The abyss of loneliness

courtesy of http://www.someecards.com/



This weekend, it became evidently clear again that I am alone and it sucks.

When receiving some bad family news on Friday over champagne, #londonsis had her fiance and #torontosis had her husband and baby, to hold on too, as we absorbed the information that we were being told.  I had no one.  No one to get home and cry to on the sofa, to cuddle up to in their arms just for some comfort, to hold their hand so that i didn't feel like I was going to fall off the deep end of the ocean into an abyss of fear, sadness and depression.  All of my emotions were mine alone, to process and manage the feelings on my own.  It was horrible.  It was even more horrible because I have really secluded myself from any friends that I had, and don't feel that I'm able to reach out to them now when I am back in crisis.

I so rarely feel like being single is awful.  I do single well.  I am confident in doing things on my own and I am usually perfectly OK with it.  Except that I know that this life is meant to be shared with another human being and that I do not want to be on my own forever.  On Friday and throughout the weekend, I was reminded that it is truly awful going through this life on one's own and this is not the life that I want to lead. 

But I am a lot to take on.  I know that the hope of finding a partner is even smaller given my mental illness.  Before I was sick and diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, I was just the girl with Migraines that battles chronic depression, but was still fun when needed.  Now I am the girl who is crazy, needs 10 pills a day to keep some form of sanity and has gained another 25 pounds because of the drugs that I am taking.  What man/boy wants to take that on? Not very many.

I rarely find men attractive anymore.  I think that it is a defence mechanism.  Don't worry, if you don't find anyone attractive, you will never put yourself out there, you will never get rejected, you will never have to face the fact that you are, as you believed, a lot to take on, too much for most people.  When I do find someone attractive, I am so eager for them to like me that I am destine to be over eager on all angles.  I am a relationship mess.  Sabotaging my own happiness, before it has a second to establish itself.

So here I am.  Me.  Myself.  I.  Alone. I wish I could change it, but apparently this is not going to be easy.  I sit at my desk, tears running down my cheeks, thinking that I may be stuck in this abyss of loneliness forever.