we say "living with Bipolar Disorder/depression/social anxiety etc".  Anyway every week tends to  have its own flavour.  Some weeks everyone just talks about what is going on in their own lives, other days we help someone who needs to be more social and then all of a sudden we are all admitting that we are hermits.  Last week we talked about sex, dating and relationships.  Now before I go any further, I should let you know that many of these women I see every week and have been going to for months, some of them for years, so we tend to know each other well.

So how did the topic of "Sex, Dating and Relationships" come up?  It was all really very innocent.  One of the woman asked if anyone would be offended if we talked about sex and the flood gates opened.  She in particular wanted to talk about the fact that she had no sex drive.  The drugs, her mood and the weather had sucked all thoughts of sex out of her.  So many people agreed and sympathized.  The discussion lead to the fact that drugs have taken so much from so many of us and feeling attractive (the weight gain of some of the drugs being only one part of feeling so unattractive even to ourselves) and having a sex drive is just one more thing.  The next woman to speak, spoke about being manic and not getting enough sex.  We all laughed at the fact that mental illness certainly led so many of us on different paths and polar opposites of the spectrum.

When it came my time to speak, I was amazed at how open I was with this group of woman about the pain of being lonely, and the challenges that mental illness brings to bear on being social, dating and relationships.  I have avoided socializing for months (ok, maybe it is now over a year, close to two), let alone dating.  I have a couple of male friends who I see occasionally, but we do not date.  I am just too closed emotionally to date.  The idea is slightly terrifying.  I fear the rejection might throw me over an edge that I don`t wish to go over.  Closed emotionally might not be the best description, but emotionally fragile might be better.  This of course does nothing for the feelings of being lonely.  I also believe that the longer that I am anti-social, the lonelier I get, the scarier it becomes to be social, the more anti-social I become, the lonelier I get......and the circle goes on and on and grows bigger and bigger.

I was not surprised to hear that I was not the only one.  So many of the women in the group were in the same boat.  I was at this point crying.  I had opened a part of my emotional self to these women that was very sensitive and very raw.  It is not easy to admit that you are very lonely and that you are in this evil cycle.

I also admitted that part of the challenge was that I had not found anyone attractive in ages.  It has been a very long time that I have had butterflies in my stomach when a boy/man is around that I like.  I wonder if my mind has done this on purpose so that I will not be distracted from getting better?  I have in recent months found some people attractive (previous posts have expressed this - baby fluttering butterflies) and I think that this might be a good sign that I am ready to begin to be more social, still beyond terrified though, so who knows.

What was amazing is that, when I admitted this, so many of the women then started to prop me up.  They helped to build my self esteem.  I was told that I was worthy of love.  I was a wonderful person.  That I was supporting this group of women every Thursday afternoon, no matter how sick I was, rather than them supporting me.  That at some point, someone fabulous would notice this.  Who knew that I would find a number of cheerleaders in this group of crazy ladies???

By the end of the session we had covered the difficulties of loneliness, drugs and sex drive, bipolar mania and sex, dating and mental health, mental health and discloser while dating, casual relationships and their impact on our mental health, long term relationships and mental health, "am I worthy of love, even with our mental illnesses??", letting go of toxic relationships.......

Who knew that this support group would end up being so focused on Sex, Dating and Relationships, but it was needed.  I needed the support of the group to know that I was not alone.  I also needed to know that it was OK to put myself out there and try.  Everyone faces rejection and I would be OK on the other side, I just had to go for it.  Easier said than done, I say.  Maybe after this Thursday, I will have a little more courage and a little more cheerleading to push me to go and find someone who makes butterflies fly in my stomach...

Writing and not writing

I am desperate to write about my emotions these days but I cannot.  They are tied up in work, in people that I interact with on twitter, in things that are going on with my family, with my friends, with my life in general.  Many of which would hurt or expose me in a way that would not be good to write about here either by hurting the individual who is causing me turmoil, exposing some emotions that would be raw and come back and stab me in the back, and by talking about a workplace in an unfair way.  So what am I to do??

