so this whole sister/baby thing is throwing me into no good loop. The emotions are a mixture of sheer happiness for her and then sheer anger at her. its not her fault. she has to live her own life. i understand that. I get that this is what's right for her and having a baby around will be so happy and fabulous. I guess on a totally selfish level, I wanted one of these things wedding, baby happiness to be mine first. My father is already exclaiming how fabulous it is. My mother is already planning the color of Bugaboo stroller she'll be buying. I understand that they are happy, but if this is going to by 9 months all about T, I might loose it.
This time last year it she got engaged, we spent 4-5 months talking about the wedding, planning it, being excited about it, every conversation was about it. They got married in June, we then spent until the late fall talking about the wedding and its fabulousness. Christmas, we all got about 5 framed wedding pictures from my mother. At that point, my other sister and I insisted that we please stop the wedding chatter and get on with our lives. 2 months relatively free of wedding chatter. yes my parents continued to fall more in love with them as a couple than my sister and I. Now we are back on them for ever. Sorry I am really whining. Can't believe how crusty and negative I am being.
Anyway, just met with my therapist and she was really great. we chatted all about it. I cried for 45 minutes straight, quite unattractive, if I do say so myself. I talked all about the conflicting emotions. She thinks that this is why I feel like I am on the verge of a panic attack all the time this week. The pressure of the weight on my chest, the shaking in my hands, the sleepless nights ......it all makes sense. the internal struggle of trying to deal with this. the elation of joy mixed with so much jealousy its coming out of every part of my body....... she thinks I should get some anti-anxiety meds, i think that i might agree. just to get me through this for a while....
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