Happy Father's Day

As it is Father's day today, I thought that it would only be appropriate to write a little something about my own father. It is such a tough relationship for daughters, at least i find it tough. I live in the shadow of the father-daughter relationship. I am spending many hours in therapy working through the relationship I have with him. I wanted to spend some time looking at the things that I am thankful for from him and also some of the things that I am struggling with.

For starters, Pops, some of the things that I will forever be grateful for:

• For teaching me that family is number one.
• For being overly generous with his family
• For being loyal to a fault with friends and family
• For spoiling me with travel,
• For imparting an excellent sense of style and fashion
• For making me a shopaholic (maybe this is a negative)
• For sharing a similar sense of humour as me
• For being the most honest person I know

Now to the list that I am working through, the things that I wish you had never taught me, or made me believe:

• Men will never love a girl who does not have a perfect size 8, or a smaller, models body.
• The only kind of work to be valued is the work that you are paid for.
• That it is more important to be skinny than to be happy
• For being so selfish to my mother and my family at times
• For not understanding mental health and thinking that it is not a real disease
• For not following the cardinal father rule of loving your children unconditionally
• For being so openly proud of my sisters and not feeling the same way about me
• For being so controlling, in the past and even today of my life

At the end of the day, I know that he loves me and that he would do anything for me. My parents are wonderful and they have tried their best to raise the best children possible. I have also come to accept that with all their good intentions, they have fucked up on a bunch of fronts. As the eldest, it appears that I am the one that is having to work through these issues. I understand that it is bigger than me and it is bigger than something that I can handle on my own. I also understand that it is hindering me meeting some of my core long term goals, most importantly having a family of my own. For that reason I am working with a psychotherapist to work through these and break away from them.

I love you dad. You were a wonderful father! I have some issues to work through, but at the end of the day, I know that you were doing what you thought was best. Too bad, it wasn't what was best for me.