So, I have decided to write the posts.  There are 3 of them and just the process of writing the three of them and leaving them in my "drafts" inbox has made me feel a bit better.  I have written about some of the challenges at work, that has helped.  I have written about some of the feelings that I am feeling around some things that are going on with my family.  I have written about some of the issues surrounding seclusion.  What I have not written about and I know I have to, are the feelings of loneliness and attraction.  These are too sensitive and difficult.  I will get there, maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow, maybe in a month, but soon I will write about them and leave them in my drafts box and leave them there to be released potentially never.   No one will get hurt, none of my emotions will be exposed to people that are part of the posts and most importantly everyone will be safe from my words, except me.

Admitting what I really want in life

I had a lovely afternoon post Doctor's appointment (more on the dr's appt during another post) when I made my way to a local restaurant and had my usual lunch/dinner alone.  I really like it there, and have come to really like the owner.  He usually stops by and we have a chat for a while.  I took my family there not that long ago and my 2 1/2 yr old niece had blast enjoying her time and we were chatting about that today.

While chatting about our families and our niece's and nephew's, I commented that I really enjoyed being an aunt and how much he enjoyed being an uncle.  What I neglected to mention, is that I will not be happy only being an aunt.  I'm terrified of only being an aunt.  Don't get me wrong, I love being an aunt to my niece more than anything right now.  It is keeping me alive on some fronts, but, I will not be happy if I do not have children of my own.

What if being an aunt is the only way that I will have access to gorgeous, happy, children who are related to me?  At this point I am not ready to give up hope of having my own children.  I'm only in my mid 30's.  There is still time, and a family of my own is really the only thing that I know for sure that I want.

Why I couldn't come clean while we were chatting?   I'm not sure.  I think that it is too difficult to admit.  It is too scary.  It is too raw and open to admit what I really want in life.

A First Date Wardrobe

I recently had a friend ask me what to wear on a date that they were going on.  Why they felt I would know I am not sure.  But  I felt that good undergarments, a great handbag, minimal but statement jewellery, and kick ass shoes are a must.  When playing on Polyvore.com today I put together a set that would be great for a first date.  Now, if only my bank account could include a black 35cm Birkin and a that fab Agent Provocateur black dress.  Nothing like a little black dress to be a good staple in your closet!

My perfect date wardrobe by PrincessSteph featuring a satin dress

Agent Provocateur Zelma satin contour dress
$825 - net-a-porter.com
Satin dress »

Balmain Embellished wool-blend blazer
$4,065 - net-a-porter.com
Pinstripe blazer »

Agent Provocateur Classic satin corset
$370 - net-a-porter.com
Agent Provocateur »

Bordelle Satin Cut Out Suspender
$196 - journelle.com
Bordelle »

Lascivious Seamed stockings
$36 - journelle.com
Lascivious »

Christian Louboutin Pigalle 120 patent pumps
$595 - net-a-porter.com
Patent high heels »

Hermes silver rings, Hermes fine jewelry
$690 - usa.hermes.com
Fine silver jewelry »

Hermes silk twill scarves
$385 - usa.hermes.com
Hermes scarves »

Hermes Birkin Bag in Black : Star Style
starstyleinc.com
Star handbags »

Who am I? Defined by my job

I was reminded this week, that when I was out of work, I worried about the fact that I "was defined by my job" when I was working.  When asked who I was, I replied that "I was a management consultant", not that I was an intelligent woman who had a number of things going for her.  I vowed that my job when I returned to work in 2011 would not define who I was again.

I believed at that time, that a job serving coffee or working in a book store, would have meant that I would not have had the same stresses and all consuming feeling of my job as a Mgmt Consultant did.  That was the plan anyway.  To find a job that was easy, fun and something that was not going to be so stressful.  Oh how things change when you start to feel better and are away from the stresses of everyday work.

While I was away in Argentina I was offered a job, with a past client that I had worked with.  I was feeling great that particular week and felt like I could do anything.  Being on holidays for 6 weeks, not having any stress, and working out regularly, can do that to a girl.  So I took the job in a moment of weakness, health and being swayed by the salary that it offered.  I started on January 4th.

