Today I spoke to someone that I have known for 13 years and was for all intensive purposes my business mentor and one of my closest friends for most of that time. I have not spoken to her since October 4th, 2009, the moment that I left Toronto and went to Winnipeg to work with a different client. It was also the time that I started to spiral from being sick to being extremely sick over the next three months. We had worked together on a project and I had not been well on that project and I think that I had not treated her well and I was and am embarrassed about the way that I left the client.
Anyway, today I received this e-mail in my inbox at work:
OMG YOU are a hard girl to track down. I can’t believe you are back to the -----. Must be a story there. Hope you are well. Would like to catch up some time. T
I have wanted to write her a letter for the last 6 months to explain what had happened. I knew that she would understand. Her spouse is Bipolar and used to be a very successful lawyer and now does not work, but I still felt that excusing my behaviour when I was sick and letting her down at work was not going to be easy.
I called her right away when I got the e-mail and the sound of her voice made me cry right away. Having not spoken to her in so long, it was so comforting to hear an old friend. I explained what had happened quite quickly over the last year and a half. In essence she said in the most lovely way "what happened at work, happened. I knew you were sick, I couldn't help you, but I wanted to. I saw you spiraling downwards. You are a dear friend and I am so sorry you were sick. I love you."
We ended up chatting for 20 minutes. I felt like I had just seen her a week ago. Why had i been so stupid and not called her earlier??? I do not know. I was scared. I was sick. I was embarrassed. I am lucky to have these people in my life.
I realized again in this conversation that I am worthy of love. I can be a wonderful person. I can be a good friend. I can be someone who is a valuable partner in a relationship, be it a friendship or a romantic relationship. I can be relied on. I am not only my illness.
Why I have feared reaching out to any of my friends after not speaking to them for so long? I am not sure, but after today, it will be easier.
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