I think one of things that makes me feel the loneliest is the lack of physical touch that occurs when you are a single girl. Just to be clear I am not talking about sex, I am talking about physical touch. The brief touch of an arm, holding a hand, having someone that you can be physically close to at at a movie and not have to feel like you have to hold your arms in for fear of brushing up against your neighbour.
I realized this morning, that I cannot remember the last time, someone intentionally touched me. I mean not bumped into me on the tube kind of touch, but actually, with intention touched me (not including my family of course). I think this fosters a weird kind of loneliness. A desire to just have physical contact with anyone is an odd feeling. I truly truly truly feel alone when I think about it. It also scares me. It scares me to think that I would not know how to comfortably be with anyone right now, let alone be physical with anyone. I think that I dislike myself so much right now that I am repulsed by the thought of someone touching me. What a pathetic state of affairs.
I was joking with a single girlfriend this morning that it is sad that if I were to die in my apartment, alone, a la Heath Ledger, no one would find me until the smell of my body became unbearable to the next door neighbours. Not even a cat to eat away at my rotting flesh. Very sad.
I guess, for now, until I feel better, I will have to look to random physical contact. A brush by someone in a grocery store, the passing of money from myself to the adorable, and clearly too young for me barrista at Starbucks.....
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