Thanks for visiting my little blog, Please note that this is my online diary, thoughts & feelings expressed on this blog are mine & mine alone. I hope that you will take the time to comment & tell me what you think about the things that I write. If you do not wish to know what I am thinking in my tiny little head then please do not read on, but I will not apoloize for my spelling (although I'm trying to be better!) or my posts!

Thanks for stopping by,
Princess Steph

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

The sister saga and my mental health

This weekend was very difficult for this princess. I spent it up at my parents summer house and yes there was much talk about the baby. Actually all talk about the baby. I'm fed up with it. I know that I should be over the moon happy, but I am not. I am not over the moon happy. I am happy for her. I think that she is obscenely lucky and am extremely frustrated with her at times as she doesn't see it. Anyway, I don't want to talk about it all the time. The weekend was continuing on as they do when it is freezing cold and raining. Lots of movie watching, sleeping and Wii playing and everyone was relaxing. As this trolled along and we were thinking about leaving on Monday afternoon, my sister approached me in the sun room and the conversation ensued:

her: Why are you not happy about the baby?
me: I am happy about the baby
her: you are not, I know you and you are more happy for your friends having babies
me: I am happy for you X. what do you want me to do to show you that?
her: I think that intellectually you know that you should be happy about it, but your not
me: that's bullshit
her: it is not, your so angry.....

and on and on and on........

Basically some key finding came out from her about me:
  • she thinks that she does not know me because I lie and I don't let her in (I told her that I think that she really does not want to know me and probably would not like the real me)
  • she thinks that I am angry at everyone and that it is lieing right under the surface of everything and everyone just tip toes around me (bullshit, just angry myself)
  • she thinks that I don't talk to anyone and that I bottle it all up and ignore it (true enough, but I am dealing with a psychotherapy, she doesn't know that, but I would consider that dealing with it head on)
  • She thinks that I have been unhappy for her whole memory ( I would agree, its been about probably 18 - 20 years, she's about 28, that would be her known memories)
  • she thinks that I think that none of them will understand, but that they really just want to help me, and do what they can so that I am happy ( I think that this is crap, they want to help me so that I am skinny and I fit into their perfect little family)
  • the only thing she can see in me is my weight (I tried to explain to her that I am so much more than that, she just says that that is all that she sees and it is the symptom of my unhappiness.)
  • she thinks that if I lost weight I would be happier ( I would like to state that I am not an elephant. I am bigger than the average woman, but I wear a size 16-18 not 28)
  • she thinks that I think her life is easy ( I explained that I did not think that. I thought that she worked harder than any of us, but that she was also blessed with a lot of luck and every time that she says that she works hard, I feel like it is like I do not deserve anything, because I do not work hard.)
  • she harked on about me not being excited, not asking her about the pregnancy, not being excited for her etc. ( I told her that just wasn't true, but could she not see that this might be hard for me???? Could she not find some empathy in herself to understand that???? Does she not get it?????)

It is quite obvious that she just doesn't f+++ing get my life. I also am acutely aware that I have a life also that I need to figure out. I cannot allow myself to be fully consumed with this baby. I need to figure out how I am going to have my own baby, how I am going to find my own prince charming, how this is all going to work out. I am terrified.

Anyway, I have been crying since yesterday afternoon. With my other sister and one of my closest friends living across the pond and also my best friend I feel very alone. I don't really have anyone here. I could not get out of bed this morning until about 11 am this morning. Thank god I had my client out at a golf tournament today. I am scared for my mental state.........


CNSKris said...

If I may make a suggestion, I think that you should speak with your sister as she may understand more than you realize. Also, she may need to speak with someone that can relate to her similar situation. It can be lonely sometimes when you are different but cannot speak about things in the open. I hope everything works out for you either way. Secrets are never easy to keep. I know, my heart is crushed by the secret I must keep and having to live a lie because of someone else's secrets. Sometimes I wish there was someone out there who knew and could understand me too. Best wishes - Princess McGee

PrincessSteph said...

you are too sweet Princess McGee. I really appreciate it. I will keep you updated on how it goes. I can't really speak to her, it has been 28 years in the making to get us too our current state of relationship. I don't know what, I'm going to do. We shall see..... Thanks for the concern, Princess Steph


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