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Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Sometimes you just have to have Hope
As it stands, I am not married. I have not dated anyone seriously in ages. I appear to be eternally single, and this is only getting worse as I am now burdened with new realities of a mental illness. However tonight I was confronted again with the question "Are you going to get married? Will you ever find that person to marry?" This question must be all over the thoughts of my family right now. My littlest sister, #londonsis, is getting married in December, and as she is 9 years younger than me, I know that I am on their mind. There appears to be no hope for this girl in her mid 30s who is alone.
My parents have made comments in the past, I know not intentionally, about my not ever getting married and them not having hope, but hope is all that i have. (My mother casually offering to buy me the whole Le Crueset line if I ever do get married, does not instill in her daughter that she has any hope that I will ever get married.) I want more than anything to have a partner/husband and a family of my own, but sometimes wanting something is not enough.
I told my father tonight. as he casually said that he had in the past thought that the money that they would have spent on a wedding for me I could use to buy a house potentially, that I had not lost hope and I needed him to not loose hope either. It would mean the end of everything. Hope is all that I have on this matter. I have to have hope that one day I will meet someone that I love, who will love me, who wants to have children, who wants to be with me, illnesses and all. For now I grasp on tiny strands of hope that are growing fainter as the days go by....