I really do not know what I really look like. I don't like looking at myself in the mirror and so I often don't truly look at myself in the mirror. I look at my face when I put on makeup, when I feel that I am breaking out, when I need to inspect something that is wrong with myself, but I never really look at myself. I don't think that I have a good sense of what I look like. If you were to ask me who I look like on the street, what size shape I was, what body I emulated, I would not be able to tell you. I know that I am fat. How fat, I am scared to look. I am scared to really look at myself in the mirror. I will sometimes catch myself in the mirror when I am walking into the shower and I quickly erase that from my mind. I try and forget that I have witnessed what I have seen. I think that maybe I think that I look better than I do, and that I should look in the mirror more. I hate pictures of myself. I hate them with a passion. They are usually awful. I often wonder who the fat, ugly blond is in the picture, who is always impeccably dressed with the perfect accessories, perfect handbag, perfect clothes, perfect highlights, perfect haircut, but not enough to hide the fat gross girl underneath. No amount of money on the right material things can hide that.
I wonder how one sees themselves for real??? Does everyone see themselves and understand themselves as others see them?? I have no idea. I caught myself in the reflection of a public transit bus today and I was shocked to see the woman in the glass. I did not know this person. Who was she? How do I get to know her? How can I see her for who she is? How can I see her for how others see her? I think that this will take a while to get too, but I need to get there. Maybe I need to just spend some time in front of the mirror and really look at myself, I just don't know if I can do it..........
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