Thanks for visiting my little blog, Please note that this is my online diary, thoughts & feelings expressed on this blog are mine & mine alone. I hope that you will take the time to comment & tell me what you think about the things that I write. If you do not wish to know what I am thinking in my tiny little head then please do not read on, but I will not apoloize for my spelling (although I'm trying to be better!) or my posts!

Thanks for stopping by,
Princess Steph

Friday, January 14, 2011

Challenges of the new job and not advocating for myself

I've been back at work now for two weeks and I find that I am struggling a bit, well maybe more than a bit.  I like the work that I am doing and I think that I am good at it, however it is stressful and anxiety ridden.  I thought that after I had spent a year off that I would go back to to work and be a barrista.  I always thought that I would be a good Starbucks employee.  I knew that working in that sort of environment would have been a perfect segway into actually working in a high stress, high anxiety environment.  It also would have allowed me to give some more thought into what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.  Instead I am back at what I was doing before, in a stressful, full time job.

Anyway, I have felt over the last 2 weeks that a couple of things have happened in the last two weeks with my mood.  One is that my anxiety has grown quite high and I don't like going to work.  Once I am there I am ok once I get there, but it's the getting out of the house and getting into work that is difficult.  Most days I end up in a state of panic in the early hours of the morning.  The second thing that is happening is that I am not sleeping.  I am worried about the not sleeping because I know that the not sleeping is a key to my balance of mental health.  It is one aspect that has to be in balance, so that my mind stays sane and I am able to stay healthy.

I met with my psychiatrist today and was hoping that she was going to help me with the sleep by prescribing some sleeping drugs.  I was clear with her about how i was feeling and she was unwilling to help me on any front with my meds.  I find it difficult some times with my psychiatrist, who I like very much as a person, to express how I am feeling and ask for what I want.  I was unable to ask her today for different drugs. I know that it is my own health and I should be in control of my own health, but for some reason I cannot speak up to her.  I should have said to her "I would like to try a sleeping agent to help with the sleep.  I can't cope like this", but i did not.  I did not speak up for myself.  Now I am no further ahead.  I am exactly where I was before this appointment except that I am mad at myself for not being assertive and an advocate for myself.  i seem to be able to be an advocate for every one else.

I see her in two weeks again.  Hopefully i will gain the strength to speak up for myself by then.

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