I've been back at work now for two weeks and I find that I am struggling a bit, well maybe more than a bit. I like the work that I am doing and I think that I am good at it, however it is stressful and anxiety ridden. I thought that after I had spent a year off that I would go back to to work and be a barrista. I always thought that I would be a good Starbucks employee. I knew that working in that sort of environment would have been a perfect segway into actually working in a high stress, high anxiety environment. It also would have allowed me to give some more thought into what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. Instead I am back at what I was doing before, in a stressful, full time job.
Anyway, I have felt over the last 2 weeks that a couple of things have happened in the last two weeks with my mood. One is that my anxiety has grown quite high and I don't like going to work. Once I am there I am ok once I get there, but it's the getting out of the house and getting into work that is difficult. Most days I end up in a state of panic in the early hours of the morning. The second thing that is happening is that I am not sleeping. I am worried about the not sleeping because I know that the not sleeping is a key to my balance of mental health. It is one aspect that has to be in balance, so that my mind stays sane and I am able to stay healthy.
I met with my psychiatrist today and was hoping that she was going to help me with the sleep by prescribing some sleeping drugs. I was clear with her about how i was feeling and she was unwilling to help me on any front with my meds. I find it difficult some times with my psychiatrist, who I like very much as a person, to express how I am feeling and ask for what I want. I was unable to ask her today for different drugs. I know that it is my own health and I should be in control of my own health, but for some reason I cannot speak up to her. I should have said to her "I would like to try a sleeping agent to help with the sleep. I can't cope like this", but i did not. I did not speak up for myself. Now I am no further ahead. I am exactly where I was before this appointment except that I am mad at myself for not being assertive and an advocate for myself. i seem to be able to be an advocate for every one else.
I see her in two weeks again. Hopefully i will gain the strength to speak up for myself by then.
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