My last post about my "meetings" with my therapist was not, I'll be the first to admit, the most positive. I was angry and was not looking forward to going at all!!!! Anyway, I have had two more "sessions" since then and all is on the up swing. I had two quite lovely chats and I don't hate her anymore. I understand that she is just there to help me, although usually I don't want to have help and certainly don't want to talk about why I don't want help!
Today was terribly interesting as I slept horribly last night and so was in a rut this morning. Didn't feel like even being there, not to mention that when I did sleep I had very weird dreams.... the joys. I dreamt this morning that I had met a friend of mine J who was dating someone else at the time. I owned a huge mansion up north on a lake that had a bizarre staircase that was cut off in the middle of the great big entrance way. Literally there were 4-5 steps at the top, attached to the 2nd floor landing and then nothing, not even a ladder (I'm sure that staircases have some weird reference for those that analyse dreams. Will need to look it up.) Anyway, after J and I spent the afternoon together at this mansion, he left and returned to tell me that he had left his girlfriend and only wanted to be with me. We held hands forever and kissed and had a nap on the couch. Now get your mind out of the gutter, we did not have sex, at least it was not part of the dream, but I have to say I loved the physical contact part of the dream and ended up waking up craving it and feeling very alone. As I said to my therapist, it was the holding hands in the dream that made me loose my breath and even now makes me loose my breath. (As some background, J is a lovely, nice, fabulous boy who is married to A, neither of which I have seen in probably a year. Not to mention that she is expecting their first baby. I don't understand why he was in my dream. I think that he is lovely, but I would never call him, e-mail him or contact him. He is just a random friend that I know. Very very very weird)
I did spend the whole hour talking about this this morning and crying about the lack of physical contact in my life. Apparently "I am doing great and letting my emotions out in a "safe" place with her'. If she only knew that I could cry a million times more in her office if I really faced my emotions and didn't avoid them. Lord knows I have been on the verge every time I see her......
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