It is bad. The current state of affairs is bad. I know that I have been joking that I am turning into an eccentric recluse, but I am. I am never leaving my apartment. I don't want to leave, I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to be spotted, I want to stay in my bed and hide under the covers. I know that this is not healthy, but this is really what I want to do. I do not want to do anything. This is bad, it is very bad.
I don't know how to say it any other way. What is scariest about this current state of depression is that I am on some serious anti-depressants. I have been taking cipralex for 6 months (i think) now and I thought that it was really working, but the last two weeks have been awful. I wonder if it is not just a passing phase that I need to get through. My body is going through a lot. I recently upped the Topamax and the Spironolactone that I have been taking. Both of these drugs effect your hormones. Maybe they have just thrown everything out of whack even more than normal. Who the hell knows, but it is getting to a relatively scary place.
I have a cocktail party that I am supposed to go to tonight that I am just about to bow out of. Pathetic. I can't even get my butt out of my apartment to go up the street to see good friends. This is very bad and very scary. I sat beside a friend of mine today at Starbucks today for half an hour and didn't even recognize or acknowledge her until I got up and finally got out of my own fucking bubble. What the hell is wrong with me??? I can't be this depressed. I'm taking things and taking to people so that I won't get this depressed.
Sorry for the rant. I guess this is what happens when your losing your mind.....
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