Depression and mental illness are a bitch. Not only does it rob you of your life for so long, all the happiness, all the feelings, all the desire to do something, anything, and then as if to kick you when you are down, it takes your friends.
I have been ill for so long that I now am at a stage where people have stopped asking how I am, they don't invite me out and I have fallen off the radar. I understand. I'm not fun to be around these days. I'm unconsciously passive aggressive in some of my communication, I am crusty on the best of days, and forget my smiling or joining in on conversation sometimes, but I would still like the invitation. I find it hard to be social, but the only way it is going to get better, is if I start to go out
How do you tell people that? That you don't want to be left off the invitation list? That you are sick of hearing how much fun everyone else is having when you are at home. I have tried to hint that I would like the invitations extended, but it does not work. I can't invite myself to everything and i won't. I feel like I have lost all my friends. To be fair there are a few who are still reach out, but I can't keep creating the opportunities to socialize by being the one organizing meals, events etc.
I used to be fun. I wonder if the fun me is the hypomanic me, but regardless, people used to want to spend time with me. I added value to their lives. I was a part of a lively social network. People wanted to be around me. Now I am a social network of one most of the time, struggling to remind people that I am still here, I still want friendship, I still am worthy of a "hello" or a "how are you" on occasion. It is amazing how quickly we fall of the radar when we are ill.
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