Thanks for visiting my little blog, Please note that this is my online diary, thoughts & feelings expressed on this blog are mine & mine alone. I hope that you will take the time to comment & tell me what you think about the things that I write. If you do not wish to know what I am thinking in my tiny little head then please do not read on, but I will not apoloize for my spelling (although I'm trying to be better!) or my posts!

Thanks for stopping by,
Princess Steph

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Happy Father's Day

As it is Father's day today, I thought that it would only be appropriate to write a little something about my own father. It is such a tough relationship for daughters, at least i find it tough. I live in the shadow of the father-daughter relationship. I am spending many hours in therapy working through the relationship I have with him. I wanted to spend some time looking at the things that I am thankful for from him and also some of the things that I am struggling with.

For starters, Pops, some of the things that I will forever be grateful for:
  • For teaching me that family is number one.
  • For being overly generous with his family
  • For being loyal to a fault with friends and family
  • For spoiling me with travel,
  • For imparting an excellent sense of style and fashion
  • For making me a shopaholic (maybe this is a negative)
  • For sharing a similar sense of humour as me
  • For being the most honest person I know

Now to the list that I am working through, the things that I wish you had never taught me, or made me believe:

  • Men will never love a girl who does not have a perfect size 8, or a smaller, models body.
  • The only kind of work to be valued is the work that you are paid for.
  • That it is more important to be skinny than to be happy
  • For being so selfish to my mother and my family at times
  • For not understanding mental health and thinking that it is not a real disease
  • For not following the cardinal father rule of loving your children unconditionally
  • For being so openly proud of my sisters and not feeling the same way about me
  • For being so controlling, in the past and even today of my life

At the end of the day, I know that he loves me and that he would do anything for me. My parents are wonderful and they have tried their best to raise the best children possible. I have also come to accept that with all their good intentions, they have fucked up on a bunch of fronts. As the eldest, it appears that I am the one that is having to work through these issues. I understand that it is bigger than me and it is bigger than something that I can handle on my own. I also understand that it is hindering me meeting some of my core long term goals, most importantly having a family of my own. For that reason I am working with a psychotherapist to work through these and break away from them.

I love you dad. You were a wonderful father! I have some issues to work through, but at the end of the day, I know that you were doing what you thought was best. Too bad, it wasn't what was best for me.

1 comment:

Ellen Schnakenberg said...

Hi Steph - it's ESchnak on Twitter - first trip to your blog. =)

Eeewww. That part about "the only work that is worth something..." So familiar in my family. Maybe why the rest of my own family is full of volunteers...?

The list sure hit home.


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