Thanks for visiting my little blog, Please note that this is my online diary, thoughts & feelings expressed on this blog are mine & mine alone. I hope that you will take the time to comment & tell me what you think about the things that I write. If you do not wish to know what I am thinking in my tiny little head then please do not read on, but I will not apoloize for my spelling (although I'm trying to be better!) or my posts!

Thanks for stopping by,
Princess Steph

Thursday, March 10, 2011

I am not only my illness - Conversation with a mentor after 16 months

Today I spoke to someone that I have known for 13 years and was for all intensive purposes my business mentor and one of my closest friends for most of that time.  I have not spoken to her since October 4th, 2009, the moment that I left Toronto and went to Winnipeg to work with a different client.  It was also the time that I started to spiral from being sick to being extremely sick over the next three months.  We had worked together on a project and I had not been well on that project and I think that I had not treated her well and I was and am embarrassed about the way that I left the client.  

Anyway, today I received this e-mail in my inbox at work:

OMG YOU are a hard girl to track down. I can’t believe you are back to the -----. Must be a story there. Hope you are well. Would like to catch up some time. T

I have wanted to write her a letter for the last 6 months to explain what had happened.  I knew that she would understand.  Her spouse is Bipolar and used to be a very successful lawyer and now does not work, but I still felt that excusing my behaviour when I was sick and letting her down at work was not going to be easy.

I called her right away when I got the e-mail and the sound of her voice made me cry right away.  Having not spoken to her in so long, it was so comforting to hear an old friend.  I explained what had happened quite quickly over the last year and a half.  In essence she said in the most lovely way "what happened at work, happened.  I knew you were sick, I couldn't help you, but I wanted to.  I saw you spiraling downwards.  You are a dear friend and I am so sorry you were sick.  I love you."  

We ended up chatting for 20 minutes.  I felt like I had just seen her a week ago.  Why had i been so stupid and not called her earlier???  I do not know.  I was scared.  I was sick.  I was embarrassed.  I am lucky to have these people in my life.  

I realized again in this conversation that I am worthy of love.  I can be a wonderful person.  I can be a good friend.  I can be someone who is a valuable partner in a relationship, be it a friendship or a romantic relationship.  I can be relied on.  I am not only my illness.

Why I have feared reaching out to any of my friends after not speaking to them for so long? I am not sure, but after today, it will be easier.

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