So here I am.  6 weeks in and if asked who I am right at this moment, I fear the answer would be the response to the question "What do you do?"  I am more than the work that I do.  I know that.  But when I have little else besides the job that I do, it is difficult.

I have managed to ruin nearly all the relationships in my life because of my mental illness and the inability for me to be a reliable friend to people these days.  I choose solitary activities that do not involve interaction with others, so that my social anxiety stays at bay.  I would rather be on my own than with others.  Social activities these days, involve attending peer support groups for people who are suffering from mood disorders like myself.  These things all make it easy for one to be defined by the job that they do.

I know I am good at my job, if not great, but I also know that in order to be happy, I have to have other things in my life.  I must start to build a life outside of my work that involves people.  I must start to interact with friends again.  I must start to build a life that involves me, not just the work that I do.

So, what is the answer that I want to be able to give the next time someone asks "Who are you?"  That my friends is the million dollar question.

Sometimes you just have to have Hope

As it stands, I am not married.  I have not dated anyone seriously in ages.  I appear to be eternally single, and this is only getting worse as I am now burdened with new realities of a mental illness.  However tonight I was confronted again with the question "Are you going to get married? Will you ever find that person to marry?" This question must be all over the thoughts of my family right now.  My littlest sister, #londonsis, is getting married in December, and as she is 9 years younger than me, I know that I am on their mind.  There appears to  be no hope for this girl in her mid 30s who is alone.

My parents have made comments in the past, I know not intentionally, about my not ever getting married and them not having hope, but hope is all that i have.  (My mother casually offering to buy me the whole Le Crueset line if I ever do get married, does not instill in her daughter that she has any hope that I will ever get married.)  I want more than anything to have a partner/husband and a family of my own, but sometimes wanting something is not enough.

I told my father tonight. as he casually said that he had in the past thought that the money that they would have spent on a wedding for me I could use to buy a house potentially, that I had not lost hope and I needed him to not loose hope either.  It would mean the end of everything.  Hope is all that I have on this matter.  I have to have hope that one day I will meet someone that I love, who will love me, who wants to have children, who wants to be with me, illnesses and all.  For now I grasp on tiny strands of hope that are growing fainter as the days go by....

The shiksa mocking herself....

Friendships/Relationships and the Shiksa

My new job is at a Temple (synagogue) in Toronto.  I worked here previously when I was a management consultant and loved it.  I felt an kinship to the Jewish faith and discovered that I felt more at home in a sanctuary of a Shul than I have ever felt in a church.  I attend services when I am available on a Saturday morning and feel that I want to, and even par take in High Holy Day festivities including Rosh Hashanah and Yon Kippur. 

The running joke with my family and friends has been for a while, "so, when are you going to meet a nice Jewish boy and convert?" and that seems to be the question for me also.  Although I have made so many wonderful friends at the Temple, I have not met any single men. 

The question also probes the question of conversion: To convert or not? Especially if I feel so comfortable within the walls of the Jewish faith.  I was chatting with a friend about conversion yesterday and expressed that I felt conversion without a partner would be very lonely. I could not convert and have Christmas dinner with my family for instance.  I would feel like that would be disrespectful to a faith that I had chosen (Judaism).  But converting to Judaism for someone (a partner) would be a whole different kettle of fish.  There would be someone to walk through life with, celebrate life cycle events with, holidays etc.  I cannot explain it, but it would be an easier journey and not so alienating or lonely.

So yesterday, under the persuasion of my assistant and a new friend, I joined jDate, the online Jewish dating service.  I made it clear that I was not Jewish but willing and looking to convert.  We shall see.  I have never done any online dating and it was terrifying to hit "OK" when I was at the end of submitting my information, including a picture.  I don't know, maybe good things will come from this.  I am searching for my "bashert" or "perfect match" as they say in Yiddish.  Hopefully he is out there somewhere.

Desperado, You better let somebody love you....

