I was exploring Winnipeg today and I went into a store called "9 options" I think. I knew that it was a maternity store. I saw in the window that the models were pregnant, that the sign said it was a maternity store, that I knew what I was getting myself into, but I did not know what I was getting myself into.
I have gone into Maternity stores for years. It has been part of the fantasy and dream of having children. I have fulfilled part of preparing to one day being pregnant by preparing to be pregnant, sussing out the stores, knowing where to shop, knowing what's out there. More importantly though I think that I go in to maternity stores so that I can for one moment, feel a part of a fantasy, that I may for the second that I walk through the door, be pregnant, be having a baby, be fulfilling that part of me that so yearns to be a mother.
Now today when I went in to this lovely store it was to look for a gift for my best friend who is pregnant. I was really excited to go in, but have been having a hard time with the fact that she is pregnant, so it was with mixed reactions. Anyway, I went into the lovely store and walked around then started having an anxiety attack. It was terrible. I was trapped. I couldn't get out, I couldn't breath, I was caught. I wanted so badly to be shopping there for real and not for someone else. It was terrible. I had to leave. I was sweating and could not focus; I thought I was going to pass out. I felt like a fool.
I did get out and I did manage to calm down, but I do wish that I was shopping for myself. I wonder if I ever will be able to.