"Despite the fact that there are over eight million people on the island of Manhattan, there are times you still feel shipwrecked and alone. Times even the most resourceful survivor would feel the need to put a message in a bottle, or on an answering machine."
- Carrie, Sex and the City
I think that recently I have become more and more aware of the enormity of a hole in my life that is not being filled. I am lonely. It is not the desperate need for a "man" as some woman feel and portray so evidently in their outward displays, but it is the part of me that is alone.
Yes I am the girl that "knows everyone". I had some friends over for dinner on Saturday to le cottage and they were asking me all the news on everyone, because they knew that I would knew what Andrea, Alan, Michael, Jamie, Jennifer ectetera were up to, and I did. I am the girl with 800 friends and acquaintances on Facebook, I sit on 2 non-profit boards, I cannot find a free night for months, yet at the core of it all - I think that I am desperately lonely.
It comes out and nips me in the butt in the weirdest ways. Loneliness attacks me when I want to grab a coffee on a week night that has suddenly come free, it is there when I am having to make my own plans again for my weekend, it is there when I eat alone or order a meal for one. As I am commuting so much these days, I wonder if it is heightened even more by the fact that I spend so much time in my car alone on the highway. 4 hours a day has not helped my mental space.
The time unfortunately that is the loneliest is at night. It has nothing at all to do with sex (physical touch, yes (more on that later)) but it has to do with the not having anyone to decompress with. No one to talk to. No one to say "I had a shitty day, and I just want you to listen for 2 minutes so that I can move on". That is when I am lonely. My bed for the first time in a long time feels huge and alone. There is no one to share it with. I don't have a anyone to feel a part of the space with.
The other time that is excruciatingly lonely for me is when I realize how much I have to share with someone and how much I would like to care and give to someone. I see it when I cook dinner at le cottage for friends, when I spoil a girlfriend with a present, when I find the perfect thing to do for my niece. All of these things could be shared with someone.
I mentioned physical touch and I think that this is a huge problem for a number of single woman. I also have a theory that it is fueling the pedicure/manicure industry in North America. Gone are the days that we hug each other, heaven forbid I hold someones hand during the day, and god please do not even think of brushing by me on the street stranger, but we all crave human touch. i can't remember the last time I was purposefully touched, unless it was by a child, or by a person that I pay to touch me (get your mind out of the gutter ie. estetician, hair dresser, etc). Is part of the reason that I find the interaction that I have with my manicurist/masseuses/acupuncturist so important in my life the human touch that is part of the experience? I'm not sure, but I am sure that it is part of the relationship and when I see the other women sitting in their perched pedicure chairs in the Korean nail bar, I know that I am not the only one.
This loneliness feels a bit like a blanket that I can't kick off right now. It is always there. I want to get rid of it, I want to be the happier, less-lonely me, but this heavy blanket is on top of me. I wonder when it will lift and how. Not really sure. Visiting doc this week. Maybe I need a little tweak in the meds to help. I certainly feel like this has been here for the long haul, but I also know that I am not the only one. I am just lonely.
Hugs, friends and suggestions welcome!
2 comments:
In the midst of feeling lonely I've always tried to remind myself of the opposite perspective, if for no other reason than a reminder that there are many ways to view a moment in time. As an example, consider that beholden to no one, you can travel anywhere, do anything, even be anything - all without compromise. There is a Rilke poem that describes this alternate perspective better than I could:
Being apart and lonely is like rain.
It climbs toward evening from the ocean plains;
from flat places, rolling and remote, it climbs
to heaven, which is its old abode.
And only when leaving heaven drops upon the city.
It rains down on us in those twittering
hours when the streets turn their faces to the dawn,
and when two bodies who have found nothing,
disappointed and depressed, roll over;
and when two people who despise each other
have to sleep together in one bed -
that is when loneliness receives the rivers...
Wow. What a beautiful, emotional and honest piece of writing.
I know this will come off as such a cliche, but I think everyone -- single, coupled, man, woman, young, old -- all struggle with loneliness in day-to-day life. It is one of the hardest things to deal with and probably a natural human feeling that is perpetuated by social media images.
In any case, I think it is courageous of you to reveal such a plain honest truth to the world -- something I think many people feel but are too afraid to say out loud; as admitting to loneliness is seen as a sign of weakness, and few people want to appear weak.
I think even through your loneliness, it must be still so wonderful to know you are surrounded by loved ones and can share your love as you said with girlfriends, family and the devotion you show to your non-profit organizations.
Loneliness is a difficult blanket to shake off, but sometimes we do need to wrap ourselves in it to find the comfort that there is a difference between being "alone" and being "lonely."
I always try to remind myself how lucky I am for only feeling lonely, because I know I'm not alone in this world.
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