A Crush

It has been years since I've been attracted to anyone.  You know the feeling, the pit of the stomach when you really want to spend time with someone, the desire to find time near them, to figure out who they are, the need to google them, find out if they are dating someone.... all of those childish things that make us feel like we are back to being in grade 7!

I certainly have not had a crush on anyone since I got sick last year and that has made it quite surprising that in the last week I have developed a crush on a man and I am not quite sure what to do?  I know that it sounds like I am acting like I am 5 years old, but I feel like I am 5 years old.  It has been so long since I have felt anything for anyone.  I also feel like I am at a loss as to what to do.  This boy/man is sweet, he loves children, he's not married, not sure if he's dating anyone, so far so good.  From there I have no idea where to go.

My low self esteem and constant anxiety has certainly played into how i have felt about approaching anyone that I might even be slightly attracted to.  I also constantly worry that I am a lot for someone to take on.  I do not mean that I am high maintenance by any senses of the word, but I am someone who has a chronic illness and is mentally ill forever.  I also thought earlier today that I have to start thinking  about some of the things that make me an ok catch.  Thinks like I am caring, I love to look after people, I'm excellent with children, I like to cook, I'm fun,..... even writing them down does not help me to believe them.

Maybe I'm just not ready to meet anyone, but in my heart, I know that I am desperate to meet someone.  I also know that as I get older it is so rare that I meet anyone that I could potentially like, let alone like.  This of course adds to the pressure of every attraction.  I am not 20 anymore and I think it adds so much pressure to every interaction that I have with someone that I could potentially like.

So here I am, wondering what to do??  I have no idea how to move this forward and I feel ridiculous.  If you have any ideas let me know.  I have fully reverted back to being in grade 3 and I feel just as awkward, except I really like this person and could see something really working out with him.  This is not just child's play anymore.

Loneliness....

can be described as feeling like wearing the protective lead apron that you wear when having dental x-rays.  Just cumbersome enough to hold you down and not let you rise into your own life.

Bipolar Disorder Monster taking one more thing - Babies

As anyone who has read my blog, follows me on Twitter, knows me in person or knows anyone of my family or friends, knows that I have an instant connection to children.  I have since I was a child myself.  The 4 yr old that would "babysit" the babies in the room, the one girl/woman that was always asking to hold the babies when they were/are around and someone who has always wanted more than anything to be a mother.  One of my closest friends RT used to call me MIT "Mother in Training" in highschool, a clear indication of what was to come for me, or so I thought.

So here I am.  34 yrs old.  Single.  Sick.  Diagnosed bipolar aka crazy.  Unemployed.  All forcing a re-evaluation on life.  One think that this year has taught me is that there is likely no way that I will be able to have a child on my own.  I always said that if I was 35 and alone, I would have a baby on my own.  It is not, and has never been the ideal option, but it was a viable option.  I was a responsible and good person who could have managed a child on my own.  I have friends who have had babies on their own.  It was not easy, but they have managed and are so thankful for the experience.  They did not plan their lives in the hopes of doing it on their own, but they come to an age where they had no one in their lives and realized it was a now or never time for having a baby.  Something they always wanted, much like myself. 

I believe and think that I am know not able to handle the responsibility and the pressure of a child on my own while managing a bipolar disorder.  The stress and responsibility will likely be too much for me to handle on my own while managing my disease and not doing harm to myself and others.

I have also read and learnt that many mental health illnesses including bipolar disorder are passed down from generation to generation.  I wonder if past generations of my family had experience with mental illness?  I know that there has been some talk of relitves being "crazy" or having addictions, both signs of mental health issues.  Do I want to pass down this disease to another generation??  Is it fair to do that??  Would I want anyone to go through this??  I know that some of my friends who are dealing with bipolar disorder have decided that they are not having children because of the fact that they risk passing it down to the next generation.  What to do?  What to do?

I realize that this declaration of my not being able to have a child on my own means that I will only have to find someone stable enough to want to have a child with me.  Well it sounds easy enough, but who wants to be with the person who is certifably crazy, unemployed, fat, did I mention crazy???  And that that person will want to put at risk their offspring with my genetic pool of Russian Roulette for mental illness.  I had a hard enough time finding men who wanted to date me when i wasn't crazy.

