her: Why are you not happy about the baby?
me: I am happy about the baby
her: you are not, I know you and you are more happy for your friends having babies
me: I am happy for you X. what do you want me to do to show you that?
her: I think that intellectually you know that you should be happy about it, but your not
me: that's bullshit
her: it is not, your so angry.....
and on and on and on........
Basically some key finding came out from her about me:
- she thinks that she does not know me because I lie and I don't let her in (I told her that I think that she really does not want to know me and probably would not like the real me)
- she thinks that I am angry at everyone and that it is lieing right under the surface of everything and everyone just tip toes around me (bullshit, just angry myself)
- she thinks that I don't talk to anyone and that I bottle it all up and ignore it (true enough, but I am dealing with a psychotherapy, she doesn't know that, but I would consider that dealing with it head on)
- She thinks that I have been unhappy for her whole memory ( I would agree, its been about probably 18 - 20 years, she's about 28, that would be her known memories)
- she thinks that I think that none of them will understand, but that they really just want to help me, and do what they can so that I am happy ( I think that this is crap, they want to help me so that I am skinny and I fit into their perfect little family)
- the only thing she can see in me is my weight (I tried to explain to her that I am so much more than that, she just says that that is all that she sees and it is the symptom of my unhappiness.)
- she thinks that if I lost weight I would be happier ( I would like to state that I am not an elephant. I am bigger than the average woman, but I wear a size 16-18 not 28)
- she thinks that I think her life is easy ( I explained that I did not think that. I thought that she worked harder than any of us, but that she was also blessed with a lot of luck and every time that she says that she works hard, I feel like it is like I do not deserve anything, because I do not work hard.)
- she harked on about me not being excited, not asking her about the pregnancy, not being excited for her etc. ( I told her that just wasn't true, but could she not see that this might be hard for me???? Could she not find some empathy in herself to understand that???? Does she not get it?????)
It is quite obvious that she just doesn't f+++ing get my life. I also am acutely aware that I have a life also that I need to figure out. I cannot allow myself to be fully consumed with this baby. I need to figure out how I am going to have my own baby, how I am going to find my own prince charming, how this is all going to work out. I am terrified.
Anyway, I have been crying since yesterday afternoon. With my other sister and one of my closest friends living across the pond and also my best friend I feel very alone. I don't really have anyone here. I could not get out of bed this morning until about 11 am this morning. Thank god I had my client out at a golf tournament today. I am scared for my mental state.........