Pity Party - table for one

well, here I am. Tears in my throat, sitting in a box of an office, starring out onto a concrete courtyard where no human has ever stood, surrounded by hospital walls. I am sad. I am the kind of panicky anxious sad I get when I have really bad PMS. The kind of sad that turn my thoughts into a pity party .....how did I get here today-A day when I have so much "work" to do and can't afford the time for a pity party???

I spoke to a good friend. I was lamenting about an auction I am working on and how I had manged to have the chair crawl up my butt and die (literally of course). We spoke about our weekend and my fabulous dinner at One last week with my parents. How we had eaten with the most lovely Jewish man and his wife. How I had spoken to her about her conversion. How my friend T needed to find me a nice Jewish Man so I could convert also. How young my parents are 57 and 52 years old respectively.................and then it happened...................

Me: I loved having young parents. It is really great.
T: I always wanted young parents
Me: I have always wanted to be a young parent
T: I agree
Me: At 31, no husband, no man that I would want to have a baby with in my life, I guess that is not going to happen.
T: (silence)
Me: (sarcastically and laughing) I don't even think that I could have four kids, let alone one before I'm 40 even if I stepped out of my office right now and met Dr. Delirious at the Hospital who said 'let's get married tomorrow and have as many babies as you want'
T: Don't be silly princess
Me and T: (uncomfortable laughter)
T: Are you o.k.?
Me: Yup, don't worry about me. It'll all work out.
(click, hangup)

Will it be o.k.???? Will it all work out??? Today, I'm not so sure.
Why is this so difficult? The only thing I know I want for sure and I can't make it happen.

Pass the kleenex.