Mixed and difficult emotions

i have to say that today, more than ever, I am happy to have this little blog. I just returned home from a lovely Easter Brunch at our country club with the family and my parents asked my youngest sister, C, and I to come by the house after brunch. When we got to the house, my parents, my middle sister, T, and my brother in law, J, were in the back family room and the T announces that she is pregnant. Yes pregnant. I need somewhere to vent and this little blog is it. the truly selfish part of me is about to come out.

T is three years younger than I am and I was so happy for her when she got married. I was over the moon. I know that she is younger than me and that is not the natural order of how things should happen in the family. Many people asked me, as she had the perfect wedding, if it was hard on me. At first, I laughed it off. As people became much more brass about it and would ask, I started to become much more honest about answering, saying that I was incredibly happy for them, however when they had a baby it would be hard. Well here we are. She's having a baby. And guess what, its hard.

When she announced it, I had to find something else to do, so that no one would see me upset and with tears in my eyes. I went to the kitchen and put the roses that my mother had been given in a vase. She's seven weeks pregnant and due in November. I am really really struggling with this.

I want the baby. It should be mine. I should be able to have one thing first. One bloody fucking thing. One thing that could be mine and mine first. I am trying to be happy, but not one bone in my body is happy about it. Ok, maybe my pinky, but not a lot of me.

I have been struggling for so long with this whole need to have a baby, and this is not helping. I feel like such as ass and not a great sister, not a great friend. What am I going to do????

this just sucks......and I am being a big baby about it. I have cooped myself up in my apartment for the night. Maybe I should open that bottle of wine and really make a great night of the whole thing. Drown my sorrows and selfishness in too much wine..........