Thanks for visiting my little blog, Please note that this is my online diary, thoughts & feelings expressed on this blog are mine & mine alone. I hope that you will take the time to comment & tell me what you think about the things that I write. If you do not wish to know what I am thinking in my tiny little head then please do not read on, but I will not apoloize for my spelling (although I'm trying to be better!) or my posts!

Thanks for stopping by,
Princess Steph

Sunday, January 16, 2011

A Crush

It has been years since I've been attracted to anyone.  You know the feeling, the pit of the stomach when you really want to spend time with someone, the desire to find time near them, to figure out who they are, the need to google them, find out if they are dating someone.... all of those childish things that make us feel like we are back to being in grade 7!

I certainly have not had a crush on anyone since I got sick last year and that has made it quite surprising that in the last week I have developed a crush on a man and I am not quite sure what to do?  I know that it sounds like I am acting like I am 5 years old, but I feel like I am 5 years old.  It has been so long since I have felt anything for anyone.  I also feel like I am at a loss as to what to do.  This boy/man is sweet, he loves children, he's not married, not sure if he's dating anyone, so far so good.  From there I have no idea where to go.

My low self esteem and constant anxiety has certainly played into how i have felt about approaching anyone that I might even be slightly attracted to.  I also constantly worry that I am a lot for someone to take on.  I do not mean that I am high maintenance by any senses of the word, but I am someone who has a chronic illness and is mentally ill forever.  I also thought earlier today that I have to start thinking  about some of the things that make me an ok catch.  Thinks like I am caring, I love to look after people, I'm excellent with children, I like to cook, I'm fun,..... even writing them down does not help me to believe them.

Maybe I'm just not ready to meet anyone, but in my heart, I know that I am desperate to meet someone.  I also know that as I get older it is so rare that I meet anyone that I could potentially like, let alone like.  This of course adds to the pressure of every attraction.  I am not 20 anymore and I think it adds so much pressure to every interaction that I have with someone that I could potentially like.

So here I am, wondering what to do??  I have no idea how to move this forward and I feel ridiculous.  If you have any ideas let me know.  I have fully reverted back to being in grade 3 and I feel just as awkward, except I really like this person and could see something really working out with him.  This is not just child's play anymore.

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