Maybe this is the universes way of telling me that the one thing that I want more than anything is something that I just won't be good at, or can't handle - being a mother.   Goodness knows that apparently if you are a teenager you can have a baby, but not if you are me.  Not if you have played by the rules, been safe, waited until you tried to find someone so that you could make a stable family, with a mother and a father who are good role models.  Nope, I had to get sick and everything had to fall apart.  Yet another thing that the bipolar disorder monster has robbed me off.  This stupid, infuriating disease has taken so much and now it looks like it is taking the one thing that I want more than anything, a child. 

i need this....it is my new mantra

The Plates of my dreams

I get a little bit funny about certain things (shocking I know) and plates have become one of them.  I have decided that although I really want new plates, I will not buy them.  There is something about the fact that I really want plates, good plates, gorgeous plates like friends of mine have, married friends of mine have that I have bought them them, that I want.  I was at Ashleys this week buying yet another wedding gift, when I saw the plates of my dreams again.  They are so expensive and so nice, so I decided to photograph them.  These ones are Versace:

Both of these sets are Hermes. I have always loved the red plates, but the silver ones are a new pattern and very pretty

These are another shot of the Versace plates. Yummy.

2009

I know that I am late getting on the "What did 2009 mean to me? What I would like out of 2010?" train, but I have been ruminating about it. I feel that 2009 was such a bust of a year. In the grand scheme of things that I rate my life against, I was a list of tragic fails:


• I am still suffering from migraines and feel like this is no further ahead than it was a year ago.
• I am working in a job that I really do not love. I need a new career and am no sooner to figuring it out than I was a year ago, except that I know that the day will come in 2010 when I will have to find a new job.
• I did not have any successful physical relationships with men that were long term.
• I have not moved forward on any of the large goals that I have for myself
• I have been a lousy friend to many of my long standing friends.
• I am in a worse mental health place currently, than I have been ever before.
• I am not skinny
• I am not financially where I would like to be.
• I have not fostered better relationships with certain members of my family

So on the not so tragic things of 2009:

• I feel so blessed to have made so many fabulous new friends this year, primarily through twitter. What a blessing in my life this has been.
• I said yes to more things that I ever have before, friendships, boys, dates, jobs, opportunities, life....
• I have a job, no small feat in these hard economic times and given the industry that I am in.
• I am trying to deal with my mental health and speaking about it with friends and family more openly.
• I am proud that I am exploring and using social media, like twitter, my blog, facebook to enrich my life and to meet others who are friends and a support to me.

All in all I think that it was a pretty crappy year. One of the worst. I am 33 years old. I have no partner. I live in a rental apartment. I am lonely. I want someone to share things with. Everyday I am faced with experiences and opportunities that would be happier, better, more special if I was sharing them with someone.
I am watching my friends, sisters and enemies lives fill with children, happiness and families of their own and I am not making/having that happen for myself. Yes I have been so blessed with new friends this year. I would not give that up for anything except a family of my own. I am so upset with myself that I have found myself in this state. How, I ask myself, did I end up like this??? This is not where I was supposed to end up. I deserve to be happy, to share things with someone who loves me as I love him, to be able to buy him things, cook for him, share a bottle of wine.....

I deserve to be happy

What to do next?

I am a terrible flirter, not only that but I find myself stuck in a situations like yesterday that drive me insane.  I was out with a friend of mine shopping.  We went into a store and had a lovely time trying on accessories.  As we were there, I struck up a lovely conversation and unintentionally flirted with the owner of the store and really felt like it was a mutual attraction.  So here is the question, and the challenge that I often have, how to move from there to the next level of actually exchaning phone numbers/taking it to the next level?  Maybe I missed a whole level of matturity/growing up.  I just don't seem to have picked up that skill.  It just sucks.  He was adorable, i know that there was a little bit of a spark I just wish that I could have capitalized on it more.  Another opportunity lost, unless I go back there again to look at accessories....